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My Boyfriend Secretly Married Someone While Dating Me


BrnEyedGirl
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Hi everyone,

 

I'm sorry in advance if this turns out to be a long post or if it sounds overly emotional/confusing. I am in desperate need of advice and have no one to turn to. Right now, my mind is a mess..I am shocked, sad, and drowning in my own tears

 

My story:

 

I'm in a committed LDR for the past 4 years with my boyfriend. He lives in Texas and I'm in Canada. We have made frequent trips during that time as well as spoke on the phone (and internet) every day, multiple times a day for hours. He has already met my family and I flew to another country to meet his father. Since the beginning we have always talked about marriage, kids and spending our lives together. He was supposed to be "the one" for me.

 

Yesterday I randomly ended up looking him up on a search engine. I had done this once when we were first dating, but it was more curiosity at that time. Last night it was for a silly reason of hearing on the news about identity theft and they recommended you should look up loved ones on a search engine to make sure no one has been using their info. And so that's what I did. I searched his email and came accross his FB profile. He had FB when we first were dating but said he rarely used it and I guess he made it difficult to search (wasn't able to find it the first time I looked).. And I'm not on FB so I wouldnt really be able to check otherwise. Anyway, there was his profile with one pic that I could see. I read the comment that someone left and it said " Nice pic! Congrats on the wedding to ****. Hope we can all go on a trip one day".....My mouth hit the floor. It hasn't left.

 

I ended up staying up all night and found out through further googling and clicking on FB that his brother in law had posted pictures. And then I saw them.. There were 4 pictures of my boyfriend of 4 years with some other woman.. MARRIAGE PICTURES!! The date was Nov 23, 2012. I remember around that time he said he had to help his Dad with some business and also see his sister and brother in law (they all live in anther country. I haven't met his sister or brother in law btw as they live so far, but have spoken to them) and he said he was going to his cousin's wedding and he needed to go as he missed so many family weddings growing up. I stupidly believed him. I checked my old texts and he had written before he left, "I love you so much. I'll miss you and would much rather be coming to see you". He kept in touch through texts and we spoke a few times, but he said he had issues connecting his phone. Truthfully I don't even know where he got married or if he ever left, as the pics say Houston. And if he did get married how/why was he txting and calling me like nothing happened, telling me that he went to some relatives house and that he was helping with the cousins wedding etc??...I just can't understand any of this.

 

The worst part of last night was seeing this other woman (this pretty doctor) and when I clicked on her profile she had a wedding picture of my bf, his father and her as her cover. I was able to click on the only 4 pictures I could see (because of privacy settings!) and they were all of the wedding. One was a picture of both of them at a club hugging. It was dated a few months ago, a couple weeks after my birthday.

 

I literally collapsed on the floor after seeing all of this...shaking, crying, stunned. I pulled up old pictures of us together just to make sure this was him. I felt like I was going crazy and kept telling myself, that maybe this was some other guy who just really looked like him. But it wasn't. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare

 

This past year has been hell on me since I have had some ongoing health issues, and I even briefly considered not being with him a few months ago as I didn't want to make his life harder because I was so sick. I stupidly have always thought of him. I have been 100% faithful to his man. I just can't understand how anyone can do this to someone. I couldn't even imagine doing this to my worst enemy. It's not like he had some arranged marriage, because he looks happy and he has always told me that he is an independent man. He had a past marriage that failed and during the first part of our relationship we spoke at length about what he went through and how she took him for a ride. (Who knows if that's true or not) I always was on his side about his role in his marriage and helped him through whatever traumas he had dealt with in his childhood (his mom and brother passed away when he was young).

 

Our relationship has had some ups and downs like every relationship, but we were happy I thought. If there were ever times when we did fight, he always pushed for us to stay together. Ive even heard him cry on the phone about us always staying together..Were those even real tears or maybe just crocodile tears?

 

Our last call yesterday he was telling me how excited he was to have children with me one day and he started asking me about how we should plan our future..where we wanted to live, etc. Im confused as to how can he be married to someone else and have a full relationship with me. Making me believe that we have this amazing future together when really I have nothing. Telling me each and every day that he's in love with me. Words which I really believed. I don't know if I became the other woman or was she dating him before me, and I'm the other woman. Whichever way it is, its absolutely horrible. I feel like the floor has fallen from under me.

 

I have thought about flying to Houston so that I can find this other woman and tell her the truth about her supposed perfect husband. I know you may think it's wrong to do so, but my life has been destroyed by this so why should he be able to just continue with his with no repercussions. It's not something that I ever would like to do, as I'm sure she thinks the world of him too, but why should he just escape blame free??? Plus he's ruining her life too, by having this relationship with me. I have also thought of just showing up unannounced and seeing how he reacts and confronting him them. A part of me wants him to see the pain he has caused face to face because right now I feel disposable and like I'm toy that he's playing with and will one day just throw away.

 

I love this man with all my heart..more than any one else I have ever loved. But this is the worst thing that someone you love can do to you. Sadly, I have been cheated on before, but never like this. And my boyfriend knew that I was cheated on previously and he always said he would take care of me so I never get hurt. All lies I guess

 

I really don't know how I can move on from this.I feel like I can't believe in anyone anymore. I am imagining just closing myself from perpetual hurt and just living alone forever. I feel like its one bad relationship after the next. I don't even know if any of this relationship was real..was every moment we shared a lie???

 

I don't know why he has decided to continue to make me feel like he's my boyfriend and we have this perfect life together..I would have more respect for him if he has just broke it off with me before he decided to marry this girl. Actually I don't think I'll ever have respect for him.

 

What should I do? Do I just confront him on the phone or should I travel there? Should I contact her?

 

Please help!!!

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wow...what an a$$hole!!!!!!!!!! i would simply send him one text, congrats on your marriage....do not fly out there, that will cost you a lot of money for nothnig....

i would indeed also want to tell his wife, but not by flying down there, see if you can find a phone number of her...she has a right and a need to know what a jerk she married

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It sounds like you met a married guy who used you as a therapist as he got divorced. You were the emotional crutch while he dated who he wanted to marry. This is a toughie. But it's a cautionary tale about 1) not dating married men 2) not getting into indefinite LDRs 3) being OK with not meeting family.

 

I agree that you shouldn't waste the plane ticket, but do share photos/evidence with his wife. I doubt she'll leave but at least she'll know.

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Sara Pezzini - Thanks for your reply..I don't know if I can leave it with one text..Its 4 years I spent with him..I want him to at least have to give me some answers..I feel like a text is just letting him off the hook. As for the wife, I've never been in a situation like this..Maybe if I call, she'll just hang up on me??

 

Ms Darcy - Thanks as well. I think you have misunderstood the situation though..He was not married when we met and his divorce was a long time before we dated..We just discussed it during the initial stage of our relationship.I would NEVER date a married man knowingly. Also this was not meant to be an indefinite LDR..There were definite plans to marry. I also could not meet the entire family as they live in different countries around the world. I unfortunately can not afford to spend that much money for flights. I did manage to fly my entire immediate family to meet his Father though and I was in touch with his sibling through the phone. They all did know about me..I had been around him talking to his sister and he talked about me to her. SO it wasn't as if I was a secret.

 

I'm not sure how I share evidence with someone who I don't even know where she works or lives. How should I go about all of this? I don't have her email numbers anything..She was just a stranger I found married to my boyfriend on FB. This is all so stressful for me

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Ms Darcy - Yes, I think he must have met this girl while I was dating him and then decided to marry her. I still can't believe it The was divorced from his ex wife before I met him.

 

Showing proof was the reason I wanted to fly out. It could cause more drama but if I was to get in touch with her, she might believe me more face to face. I never in my life, thought I would be in this situation. I can't even imagine what I would tell her..I never knew I would have to deal with "the other woman" in my lifetime..

 

 

If there are any women on this forum who have dealt with this personally (i.e. confronting the other woman) please let me know what to do? what to say?

 

 

Also how should I confront him about this??? Right now, he doesn't even know that I know.

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and i think if you call her she will not hang up, you hear stories like this a lot, that someone calls a married woman and tells her she is or was involved with the man, most women listen....and if not, well then that is not your problem, but you will plant the seed of doubt and she can do with it whatever she wants..

for his this will be devastating as well, she just married him 8 months ago....what a jerk....really.....

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Wow. I'm sorry that so many people have to deal with so much hurt due to other's unbelievably selfish and ridiculous actions. I definitely don't know what I would do in your situation, but I do know that you really can't trust so easily. My relationship just ended because so much tension and frustration was built up due to the fact that I need to move away to pursue furthering my education. My ex wanted to try Long distance and I told him I couldn't do it. Long distance for so long is almost impossible unless there is an extremely strong foundation and both people know eachother well enough to place all their trust in eachother. Men lie. As much as I wanted to trust that my ex would never do anything, it was just impossible to think that he wouldn't be out and about every now and then while I was away.

 

Do you know the girls name? You can look her up with her full name and somehow find an address. Maybe she's also on his FB?? Gosh, I'm sorry you have to deal with such a nightmare. Just keep chatting on here. It will help you get it out. Stay busy. Get out of the house and exercise when you can. That always helps me.

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Sara-Pezzini - Maybe that might be easier than in person. I'm still in two minds about all of this. I definitely do not want him to get away with this. I think right now, he has his cake and is eating it too. It probably would be one of the worst conversations of my life but maybe she will listen to what I have to say and kick his ass to the curb..Somehow women are always the ones that get screwed around. He is such an incredible liar that I'm sure that he would find a way to convince her that I was just some crazy ex who wanted him back or something..who knows..

 

Do you think I should for sure tell her? Or is anyone on the fence that it would cause more harm that way. I'm also thinking that if he is this crazy to marry a girl behind his gf's back..then what else is he capable of?

 

btw. I also have saved voicemails on my iPhone..do you think there's a way to save those and maybe send that as proof?

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i think she has a right and a need to know what she is married to! i know i would want to know.....

and i would confront him, not stay silent, because then if you tell her, he will make you out ot be crazy and get furious probably, he has to know that you know imo....

just staying silent doesn't do it, not for me....as i said, i would send him a text congrats on your marriage and then he will respond, and then you can take it from there, this is how i would do it...

i don't know about the voicemails because i don't know how an iphone works and if you can send those....maybe record them with a little recorder or something and then you can put that on the computer and send as an attached file.... i had a mp3 player that could do this, and i recorded and saved voicemails from my bf to my computer that way.....

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oh my word ......darling there are some stories that break my heart on here ....this is one of them.

 

big big hugs to you ,I can only imagine the pain you are in ....how in gods name can another human being actually do this to another .

 

I havent read the other replies properly , but I would not ignore and just walk away from this , no way , you have the damn right to confront this man ..as for his wife ...there is a chance no matter what you say or do she will stay loyal to him , because your are not in the same country and the majority of your relationship has been conducted more on the air waves than in person.

 

as for going out there ..there is a chance I would out of anger ..but ..it's you then making that awful flight home on your own under these dreadful circumstances .

 

all the rules of keeping quite are out the window here darling , you kick that ******** ass .

 

 

by the way , not that it is much comfort but someone did this to one of my friends ...he was late to pick her up ...she rang here and there ....he was late because he was at his own wedding ....!! begs belief doesn't it ....I feel so bad for you xx

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RollingAlong- Thanks for your reply. About the trusting easily..When I met him, I did have walls up from being cheated on in my previous relationship..but through all the love I felt with my bf..those walls came down and it was then that I started trusting. SO I don't know what more I could have done to prevent this? I do know men lie..its a sad fact of my life..But this is bordering on psychological lying. HE definitely hid it very very well so that I didn't find out.. I just don't know he manages to speak to me so much throughout this entire relationship and even after getting married..where is this wife?? It all leaves me with more questions..Also what do you think could make a newly married man decide to keep a long term relationship going with me as if nothing happened? I wonder when he would even tell me..after they have kids??

 

I'm really sorry you are having issues from your relationship? I truly hope you are in a better place after it ended. I can also understand when you thought he was going out while you would be away. Thats a natural thought and I did tell my bf he could go out and have fun with his friends while I was away..most of the time he said I would rather talk to you so we would just talk all night, but he did definitely spend time with friends. I don't really know where in the line between grilling your bf all the time because you've become paranoid to just giving them free reign to do whatever..In my case, I did not want to be controlling so told him he could spend time with his friends but we clearly had a conversation about no cheating EVER..guess his brain was on auto pilot that day

 

I did see her full name on FB..I'm actually not a member on the site but just saw the pictures which google linked me too..Wish there was a way for me to see more or find out more. I really want to know when this relationship with her started. I think she works out of 5 clinics..Feels like a nightmare to have to track this chick down among all the other things Im dealing with. I'll def look more into finding a way to send those voicemails..I have tons of them saved..

 

Thanks for your support.. I will keep posting here.. I'm really thankful to all of you have have posted so far..It means a lot to have someone listen and try and help.

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Shooting Star - Thanks for your sweet reply..I need all of the support and big hugs I can get right now. I am completely falling apart. The night I found out I had zero sleep and today could be a repeat of that. I'm truly turning into a shell of a person. I still can't imagine how anyone could do that to someone that they say they love. It's pretty disgusting isn't it?

 

I agree..I don't want to ignore this..In my past I have played the nice girl one too many times and let things slide. This time I deserve to have answers for him. He destroyed my life, they least he owes me is some answers. Maybe he will lie again and say he was forced into getting married..ugh

 

True she may stay loyal to him..but I just want her to know what i never was allowed to know..the truth.. And I feel its my duty that now I know what a horrible bf he is, he must be an equally bad husband..And she should know what happened regardless no? Also, what if there are other girls out there? My mind races just thinking about it..

 

Yes, I've thought about how dreadful that flight would be going and coming back from there..She's a dr too..so what would I do..make an appointment? and then tell her..it feels so crazy awkward..Do you have an suggestions?' or would the phone still be the safest bet?

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You break up with him [however you have to do that in your own mind] and rebuild your life, one step at a time.

 

When bad things happen, you find a way to deal with them, and in doing so, you grow as a person. You'll be ok, but it'll be rough for a couple months. Baby steps...

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Lonewing - Thanks for that advice..I just don't know how to erase him from my mind and heart though. I was planning to marry this man. I don't even know how hard it is when I start getting questions about him from family and friends..telling this story over and over is going to be self destroying and then I dont want everyone to talk about me..sooooo much stress

 

i understand its the bad that makes us grow..but I really am in dire need of some good in my life..Its been a very long time since I have any of that..

 

Hope I can take those baby steps...

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What an incredible story! Quite apart from the grief that any of us would feel on discovering a long-term partner had been cheating, you must have doubted your own sanity when you discovered all this.

 

Do you have a postal address for this guy? Presuming his wife lives with him (though perhaps I'm making a bit of an assumption here, given his track record!) could you not write to her, letting her know the situation and with as much proof as you are able to produce? Keep it calm, measured and factual. This story is so off-the-wall that any hint of emotion from you will be seized by him as evidence that you're crazy.

 

As for him - can you get hold of a copy of one of his wedding pics, forward it to him, tell him what you've discovered and let him know that you won't be in contact with him again?

 

As regards the reasons for your breakup with friends and family - you don't have to give them all the details. You can just tell them that he'd started seeing someone someone closer to home and that you could no longer continue the relationship.

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Lonewing - Thanks for that advice..I just don't know how to erase him from my mind and heart though. I was planning to marry this man. I don't even know how hard it is when I start getting questions about him from family and friends..telling this story over and over is going to be self destroying and then I dont want everyone to talk about me..sooooo much stress

 

i understand its the bad that makes us grow..but I really am in dire need of some good in my life..Its been a very long time since I have any of that..

 

Hope I can take those baby steps...

 

Time, all you can take is time. And it will hurt the first couple times you tell it, perhaps, and later versions may simply be "we broke up." You don't have to explain yourself fin this day and age, we all get it.

 

This may very well BE some good - for so long you have been missing the life that is right outside your back door, in anticipation for this life with him. The best part about life out your back door is the fact he's not there - it's your world, and you're free to be in it.

 

Take your time, that's all you Can do. Heck, it may be a week or two before you stop crying, but it's good to let it out when the waves hit. Let it out and then carry on, because your ups will be happier, the longer you go.

 

The sooner you cut all parts of him out of your life, including those thoughts of telling everyone he knows about this, the sooner you'll forget. If you need too, get a notebook and just write things down, letters to her, to him, to yourself. In a couple months, burn it or file it away somewhere deep and dark, though it's better to burn it. Breakup diaries, I used one; they work.

 

And No contact, that one is the best thing. Just let him fade like a bad memory!

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how would you all confront him? I want to do it in the best way where he will also feel some pain..I'm not a mean revengeful person, but he needs a taste of how incredibly bad he has destroyed me and I pray he never does this to anyone else..

 

those who can, do; those who can't, talk about it.

 

Him feeling pain to your satisfaction is not the goal.

 

All you need to do is to stop playing the adoring girlfriend to him and blow his little world sky high with the truth.

 

Open up a facebook page and post all of your photos and screenshots of texts with dates and everything--and tag the both of them, since you know their names. Let the rest fall out in experience for them both.

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Tell him off... tell him what a pig he is. But do not say you are contacting his wife. Make sure you have her details, can Facebook her, post her, call her before he has a chance to twist it and tell her lies about you.

This guy is used to having his cake and eating it. He will be slippery. Make sure she knows the truth.

No one deserves this. He is sick and devious. Do not for a second blame yourself. This is 100% him.

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those who can, do; those who can't, talk about it.

 

Him feeling pain to your satisfaction is not the goal.

 

All you need to do is to stop playing the adoring girlfriend to him and blow his little world sky high with the truth.

 

Open up a facebook page and post all of your photos and screenshots of texts with dates and everything--and tag the both of them, since you know their names. Let the rest fall out in experience for them both.

 

this is a great idea! i love it....do you have pics of you two together and so on?

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