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Am I Being Too Selfish or Materialistic??


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thanks again ladies for the very helpful advices.

i decided to talk with my boyfriend tonight after reading the feedback on my post. i have always told him that my best friend only has a crush on me. but i didn't tell him that my best friend actually told me he loves me because i didn't want him to tell me to cut off my friendship immediately. so tonight i kinda told him the truth about my best friend and how i worry about money in a marriage.

 

after moments of silence of listening to what i have to say, my boyfriend turns to me and says "i already know that he has deeper feelings for you than just a crush. i also know that he's better looking than me and he makes more money than me. every time you hang out with him, it makes me uncomfortable. but i don't say anything because it's your life. i already gave you my heart, what you want to do with it is entirely up to you. just know that i love you and i will work as hard as i can to make sure you have a happy life."

 

i think this concludes it. he's the best boyfriend ever (to me at least) i am the biggest idiot!! i wish i had talk to him about all of this earlier instead of just plain worrying. i feel so ty for being selfish and focusing on money.

 

thanks again for sharing personal experiences! i am truly glad i opened up to him instead of bottling up inside

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and seriously ladies, thanks for opening my eyes with your own marriage experiences. before that, i always thought marriage was fragile and filled with arguments. i think hearing your difficulties in marriage and how you got through it makes me believe that i can have a wonderful marriage in the future and one that will be very different from my parents

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DN, i described what happened....of course i told him i love him!! isn't that pretty obvious??
Well, no, it isn't. It hasn't been something that has been obvious since your first post. It does seem that you were very impressed when he said

" ...i will work as hard as i can to make sure you have a happy life"

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Every woman I know who married for money is very unhappy and every woman I know who married for love and no money is very unhappy also.

 

You pick your poison. Or you pick your rose garden. Essentially choose a life in which you will be able to lay your head down at night and sleep comfortably. It's about your own personal integrity, not your mother's, not your friends, etc.

 

I will be the first person to tell you----money has never brought me any happiness -- So what does that say?

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And I am "happily" unmarried! And 100% independent and capable of marrying without my husband having to support me.

 

Your premise --- that you need someone to bring you flowers...is off. Plant your own garden.

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And I am "happily" unmarried! And 100% independent and capable of marrying without my husband having to support me.

Here is another happy single independent woman, who does not need a man in her life for financial support.

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I would be paying off the PhD student loan...the life I want is to teach leisurely part-time (enough to pay off my student loan) while having lots of time to take care of my kids and watch them grow up.

 

Here is what I think (and how I live/lived). I think if you want someone financially stable then you have to bring your own financial stability to the table. I don't think it makes a lot of sense to get a PhD if all you want to do is teach part time - the professors I know do take time off to take care of children, or take sabbaticals, but to do academia properly in my opinion you have to be a prolific publisher/researcher as well as fulfill teaching responsibilities. If you simply want to be an adjunct I wouldn't go for the PhD right now (maybe a masters) and don't pursue a tenure track position, then do the PhD when you can afford it financially.

I think it's great to be a full time parent (it's what I'm doing right now -he's 4) but what I did to prepare for that was to work for 15 years at an intense career (intense in hours, financially rewarding too), paid off my grad school loans within 3 years of graduating, and now that I am a full time mom I can contribute to the household expenses and can increase that contribution if it was ever needed- my husband is a fabulous provider but I like knowing that I can carry my weight equally even without bringing in an income. And I plan on returning to work in the not too distant future - not at the hectic pace of pre-child but most likely full time or darn close to full time.

 

I realize that most women want to have children earlier than I did (early 40s) and probably should so you might not be able to put in all those years of building a nest egg but I highly recommend the practice of building your own nest egg and bringing more to the table than "I want to pursue a PhD and you have to financially support me while I'm doing it because that is one of my dreams and also financially support my being a full time parent, another one of my dreams". Of course if your husband wants you to be a full time parent that balances things out but your version sounds a bit one-sided and risky for you - what if your husband loses his job or can't work for some reason? (not even going to go there with divorce, but that too).

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There is that too. There were times my husband could not work due to very severe anxiety and was given months off at a time, about 5 different times. If I was not working we would have been pooched.

 

I agree too that getting a PhD to just dabble in teaching but your main focus is home is a HUGE waste of money and resources and time.

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If you just want to be part time why not teach at High School level. There is a teacher at my son's school who only teaches in the AM because she is winding down for retirement.

I would only get a PhD if you want o be a university professor and that is not something that is really "part time."

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I have to echo what the wise women before me have already stated in various terms. It is beyond important to establish self-sufficiency before integrating a marriage and spouse into your life.

 

I remember when my fiance and I first started to discuss marriage. I said something that would probably be received as completely feministic and/or egotistical. I told him that, at this point in my life, I'm confident that I could financially care for myself and a child with just my income. After high school, I was fortunate enough to get a scholarship to college and what that didn't cover, my parents told me they cover the remainder for two years. So, I made the decision to get a two-year nursing degree and begin working full-time right away (at 19 years old). Those paychecks went right toward my bachelor's degree, which I got while working.

 

Now that my fiance and I are planning a wedding and building a home together, the financial demand has obviously increased. His income is significantly lower right now, though he works his butt off. But we are on the same "team effort" page. I pick up overtime and there is no gig he turns down. Like previous posters, we have already run into some discrepancies in the way we understand money. I am definitely the financial budgeter, and I'm chomping at the bit to create a budget once we find out approximate monthly payments for our various bills. He's more of a "pay as you go" personality and tends to underestimate costs.

 

With all that being said, even though a relationship is a two-person job, you still have to keep a firm handle on your independence. If you're fortunate enough to get to teach leisurely and mainly be a stay-at-home mom, fantastic! But I'd advise you to have the foresight to know how to handle a layoff, injury, or huge turn in your financial state and be prepared to rearrange your plans. Don't comb the marriage market for a breadwinner. Marry if it's the right person, plain and simple.

 

I joke with my fiance all the time that, even if one of his bands become the next Coldplay, I'm bringing my laptop along to the stadiums to work for emergency funds.

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Teachers need a Masters Degree....not a PhD --- unless you are planning on teaching at the college level.

Not in my school district. It depends on the state- you would only make an extra grand more with a master's degree, which isn't a lot. In fact my state prefers those with Bachelor degrees because they are cheaper to hire and MANY schools have a limited budget where cuts are frequent.

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What he's saying is your relationship with you friend is hurting him. You plan to continue that? Wether you or your bf realize it or not, this is affecting your bf's feelings towards you. How do you think he will feel towards someone who knowingly hurts him? Loved? Or like an option? He'll let you, but things are not going to end up the way you expect.

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This is an age old question that many moms from the dawn of time drill in our heads - marry a doctor, lawyer, architect, blah, blah. In reality, love is not enough to keep a marriage going.

 

If being able to achieve a specific lifestyle you are accustomed to, you should seek a specific type of man - but even though your boyfriend may have school loans, along with you, are you able to refinance the loans to have a small money payment, and does he has future earning potential - like in 5 years, he'll be making $300K. Don't forget, all interest on student loans is tax-deductible. Most PHD programs can be extensive. I would consider post-poning till after you complete your PHD program. Having a 15 month old myself - I barely can find time to shower regularly, and it's since November that I had time for a pedicure.

 

And you always keep in mind - despite anything, marry a good man who has integrity and doesn't gamble. Cuz while he may have a job making tons of money, he could get ill, or incapacitated from an accident.

 

I have several friends in the 7 figure bracket, and good-looking, one wind up with a gay husband, now divorced, and the other who's been completely silver spooned can't get any relationship going who aren't crazy. Then with the great recession, a handful of finance friends that had to get by with their families. So what goes up, can come down - and back again - focus on if he's a good guy with a similar education, masters and PhD works, similar outlook, finances, sex preferences, and spirituality. Money - while a necessity, can't trump things if the guy is a big o' insecure liar.

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i already gave you my heart, what you want to do with it is entirely up to you. just know that i love you and i will work as hard as i can to make sure you have a happy life."

 

That is all you need. A good man who loves you, and who you love back just as much.

 

My fiance and I have been through thick and thin financially, but we have NEVER seriously clashed over money. It's only money. A word about the student loans...they seem significantly bigger once your education is done. Really carefully consider taking out more loans. They only made our college years slightly easier. If I could go back and do it all without them, I would.

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i did a phd program without taking any loans. i was a research assistant, and i got fellowships, and my tuition was paid for and I got a stipend. i would recommend finding a PhD program that will offer you the same deal.

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