I've lost him forever

[Loz333]

So mine is a long story. Complicated too. Like many others on here I suppose!

 

Here's the back story:

 

I met this wonderful guy 4 years ago. We met online on a stupid facebook app where people rate each other's photos and chat. As you can imagine it was mostly complete sleaze bags on there so I wasn't using it seriously. It was just something to do when I was bored or lonely. Anyway, I met this guy on there, and we got to chatting. He added me as a friend and I thought what the heck he seems really nice. He's from England and I'm Australian by the way.

 

So anyway, I had already booked an adventure to travel to Europe, some weeks before I struck up a friendship with this guy. As we continued to communicate everyday, he suggested he might meet me in Paris. The first stop on my big trip. So we met up in Paris for the first time face to face. Sounds very storybook romance I know. But it wasn't like that. It was lovely, but it wasn't all fireworks and cliches. We had a great time getting to know each other with beautiful Paris as our guide. He was just as fantastic as I thought he was via email. And after 4 days, we parted as he went back to England, and I carried on through Europe. He was going to try to meet me somewhere else along the line before my 5 week trip was up.

 

After about a week, and a couple of cities later, I arrived in Berlin. I hadn't made any real connections with fellow travellers yet so I thought I would join the crowd on an organised pub crawl (even though I had told myself that I had no time for hangovers on this trip!). The pub crawl was great. Too great as it turned out. The combination of endless walking and sightseeing for days on end, and quite a bit to drink, and boom! My legs went out from under me. I can still remember the sound of the grating that I felt inside my knee. I was picked up off the floor by one of my new friends and asked if I was okay. I knew I wasn't. I couldn't stand on that leg.

 

The next day I had no hangover whatsoever. What I did have was a knee that was triple in size! Some of my new friends escorted me to the hospital. I was given crutches and told that I had to cease travel as I may have a serious knee injury. You can't even imagine the heartbreak I felt. This was the trip of a lifetime. Something I had wanted for so long and had so many set backs to get there. I had told Mr England what had happened and when I discovered that I had to stop my travels, he immediately offered to fly me over the England to rest and recover at his house. So I did and I ended up spending 7 weeks with him. I met all his family and some friends. And we had a lovely time getting to know each other. He held me during the night when I woke up in tears about my trip. He was just so lovely to me. I think I had trouble believing and trusting how lovely he was!

 

It wasn't all roses in those 7 weeks if I'm honest. I think the intensity of the situation created problems at times. I wanted some kind of sign that this wasn't just a temporary thing. That we could potentially see each other as more. I remember on one occasion being in tears because he was adamant that he couldn't invest in such an outcome. Yet he was still happy to be with me on a level that would show otherwise. It was very confusing. He told me that having me there was the best thing ever and that he couldn't imagine being without me. Yet if someone said I was his girlfriend, he was so quick to correct them and say that I wasn't. And then one day he says to me 'so are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?' and I just shrugged. It wasn't nice of me I know. But as much as I wanted to be his girlfriend, I was too hurt and confused by the back and forth. I now realise I was probably just expecting too much too soon. But anyway, there was a clear push/pull pattern way back then.

 

Eventually it was time for me to return home to Australia. But before that I spent around 2.5 weeks in Italy. He accompanied me in Venice and Rome and we visited his Italian relatives in Umbria. I told him I loved him one night in Rome. And he said it back with the biggest, sweetest smile on his face. It was the best moment of my life and I will never forget it. When he had to go back to England for work I had 2 nights left in Rome on my own. I felt so empty when we parted. Not knowing when we'd get the chance to see each other again.

 

So I went back to Australia and we continued our relationship via that great distance. He said he was going to visit. But then seemed to back out sometimes. Again there was a push/pull happening and combined with the normal LDR issues it didn't do much for trust and intimacy. Eventually one day while we were Skyping he sent me an email with his flight details. He was really coming to see me! I was excited but I think I was also a little worn out by it all. So anyway he arrives, it's almost 4 months since were in Italy together. It was great to see him. I was happy but overwhelmed that someone had come all this way for me. He met some of my family and friends and then we went on a road trip to see my relatives and some of his too. We had a great time but all the while I felt something was off. Not long after he had arrived I had convinced myself of something... that he had fathered a child with someone and not told me. I turned out to be wrong, but the evidence I had in front of me combined with not really knowing yet if I could trust this person, made it impossible for me to get past at the time. And eventually, to my devastation, I felt my feelings for him dry up. I still loved him. I just couldn't feel it and it hurt more than I can describe.

 

So he went home after the couple of weeks was up, but we still continued to talk. It wasn't easy. It very nearly ended. But I was determined to make a go of things. I still loved him. And he still loved me. And after about 7 months, I finally got a work visa and some funds together and flew over to England. To see him again at the airport was indescribable. I hadn't slept a wink on the long flight. I was just too excited. As we drove back to his house I felt so at home again. So content and excited to be by his side. It was lovely.

 

The months that followed were full of so many ups and downs. We get along so well and share so much. We are both soft-hearted and interested in the same things in life. We feel like soul mates on so many levels. But we had our differences too. He wanted me to be fully committed to him at all costs. Live with him, live his life, work any ****ty job, and basically not follow any dreams of mine that were separate to him. I resented him for that and became very depressed. I had always thought if you love someone you don't hold them back from things that are important to them. But he told me that was wrong to think like that.

 

Yet he was still absolutely wonderful to me in so many ways. I have severe chronic pain and fatigue issues and he was always so considerate and supportive of me. He looked after me so well. Always thinking of ways to make me happy. And I loved looking after him too. It made me so happy to make him happy. We had amazing adventures together but enjoyed the simple things just as much maybe even more. He's such a sweet creature... anyway... I'm getting distracted!

 

I had built up resentment and distrust towards him rightly or wrongly (probably both), and it eventually lead to us breaking up. This was after living with him for a year. And we still continued to live together despite the situation. We even went on holiday together. Back to Paris no less. It had been booked before we broke up and we went only a fortnight later. He tried to reconcile with me while we were there, but it was too soon for me and I couldn't trust that it wasn't just because of the charms of Paris! We still had a fun adventure as we were still great companions. But I know it wasn't what it should have been.

 

About a month later I got a job on the Isle of Wight on a summer camp. Something I had always wanted to do (you know, the working abroad, rite of passage type job). I was in two minds about going though. He drove me to the train and the entire journey I kept saying that I wanted to turn around. Even as I was buying my ticket I didn't want to put the money in the machine. But eventually I went through with it. Well it's no surprise that as soon as I got there I knew it wasn't right. I had chased a dream that I think in reality had died a long time along. I was a different person and I discovered that it wasn't what I wanted any more.

 

I told Mr England that I had made a mistake and asked if I could come home. He wanted me to at least try to like it there but I just couldn't. For a start my health would not have allowed me to do the work load required and live under the appalling staff conditions. So I lied my way out of the contract and got out of that place as soon as I could. Upon returning home to him we carried on as before, not 'together' but still doing everything together. Still enjoying each other. We fought too. It was mostly me in tears and him yelling at me that he loves me, whilst telling me how selfish I was, and demanding I tell him I love him back. How could I under such pressure? I still loved him of course. But I think we had too much time being together intensely and I couldn't see straight any more. I was missing home. I was missing having a life of my own. And I still resented him for certain things. I couldn't see things clearly due to always being in pain, exhausted and frustrated by my own problems.

 

The last little while we had together in England was special to me. I was still really depressed. But things started to become a lot clearer. I saw how I had played a part in things. I saw how I had taken him for granted. I saw his hurt and frustration. I was still hurt by him. But I somehow felt more at ease and content. I had such hope that all the bad stuff could just melt away if we gave it a chance. It came to November (15 months of living with him) and we were both flying back to Australia for a visit. Originally it was meant to be a temporary visit for me, to attend my best friend's wedding and check in with my loved ones. But I was in debt, and things were uncertain with the relationship, so I wasn't sure if I would be getting back on that plane with him.

 

We spent some time apart while he was here. He went off and did his thing with friends of his that were in the country also. I was in another state with my family. I wasn't sure if he would come to my friends wedding as planned. And I was freaking out about it to be quite honest! He eventually did return to me and I was so happy to see him. But I was unsure of what he wanted. He told me that he still hoped that things would work between us, but that he thought that perhaps this should be a goodbye visit. I was devastated but I still tried to show him what I wanted. I had to try. I had to put up with the pain. I'm sure he had his fair share from me. So we enjoyed a week or so together amongst my family and friends, and had some lovely day trips with just the two of us. I showed him that I wanted to be with him. He was mostly distant with me right up until I was putting him on the train to the airport. A matter of minutes until he leaves and then he tells me to come back with him. Then he tells me! I had no money, debt, and very little job prospects in England with only 6 months left on my visa. And we hadn't discussed how things would need to change for us to be together again. How could I just go straight back into all that? I wanted to... but I needed some time to get myself together. To get some perspective. To sort out the practical things like money!

 

So off he went. A short time passed and we were both stunned that we hadn't been in each other's company. Time continued on yet we still kept in touch everyday. He would get distant and want to cut contact. Saying it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, but because he did want to be with me and it was too hard. I was trying to focus on getting well, paying off debts (to him as well), and just generally making myself into a better person so I could have a better relationship. Time carried on. He still clearly missed me and told me to come back to him. I still had no money and I had tried to get a job back in England without success. He refused to come here. Said it was all up to me to go there because he had already given up too much of his life for me to risk any more. I hated him for that and it didn't help heal my resentment towards him. Time carried on. I began healing myself and realising that I was still missing him everyday, still wanting it to work and imagining how we could be happy together. But I largely kept it to myself. I was too afraid. So I just carried on working it all out in my own head. I also realised how much of my resentment was ill founded. And how much my vision had been clouded by my own struggles. How much I let myself get in the way of things. How I had been selfish. It was a relief to come to these realisations. I felt free to truly love him again. But I was still unsure of how to tell him these things. How to make him see that I had changed. I would have got on a plane but I still didn't have the funds.

 

So we carried on. We still talked most every day. He still gave me signs that he missed me. And very recently he said he still couldn't see anyone but me as a better companion for him in life. That particular conversation ended up in a fight though. So easily done when typing to each other over facebook! And he began to say that he had just realised he had been deluded. That he had been hoping all this time that we could be together, and that apart from the obvious distance issues that he thought everything else that was wrong was due to my ill health. He said that he thought that everything would be resolved if I could just be well or better within myself. But he concluded (of his own accord) in this conversation that that wasn't going to be the case. And that he was now left with no hope. Those words burned my heart. I told him I felt sick and tried to video call him. He didn't answer as he said his sister was home. He finally did Skype with me when she left. Despite the pain and the tears I was so happy to see his face. The conversation got a little lighter. I understood something I was never able to grasp before. When I was living with him he would often say that I didn't know what I was thinking or doing or wanting because I was depressed etc. But the way he had worded it previously lead me to believe that he thought my opinions were not at all valid. And I had taken such offence at that in the past. But this time I understood what he meant and it was so beautifully clear. He simply meant that my general outlook was negatively affected which was true. Funny how he never worded it properly before. And perhaps it was me and my foggy mindset misunderstanding him too. He poured his heart out and said how he tried to be everything for me. I saw his heart right there. I told him he was lovely but so often he had hurt the **** out of me. He took the compliment though and I saw such a gorgeous sparkle in his face. I love that face so much. So we kept chit chatting on Skype for a little while. I was still reeling from too many emotions but the conversation got lighter. He wanted to know when I might be able to visit. We talked about what I might do there. He light heartedly suggested I come and be his maid! And he asked what I had imagined for us (as I had told him earlier that my imagination about us would amaze him). I couldn't go into it then because I was still very raw from what he had said about losing hope for us. He then started talking to me in a slightly sexual way. You know... alluding to being close with me like that again. Missing me and such. We ended the call soon after.

 

The days that followed were back to lighthearted communication again. And then something happened. He had a party at his house. A party for the sake of getting very drunk. He told me he had a strange night because two girls were after him. Two friends. He thought it was a game. He isn't used to a lot of female attention. I was terrified and devastated. I knew I had no chance to compete with that. He said to me the next day 'why is my life so complicated? two girls who are friends are interested in me. And then I have you all the way over there'. He said nothing happened with them.

 

But then he had another party the next weekend for his friend that is going away(the girls are friends of this guy so they would be there too). And I knew in my heart that something would happen. He stopped talking to me so much. It was like i had to force anything out of him. I felt so awful. He didn't tell me what happened until I asked him. He said it was messy because they both liked him and someone gave one of them the idea that he liked her. But that he actually wanted the other one! My heart broke into pieces. I told him so. He said 'sorry but it's time'. I told him that I wanted to be with him. That I had told him that before. And I poured my heart out (without being desperate. if that's possible!). It was no good. He said he wasn't sure if anything would happen with this girl. That he only just met her. But that he had to give it a chance. And then I said some more. He didn't reply until much later and said that he didn't know what to say and to take care. I said I wasn't sure he'd reply at all. And I said 'why did you say that you didn't see anyone in your life but me only days ago?!' He said because it's true but he couldn't wait any longer. And I carried on telling him what I really wanted with him and how I saw things could be. How we would make it better. And he said 'it's not that I don't want those things, or feel completely differently, but I have to move on'. I said I understand. I'm not naive. I know we've been apart for a long time. Then conversation then got lighter. Even somewhat vaguely sexual. From his side too. And then there was nothing much more. I heard nothing for almost a week. Then I sent him 'Thinking of you x' on Father's day because he lost his dad a few years back. He replied saying 'thanks I guess you know it was father's day'. I said yeah. And then he followed with 'I should say I have a girlfriend now'. My heart broke again. I told him simply how I was sorry for my part in things. I thanked him for his part in things and told him to take care and I will love him always. That was it. I emailed him later with something personal to us that I just had to tell him. I just wanted him to know. I didn't get anything back from him and kind of don't want to.

 

Yesterday was his birthday. And I go on facebook to see a picture of this girl with his name attached to her as 'in a relationship'. Dated from the 14th of June. He had been 'official' with her for 5 days and then he puts it on facebook? Tacky if you ask me. Attention seeking too. And he facebook status read how he had the best birthday present of being able to change his relationship status as in a relationship with her. And then came all the glory of people congratulating him. Countless messages. You would think he'd climbed Mt Everest or something. And little old me is just forgotten in the corner. Nothing from his family or friends who I saw as my own. They have no thought for me now.

 

Sorry for the long winded story. Just had to get it out. I am heartbroken. I have lost my best friend, my lover and my hero. He truly was the most darling man I have ever known.

 

Thanks for reading

[DN]

I am sorry this happened but I think it was inevitable. You seemed so conflicted so often as to whether you wanted to be with him or not that eventually he stopped believing that you would. It's very difficult to uproot from one country to another to be with someone you love (I know for I have done it) but at some point you have to make that commitment to go or to stay home.

[Loz333]

I didn't want to stay home. I would have gone there in an instant if I had the means to. It's very unfortunate in that way. Meanwhile he was happily risking tens of thousands on the stock market. and losing. but oh no. it was all up to me to overcome huge obstacles to go there

[caitlin1991]

I just read your thread and I literally cried. I am sorry for what you've been through. I can't say that I have been through what you have exactly, but I do know how it feels to be completely heartbroken. To have lost something so dear to you. All I can say is that it DOES get better. In the end it will all be okay. You just have to surround yourself with your family and your friends. They are the ones that really matter. They will remind you of what you are worth. And you are worth and deserve so much more.

 

Please take care and remember that you are worth so much more. And you WILL find love again.

[sara-pezzini]

i think it was inevitable, you two would not have been happy in the end, you rensented him on quite a few occasions, and if in the early stages of an LDR you resent the other person, that resentment only builds and builds....i think you were not really compatible in the end, quite a lot of drama early on, and it is hard to survive all that...

he didn't really seem to want to make the effort and you resented him for it, if it is true love, both of you will do what it takes, not just one of the two....

[Loz333]

Thank you. Despite our ups and downs he really meant everything to me. more and more as time went on and I learned more about him and more about me. I can't help but feel sad about that. I adored him. sadly all I am left with is 'if onlys'. if only I'd learnt to accept my health issues sooner. That's the biggest one. I was always fighting the pain. it's a natural response. and I was always fighting to regain a life I had lost due to ill health. to no avail. and I ended up losing so much more. the things that truly mattered .

[Loz333]

And I have to disagree. I know we would have been happy in the end.

[sara-pezzini]

And I have to disagree. I know we would have been happy in the end.

 

well you are not with him so that is your answer....

[SapphireNoir10]

With all due respect there just sounds like there were TOO many ups and downs and ifs and buts and maybes and drama...and eventually it wore him down and he moved on.

 

I don't think he was the one for you. It does get easier.

 

Also for your own dignity, no more emailing or contacting him, go contact and let him move on.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Loz333]

Well thanks for the replies but I am the one who was in the relationship and I am the one who knows him and what really went on. I may have written a lot here but you can't know everything from what I wrote. it's just too personal and there aren't the words to describe it. I'm not stupid. I know there was drama. and I worked out why. only it was too late. fair enough. but that doesn't mean we wouldn't gave been happy together. no one has any right to presume that.

[SapphireNoir10]

I didn't say you wouldn't be happy together. You showed in the relationship you were happy together at times. I said that you weren't right for eachother. If you were right for eachother you'd be together and nothing would keep you apart. That's the reality.

 

People are giving good advice and trying to be helpful. There is not point getting annoyed at people.

 

We are looking from the outside in. We can't tell you 'Yes you should be together and he will dump his girlfriend and get back with you' because that is not the reality at the moment.

 

I'm sorry your feeling hurt. Are you going no contact?

[Loz333]

I think we were right for each other but the timing was wrong. He said I was perfect for him. Even not so long ago. In reality it was just days ago. We had hurt each other a lot yes. doesn't mean that at the end of the day we didn't come together and love each other dearly. We were both struggling with issues and insecurities which weren't helped by our situation.

And no I can't speak to him right now. He is way too distracted by his *****. I'm sorry but I can't be happy for him right now. And he barely just met her so I can't help but wonder whether it is genuine. He's obviously being lead by his other brain. I think she is much younger than him too. It's not really of any matter though I know. I'm just hurting like hell and can't understand. Not entirely. It's not easy to comprehend losing the most important person in my life. I keep waking up feeling sick and can't get back to sleep. And I already have sleep problems as it is! And I haven't been able to eat much for days. I've lost a bit of weight because of it.

[SapphireNoir10]

It happens in a lot of relationships. People don't mean to hurt eachother but they do. And sometimes theres TOO much water under the bridge to make a fresh start or go of things with that person.

 

It could well have been right people, wrong time. I'm sorry...I really do know how much it hurts.

 

No one expects you to be happy for them. One good thing is the worst part of a break up for me has always been when they find someone new. So in a way at least the 'worst' scenario has happened and you can try and heal now.

[Loz333]

And I didn't mean to be annoyed. I am aware of the current realities. I'm just feeling extremely raw. Raw, anxious, devastated, betrayed. I don't blame him in one way, but it doesn't bring me much comfort. And I think he is going about it very badly. He would know that this would kill me. If he doesn't he's a fool.

[lavenderdove]

OK, one thing i noticed here is that all your 'high' moments with him you are describing vacations and trips to romantic places etc. EVERYONE loves vacations and have great memories of them and see them as high points.

 

But when you actually lived together for a year, you couldn't make it work and actually broke up with him when living together. So when you were having high 'fun' vacation times you think he's great, but when you're settled down in 'normal' life with him things fall apart and you start to bicker and have trouble.

 

So you are kind of confused here because you see him as 'perfect' for you, and are placing a lot of emphasis on fun vacation times with him as if those are justifications for why you are perfect for each other. Everyone is excited/happy/high on vacation, then real life ensues. So i think the two of you were good at romantic fantasy times, but no so much in the 'real' world of normal life where things kept falling apart for you when you spent any length of time together and tried to resolve normal life problems and just couldn't.

 

So he may have realized that just wasn't working in his 'normal' life and hence bailed no the relationship. I think sadly LDRs do have a shelf life where if you don't get together and live in the same place at certain critical points, they fizzle out. You had your year with him then chose to walk away from him. So he had no real confidence that you two could make it in real life together (because you didn't and broke up with him), so he chose real life rather than continuing to pursue someone he only seemed to really click with when they were on vacation time.

 

So you do need to grieve this and let this go, and remember that you both had MANY chances over 4 years to pull it together and turn it serious, and you didn't take those chances and instead hemmed and hawed and dawdled about. It is like expecting the opportunity to but a particular house to stay open on the market forever until you've decided you really want it and it's the right time to buy it. Life just doesn't work that way. all opportunities don't stay open forever, and you need to strike while the iron is hot.

 

So the iron went cold here, and you may have had a chance a long time back, but over time, you just never firmed up your commitment to him and he decided to 'sell' to someone else rather than leaving your options open foreever or until you decided to move to be with him. I know that is sad and am sorry about that, but i think it is a powerful life lesson here for you, that time doesn't stop and options don't stay open forever just becuase you want them to...

 

And I agree with the other poster who said that you two probably weren't right for each other or you would have made it work that year you lived together, and you would have stayed together then rather than breaking up. You seem to really only want this relationship when you DON'T have him or aren't with him, and that is a prime sign that it didn't work, and wouldn't work if you tried to turn it into a permanent situation.

[SapphireNoir10]

And I didn't mean to be annoyed. I am aware of the current realities. I'm just feeling extremely raw. Raw, anxious, devastated, betrayed. I don't blame him in one way, but it doesn't bring me much comfort. And I think he is going about it very badly. He would know that this would kill me. If he doesn't he's a fool.

 

I really do know how that feels. But remember you both contributed to the end of you two. Not just you. It takes two to make it work and two to make it not work. I'm sorry.

 

Don't put all the blame on you or beat yourself up over it. What's done is done. It does get easier.

[Loz333]

I don't agree with 90 percent of what you just said sorry.

 

I was happiest with him in the everyday. Holidays are fun yes. But I was just as happy to take care of him and be in his company in the everyday. With his family and friends. In his home. Doing simple things together like gardening and cooking and taking care of one another. Sorry but I'm not really one for the highs of holidays. I love them, but I don't get carried away with them in respect to relationships. Both times we went to Paris, it was great, and even not so great. But the holidays weren't a story book romance like you have surmised and I'm sorry but I take offence at that.

[Loz333]

And I know he couldn't wait forever. I tried my hardest given my circumstances to get back to him. I worked back at my old job which I hate (I'm still there now). I tried to get work back in England (I came very close to getting a nannying job but it fell through as I was just about to book the flights). When my UK visa expired, I just had to keep doing my best here to pay off my debts so I could save again. All whilst dealing with severe chronic pain and having to pay for treatment for that also. In my heart I knew that if we didn't see each other then he couldn't wait forever. And it was only just too late so it would seem. I am getting well. And my finances are finally becoming stable.

I never looked at another man the whole time I've known him. Let alone in the time we've been apart. I wasn't interested in anything else.

I am hurt. And that is because I have lost something. Something that in spite of everything, was still so very important to me. If only you knew him. He was something else. My family loved him too. They are sad that it has come to this.

[SapphireNoir10]

It's just one of those sad things. Sadly the timing and stuff never fell into place for you two. Seems like a run of bad luck. I am sorry. I know it hurts.

[Loz333]

Yep it hurts like hell. I've lost such a deep friendship, my lover and my truest support. He's got the softest heart. That's what attracted me to him. What I fell for. We know each other like no one else does. He knew me better than I knew my self in so many ways. As cliche as that sounds, it was true. And I love him for it.

[CatsMeeoow]

I've been there... I know the hurt and replaying in your head of the words that he said to you... the words you cling to... what you have lost... friend, lover, etc.

 

I also know that what LavenderDove speaks of is very true.

 

You are grieving the loss of your relationship... denial, blame, anger... they will all follow in suit. I'm really sorry but if you've had a run for 4yrs and you were still struggling with ups and downs he just chose to move on. You are clinging to the hope that he truly meant when he said he only saw himself with you. I know he meant it at the time but if you two of you couldn't find a way to pave a stronger more committed relationship he probably started to feel different. I know you are hurting at his loss but I think the advice you are getting are from those of us who have walked through that very pain you are right now. We have the clarity which you are currently struggling with because you only see how perfect you were for each other at this moment. We have had our bouts of denial as well.

 

Who knows what the future holds for anyone but I think you need to let this guy go. For now. I think by putting something out there on facebook he wants you to know that he wants to move on.

 

The funny thing about relationships is this ----- it doesn't matter how perfect YOU think you are for each other.... if he does not or no longer feels the same there is NO relationship. I've been in plenty of wonderful relationships where I thought this guy and I are so perfect for each other only to find out that he wasn't even close to feeling that way toward me... and I'm sure there are guys out there who felt that way about me that I completely failed to ever take note of. Right now this guy and you are not on the same page when it comes to a relationship regardless of what he may have stated to you a few days ago. Don't cling to words he uttered to you... Look at his actions and that will tell you where his heart truly is at the moment.

 

And again I am so sorry for your heartache. I've felt it too... miserable... clutching at straws... would give anything to go back. Thankfully none of that panned out for me. I eventually made the choice to move on and by so doing met lots of great guys and went on to marry one of them.

 

HUGS!

[DN]

One of the problems (the many problems) with Facebook is that people think that their partners or ex-partners are using it solely to communicate exclusively with them and therefore everything posted is meant for them.

 

But most people use Facebook as it was intended, as a way of keeping up to date with their friends and relatives and informing them, all of them, what is going on in their lives. So when a relationship ends and they post about a new boyfriend or girlfriend, it isn't a way of sending a message to their ex, or trying to hurt them, annoy them, or get them back - it's just continuing to use it in the same way.

 

Obviously there will be exceptions to this, but the problem is that too many people will think they are one of the exceptions and not one of the vast majority. They will say "I know my ex and I know that is what s/he is doing" but the chances are, the ex isn't thinking about them at all when they post, they are thinking about their new relationship, or other new things in their lives.

 

It is hard to let an ex go when you still love them, and one of the hardest things is to accept you are no longer the first person in your ex's life, in their thoughts and at the top of their priority list. And so the temptation is to assume almost anything they do is somehow connected to you or the relationship. Facebook postings are the most usual these days, but also "s/he is moving hundreds of miles away, I know that is a way to try to forget about me"; or "s/he is getting married today, I know s/he is only doing that to hurt me, he/she doesn't really love that @&**$!"

[iam42]

it sounds as if he lost hope that you two would ever get it together and work out, simply. he is TRYING to move on. no one here can say where his heart is, or that he doesn't love you still. nonetheless, it does seem do that a new, available, local girl who likes him (without so much inner or relationship conflict) has appeal right now. i don't think you should focus very much on their budding relationship. after all that you have been through, you are both likely emotionally exhausted. and i do think you owe it to him and to yourself to take a much needed break from the other. NC for now...

 

i am so sorry that you are hurting.

[Loz333]

Thanks all.

 

I know things weren't perfect. And I know I need to go through the process now. I know that his actions show he doesn't have a thought for me at all now. But of course it doesn't mean that I don't still love him.

 

And I just think the Facebook things he did were tacky. I do think it was insensitive. You don't need to put that stuff out there on Facebook at all, let alone after being 'together' for 5 days. Whatever that even means! he has only known this person for a couple of weeks, mostly on drunken occasions. I'm sorry but a big part of me wants to believe it will fail dismally. Because I simply think it's pathetic and not genuine (and I personally think she's a bit of a you know what!). But for now it's all smiles and countless people commenting how great it is that he finally found someone (what was I then?!!!). Seriously, the audience and enthusiasm he has received for his posts it's as if he's just gotten married to the girl. But he's just having his way with her and people are clapping and applauding. I just find it cheap and attention seeking to be honest. He has also opened up his long closed Facebook wall to receive messages on there too. Just so he could get as much feedback as possible. Or so it would seem!

[DN]

Well, not to be unnecessarily argumentative, but it is his Facebook and he shouldn't have to worry about what he posts there to avoid upsetting an ex. The onus is on you not to look at if is likely that what you see there will upset you.