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Did your ex cheat and leave you for someone else? Helpful Tips For Healing


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... this was incredible. Your post should be put in a museum or public gallery or something.

 

Love this bit trust101! Is there a Hall of Fame around here somewhere?

 

mbee, if forum rules would allow it...this should be re-posted in a couple of other sections.

*Infidelity

*Breaking Up

*Getting back together

 

A fair of time and effort went into constructing this piece of writing, and I hope it gets bumped, absorbed, and appreciated more often.

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Wow. This was amazing. I am in your debt. I've only read the first post so far but there is something that my unhelpful brain keeps dwelling over, regarding your post.

 

When you said, 'do not compare to your ex's new partner...except when they are downgrading (sorry don't know how to use the quote tool properly) as the person they were with also broke a long term relationship' but in my case her new boyfriend DID NOT KNOW that we were together and thought she was single. So I can't help but compare, unfortunately, and it doesn't help that he is 'all that.'

 

But, again, this was incredible. Your post should be put in a museum or public gallery or something.

 

No debt required trust101. I think it's normal but it is unhealthy to compare. You are entirely different people. Although the new boyfriend did not realize she was in a relationship, it doesn't mean he's better than you. Like I mentioned, much of this has to do with filling a void. You'll possibly realize this later on after you heal.

 

With my cheater ex I had compared myself as well with the woman he cheated on and even the girl he got with and is still with afterwards. But with some clarity and space, I realized that my ex chose to cheat and leave me because he was unhappy with elements of his own life and blamed much of that on me and the relationship. The relationship had issues and I was nowhere near perfect, but I can look back on this now and see these are the actions of someone looking to fill a void through finding romantic love through other partners.

 

I'm so glad to hear the post has been so helpful to others! I'm thinking about writing a followup one sometime in the future. And yes, if there was a way to repost in other related threads that would be awesome!

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  • 4 weeks later...

No one could have written this better. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear I want to print this and put it on a frame or something. All this is so important and sometimes I think I should just re read it all the time.

 

I send you a big hug and I hope you are doing great.

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No one could have written this better. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear I want to print this and put it on a frame or something. All this is so important and sometimes I think I should just re read it all the time.

 

I send you a big hug and I hope you are doing great.

 

That post was a helpful resource for me, too. If they eventually apologize for what they did to us, do they really deserve a second chance?

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That post was a helpful resource for me, too. If they eventually apologize for what they did to us, do they really deserve a second chance?

 

Oh no! This is another thread. An apology is just the FIRST step and one MOST cheaters fail on anyway, hence why I mentioned it. My ex who cheated tried talking to me again, but it was more to act like it never happened and be all friendly and whatnot. I've never cheated on anyone before but I have done hurtful things to ex-boyfriends or close friends. Every time I talk to them, I might send an introductory email / text asking how they are... BUT usually if they respond, I'll immediately tell them "I've been thinking about you and how things ended, and I'd really like to apologize for A, B or C." Something along those lines. It's just the first step.

 

Anyway, most cheaters don't deserve second chances. I've heard of A FEW successful reconciliation with cheaters where people seem genuinely happy from my perspective... and it usually takes the following:

 

1. Time... and a whole lot of it... I'm talking months and years.

2. Forgiveness

3. The cheater feeling remorse

4. Both parties wanting to try again, but a complete fresh restart

5. The cheater usually has taken lots of positive steps to mature. Therapy, new lifestyle, new support group... etc. There has to be some REAL CHANGES. If he or she is still doing the same exact thing and hasn't had time to reflect on their actions and DO something about it, then they likely haven't changed.

6. The cheater needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust.

 

Yes, these are what I can think of right now... ultimately it's best not to get back with a cheater and if you do, then they will be making a real and strong effort for you. But no, they don't deserve a second chance based on an apology alone.

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If she tries to come back/reconcile, I will worry about it when it happens. She better come back crawling sincerely apologizing and feeling sorry for leaving me for another man. It was a very immature thing to do. How can you say you really care about someone and do that?

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I am now almost 3 months post BU from my man who left me for another woman. I would love to have vented on him but to this day he will not admit that there is anyone although I know for a fact there is. I have been pretty good with the whole NC thing. Although I do cry myself to sleep most nights. We have known each other over 30 years and have been together 4 years. Living together for most of that. I have not called him at all and he has not contacted me. I started walking 5k a day and playing tennis 3 days a week to get my mind off him and have lost almost 30lbs so I must say I look pretty darn good right now.

 

Last week when I was walking he pulled out of his driveway and saw me and immediately pulled over and started talking to me asking me how I was and calling me baby. I was nice but kept it short and continued my walk. Since then nothing. I have not heard one word.

 

On Saturday I was out on a sort of "date" with this guy who has been persuing me. He is 39 and I am 51 (whoo hooo for me..lol) Well it was going ok until it came time to say goodnight. He gave me a kiss and I started crying. I felt like I was cheating on my ex. How messed up is that?!

 

I know now that dating is so not for me at this time. I apologized and told him not to wrap himself up in me as I am emotionally damaged right now. He knows my story. He said he would wait and I told him to go and find a woman who is more mentally and emotionally stable than I am as he deserves it. I am just going to be alone for now.

 

I just want him to wake the F**k up and realize that I was great for him. We never fought, always laughed, sex was great. Even his kids told me they had never seen him happier. This woman he is with right now is older than him (he is 57) they have known each other for a few years (as friends) and she lives over an hour away.

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Hi..I'm new here and this is my first post. I've been in NC for only about 6days and it's killing me. But readings posts on eNotAlone has been helping me cope somehow. NC hurts like hell esp when you know your ex is happily in love with someone else. Anyway, I'm wondering if my ex truly cheated on me. She denies it but here's my story.

We 1st got together in 2010 but I cheated on her with this other girl (yes,shame on me! Not a day that I do not regret this). But my ex stayed 'friends' with me though I know it was hard for her. But even in the new r/ship I knew my ex was someone I could never stop loving. We had this simple yet amazing bond and connection. I realised the 'connection' with the new girl was purely out of ego and lust coz she was like 'the babe' that the guys wanna date. A few mths into the new r/ship I started to feel the void and got my karma. The new girl cheated on me..with 2 other guys!! I was devastated and my ex was the one who was with me through the healing process. And we got together soon after though I was not fully healed yet. Soon I was because I began to appreciate her more and my love for her grew even more than it was before. Abt a yr into the r/ship, I started feeling the physical and emotional distance from her. She was always texting and I felt neglected. We would argue about it but she would say I was just being sensitive and that she still loved me. There was this wall between us and each time I asked she said she was tired or it was her fault that I could not see how much she loves me. But 1.5mths ago she broke up with me saying she was 'exhausted' and no longer saw a future with me. I suspected a 3rd party but she denied it. And I trusted her because she is one of the nicest person I know. But last wk, I found out she got together with a 'close fren' that she had been texting and mtg up more with before our break up. I had suspected this before during our r/ship but she said I was just being jealous and that he's just a close fren and they've known each other for years. I dropped it because I didnt want to push her further away. Anyway, they were already calling each other 'baby' and saying 'I love you'..just a mth after we broke up.It was just too fast for me. Is that normal even if they have been friends? I confronted her abt it and she said she never cheated on me and that they were friends before we broke up. And that after we broke up, things just happened.Even if she didnt physically cheat on me, I felt she did so emotionally by not opening up to me abt her true feelings abt our rship. But turning to someone else for comfort and fun (even if she didn't talk to him abt us. Oh yeah..she didnt tell him abt us) But Im not sure. Perhaps I deserved it for cheating on her. But I came back a better person and gave her so much and she acknowledged it. So i thought she had forgiven me when we got back together again. She was the one for me. Was what she did 'cheating'? She doesnt think so. And Im not sure either because I cant imagine her doing it to me esp after she knows the kindda pain it inflicts when I did it to her. During NC, she has only tried reaching out twice which I didnt reply but she has given up so easily.We only contact abt work and she has kept it formal so well...which mphasizes the distance btwn us now.So it's harder at work esp when I see her sometimes. I still love her and miss her terribly.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi im just wondering about the cheaters moving on so fast and then the mixed confusing signals.

 

My ex and I were together 8yrs I found out he was starting to cheat less than a week into it with his much younger coworker (shes 25 hes 40). We did have a good relationship but at time he went with her we had a lot of stress, we have 3kids together and I was pregnant with number 4 we were saving deposit for new house we just bought and living with his parents, plus he had work stress.

So he left his parents house and ended our relationship, agreed to move into new house until I had baby, but I couldnt stand it so after a month he moved in to a flat with this girl, at this point he had been seeing her for 2months. I didnt beg plead nothing I forced him to leave house. Anyway it has now been 2months they been living together. My baby was born 6days ago he didn't come to birth but stayed in my house with our 3kids. He seen his son at3days old for 45mins. But next day he came from 11am till 5.30pm, the week before he said he would see baby but I was to be nowhere near he was in a "serious situation" and had moved on. But then he sat on bed talking to me, he then said his private life was nothing to do with me and he was only here for baby. Within 10mins he was telling me to get ready to go out for lunch and shopping for baby things (me him baby and toddler, oldest 2away just now) we went to place we alwaya go and had fun laughing joking etc, I just went with flow being my usual happy confident self. I said something about my job and he said " I dont miss u saying that" . He came back next day again ment so he couls be with baby and toddler so I could sleep but again said to me to get ready so we could go visit relatives this time tho he was hung over butwe still joked and laughing. He left saying see you next weekend. Im baffled with all this, I still love him with all my heart, he did apologise for breaking my heart at the start of this. I know I am a strong person and have got on great past few months coping with kids on my own, he doesn't have anyone all friends and his family are on my side including his parents as they are disgusted with their son. He only has this young girl and her friends. Could he be starting to realise what hes loosing? Is this the way they start to come back when the honeymoon phase is ending and everything is getting real specially new baby here now? I would just like to know so im prepared I need to analyse pros and cons and whats best for me and kids (should say this girl was meant to be moving abroad end of june to live but now isnt because of him, ifI had never found out he wouldn'thave left and she would be on a flight not returning.....im glad I found out all the same)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would say yes she was cheating on you. I know it sucks and the hurt is unbearable but you just have to push along.

 

I have my bad days but they are getting better. I still wish he would wake up and realize he made a mistake but right now that is not happening so I tell myself every morning just to breathe and start my day.

 

Hugs

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Hello, to begin with I have read all the stories on this page and they are all AMAZING and motivational. It is good to know that I am not the only one that is going through what I am going through. I just wanted to share my story and see if you guys can give me some guidance. I have been with my boyfriend for the last year when we first met he told me that he was married but separated with her and he had not yet finalized the divorce but that he was going to do it and move on. We began to get very close to one another and by the 9th month of our relationship we started thinking about moving in together. I advised him that the 1st step was him reaching out to her and getting a divorce. They have no children nor a house so it would be a simple divorce. So he did and to make a long story short I noticed that they started speaking to each other more and more everyday and about things that had nothing to do with the divorce. It got so bad he would delete all of her text messages and calls and I started to become suspicious till one day I could no longer take it and I texted her.

 

She confessed to me that he had still been seeing her and sleeping with her and I was devastated! I was so hurt I called him and confronted him and he was sorry he tried to fix things but I wanted her to hear the lies he was telling me so I 3 wayed her and him and she heard everything. I felt as if I was so weak and I cried he began not to care and would tell me that it was all my fault because I was always insecure and he was going to eventually end things with her and get back with me. This was a lie because as the days went on he continued to contact both her and I and wanted us both to be there with him. I would speak to her and we met up and confronted him he was more upset with her because she told me everything and he felt as if she betrayed him.

 

After the confrontation he did not call or text me but I called him crying so we may speak to each other about everything and he was not interested he was being tough with me because I was being weak with him. I decided to begin NC with him that day for 2 days he called and texted me and I stayed strong and that night I decided to pass by his house and I saw her car parked outside. I know I messed up and did the wrong thing but I got out of the car and confronted them both. He lied to her saying that I had been calling and texting him and that I was crazy when that was a lie he was the one that was calling and texting me. She turned her face on me and went into the car and left with him. Later that night she texted me and asked me to send her the proof and I did which I still regret doing. Ever since that day he has not called or texted me since. He got back with her and he has been with her ever since. I feel so terrible and hurt I was betrayed by the both of them. What type of woman does that to one another? I am still in shocked and not to mention him and I had an AMAZING relationship. I was there for him when no one else was. Do you think he will regret what he did? I read your blog and it says to not worry about it but I cant help but to think about it. The thought of them being together kills me inside and I do not know what to do. I am so sad and devastated and what hurts me the most is that he has not cared to say sorry. Is it that he is busy with her? How could he just forget about me so fast like I was a piece of garbage? he would never spend the night with her and recently he has been spending the night with her ever since I found out. How could she just take him back with open arms what type of woman does that? After all the lies he told her? What should I do? And if he does text me again which everyone says he will should I go no contact? I know in my heart that this is not the last time I hear from him but I think he thinks that now every time he calls or text me I am going to tell her which is not the case. I just do not like it when people lie to me. I dont want him to call my phone if he is going to work things out with her. Why couldnt he just be honest and tell me I want to work things out with her. I would have at least had closure and would have felt a little better about this situation. PLEASE HELP ME! I am so sad.

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Years ago I ended my marriage after my husband had introduced our children to his gf's son, and all had stayed at her house together.

 

By that time, I too had developed a relationship, which I kept to myself.

 

I had even told him -- do what you need to do to get happy, but be discreet. I was unhappy in my marriage for many years before it came to that, and we had been years without intimacy with one another. If he had protected the kids from his infidelity, I would have tolerated it. Sickening to know about myself, and powerful too.

 

Now that is years behind me.

 

Life is hard. I am happier and stronger than I ever have been.

 

I chose, then, someone who can not attach to anyone else. Intimacy for him will always be at a certain distance, as it is with his gf (same woman). In a sense, I was so dang independent I didn't even worry about his emotional availability. I chose someone who had the capacity to cheat.

 

I like knowing what I did to get myself in that situation so I know what to do going forward to stay out of it.

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  • 1 year later...
  • 3 months later...

Hello, I know I'm a few years late lol but this same thing happened to me. It's been a few months since the dumping and he has never contacted me which has made getting over it even more difficult. As you say in this there are good days and bad days...today was a bad day and I can't help but think he's forgotten about me and happier with his new girl...which may very well be true but like you say we don't forget about people. So thank you for your positive advice, I really needed this tonight.

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  • 5 months later...

Just wanted to bump this because it has helped me so much. I'm going through this right now and it's only been 1.5 months since the break up and less than a week since I found out he actually did cheat on me and is with the other woman.

 

Been in NC since the break up, and don't expect to hear from him because he's a coward. This forum and post has been so helpful, hopefully others will find it helpful too!

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  • 1 year later...

About number 14. She emotionally cheated on me (didn't know until after the breakup), blamed me for the breakup (she said I don't make her happy and she wants to see if she can be happy without me) and got with the person she emotionally cheated on me 9 days after leaving me after 1.5 years. I blew up at it, said terrible things, apologised, sent a final email that expresses everything and went complete NC. The breakup was 6 months ago and I've been NC for 4 months.

 

With Christmas and the new year coming up, it hurts to think about it all. Would she even be thinking about me or missing me even though she's with someone else? Her birthdays coming soon, too. But I've made sure to book a holiday overseas for that entire week. I still blame myself for her cheating. I still feel like a failure as a person in general and a partner, for her to do that to me. I'm not saying you're not allowed to leave me. That's fine. I wanted her to be happy, so I understood why she wanted to leave. But... to go behind my back for months and form an emotional connection with a person you're crushing on, while with me... and then gaslight me and invalidate how I feel, how it's cheating to me... sigh.

 

I don't really know how to get through the holidays. I think about her every day. Every day, and she's with someone else. Sigh.

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