mbee Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 This is great advice. And it's 100% accurate. I think we tend to lose ourselves in the "victim" role. And we get so lost and tend to not focus on what is the most important. Perfect example, me being petty about my ex hubby and his affair partner/girlfriend. I shouldn't waste anytime worrying about them. Even if it is hilarious that their "solid relationship" is falling apart. I really appreciate you sharing this sound advice with all of us struggling to heal ourselves after going through this situation. You're welcome! I'm happy it's been helpful. You are correct about the victim thing. It's amazing how far we take it too. Just a couple of weeks ago, while I'm having a great vacation in Costa Rica, I stumbled upon seeing a Facebook post from my ex saying how he's had an amazing summer (we have close to 200 mutual friends and he makes all his status updates public). For some reason I allowed myself to go right back into that victim role for a good 2 hours and took 2 words he said, completely out of context, forgetting that it's Facebook and people lie frequently, forgetting the fact that a week before he told me he was depressed AND completely ignoring the fact that I'm having an amazing vacation in Costa Rica. It was silly and thankfully I let it go after a few hours and remembered that my summer was amazing, and possibly more amazing than his. Either way, it doesn't matter. Keep staying strong! Link to comment
FullOfLove Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Thank you for this! I've been so angry over this for the past week... Fits of rage against him and the new girl he's secretly dating. I've been no contact and loving it but I can't shake this feeling of hating him and wanting to physically hurt him. I can't wait for these feelings to go away. I know I dodged a huge bullet. Being angry and filled with rage isn't helping me at all. I just want to move on and stop thinking about him altogether. I know that takes time. Link to comment
mbee Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 Thank you for this! I've been so angry over this for the past week... Fits of rage against him and the new girl he's secretly dating. I've been no contact and loving it but I can't shake this feeling of hating him and wanting to physically hurt him. I can't wait for these feelings to go away. I know I dodged a huge bullet. Being angry and filled with rage isn't helping me at all. I just want to move on and stop thinking about him altogether. I know that takes time. It's good that you know this. Trust me, the feelings will take quite a bit of time. It's been 4 months for me and I still get pangs of intense panic and wishing that he could feel even a fraction of what I've felt. Keep going NC and be patient, this will take months honestly. It will go up and down, and eventually the rage and anger will diminish. I promise you that it does truly get better. Link to comment
bwhite00 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I already told her the karmic debt she has accrued for me cannot be repaid. No matter what. Link to comment
IlovedimebagD Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Ooooh Costa Rica!? How fun! I am extremely jealous. I hope you had fun. That is hilarious and painfully obvious why he put that on Facebook. It is very easy to get caught up in being affected by their crappy actions. I actually deactivated my Facebook in December, It has been very liberating My ex husband after years of giving me crap for having Facebook (he trashed it and everyone on it), but yeah, he decided to create an account with the other woman/girlfriend (I think they have it together because they do not trust each other). It seriously crushed me, for 1. she is busted, like cut and paste face. And 2. they have super corny pictures of them smiling acting like they're so happy. And I know there is a HUGE possibility that they are. I guess I have my doubts based on him trying to play her and I both. And if they are its cool. Because I do not want him back. And I know you said to not get caught up in the OW, because they are a downgrade no matter what. However, it was just adding insult to injury. I know looks are not everything, but I would have a hard time looking at her and keeping my food down. Anyway, I totally let it get me down and affect me negatively for like 3 days after. But in a sense it helped me want to be done with him, FOR GOOD and the BS he creates. Are you still in contact with your ex? Or just via Facebook. Link to comment
mbee Posted September 6, 2013 Author Share Posted September 6, 2013 I'm glad that moment helped you be done with him for good. That seems odd to make a FB account for 2 people. If your theory is correct about it relating to trust, then I'm not sure how their happiness has risen above the superficial point. Just remember that. Cheaters are usually happy with the superficial, fleeting moments that feel great for however many weeks and months it lasts, but they will never have real, committed love that brings true happiness until they change and become better than their cheating ways. But again it's all about taking the focus off of him and that woman and back on to you. I'm NC with my ex. We aren't Facebook friends and I had my FB account deactivated. When it got reactivated, his profile was completely public and with our mutual friends, it's easy to see the status updates like "X likes my exe's facebook status update." Fortunately for me much of his FB profile isn't personal. It's mainly professional except for those random updates where he's thanking all his amazing friends, family and everyone in his life for being amazing and talking about how wonderful his life is. But I do know from the last time we talked 3 weeks ago that he did make it public intentionally and assumes that I'm looking at his comments and obsessing over him. Link to comment
Kittykat12 Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I have as of yesterday stopped looking at my ex's FB , not that there is ever really anything there. But even the new girlfriend liking one of his lame posts used to make me really upset. And now i have finally got that what i dont know - cant hurt me. My ex also emotionally cheated on me, though he denied it . Thank you for this post, i am one of the few that did everything wrong and wish i had read this earlier , though to be honest i dont think it would have changed my behaviour - i think i needed to learn this lesson the hard way I have been in NC for about a month - 6 months post BU , where i basically held his hand through the break up while he got more serious with the new girl arghhhhhhhhhhhh Though he copped a lot of abuse from me - but now i can see that it wouldnt have bothered him at all - in fact, maybe they even enjoy that attention? i dont know Link to comment
IlovedimebagD Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I'm NC with my ex. We aren't Facebook friends and I had my FB account deactivated. When it got reactivated, his profile was completely public and with our mutual friends, it's easy to see the status updates like "X likes my exe's facebook status update." Fortunately for me much of his FB profile isn't personal. It's mainly professional except for those random updates where he's thanking all his amazing friends, family and everyone in his life for being amazing and talking about how wonderful his life is. But I do know from the last time we talked 3 weeks ago that he did make it public intentionally and assumes that I'm looking at his comments and obsessing over him. How convenient that made his Facebook public? He really has a high opinion of himself. And I have learned from past experiences of posting "I love my hubby, he's the best" etc, and pictures of him & I, smiling & looking extremely happy on Facebook. However, they were propaganda. It was my way to show people, despite what they thought I was happy with him. The truth was we were far from happy. So I honestly feel that he wants you to think, he has moved and his life is FANTASTIC! If that was the case, he wouldn't be trying so hard to convince people including himself. And I think he is hoping he can make you think that, as well. I think they all assume we will just obsess and cyber stalk them. When they really need to get over themselves. That's cool you have been able to detach yourself. He seems to be grasping at straws. Well my dear, it sounds like you're in a much better place. And I think that's the best revenge ever! Link to comment
kinders Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 Thanks for this. I can't help but thinking about him and the other girl. He can't date her officially because his work employes a strict no dating policy and neither of them want to leave or move department. He also says hes not ready for a relationship. ..hell they practically are dating. She has also just left her partner but she has a child. Argh. I can't stop thinking about their relationship. I want to move on. NC is killing me. Big things are happening in both our lives now and I want to tell him all about it. It's also my birthday soon and his...then don't even get me started about Christmas. 9 years...I miss him Link to comment
mbee Posted September 15, 2013 Author Share Posted September 15, 2013 Thanks for this. I can't help but thinking about him and the other girl. He can't date her officially because his work employes a strict no dating policy and neither of them want to leave or move department. He also says hes not ready for a relationship. ..hell they practically are dating. She has also just left her partner but she has a child. Argh. I can't stop thinking about their relationship. I want to move on. NC is killing me. Big things are happening in both our lives now and I want to tell him all about it. It's also my birthday soon and his...then don't even get me started about Christmas. 9 years...I miss him Stay strong on NC lady. And utilize strict NC. He needs to experience the "loss" of you and you need to actually think about this relationship. Trust me, the first few weeks you believe all sorts of corny and lovey dovey stuff and 100% believe it. I can totally relate to your feelings. Maintain strict NC and get a few months to clear your head. I'm 5 months out right now, and I PROMISE you it does get better and eventually you can envision a future without them. When you feel the urge to tell him "big" things, get used to telling your friends. I struggled with this a bit right after the breakup and the thing that helped me the most was having my friends be my new support group who got excited for me, and instead of texting/calling my boyfriend like I usually do, I'd tell a few close girlfriends. Being distracted by their relationship is normal. It took me a few months to stop being obsessed with it. I still think about it, but it's the reality now and I've gotten used to it. Link to comment
simplexity Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 Not only do I have almost a similar situation but I also agree with everything you posted. Mine was more of an EX (which I dumped since I wanted to know more about the real him) whom I thought was really in love with me fell for a married girl and eventually moved on with his feelings for me , the same guy who keep saying he won't be able to fell for anyone else Right, He didn't really cheated in the strict sense since we really have no relationship any more but he did eat all his words and even go low down hill for tolerating to fall for someone who is married. I really am not much affected to be honest and Im really just grateful I found the real HIM sooner before I even decided to think of really considering him back to my life Link to comment
mbee Posted September 15, 2013 Author Share Posted September 15, 2013 Not only do I have almost a similar situation but I also agree with everything you posted. Mine was more of an EX (which I dumped since I wanted to know more about the real him) whom I thought was really in love with me fell for a married girl and eventually moved on with his feelings for me , the same guy who keep saying he won't be able to fell for anyone else Right, He didn't really cheated in the strict sense since we really have no relationship any more but he did eat all his words and even go low down hill for tolerating to fall for someone who is married. I really am not much affected to be honest and Im really just grateful I found the real HIM sooner before I even decided to think of really considering him back to my life I'm glad you figured this out early on and saved yourself from the hell of that heartbreak. Smart move on you! Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 So what do you do when you work with an ex? (I'm not looking for well that's why you don't date at work answers. Yes, in hindsight bad idea but it's completely natural to build a relationship with someone you spend a lot of time with.) She cheated on me with a mutual coworker who is married. Then she dumps me. And now she's dating a different mutual coworker. This shouldn't be rocket science and be so easy to move on but it hasn't made it easier. If anything, there are more triggers to make me angry at work. (I can't quit, big promotion is coming. Yay!) I'm looking for guidance on this matter. NC 6 months now. Or at least the best to my ability. Link to comment
kinders Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 NC is tough, so so tough. I constantly have the feeling of something is missing in my life. I feel like a magnet drawn to everything related to him but I can't reach him. What makes it worse is he still cares about me, but not enough to get back with me. He's really into this new person, I know theres a high chance it won't last but I can't go running back to him the moment it falls apart. He even said to me "I don't want to think of you as a safety net" ... Its my birthday in a few days and he said he would call. I don't know if I should answer. Oh life... Link to comment
mbee Posted September 16, 2013 Author Share Posted September 16, 2013 So what do you do when you work with an ex? (I'm not looking for well that's why you don't date at work answers. Yes, in hindsight bad idea but it's completely natural to build a relationship with someone you spend a lot of time with.) She cheated on me with a mutual coworker who is married. Then she dumps me. And now she's dating a different mutual coworker. This shouldn't be rocket science and be so easy to move on but it hasn't made it easier. If anything, there are more triggers to make me angry at work. (I can't quit, big promotion is coming. Yay!) I'm looking for guidance on this matter. NC 6 months now. Or at least the best to my ability. Love can happen anywhere and anytime. You aren't the first or last person who "shouldn't" do anything related to dating or love haha. So try to not stress about that too much. Cheating actually makes it harder to move on since you are not only coping with the loss of a relationship but the sting of the betrayal, feelings of low self worth and all the other good stuff that comes with someone doing that to you. I am glad you've been doing NC for 6 months. Honestly, I think you are doing the best that you can do given that you want to stay in this job. What might be good is to have things to look forward to after work. Other things to be excited or passionate about so that you can make friends and socialize elsewhere. Remember to be patient with yourself. With cheating like this, and this type of heartbreak, it will take some time to get over. You'll get through this. Link to comment
mbee Posted September 16, 2013 Author Share Posted September 16, 2013 NC is tough, so so tough. I constantly have the feeling of something is missing in my life. I feel like a magnet drawn to everything related to him but I can't reach him. What makes it worse is he still cares about me, but not enough to get back with me. He's really into this new person, I know theres a high chance it won't last but I can't go running back to him the moment it falls apart. He even said to me "I don't want to think of you as a safety net" ... Its my birthday in a few days and he said he would call. I don't know if I should answer. Oh life... Definitely don't answer. For my birthday, 2 weeks after the breakup, I just sent a "thanks" text and that was it, but even that wasn't a good idea in hindsight. You need to start understanding what NC is and how to properly implement it. NC is never talking to that person, ever. This takes some people time to understand and of course, we want to talk to them but give ourselves a million reasons why we need to. Sorry, but birthdays are not all that important. You aren't together anymore. Leave it alone. It also took me to understand that no situation is actually unique. The things your ex is doing/saying and making you feel is very similar to other people's situations. Don't look at it as hope that he will miss you and come running back. You really need to cut the cord and start moving on with your life. It's still fresh but planning to break NC will only hold you back. Link to comment
samiel Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I took a severe hit from the relationship I had with my ex(we work in the same building). In the beginning people were telling me she was a user, didn't listen. I thought I could change her(I see how stupid that was). It was only after we broke up, I found out people were hiding things from me because they didn't know how I'd react. In the beginning she was loyal,I always gave her space to do her own thing just because I trusted her. Can't really call it a relationship anyhow, only lasted 4 months, still when it ended and she asked for her space, I gave it to her. Then I start hearing from people at work she told them I stopped talking to her, she told them she couldn't handle the gossip about her, that she was cheating. As a result, I don't know who she talked to about me, so I just clam up around most people she talks to. Imagine I became the laughing stock at work because they knew what was going on and I fell for it, no one told me. I had just begun to come out of my shell for this to come and happen to me. Needless to say, I'll always be the bad guy at work because she's well liked. I was too but after the blow to my reputation there's no way I ever come back to normal. She saw fit to save herself by making a fool of me. Even now I can't wrap my head around how they act like nothing happened and expect me to do the same. I blocked her on facebook and got rid of everything I had from her. It's been a year and I have to trick myself into hating her just to move on. What makes this really difficult is she was my first everything so the memories just don't go away. Link to comment
mbee Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 The memories may not go away but this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Now you know you'll what to avoid in future relationships. Now you know you can't change people and to listen to what others say about someone to a certain extent. You'll get through this someday. Just be patient with yourself and keep moving forward. Link to comment
Ragamuffin blu Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Thank you Mbee for this thread, it has been really helpful to me. I foolishy ended up speaking to my ex last week, when she brought up the end of the relationship she started on her justification for cheating...it was over, she was going to tell me when she saw me etc. she is not a cheater really etc etc. I remembered your post and told her there was no justification and whatever she says, she cheated, her actions do define her as a 'cheater' now, and yes it does matter, and yes it was the most hurtful thing she could have done. Honestly it may sound an obvious thing to say but it is hard, I think I had actually accepted some of her justifications previously to make myself feel better. I know it is useless really to have spoken to her, but a week on I am still proud that I was able to say it and truly believe it. Link to comment
mbee Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 You're welcome, and I'm so happy you stood up for yourself and gave her the truth about how she is someone who chose to cheat and she can never justify that. We've all been there, especially right after the breakup to accept these justifications as true, but I'm glad you stepped away from that and now see the truth. Keep staying strong and keep doing NC. It doesn't sound like there's much more for you to say to her at this point. Link to comment
brucewayne Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Brilliant thread, I know it's been quiet for a while but I just had to comment. It's uncanny all the things I've been going through recently which you discuss. My ex dumped me out the blue over email then cut me out her life without an explanation. It was a year long relationship and we were doing long distance for a while. I later found out she had cheated on me and left me for the guy..sigh In my head I've always known her as a good person, a respectable person and a loving person! So it crippled me to find out what had happened. For months I made up excuses for her - she must of had a good reason, I must of done something wrong, I should of visited her earlier etc... Slowly I'm beginning to realize there were no excuses. She cheated, lied and left me without explanation. She never voiced these feelings during the relationship and she still hasn't had the guts to apologize since I found out - not that I expect one. I'm still not over it, I think this is going to be with me for a while, but it's good to know that everything I'm going through is normal. Hopefully with some more time and NC I can get my life back on track. I'll never see my ex again and probably never speak to her (she lives on the other side of the world now) - to the day I die, I'll never know how she lives with herself. Link to comment
Lily McFly Posted May 3, 2014 Share Posted May 3, 2014 To the original poster, this is so,so,so good!!!!! Excellent, excellent, excellent. Link to comment
mbee Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 Just saw this brucewayne, sorry! Been neglecting the ENA forum these days. I hope things are gradually improving. It will definitely stay with you for awhile but eventually you'll get stronger. I never hurt about my ex anymore. It's certainly not indifference, which is the ultimate goal but I've moved on by now. I'm already hung up on someone else already, but I can't deny there's still emotional baggage from my ex. Anyway, it's shocking that it's been over a year since my ex and I broke up, and seriously the first 6 months were ultimate hell but I got through it. And there are days where I feel some negativity but it doesn't ruin my day or cause me to feel sad anymore. Stay strong and so happy this thread is still helping folks! Link to comment
trust101 Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Wow. This was amazing. I am in your debt. I've only read the first post so far but there is something that my unhelpful brain keeps dwelling over, regarding your post. When you said, 'do not compare to your ex's new partner...except when they are downgrading (sorry don't know how to use the quote tool properly) as the person they were with also broke a long term relationship' but in my case her new boyfriend DID NOT KNOW that we were together and thought she was single. So I can't help but compare, unfortunately, and it doesn't help that he is 'all that.' But, again, this was incredible. Your post should be put in a museum or public gallery or something. Link to comment
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