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HMR176

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I fell off the path and somehow lost sight on what truly was important in life.... bad decision after bad decision.... and all the while just have been carrying around bitterness and anger/hate... but only because of my own selfishness....

I was married to my bestfriend for 9 years with 2 kids and in 2010 i just called it quits and even moved out of state... divorced and gave him everything (the house, kids...)... i know i experienced alot of selfish behavior and instead of pushing to resolves things and talk them out (counsil or whatever) i just cheated and lied and gave up....... i moved back to state a few months later but still held such an anger (both of us did) and never really "talked" about the problems.... so for the last few years i managed to just keep screwing things up in my life and even married and had another baby with an old flame.... but not a good relationship and already filing divorce (waaay long story that doesnt really matter... drugs, lies, bad morals, bad person)... i think i have just been trying to fill a void of missing my 'family' (ex and kids) and avoiding it instead of 'dealing' with it. I wish so much to just have my family back and feel so bad for trashing it..... i am missing out on so much of their lives. I am not really sure where to start with the ex? How to even 'start' the conversation?? How to know if he really cares? i miss them all so much....

I am thinking of asking if the ex would be willing to rent me a room? do you think this would be a good thing? a good start? i am nervous to ask ....... (and yes, they have the extra rooms... shoot , my name is still on the loan even

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Um, no. It is in fact, a really bad idea. You have another child, you gave up custody of your first 2 with your first husband, and you are not divorced.

 

You need to get your head on straight. Though your name is on the loan/mortgage, I would guess you haven't contributed a dollar to the loan in many years.

And I would also guess that your ex husband had a lot to do, explaining to your kids why you left and what you were or were not doing.

 

So -- first try and have a conversation. Starting with "rent me a room" is too big a step.

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thanks so much for the words back mhowe..... yes. that is exactly what i have been trying to do is 'get my head on streight'....

oh, and sorry... was not very clear. my ex and i have joint custody of our 2 kids and i went out of state to stay with my parents... we both sat down with the kids to explain i needed to go to 'grandmas' to work for a while and sort things out (my job was telecommute and was gone only 2 months).

I have full legal and physical custody of the baby due to "soon to be ex's" domestic violence and drugs.... yeah, like i said.. bad choices (looking for love in all the wrong places).

Due to California being a community property state... the home i am currently in needs to be sold as 'division of assets '..... this is why i thought of the renting a room in the home of my kids had come about.....

you suggested to first 'have the conversation'..... any suggestions? like an invite to lunch or something? how do i even start it with out loosing it... i don't want to break down... i want to be able to talk and in person..... emails and texts are always easier because crying isnt an issue then....they cant see it.

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You need to wait some more time until you are at the point where you won't lose it. You have to be calm and rational. Do you have visitation w/ the kids?

 

You cannot have a conversation of this magnitude over text or email. So, see the kids. Be upbeat and in control. And when you feel like you can hear whatever he has to say without breaking down...ask him for a coffee.

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Yeah I agree it is a bad idea. Asking for anything at this point from him would be a bad idea.

 

Plus, you have a lot of sorting of your own to do. And that started before - I think it is a mistake to think getting back with your ex and being with your kids again will fix all that.

 

I personally think if you want to get on track you need to start with simply focusing on doing the right things. For yourself, and for your kids, and being a self sufficient individual who can be counted on. Don't worry and stay out of partnership relationship and/or sexual ones for a good while. Don't invest in what you are going to get out of it, invest in what you can give again. It will build you up and a foundation for having relationships with your kids.

 

Are you in therapy? Getting help for your emotional problems? That would be a good first step. That and looking into how you can support yourself and your kids full time.

 

They will come to you, slowly and trust can be built again, if you show you are focused on the right things. I don't think you are right now.

 

I think you should really talk to a professional. Like in women's services or something. You need to be focused on the kids. Get insight to how these goings down may be affecting them. What would be best for them. Above all, you really need to put the kids first. And some of that may be doing some things that are hard for you.

 

It's the time to eat humble pie and just be strong and listen. It will help you feel better about yourself too.

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Thank you so much for the advise...... i really appreciate the time it has taken for a complete stranger to give me the time of day and offer advice... it really helps.

yes, to answer the visitation and kds question.... i see them all the time and yes they stay... we only live like 10 miles away.... i just miss out on all the little things and when sports is in session... they stay mostly with their dad because it is in their town.

I like the key words of investing myself into something for what i can put in.. not what i can get out of it...... that was the "old" me and so true.... i want to do so much for them... the family and my baby now.. i want him raised with them.. guidance and support and i want to be able to help with everything the kids and their dad needs..... weather it be yard work or the shift to take the kids to practice.

I am actually currently seeking 'professional' talks.... had some from a therapist but they just stated the obvious (the dad and i went) and were not happy... i was always against church help.... but i think that is where i will seek guidance next.

Thank you again for the words.... keep em coming... really... it makes a difference.

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It is not your choice to raise the new child "with them". Yes, he is your child. But your ex husband has no obligation nor would I think desire, to take on another mans child.

 

You say you miss out on the little things, and I'm sorry about that. But it is a choice you made. And for every choice we make in life, there will be consequences.

All you can do now is stay as involved as possible. But you cannot focus on becoming one big happy family. It most likely is not in the cards.

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Yes mhowe. I do understand what you say.... and yes. i do realize it is my fault the situation is the way it is..... and yes...i have always stay 'engaged' into my childrens life... i will just continue to do so and start the next process by at least just having a sit down 'grown up ' talk between two very head strong and hard headed individuals..... first steps first....

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No one here can know what your ex is thinking or how he would react to anything. It seems to me you should be having an exploratory conversation with him. Tell him your regrets and ask him if there is any way a reconciliation might be possible, not necessarily immediately but after lots of talking, maybe counselling, and without any recriminations should it not be possible.

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I think moving back in with your kids as a "roomate" would be so ultra confusing for them and *their wellbeing* (all your kids combined) should be your main focus and the reason behind all of your decision making at this point. Since it could confuse them...especially if it didn't work out and since you'd be coming in the house as a 'guest' and not as a mother/wife (I mean, obviously you're their mother, but I hope you know what I mean), I would advise against it.

If you miss your husband I would speak to him privately about the possibility of reconciling (not infront of your kids) and see if he would be game for that. If he is, I STILL wouldn't advise moving in until you know you're going to reunite your family and raise all kids together as a team.

Just put them first in your decision making as you're aiming to make decisions for them and not out of selfishness or trying to redeem yourself.

Best wishes.

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thank you DN and savignon.... yes, true... i do need to just have a private sit down with the ex ... and see what is what.

and yes..... i really am trying to make good decisions for the kids sake..... we both care a great deal about them and have always done everything for them...... i think the 2 of us though need to see what 'our' deal is... maybe a little sit down together and if the ex is at all remorseful of the situation we left.... maybe even some couple therapy... but agreed with many... first steps first.... just need a talk with no interuptions (kids, pets, sports, etc) ..... like i said... we were best friends.. married for 9 years and shared and did everything togther..... its only been a little over 2 years apart.... we arent strangers... a talk should be something we need to do no matter what anyway

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One thing I imagine your ex would want to know (because I would) is: do you love him? Or is the security and comfort of family-life what you really miss?

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DN!! excellent question.... and great to get a 'guys' perspective.... its funny because when i left the relationship i was so hurt and angered and just felt 'hate' because one of two things... i was being selfish and couldnt get my way (like a little bratty kid) and the other because he never once asked me to not leave because he loved me??? He was never the outpouring lovey dovey emoitional person anyway.... big heart... just inside and so it hurt to not hear that ...... and of course then i gave him an ugly name (referring to him as 'stupid').... even thought still admitting he was so very smart... just me... speaking out of anger. I fell bad because that wasnt the right way to handle it and maybe i just should have not been so stubborn (cant help it.. im German and a capricorn).... and just expressed the love...instead of mean and nasty.

I know it is never to late to tell someone how you feel...... even if nothing is to come from it...

and i have security and comfort so i pretty sure that is not the key.... its nice... but that isnt the "thing". I have an excellent job for the past 20 years and make good money and able to support myself....... but i want to support them and take care of them...... even if its just to "be there" to listen after a crappy day.

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Well, first, it is somewhat skewed thinking to tell a partner you are dumping them and then get mad and hurt because they don't beg and plead for you to change your mind. You might want to reflect on that.

 

Secondly, I didn't mean the security and comfort that comes from money but from being a member of a mutually supportive family living together, interacting together, doing things together. The security comes from knowing that there are people who care for you and will look after you when you need it, the comfort of coming home to family and all that means. That is not necessarily the same thing, or at least is only part of, loving a partner for who they are as a person and wanting them emotionally and sexually.

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sorry for not being clear.... i was not wanting a beg or pled... i was looking for the "i love you'.... yeah.... i know... just words sometimes... and it really matters withwhat you have to back it up with... i get that now.. i just didnt get it then. ..... i know... dumb.

 

and sorry for the misunderstanding on the security/comfort subject.... but yes.. i do miss all of the family comforts.... thats obvious... but that is only part of it..... we loved each other ... so thats what made those things 'comforts'..... and i miss the pastionate emotion we had has a couple.... communication with us was awesome.... i miss that in him....

I am sure he is mad at me and proablly why we dont 'talk'...... or hadnt been talking... i get that.

i know i am definatly guilty of the 'grass is greener on the other side' hope..... and that was a mistake. i admit my wrong doings and i just need to admit them to him.

Problem i have is that i felt so intensly and so strongly in that marrage that i have a hard time trying to talk to him without crying.... stupid girl stuff. I really try to keep calm and rational.... i can do it all day long with everyone.... but when it comes to him.... i just break down.

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thanks DN... i just need to be open and honest..... it cant be any worse, right? i do appreciate the talk through.... it was really helpful...

last time i asked my sisters advise i ended up with this divorce!! ugh! i am sure everything happens for a reason... i always try to think that at least....... even if the 'reason' is my stupidity

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