Am I Being Too Selfish or Materialistic??

[totobear]

First time posting here and in need of advices / sharing of experiences:

 

My parents didn't have a happy marriage, they are still together nonetheless and there are less fights/arguments since they are older now. But I didn't exactly have a pleasant childhood because they'd have yelling arguments very often and sometimes they'd get so bad that chairs were being thrown (seriously).

 

My mom always tells me to marry a very financially stable guy that can take care of me (the richer the better in her opinion). She said that she didn't marry my dad for money and she didn't think it was that important. But she later learned the hard way how bad life can get when the husband can't provide enough. My mom had to work a full time job all her life on top of taking care of the kids in order help support us. And many times the arguments she had with dad was about bills/mortgage and the lack of money.

 

Now, I have a boyfriend that I've been dating for a year and half now and he has been telling me that he wants a family with me. He's loyal, affectionate, kind and smart. We are both grad students right now. He will get a 100k salary with his profession once he graduates in 1 year. But he owes over 300k student loan (the interest is evil...he'd have to pay back over $3000 per month for the loan plus interest). I am pursuing a PhD track after I graduate and that means I will be in school with zero income for at least another 3-4 years.

 

I am 29 and he's 33. I honestly want to get married and have kids in 1 or 2 years. But it seems it will be very difficult considering he won't graduate for another year and he'd have to pay off loan/interest every month with his starting salary. And I don't want to give up my dream of PhD, so I'd have to rely on him to pay for a marriage / potential children. I wanted to get a PhD that allows me to teach part-time while I spend time taking care of the children, but this would seem impossible as I'd have to work full time in order to help support the family.

 

So here comes the selfish question "should I be with someone who makes more money to live the life that I want?" My mom wants me to look for someone who is more financially ready and have been working for a while to be able to provide for a family/children sooner. She said that in the long term, whatever love I have can be erroded when money becomes an issue.

 

My best friend has a crush on me for as long as I've known him. He's also a great guy and we connect mentally very well, even better than my boyfriend. But I just don't feel the chemistry / spark with him like I do with my boyfriend. The lack of physical attraction for my best friend is the reason why I choose to stay friends. He, however, never stopped telling me that he thinks I am the one he wants to be for the rest of his life and that he'd drop everything for me if I change my mind. And he does very well financially that he can provide for family/children without me ever have to work full-time. Now, I am really confused....or starting to contemplate if it'll be a better idea to pick my best friend instead as a potential life partner.

 

All the married women, can you please give input on how money has affected your marriage, if it has. I'd prefer it if you gave honest reflection on your own marriage and money issues. Please don't sugar coat anything for me. I know there are good and bad in marriage, money is not the end of marriage. But I also want to gain some insights into how I can prepare for it and assess what I am willing to do.

[mhowe]

You do not mention a word about "love" for your boyfriend. That says it all.

 

I don't think you should be worrying about your mom's advice. A marriage built on money is not the answer.

[pl3asehelp]

Does your bf know how your 'best friend' really feels about you?

[totobear]

I do love my boyfriend. If I don't, then it'd be an easy to break up with him and I wouldn't even come to this dilemma.

Yes my boyfriend knows about my best friend. I told him that my best friend is interested in me. My boyfriend is not enthusiastic if I hang out with him, but he also said that he doesn't mind. The only thing my boyfriend requested was to not hang out with him alone in a private room.

[Seraphim]

To me a marriage without love isn't worth the time. Money doesn't solve all your problems. I would say 99% of marriages sometimes have troubles with money. My parents did not have a happy marriage either but marriage is what you make of it. What matters is how you work to solve your problems. Ask rich people if they are happy all the time they will tell you no. Ask rich people if they don't have relationship problems they will tell you no.

 

What matters in a relationship is mutual respect and love, common interests and goals. More money is helpful but it's not the end and be-all and problem solver of everything.

[mhowe]

You also mention wanting to pursue a PHd track. Which means you haven't started it. And that would entail more debt --- who will be paying that off?

[pl3asehelp]

I do love my boyfriend. If I don't, then it'd be an easy to break up with him and I wouldn't even come to this dilemma.

Yes my boyfriend knows about my best friend. I told him that my best friend is interested in me. My boyfriend is not enthusiastic if I hang out with him, but he also said that he doesn't mind. The only thing my boyfriend requested was to not hang out with him alone in a private room.

 

Did you just tell your bf your 'friend' is interested in you or did you explain to him the extent? That your 'friend' says you're the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and he would drop everything to be with you. Quite a difference.

[itsallgrand]

But your mom said those things to you out of bitterness about her own life marriage and choices. Hardly the input to be taking seriously! lol.

 

My mom used to joke with me all the time (sometimes still does) about marrying for money. She married for love ,and worked hard. My dad worked hard too. However, she never became much more than a dependent until after my dad passed away. So she was saying those things out of experience of what it is to be alone and no means of providing for oneself. She had to learn to be self sufficient, after being not self sufficient (my father carried the bulk) most of her life.

 

The lesson to me? Don't marry for money. Don't marry for love. Marry if it is right for you. Love and money are both factors. And most importantly; don't factor in a man as a means of getting what you want. Provide for yourself first. Be able to provide for what you want on your own first. If you want school, find a way to provide yourself with school. If you want kids, save and work for kids.

 

I will be honest and say I think it is wrong to marry anyone with the mindset of how they can give you a route to being less than self providing. Why can't you be working now? If kids are important to you at this stage in the game, why haven't you been saving and working for it?And how are you going to live income free without a hand out for the next few years if you haven't figured that out for yourself first?

[totobear]

I would be paying off the PhD student loan...the life I want is to teach leisurely part-time (enough to pay off my student loan) while having lots of time to take care of my kids and watch them grow up.

[shes2smart]

So here comes the selfish question "should I be with someone who makes more money to live the life that I want?"

 

You have it a wee bit twisted. The question should be "How can I make the money necessary to provide myself the life I want?"

 

I've been married 11 years (as of next week). Most of that time I've been the primary income earner. I didn't marry until "later" - 38 - and was actually planning on being single for the rest of my life. Due to alimony & child support obligations to his ex wife, my husband has never been able to contribute a whole lot to our shared living expenses.

 

Money has only become an issue when I've allowed it to become an issue. From time to time, I do get tired of being the primary income earner and pretty much sole money manager. (He has no interest in things like "budgets" and "financial planning") And, because I am far from perfect, I can be prone to the occasional bout of "Woe is me...I have to take care of everything."

 

The truth of the matter is, though, I don't know that I could "let go" enough to let someone else do the money management for me. I've been doing it for myself & taking care of it myself for so long (like, my entire adult life....) that I simply wouldn't trust anyone to handle it without at least keeping an eye on things. Hard fact of life - No one....NO ONE will look out for your best interests like you will. Not your spouse, not your significant other, not your parents, not your friends, not your siblings, not your children. No one but you.

 

But the point I'm getting to in a roundabout way is this:

 

If you plan your future as if you will be your sole support, you never put yourself in a situation where you are dependent on someone else. Some women seem to have this fantasy that a husband is going to take care of them (financially, emotionally, etc) and frankly, they're setting themselves up to be bitterly disappointed at best and emotionally and financially devastated at worst.

 

I will never find myself in a situation where I end up staying with my husband (or any future partners if things change) because I'm dependent on them to maintain a certain lifestyle. I may be married (and reasonably happily so) but I am still fiercely independent and perfectly capable of maintaining a pleasant lifestyle on my own if circumstances required it.

 

Life brings a lot of changes over time....many of them changes you cannot predict. Just because someone is doing well financially now doesn't mean that will continue....and just because someone doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together now doesn't mean they'll be that way in a year or two down the road. What are you going to do if you run into some bad luck or bad decisions or poor planning or some catastrophic event that is completely out of your control and lose everything? What kind of spouse would you be if your husband's income suddenly evaporated?

 

What's more important than looking at a potential spouse's balance sheet is seeing if you have shared life & relationship goals. Two people who, say, both want to have kids will find a way to make it work if they're making $30k a year or $300k a year.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. However, depending on someone else to provide that for you is building on a foundation that can be very shaky.

[pl3asehelp]

I would be paying off the PhD student loan...the life I want is to teach leisurely part-time (enough to pay off my student loan) while having lots of time to take care of my kids and watch them grow up.

 

So in other words, you're looking for someone to be the sole breadwinner for you and the kids because any money you plan to make is just paying back your student loans.

[totobear]

You are right, maybe my mom has "brainwashed" me with her own opinion. But I have always had the idea that man should be the provider in a household. That doesn't mean I should just sit at home doing manicures and watching TV while my husband is working hard. I think the perfect balance is for me to work part-time.

I am not a gold digger looking for a billionaire husband nor am I absolutely dependent. I just want to be the mom that spends a lot of time with her kids and the wife that makes food when the husband comes home all tired....I enjoy taking care of people

[Seraphim]

These days mostly both partners work. They have to in order to keep their head above water. The days of women being at home with their kids is over for most women.

[Seraphim]

You are right, maybe my mom has "brainwashed" me with her own opinion. But I have always had the idea that man should be the provider in a household. That doesn't mean I should just sit at home doing manicures and watching TV while my husband is working hard. I think the perfect balance is for me to work part-time.

I am not a gold digger looking for a billionaire husband nor am I absolutely dependent. I just want to be the mom that spends a lot of time with her kids and the wife that makes food when the husband comes home all tired....I enjoy taking care of people

 

Well, I would get rid of the idea that the man is the big provider and the woman stays at home and does all that kind of stuff those days are long over for most people.

[Seraphim]

And if you want to be a stay-at-home mom that includes a lot of sacrifice in many areas.

[Blue_Skirt]

I am so glad that my Mom always told me to be financially independent!

[totobear]

Well, I can afford to pay off my student loan quicker or slower depending on which loan repayment plan I utilize. I was planning to pay back my loans on the 25 years term, but obviously that would incur more interest and I'd have to pay a lot more money at the ned. But with this plan, I'd be able to pay my loan every month while having some extra left over for grocery perhaps.

 

Do I prefer my husband to be a breadwinner? Yes I'd prefer that. But that doesn't mean that its mandatory. I want to contribute to income as well, but I'd rather it not become a thing where if I don't contribute then my children will starve.

[mhowe]

Since this is all hypothetical, in that your current bf has 4 years to go --- and you have 4 years to get through Phd...I wouldn't worry too much.

[itsallgrand]

You are right, maybe my mom has "brainwashed" me with her own opinion. But I have always had the idea that man should be the provider in a household. That doesn't mean I should just sit at home doing manicures and watching TV while my husband is working hard. I think the perfect balance is for me to work part-time.

I am not a gold digger looking for a billionaire husband nor am I absolutely dependent. I just want to be the mom that spends a lot of time with her kids and the wife that makes food when the husband comes home all tired....I enjoy taking care of people

 

I'm just saying, think of it realistically.

 

Sure, it's a nice thought to not have to work much just at your leisure AND have the kids AND have a nice comfortable place to live, good food, all the niceties of life AND be getting to go for a PHD at the same time.

 

But how are you gonna pay for it? Not someone else, how are YOU ?

 

Everything has its risks, costs, and at the end of the day...you are still responsible for you and what you give/ take out of the world. You can't erase that, even if you do find a man who is willing to provide for you. And those guys usually come with a cost too, when women do find them, because it's not the norm these days. Case in point: say you get with your bf and he is wiling to do these things. You admit he isn't the guy you love - so you would be willing to give that up in order for security?

 

And then even if you do get the security and pay off for a while, take the case of my mom (which is only one case, many scenarios can happen). My dad happened to be loyal and a huge family man, who did provide and provided quite well while he was alive. When he passed, and it was sudden and couldn't have been seen that it was coming, the money and responsibilities on my moms shoulders were profound. Money got eaten up quickly, she wasn't used to balancing out the realities of what things cost and what you have to do to get them, so we were poor for a good while.

 

Other providers may cheat, get a divorce, ....whatever.....at some point in life you will have to face being responsible for what comes in and what goes out.

 

My thinking has been its' better to learn it young than be an old lady or a woman with dependent kids facing that situation for the first time. Better to face hard reality while you have lots of choices.

[shes2smart]

You are right, maybe my mom has "brainwashed" me with her own opinion. But I have always had the idea that man should be the provider in a household. That doesn't mean I should just sit at home doing manicures and watching TV while my husband is working hard. I think the perfect balance is for me to work part-time.

I am not a gold digger looking for a billionaire husband nor am I absolutely dependent. I just want to be the mom that spends a lot of time with her kids and the wife that makes food when the husband comes home all tired....I enjoy taking care of people

 

One of my part-timers at work had a child and was a stay-at-home mom until the kid started pre-school. She was able to do that because she planned ahead -- she figured out how much money she might need to be a full time mom for 3 or 4 years, then she worked her butt off (commission sales position) and saved up the money to make it possible to do that. Yes, she's married...and yes, her husband makes a decent income. But she did what she had to do to make sure she could do what she wanted to do.

[Lester]

No sugarcoating… are you sure?

 

Okay,

Your bitter Mother made her own choices. Because of her misplaced priorities, poor planning, no attention to detail and fear she screwed-over her life.

Now she wants to screw yours over. (She’s already done a great job!)

 

Helpful hints:

- Tell boyfriend about your emotional cheating and cut him free.

- Dump dishonorable number two cheater. (Your money fears will seem laughable after you catch him with some new woman he admires.)

 

You, just like your Mother were born with a clean slate.

Wipe yours off and start over.

[shes2smart]

My thinking has been its' better to learn it young than be an old lady or a woman with dependent kids facing that situation for the first time. Better to face hard reality while you have lots of choices.

 

Amen to that.

 

It's weird but I was just talking about one of those "I got whacked upside the head with a reality 2x4" moments with a co-worker the other day.

 

I was 18....4 months away from starting college. I'd already been accepted at my first choice school. 4 months before I'm expecting to go off to that school, my parents sit me down and say, "We don't have the money to pay for you to go to college. Figure it out yourself."

 

It was a horrid, horrid thing to deal with at the time, but 31 years later, I gotta say it has been very beneficial in the long run to learn that life lesson early.

[totobear]

I apologize if I offend any women here, please don't attack me. I am not trying to imply by any means that women are inferior in nature or impose any derogatory opinions on how females should play their roles. My desire to take care of children and cook doesn't derive from the expectation of my husband, it is purely because I want to and I enjoy doing such things. All I wanted to do is get a PhD, teach part-time in the area that interests me, have plenty of time dedicated to making my husband and children happy without worrying about money so much that I'd feel guilty for spending an extra dollar.

[mhowe]

Amen to that.

 

It's weird but I was just talking about one of those "I got whacked upside the head with a reality 2x4" moments with a co-worker the other day.

 

I was 18....4 months away from starting college. I'd already been accepted at my first choice school. 4 months before I'm expecting to go off to that school, my parents sit me down and say, "We don't have the money to pay for you to go to college. Figure it out yourself."

 

It was a horrid, horrid thing to deal with at the time, but 31 years later, I gotta say it has been very beneficial in the long run to learn that life lesson early.

 

Yikes. Guess you grew up pretty quickly after that!

[itsallgrand]

Amen to that.

 

It's weird but I was just talking about one of those "I got whacked upside the head with a reality 2x4" moments with a co-worker the other day.

 

I was 18....4 months away from starting college. I'd already been accepted at my first choice school. 4 months before I'm expecting to go off to that school, my parents sit me down and say, "We don't have the money to pay for you to go to college. Figure it out yourself."

 

It was a horrid, horrid thing to deal with at the time, but 31 years later, I gotta say it has been very beneficial in the long run to learn that life lesson early.

 

Similar experience here...though I wasn't too surprised with the way things had been going.

 

"Had to use your college fund that dad set up so we could eat/have hydro." "But...I already got a scholarship!!"

 

I bawled. And I thought I was a mature kid.

 

Agreed though, it's been helpful. Never faced a die hard financial situation since moving out of home.