Finding my path

[Ammieg]

So i've been told that I need to find myself. So this is my journey, starting now.

 

I'm starting this mainly out of frustration. For a long time I've been feeling completely stuck. Like I go round, and round in a washing machine of issues that never get resolved. Mainly -

 

1. My ex is still in and out of my life. I keep trying to do NC and fail. He gets under my skin. I work with him, so he is there every day. But he has admitted to being manipulative and hanging around me at work and orchestrating scenarios to talk to me, or to provoke emotions in me. He is currently pushing to be friends. I don't know what to do. I am at the state now where I know I don't want to be with him, but I feel trapped by him, because a part of me still loves him and cares about him.

 

2. I'm not really happy at my job anyway, or career choice. I want a career change but at the moment dont even know where to start.

 

3. I need to become more in touch with how I feel, and become more assertive and confident. And care and look after myself more.

 

4. I'm lonely. And scared to be alone. I need friends, and people around me who do not manipulate me and care.

 

5. Im emotionally unavailable right now for another relationship so even if a great guy was to come along, I probably wouldnt even notice.

 

I have done no contact with my ex so many times now that I have given up. It's too disheartening every time I fail. I'd like to take a different approach now - write something every day about how I feel. Every day is a choice, every interaction with him is a choice. I can choose what is right for me, right now.

 

I feel on edge and nervous this week. He says he will drop by my house this week to go for a drink. I'm not sure I even want him to. Firstly, why can't he plan these things, why cant we suggest a date for him to come round, why does it have to be spontaneous??? It feels like he thrives on creating chaos in my head. I want peace. Plus I am busy, what makes him think I can just drop everything to go for a drink anyway? I have purposefully made myself busy tonight so if he does drop round I have an excuse. And if I can look him in the eyes and tell him no, sorry I don't feel that going out with you is the right thing for me to do, I will be really proud of myself.

 

I feel tormented by this today. Have to get through it best that I can