sex SIZZLES, but feelings DON'T...

[Kbelles]

hey there, Ive been posting regularly on this board and others about a 'friends with benefits' situation that im currently in. actually, we have more of a "sexual arrangement" and aren't really close as friends. when one of us wants to do the deed we just call the other one up. simple, right? not exactly.

 

recently ive started feeling emotionally worn-down and drained by this whole experience. because of the fact that i have to detach my feelings from this situation, ive become cold and non-caring. this is not who i am. im not my normal, caring, warm, loving self. i find myself crying and being depressed after we have sex.

 

lately, ive had to ask myself a lot of questions: do i love him? no. do i care about him? sure. can i continue doing this? no way. the sex is still fantastic but its laced with guilt from start to finish. mentally, i can't enjoy the sex.

 

so, ive decided to let it go. i just don't know how to do it. i just can't build up enough nerve to say to him that i dont want to go through this anymore. i just get sooooo weak around him because the sex is so good. i actually tried to tell him once before and he was kissing on my neck while i was trying to be serious! we ended up having sex and i was even MORE mad at myself afterwards!

 

i feel like im on a terrible merry-go-round and everytime i try to jump off, i miss my chance. i don't know what to do. i could REALLY REALLY REALLY use anyones advice on what to do

[under_the_pressure]

First off, I want to tell you the name for this sounds like a article in Cosmo or something. It's a cute name but then when I read it I felt bad...

 

Emotionally this can't be good for you. I know it can't be good for you. I watched something on television once about "Friends with Benefits" and *whew* it seemed to stressful for me.

 

I don't have any great advice, hopefully someone after me will. But, you know that you have to get out of this. It's not good for you. Even if his sex is amazing and his kisses are totally irresistible, you'll have to somehow overcome that and tell him.

 

Someone...give her better advice.

 

under*

[marijo2480]

Hello! Oh hun...the only thing I can tell you is that you must stop doing this to yourself. What's the point of making love to someone if you're angry at yourself afterwards. Because you're already in this position, I would say that you talk to him over the phone and tell him that if you both aren't going to be more than friends, that you rather be nothing at all. Don't offer him any other option because he'll think that he can continue to have his friendship with benefits. If he wants a relationship and you want that too, fine, but run if he doesn't or if you really don't want that either. Also, the only reason why I'm saying to do this by phone is because you seem to give in to his little affectionate ways. All he has to do is kiss you the right way and you're melting in his arms. I wish you the best of luck with this. Let us know what happens. I really hope you can be a strong woman and either put a stop to this, or get this guy to give you more than just a friendship.

 

Marie

[S4il]

So this is sort of No strings attached sex, under the justification of friends?

 

 

I would tell him this, (Be Forceful in your words, but remain civil at the same time) Don't break down and cry, or have sappy voice, you have to tell him like it is...Your Drawing the Lines here NOT him

 

I would start it off with a Sharp Quick Punch Line of:

 

"I can't do this anymore!"

 

"I'm feeling like a minimal use sex-(play)-toy, and i would like for you to understand that this isn't healthy for either one of us as friends, Like i said I can NOT do this anymore (emphasize what you stated in the beginning again, so he knows you mean it) Than follow up with something like

 

"I want you too accept it out of respect for me, and if you can't respect my thoughts and feelings towards you as of now, and being in this on going friends with benefits relationship, than I have come to the decision that me and you should not remain friends and that the fellowship between us isn't worth maintaining."

[Cadence308]

I agree with S4il. You need to talk to him about your feelings for him and tell him that you can't do this any longer. You need him to listen to you and tell him that. Maybe he has feelings for you and you two can have a romantic relationship, but you need to re-establish the boundaries with him.

 

Also, exert some self-control when you try to talk to him. Push him away when he tries to get frisky. Tell him you are serious and that you need to talk to him and for him to listen.

[shes2smart]

I've been in a similar situation.

 

I'd avoid getting into the discussion of your feelings, as it sounds like that is beyond the scope of your arrangement. But you do need to tell him that you will no longer be available. If you are concerned about it escalating into more, then let him know via phone.

 

I'd keep it at, "Look, it's been great, but it's just not working for me anymore." When I broke off my bed buddy situation, that's exactly what I said, and it was enough. Polite and civil, yes....messy and emotional...no...that's beyond the scope of what the bed buddy relationship is about. If you're strictly bed buddies, any emotional discussion is too much information. If there's an underlying friendship, he probably already knows anyway.