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My Boyfriend Secretly Married Someone While Dating Me


BrnEyedGirl
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If you're going to do the facebook thing or write to her or call her or whatever, don't let on to him that you know, yet, because that might enable him to prevent you doing it. I also don't think he should get away with it. You need more closure than just sending a single text. This is too much for him to get away with so easily. Some people seem to have something like a split personality where they can live a double life, apparently sincere to more than one person. He probably lies to himself too. What a ____

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OK, I had this happen to me too... and it is far more common than people know. It really is not a lot different than starting to date a man and discovering he is married and lied about that. Or a married man starting to date a single woman and neglecting to mention it to the woman. There are surprisingly lots of bigamists out there too who marry different women in different areas if they travel a lot for business.

 

So what you have here is a man whose morals are like swiss cheese... huge gaps in them where he feels the highest good is satisfying himself and anything that gives him what he wants is justifiable and right in his head. He may have an inkling deep down that it is wrong, but he not only lies to you, he also lies to himself. He convinces himself it is OK for a lot of reasons. For example, he will inch into it by first telling himself he's so lonely with you so far away and he is so horny having no sex life because of the distance, that it is OK for him to see another woman now and then to get companionship and fill his needs. And it is OK because you are so far away, you'll never find out so it won't hurt you. And of course he doesn't tell the local woman about you. Then he starts to get attached to her too. So now he wants both of you and feels entitled to both of you. How great is that, that he has his local woman to meet his needs, and you no more than a phone call away when he is lonely, bored, needs an ego boost etc. Then the new woman starts to talk marriage. And guess what, she's a doctor which will provide him with a lot of money and a really nice lifestyle, great house, good social standing etc. So he starts to think about it and says, I should do this marriage, it is advantageous to me in so many ways. I can still keep X in my life even though she is so far away, and she'll never be the wiser. If she ever expects to come live with me, I'll deal with it and find some way to keep her distant enough so my wife won't find out.

 

So now he sees his only problem as being keeping you two apart, and never having you find out and everything will be fine! He convinces himself that you are an independent person who won't need him around all the time (since you've been living like that already for 4 years), and that nothing will change as far as you are concerned because you each already have separate lives in your own areas, so nothing has really changed (in his mind other than he's picked up a wife with a great earning potential who will keep him in a very happy lifestyle in his own home area.

 

This is basically the scenario that played out with me. I had been with my ex MANY years and was perfectly happy when he had to move cross country for a job promotion. Neither of us wanted to live where he was going, so it was supposed to be a temporary LDR until a job at his level opened up back where I was. He moved to a town where there are lots of wealthy people, and he met a rich woman with a LOT of money, million $$ home near the beach, plenty of money to keep him in high style and secure him for life. He saw me frequently because he had to return to my area on business trips, and acted like absolutely nothing had changed. The only 'odd' thing was that he always came to see me and i never went there, but then i had no desire to go there and obligations that made it hard for me to travel. So after a couple years, he married her!

 

Long story short, i started to have a few feelings that something was amiss because he started always finding reasons to not spend holidays with me, and when he travelled to my town, he'd always find a reason to not stay over the weekend, when he could easily have booked the trip to stay a couple extra days and fly back on Sunday evening. Same with me, I started googling, and came accross pictures on his ex wife's (early first marriage) visit out to where he lived where she stopped by to see him (they were amicably divorced) with her mother. And there he was, in this million dollar house with a woman wearing wedding rings and big rock, happily BBQing for his new wife, and his ex-wife and her mother while they were visiting!

 

I was completely floored as you were. He even had his own FB page, but there was no indication of any woman on it, just pictures of him on business, with his new motorcycle (I knew he just got one, but i had no clue a rich WIFE paid for it). But it was VERY clear from the pictures recently posted by his ex-wife of her vacation that he was now married to someone else. I knew his ex-wife and had met her a few times, but we did not socialize at all and I hadn't talked to her in 5 years, so he felt 'safe' letting the ex-wife visit.

 

Anyway, I did more research until i found deeds online listing him as a 'married man' where they were selling her old house and buying a new one together. And records that basically let me pinpoint their marriage to occurring in a 6 week period where he had actually visited me as if nothing was going on. We corresponded daily in email, so i went back thru all my email at the time and realized exactly when he married... he told me he was going camping/hunting with some buddies in the wilderness and wouldn't be available by cellphone during that week because he'd be out where there was no cell coverage. But where he really was was getting married and going on his honeymoon!

 

I read thru all my email (and his) again to see how it all played out. And it was clear that he just was lying, lying, lying to keep me going and on the hook and keep the two of us apart. Once I had my firm evidence that he was married, I downloaded a picture of his wife with her wedding rings clearly visible and in the house with him, and i emailed it to him saying, 'and who is this lovely lady with the wedding rings at this party with you.' He FREAKED OUT of course. At first he totally tried to deny it and i let him lie for a while, then i hit him with the evidence of the property deeds listing him as a 'married man' (deeds spell that out) and that he was selling and buying property with this woman, and was using his last name. So more whoppers, this time trying to saying those were 'pre-nuptial' agreements for a marriage that never occurred. So he just continued to try to lie lie lie to hang onto me and to prevent me from contacting her.

 

So finally he 'kind of' came clean and said that she should have no affect on me or our relationship because we each had our 'home areas' so it didn't really matter and make a different. (SERIOUSLY?????!!!!)

 

Anyway, i was as devastated as you were and it took me a long time to process it. I just retreated for a while because i didn't know what to do. He was STILL lying about her as if they never married when i had cold hard evidence of it. What he was really trying to do was stall to try to 'fix' it and hope I calmed down and that if he kept denying it was an actual marriage i'd let him get away with 'dating' someone and him being confused and lonely as to why he cheated. But he was obviously married and just doing damage control.

 

So I never saw him again once i uncovered that. It took me a couple months to pull myself together enough to accept how deep this betrayal was because it was a LONG relationship and i just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he was so selfish, such a huge liar, living a double life AND he had betrayed our love which had been a very good relationship, great compatability, sex life, perfectly matched intellectually etc. What happened was that he is very handsome, charming, egotistical, self centered, and encountered a VERY rich woman dangling a fantastic lifestyle in front of him and he couldn't resist. I seriously think he was arrogant enough to think that he 'deserved' both of us, her money and my love, and that I'd play Camilla to his Prince Charles, always in the background when he needed me, not demanding anything of him.

 

So he also was devastated because his little plan blew up in his face. He tried to hang onto me, but i kept rejecting his attempts to see me or be with me. We'd have these emotional email exchanges back and forth, but that was it. I had no intention of ever seeing/being with him again. He'd crop up every few months, waiting for me to simmer down and hoping that my love for him would let him back in my life again, but every time he'd contact me I'd emotionally kick the crap out of him and he'd disappear for a few months licking his wounds. He did this for THREE YEARS until finally i got fed up and we exchanged some emails where i said my goodbyes and told him everything I loved about him but that there was no way i was ever going to change my mind and he had made his bed and he needed to lie in it and lie in it without me!!

 

He was desperate to woo me back, offering me money (her money of course, seriously, you think you can buy me back??), saying ridiculous things like they had an 'open' relationship and she didn't care who he saw as long as she didn't have to know about it (seriously??)... all kinds of nonsense. Anyway, i finally broke all that off and just said, 'My job is to find a way to live the rest of my life without you, and your job is to go enjoy the money your marriage brought you.' (i.e., i basically let him know that i knew that he sold our love out for a better lifestyle and money and that i have no respect for that at all.) That final time worked (so far) and I haven't heard from him in almost a year so i hope that does it!

 

Now, regarding whether to tell the wife... I thought long and hard about that... in my case, I *think* what happened is he was casually sleeping with here when he first moved out there and she got pregnant. There was some evidence that they had a child, a little boy who was around 2-3 when i found out. And I could tell her, but what would that do? It would deprive that child of a father in the home. He actually was a good father and i had seen that in his son from his first marriage (who was an adult by then). I could tell her, but in potentially wrecking that home, i would be wrecking a child's life as well, and i didn't want to do that. I'd have my moment of 'revenge' BUT at the cost of blowing apart that child's home life, and I couldn't/wouldn't do it. So i just let it go. She would find out eventually who she married one way or another, and it wasn't up to me to deliver the news that her husband was a cheater. As far as I am concerned he cheated on ME with her, and the marriage was just a side effect of him probably marrying because of the child AND her pile of money.

 

So in the end, what really was the worst punishment for him for such a deep betrayal? I realized the worst punishment was depriving him of ME! He obviously never intended to lose me or wanted to lose me and was very dependent on me emotionally etc. So his worst punishment was to live with the consequences of his actions. I made it very clear that he had made his choice to marry, and in doing so that meant he didn't get to keep me, and i hope that all that money kept him lovely and warm and happy! So i let him know that he sold me out, i KNEW he sold me out for money, even if he didn't think he was doing it, i had no intention at all of being someone's mistress while he got to have his cake and eat it to.

 

So whether you know it or not, the WORST thing you can do to this guy is deprive him of you! He obviously didn't want to break up with you or he'd have done it before he married. And he obviously was very attached/in love with you to keep this relationship going for 4 years as an LDR when most people would have just broken it off by then. He wants you and to have you in his present and future, BUT he also made the selfish decision to marry a woman with money to secure his financial future.

 

So this says nothing at all about you or his love for you, but it says a LOT about how selfish and arrogant he is, that he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, living a double life and getting all his needs met, just in two different women. Her for money and lifestyle, you for love and emotional support. And depending on how crazy he is, he might have indeed eventually married you in your town and become a bigamist.

 

In my case, there was lots of evidence he didn't really love his wife, that it was a marriage of convenience due to this child and also because her millions were too tempting and he couldn't refuse that. But he never wanted/expected to have to give me up, and i know that it is a bitter pill for him. What better revenge than to know he is sitting at her dinner table listening to her babble about this shallow thing or that, while knowing that he has bought a nice lifestyle, but he doesn't have the closeness and sexual passion he did with me (and i know that for other reasons).

 

So, it is up to you to decide how to break this off with him, but to know that the worst punishment you can dole out to him is to let him know that YOU know he's a liar and a cheat and he sold you and your love out for a nice lifestyle. And that he made his choice and has to live with it, and that he'll never see you again and you won't be there in the background whenever he needs you. He is still calling you because you DO offer him something that matters to him, and the only way to really deal with situations like this is to let him live with the consequences of his choices. It's like he wants to make a deal with the devil, but not pay the price, i.e., he wants to marry one woman for money and lifestyle, but not have to give you up because obviously you offer him something emotionally she she doesn't. But he MUST pay that price, and you can deliver that news to him.

 

So my suggestion is that you sit down and write out everything in your heart. How much you loved him and how much you will miss him, as if you were having a last conversation with someone who is dying. Then at the end, you tell him exactly what he has done, that he has sold you out for money and lifestyle with this other woman, and you KNOW exactly what he has done even if he didn't expect you to find out, and that you are done and he needs to go off and enjoy that lovely money but he will never enjoy you again.

 

Then put it to rest. Work on healing. Hold your head high because you know you were true to your love even if he wasn't. I'm sure he did love you, but I'm also sure that he is very selfish and arrogant to try to live a double life, and you need to cut him loose in order to save yourself.

 

Whether you tell the wife or not is your choice, but keep in mind that most likely he will just lie and say you are some crazy woman from his past seeking revenge on him. If he lies to you, he will lie to her. And it will create a crapstorm of drama that may play out in a way that hurts you worse. He most likely will deny the relationship, call you crazy, try to blacken your name, and his wife in the throes of a new marriage/love will take his side of the story. That could make you feel even worse. So think about it carefully. Personally, i think the worse thing will be if he has to endure that you know what a stupid fool he was to do this, and that he will have to suffer in silence grieving your loss because he can't tell her about it! So that is a pretty steep punishment!

 

Also know that you WILL be fine. It will take a while though, but you can hold your head high knowing you did nothing wrong and you loved in earnest and truthfully and never betrayed him. He deserves to feel the loss and do without you. That is really his worst punishment whether you know it or not.

Edited by lavenderdove
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What a rotten person your (ex) bf is!!!

I'd definitely won't let this slide. I'd contact his wife asap and send her all the proof I have (pics, voicemails, texts, even airplane's tickets if you have) so he couldn't twist the story. Don't let him know you found out, first contact her. He doesn't deserve heads up, he deserves having the rug pulled from under him without previous notice.

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well said, Lavenderdove.

 

It is astounding how many men make their beds like this when their relationships turn into LDR's. With the exception of marriage, this is how my relationship ended--him moving in with a wealthy woman after he strongly encouraged me to take this job in this city I hated (it was permanent FT w/ benefits).

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in my 40's it still astounds me that these things can shock me ...it's human nature that shocks me , how we can actually treat each other like this .

 

I have been thinking about you all day op , and you have had some great advice ..I know it doesn't heal your heart my love , but I hope you feel at least a little comfort from knowing from all of us your a beautiful spirit and DO NOT deserve this xxxxx

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>>I don't even know if any of this relationship was real..was every moment we shared a lie???

 

btw, to answer that directly, no, your relationship was very real. So real that after 4 years, he is still trying to hang onto it even though he supposedly has a great future with a wife with money and a nice lifestyle. The fatal flaw here is his complete selfishiness and arrogance. He knew that though he loved you, you couldn't provide him with the social status/money that this woman could, and he selfishly wanted both, her lifestyle and your love. People like this are like scavengers, where they feel they MUST have every single thing they want if it is dangled in front of them. So he feels entitled to scavenge money and lifestyle from her, and love and attention and emotional closeness from you. Together those provide the perfect situation in his mind, and he is arrogant enough to think he can keep it going and no one will be the wiser.

 

It is like someone who stumbles upon a big bag of money in the street with the name of a bank blazoned accross the bag. Should he keep it, or call the bank and tell the bank he has found money that probably was stolen in a bank robbery then dumped when the robbers got scared of getting caught. He didn't actually steal it, and sees it is a LOT of money, enough to make many of his dreams come true... a great house, financial security, fun man toys. So what does he do? A truly honorable person would call the bank and return it. A less than honorable person will keep it, justifying to themselves that he doesn't really know whose money it is after all because there is no one to tell him that, so why not keep it since he so fortuitously stumbled upon and and he 'needs' it.

 

So he keeps the money, but decides to spend it discreetly so as not to call attention to himself and potentially have someone think he's a thief. So he finds ways to spend it while coming up with lies to tell everyone else why he suddenly has a lot of money and is buying nice things.

 

So that is how these situations develop. Slowly marching down a road one step at a time, justifying to themselves why it is OK to go down that road. And arrogant/stupid enough to believe that if they're careful enough, they can keep it all secret and 'manage' the situation to their own advantage.

 

So you don't have to distrust men in general. This certainly IS very wrong and knocks you on your arse for a while because it is a huge blow, BUT it is nothing more than a study in how selfish and arrogant some people can be, where if the situation presents itself for them to get EVERYTHING they want, even if they need two women to do it with, they will! Just like not all men would keep that bag of money they found, not all men will lie and cheat and deceive even if it is to their advantage.

 

For me, i saw my ex's choice as not only his selfishness and arrogance, but also as a really pitiful weakness... where he really wanted me, but he also really wanted to be rich, and he was too weak to make a choice and live with the consequences. He didn't want to give me up, but he didn't want to give up the chance to secure all that lovely money either, so he convinced himself it was the best path to just keep both and make sure we never found out about each other.

 

He didn't have to marry me to secure my love because he already had that love, but he did have to marry her to secure that money and get access to it. So that is how he made the choice of who to marry, like closing a business deal. He at one point even mentioned that he saw her and him as deciding to 'combine finances' (and never once mentioned the word 'married' to me), because that is how he saw it, him 'combining' his lack of money with her HUGE finances, a sweet deal if there ever was one, instant access to millions and all it took to get access to that money was a few words mumbled at the courthouse!

 

But a supreme lack of judgment to think he could do that and get away with it forever without me finding out about it! I was very loving, supportive, and independent, but I am also very smart and observant, so I did pick up on it and start investigating it and found out the truth. He was counting on my love and independence and the distance to keep his secret, and ignoring my intelligence and intuition which was just as strong as my love!

 

So it is about his weakness and character flaws, not about life or men in general. It is very very shocking for you now, but once you deal with this and put it behind you you will feel so much better. When i finally made the decision to drop kick him out of my life and tell him i had no intention of being his friend or GF or mistress or anything else and he needed to go off and leave me alone, a great weight was lifted off of me. And I truly felt that I was the winner here, because I had remaintd honorable and true to myself and to the love i had for him. I told him i would not tarnish that love by agreeing to continue in a relationship that he had really disrespected by marrying someone else and thinking he would get away with that and still keep me.

 

HE betrayed our love, but i would not do so. If he couldn't love me honorably and openly and in the way i deserved to be loved, then he didn't deserve to have me in his life at all, and the worst thing i could do to him was cut him off and leave him with the knowledge of how great what we had once was, that he would never have again. And I know 100% that he knows that and he won't ever have what we had again with his wife because what we had was GREAT and he just destroyed it in his weakness and greed. His loss, not mine! He can take all that money and roll in it for all i care, but he will NEVER have what we had that was greater than what money can buy!!

Edited by lavenderdove
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What a horrible situation, that nobody should ever have to go through!

 

What I would do is the following: I would not let him know just yet that you discovered the truth, I would respond to his texts as usual, making sure not to delete anything. In the meantime, I would try to google her some more, find out where she works, maybe call a few of the clinics, then buy myself a ticket and fly out there. Some things are worth the financial investment, and this is one of them. I don't think in a situation of such proportions, email, Facebook or mail will do it, you need to discuss with her face to face, without him having had a chance to brainwash her and make you look like a jealous psycho out for revenge. His wife has to be told before he even realizes that you are on to him.

 

I would approach talking to her not from the perspective of "by the way, your husband did this and that and I want you to know everything". I would just say "listen, I need your help, very recently I discovered by chance that my boyfriend of 4 years married you, and I feel like a rug has been pulled from under my feet, can you please help shed some light on what's going on?". I would show her all the pictures you have with him, all his texts, everything you have that would prove to her that you and him did indeed have a relationship, hopefully dates, so she can see it wasn't just a fling, and I would ask for her help to put together everything that happened and to try and make some sense of it all. This way she won't think you're out for revenge, she will only see a shocked person who needs to figure out what happened to her.

 

Then you can figure out (maybe together?) how to approach confronting him.

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What people seem to be focusing on her is punishing HIM, what to do about HIM, when what the OP needs to focus on is what is right for HER and her fastest healing and putting this behind her.

 

Even if she spends a lot of money to fly down there to supposedly tell his wife about this, odds are VERY good if she comes in out of the blue with the specific 'mission' to rat him out, it would play very easily into a scenario where he tells his wife that she is an ex who is obsessed with him and won't let him go. That yes, he once dated her, and has tried to let her down easy and they had just been long distance 'friends' since he met his wife, but now that bitter and obsessed ex is trying to wreck his marriage out of spite that he married someone else or in twisted hopes of getting him back. And he'll say she's sick, she's crazy blah blah blah. Most people who love a person enough to actually marry him, will take the word of a spouse over the word of some random woman who flies into town out of the blue with the express purpose of trying to destroy her marriage by making an allegation about her beloved.

 

He will claim she's psychotic, delusional, has created a bunch of fake emails from another account and printed them out and send them to herself claiming to be him. Unless the wife actually busts them together, in bed, where she sees it with her own eyes, someone who is slick enough to live a double life and keep two women on a string at the same time will find a way to spin this to his advantage. He probably keeps two phones, two different email accounts etc. to keep the two women apart, so there will be no evidence at all that he was still seeing her after the marriage other than pictures (which can be taken at any time) or her word against his.

 

So this could be EXTREMELY damaging to her if she spends a ton of money to fly down there, and all this woman does is call the police to have a crackpot who is stalking her and her husband removed from their presence, telling the police you are a vindictive ex who is stalking them and trying to ruin their marriage.

 

Or he could take a different tact, and say that you have been really sick and struggling with health problems, and he just didn't know how to break the news to you that he met someone else for fear you'd be suicidal and he couldn't live with that. So he kept minimal contact with you in hopes that when you were better and stronger, he could break the news that he was never coming back again. So he's cast himself in the role of the sympathetic ex who was worried about your health and didn't quite know how to break it to you that you were over, and he was waiting til the right moment to do so.

 

So it is not so cut and dried, and may back fire on her if they call the cops and try to have her arrested for stalking them. And once she tells them she knows, she still has to live with the fact that her relationship is over, and this will just absorb her thoughts and feelings rather than just doing what she ultimately has to do in the end, which is cut him off and move on with her life.

 

Her ex is who he is. So if she rats him out, it will just convince him he made the right choice to choose someone else. And he will probably spin some story and offer to go to counseling with his wife, and then they'll be back where they started. Or he'll just go find the next girl to be with, and more women to cheat with. That is just how it works, unfortunately. So her focus should be on herself, not him, and healing herself. That is what matters now. It is dastardly what he did, but it is not illegal, so in the end she just has to move on. It is better to do that now rather than fly down there, stir up all kinds of emotions, and possibly end up feeling worse if he labels her to her face and in front of his wife as a crackpot and bitter ex who wouldn't accept a breakup when he fell in love with his wife.

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I can see both Greta's side and I can see Lavenderdove's side of this coin. I know when I found out about my ex's treachery I wanted to hire PI's to find her so I could confront her. In the end, I got a hold of myself and decided to let it go--that all the information I would ever need on her would fall into my lap if I did nothing but wait. So I did.

 

It took about 2 years for the information to arrive. He'd downloaded a trojan which put his email list on blast. One day, I'd gotten a crazy email from him and all of his contacts in the CC column. I knew what her name was, so I looked for it and I found it; found her company; looked it up and found the contact information; looked up her address and found where they're both living. And I sat there and smiled because I had a neutron bomb in my hands and all I had to do was press the send button and watch for a mighty explosion to take place. But I didn't. I just emailed him and thanked him for sending me all the info I needed to blow his world apart (we never had issues of trying to contact one another during and after the break up by email, so he wasn't on block).

 

All of my revenge fantasies, where I was in complete control of variables I knew about and didn't know about, were epic, to say the least. But when the moment came to put it into action, I decided to spend my energy not focused on him and her, but on me and my continuing path out of that mess. She knew he was with me when she told him that she would introduce him to wealthy business people but in exchange for that, she wanted him to be her boyfriend. I thought pandering and solicitation were illegal. Who knew? She knew and didn't give a rat's behind, so me showing up would only be me throwing my dignity down in the dirt before someone not fit to sniff my fart. Her punishment is that she's got him and he's a cheater and will throw her over when the next chick with even more money comes along.

 

It's a tough row to hoe when you've been deceived to such an extent, but don't for one minute believe she knows nothing about you. She just might and she dangled jewel encrusted bait in front of his eyes and he was that rapacious that he took it and left you in the dark.

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I had something similar happen. I met a guy online, who lived in another state to me.We were in constant contact. He flew to meet me, we hit it off instantly. I flew to the major city near him. We were in constant contact by text & phone.

He was applying for jobs close to me, and was going to move as soon as one panned out.

He told me how he didn't have facebook & hated it.

One day while trying to add a friend to my FB on my mobile phone it showed his mobile number as someone I could add. I searched FB & found him. I also found his wife. To make matters worse her profile pic was her in her wedding dress.

The only saving grace was her martial status was "its complicated". His was "married".

I rang him, he wouldn't pick up. I text him & he wouldn't reply. I finally left a voice message & told him if he didn't talk to me I would contact his wife. He finally returned my call.

He told me that FB was incorrect, that he wasn't married LOLOLOL. I told him to give me a little more credit for the brain I possessed, and it all came out.

He was married (DOH). 2nd marriage (I knew about the first one), they didn't love each other, he was in the spare room, that is why he could contact me so much. He was applying for jobs here & when he got one he was just going to pack up & leave her, and I was to be none the wiser.

I told him never to contact me again. I didn't tell his wife, I just slunk away to lick my wounds.

 

Karma is an amazing thing though. He called me about 4 weeks after, asking me if I, or a family member had contacted his wife. I said no we hadn't. Apparently someone told her about us, she threw him out, put a caveat on the house, and started divorce proceedings.

A week later he text me telling me a friend of his wife's had seen us together in the city near his home, and had contacted her. I laughed, and told him to never ever contact me again. That was the last I hear of him.

 

I wish you well in coming to terms with all of this. It is such a huge thing to deal with when someone breaks your trust.

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...it's human nature that shocks me , how we can actually treat each other like this .

 

It's only a shock if you want to believe we're not part of the animal kingdom...

 

If you spend enough time watching the animal kingdom, you'll see everything humans are ever capable of doing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

What's is his sister and fathers relationship with you? After all they know you both, first confront them then that will set the panic and arguing off on that side and you will hear the story from differing handles.

But you have to get your questions right and contact them in a short space of each other to see if everyone knew and if they will defend him, or be shocked and you get another twist to the story.

 

The wife is perhaps in the dark as much as you and he married her! She will perhaps feel a lot worse than you do right now! Think about doing to her what has just happened to you and how you are going to make her feel! Not saying she should not know but are you telling her to get back at him and being emotionally selfish or are you doing it so she knows what a deceiving cheat he is!

 

I wouldn't txt you cannot get the truth that way tell him to come up and confront him show him FB, ask him what is this! That if you know you can handle that amount of emotion!!! Only do that if you are strong!!!

 

That will set the cat amoungst the pigeons!! He will start to fret about how and when you will tell his wife!!

And someone in the family will have to talk! Leave him and them to the hellish situation and get on with your life!

 

Go and stay with a friend or family until you feel better!!!

 

Hope that helps!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Holy crap. This is the kind of story you see on Dateline or 20/20. For some reason, the fact that he got married to someone else AFTER being with you for four years is even more shocking than finding out he'd been married all along.

 

But it's a cautionary tale about 1) not dating married men 2) not getting into indefinite LDRs 3) being OK with not meeting family.

 

I agree that you shouldn't waste the plane ticket, but do share photos/evidence with his wife. I doubt she'll leave but at least she'll know.

 

Yes. LDRs are a bad, bad, bad idea 99.9% of the time. And when you've not been introduced to a supposed partner's family - whether LD or not - that's a huge red flag.

 

OP, definitely tell his wife. She deserves to know that she married a sociopath. Who knows how many other LDRs he's in?

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This is unbelievable, sorry you are going through this pain right now. and Lavenderdove your story is just as unbelievable too, it really makes you sick to your stomach to think people like this exist in the world. I'm almost lost for words!!

 

I agree with lavenderdove about making him realise that he has completely lost you forever, that is his punishment. I also kind of like the idea of what someone said about opening a facebook account and tagging them all in screenshots of his messages to you and photos of you two together. Whatever you decide to do the wife needs to know what a complete dog he is.

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  • 8 months later...

This just happened to me. Only that I was with him 11 years. He never really left me. He would disappear for a while not answer phone or emails. He ended up going to Canada after 9 years or living together October 2011, for work was there two years. Turns out he got married October 2012 to a woman he met on line. I flew up there twice and about four times to Detroit, where he is now. I went one way to Detroit last month to live there we just got a house there after 1 year of looking. We had a real estate agent who would send us emails regularly, and he would send me pictures of homes almost daily. I found their pictures along with some of her clothing. He tried to tell me he only married her because he wanted a child? I looked her up on FB and she had over 400 pictures of them including the wedding. I was shocked I could not believe it he never let me know any different. I flew back home just this Tuesday after finding another woman making plans with him. He got married October 21 and came here to my house November 2012. I was in Detroit last June and a ring fell out his wallet, I took and, asked about it and he told me he found it. He let me get rid of the ring!! I contacted her but she does not want to hear it. 11 YEARS!! of my life wasted!! All this time we talked about how we would grow old together. He said he would divorce her but it would take him time. I said well you have a choice her or me, and at first he was just saying I am sorry I messed up, it will be OK, she will never come here. I asked him how he thought I would never find out if I was living with him! He just said I should have not unpacked and found it. Regardless not a fun situation.

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Oh, I'm really sorry... something similar happened to me as i posted above.

 

Really, RUN don't walk away from this guy... he has shown you that he is a betrayer and capable of living a double life and lying and cheating. You can't believe a single thing that he says, and he may do this to you again and again and most likely will NOT divorce her at all, though he may lie and say he divorced her.

 

Men with 'bigamist' leanings like this are extremely narcissistic and frequently sociopaths, so you need to get totally away from him. He probably married her because she had money or assets or else he got her pregnant and married her to pacify her.

 

He is also giving you clues.. by saying things like 'she will never come here' and 'you shouldn't have unpacked and found it' he is just letting you know how his mind works. He's not SORRY he did this and doesn't see how wrong this all is, instead he just sees it as a 'compartmentalization' issue where he has to keep you in one location and her in another and hence in that circumstance can have his cake and eat it too!

 

You can't un-know what you know, and what you know about this guy is devastating and scary! He's at best a narcissist and at worst a sociopath, so you need to save yourself and get away from him.

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Crocodile tears!!!

 

Baby wants ALL his favorite toys around him and cries when he has to leave one behind because he can't have them all at once.

 

Don't fall for it! Cut him out of your life and move forward. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens more often than people realize. Some people have no character and are selfish enough to just take what they want with no reference to how their choices and actions will affect other people. He has no moral center. It's all about what feels good for him at the moment, and that will change from moment to moment.

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And, it's crazy how he would cry every single time I left. Sob huge tears with snot.

 

This is so scary!! He's a sociopath or something...

 

I know I'm jaded, but I realized pretty early on life that a man's tears and apologies after mistreating you are worth a bucket of spit (thanks Dad!). If someone is really sorry about what they've done, they won't:

 

  • make excuses
  • try to guilt you
  • make themselves the victim
  • or blame you for their actions.

Crying and tears at being caught are just one form of manipulation.

Edited by Iggles
Mass typos ,
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lavenderdove speaks the truth. I wish I could click the star under her post like we could before.

 

i have an ex of sorts who married secretly and sexted me the day before and the day after the wedding. By that time we had broken it off - of course he had been engaged the whole time but who knew - but were in constant correspondence. Why he kept his wedding a secret, sexted me before and after, I don't know. Why he did most anything he did, I do have some idea. He can't feel, PTSD from several sources, sociopathy, etc etc. A sense of love for me seems to remain, and I retain a softness for him against all logic. Of course we have not communicated since then.

 

After a time, I realized it doesn't matter why. It only matters that I let it go, be grateful I have no legal ties, and work on myself.

 

I found an article today that might be helpful to you.

 

link removed

 

I am sorry for your loss, for loss is certainly part of the result of this discovery.

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