If our exes only knew.....

[herewegoagain]

I was just thinking about how our exes who have dumped us will in most cases, never really know how much we could make them happy again, and how much we have grown, and how much we have learned from being dumped.

 

I found out that you cannot control how someone feels. Some people, including my ex, will never even think about coming back to us, but it is a shame they do not see our side of things. And it's a shame how they will never really get to see that we are good for them. I guess it is their loss.

 

If our exes only knew how much we still care for them, how much we want to hug them again, how much we want to hear their voice again, how much we would give up anything in the world just to have one more chance with them. Unfortunately, our exes, in most cases, will never allow us to show them all these things. Most of them have their minds made up, and will never give love a second chance. I believe that if they ever loved us in the first place, they will come back someday and contact you again. So maybe they never really loved us in the first place, especially when they can shut you off like a light switch.

 

Also, we here are amazed how our exes turn cold, move on to a new person, and act like we never existed in the first place. The biggest thing I have learned in the last few months, is that we cannot expect others (our exes) to do what is right, or to do what we think is fair, or to do what we think is God-like. For example, "Do onto others as you would have done onto you." My ex gf dumped me and was screwing some new guy within a few days. I've said many times to my friends, "how could someone do that, especially after being together for 4 1/2 years?" I would never do such a thing, because I think it is disrespectful and immoral, but again, she is not me. She makes her own decisions, as all of our exes do.

 

And what is really sad, that we would still take our ex back after they even did something like that. Do we have no pride? I admit, I was (maybe still am) one of those who would take back the ex even after all that. Why? Honestly, I do not really think we know why, and it probably is not a good reason to justify wanting them back. To forgive is one thing, but will we ever forget? - all the pain, mean remarks, cold heartedness, etc? Can we really and truly love them again and forever without a fear of them hurting us again? I think not!!! So again, why the heck do we still want them? Do we really want to live everyday wondering: Uh oh, is she/he going to dump me again? Is that a way to be in a realtionship? To always be walking on pins and needles, always being careful not to say the wrong thing, and doing things we do not really want to do because we are afraid that if we do not do it, they may get mad and break up again? Do we really want that? NO WE DO NOT!!! WE DESERVE BETTER!!!!

 

We all here come to this forum looking for ways to cope, to grow, and even to get our exes back. But I have learned that there is not much we can do to get someone back, so I guess we should worry about ourselves and try to move on.

 

I know it's easier said than done. I still miss my ex sometimes, and I just wish she would break up with her new man, and call me. I really do not think I would take her back, but having her call some day would boost my ego, I guess. But what good would that do? Who knows?

 

I hope that all of us here have learned how to do the right thing in the future. Not only when we have been dumped, but if/when we ever dump someone, to treat them with respect, and as another human being - not some piece of garbage that we throw out. I'm no religious freak or anything but I do believe that we should try to act like God would want us to. And if we look back at what our exes have done to us, it probably brought tears to God's eyes.

 

So to sum it up, do not expect others to do the right thing, move on and worry about yourself, and treat others the way you would want to be treated. We will be happy someday, but our exes will probably get a taste of their own medicine in due time.

 

To all - take care of YOU.

[hockeyboy]

Good post..sounds like you've learned a lot, thats the bright side of it all. You hurt, i know..but still wouldnt you rather be YOU with that hurt then someone who does not feel cause they have a smaller heart. Isnt it better to be the person who is vulnerable because at least your humanity is in tact. I believe true love is something we can find true happiness in. Some of these peoplw will never find it. NOt all, but some of the ex's, the way they treat others, the way they view things, they will never find true love. Those who know how to to find it are more vulnerable to get hurt cause we put ourselves out there...it sucks from time to time, but in the end im sure you'll be happy that you did and wont have any regrets.

 

remember...the best things never come quick and they never come easy.

[Marketa]

Look at it this way - people handle things differently and think differently and its their right. The one thing I see here an in my life is that when people feel its over they wait till they are sure so by then when they leave they are already over us and ready to move on to the next. We think we are just havinga rough patch and will get over it and they are already planning their lives without us so of course we wonder how could they so soon get on withtheir lives when in fact they have been for months with us we just didnt see it because love is blind.

[trishcollins]

The one thing I see here an in my life is that when people feel its over they wait till they are sure so by then when they leave they are already over us and ready to move on to the next.

 

This is so true. Most of us can look back at the months preceeding the breakup and actually "see" the indicators. In my case, it was harder, because although my gut was telling me something wasn't right, he kept saying "I love you, my family includes you and we will get through this". However, I have always trusted my gut -- it has never failed me before. And it was right once again. He had reached is tolerance for his daughter's behaviour, and unfortunately, I was the casuality. He would rather go into denial, then have to deal with her behaviour.

 

Anyway, all that to say that it's so true. It's like that for so many other things. We rarely do anything without a long thought process, like quitting a job or moving, so why would breakup up with someone be any different. The dumpers want to be sure we are doing the right thing, so by the time they actually get to the "breakup stage", they have already accepted it. The poor dumpees rarely see it coming, but if you look back, you can see the signs.

[savannahohsavannah]

You took the words right out of my mouth!

[hunni]

Well i agree totally dumpers are harsh, and i can admit that when i am one myself! I dumpt my guy for all d wrong reasons, and am now goin thru all the stuff that you described. The pain of missing someone you care for deeply. Do i have the right to feel this way? i dont really know, but the matter is i do. Now no matter how much i try not to, i keep on talking to my ex, and to be fair, pissing him off!!! I bet he just wishes that i would let him be and i should get on with my own life.

Since he wants to be friends, but has been a right bastard to me. Not a mate!! So am i horrible one who he shouldn't take back, even though i am basically begging him for forgiveness???

You have obviously learnt a lot from your experiences. I hope that some of your wisdom can help me???

[happythoughts]

I think it's important that you also see the ways in which the ex contributed to the break-up.

 

When you've been dumped all you can think about is what YOU did wrong - all the little things you may have said or done that pushed the ex to end the relationship. We feel desperate for a second chance.

 

It's only after quite a few months that you stop beating yourself up and actually see how they contributed to it too. If they had told you how they felt, you would have put things right rather than lose them. You know in your mind that if only they had told you, explained how serious things were....you would have put it right.

 

But the fact is they didn't tell you, they didn't give you a chance, when you broke up they may have given you stupid reasons or fobbed you off or said they were at the end of the road when it was a total shock to you. In this way THEY are also responsible for not telling you and not explaining things.

 

As a previous dumper, I know that I have looked back over time and realised that I have walked away and not given the other person a chance at all. And in some ways you do regret it, especially if when you see them they are doing so well!

 

I think it's important to realise that your ex isn't perfect, even though it feels like it.

[me4ta]

Just to keep all of you on your toes....I want to throw this to a table....

 

I've been dumped 4 months ago, some of you saw my posts and I don't want to go into detail, cause I tend to think of my self as 85% healed....thank goodness...

 

Anyways, what I wanted to comment on is that some people here, and on other posts say that Oh, I hope those guys get the taste of their medecine, oh they are not good people, they treated us badly, oh they will never find love because they are low for treating us like hell, and WE on the other hand should learn or learnt from this and if we are to break up with someone in the future will NEVER treat them like we were treated by our exes now....bla bla bla.

 

Well, I hate my ex, don't get me wrong, not because he dumped me....well, that a bit too but for what he'd done afterwards.....hooking up with his co-worker girl I knew right after dumping me....bla bla bla, all the things he'd done....don't wanna go into details.....

 

But I couldn't help but thinking, if you or I were in our exes' shoes....we are not perfect, none of us are.....what is the RIGHT thing to do that some of you are referring you....what respect are you talking about?

 

When it comes to breaking up with someone, there's no "right" thing that you can do....because if you go and sleep with someone right away, or just simply disappear and leave that person alone to heal, or stay single for a while, or what have you.....you will always be in the eyes of your dumpee - a wrong doer.....what do you think about that?

 

That's a catch 22, Ladies and Gentlemen....as a dumper, you can never be good guy for a dumpee...

 

Correct me if I'm wrong...

[trishcollins]

Me4ta,

 

You are right, no one is perfect, and just because you "dump" someone doesn't make you evil. If you don't love the person, it's best to be done with it. It's not fair to either of you.

 

Of course the circumstances of the breakup can certainly influence the dumpees feelings about the dumper. For instance, if the dumper was cheating, abusive or generally a bad character to start with, then I am sure "hating" you "ex" would be considered not only normal, but okay. I have only experienced that once, when I found out my b/f (this goes WAY back) was actually seeing someone else while he was seeing me.

 

I think in most cases, it's just people growing apart or people realizing they are not with the person they are meant to be with, or in my case, the current circumstances making it impossible for the relationship to continue. Bad timing, distance, family pressures, etc., can all contribute to the breakup of a relationship, and it really truly isn't the dumper's fault in many cases. They just can't deal with the demands they are under, and so the relationship is the casuality.

 

I think however, that part of the healing process requires us to get angry at the other person. It allows us to distance ourselves from them and although often the pendulem can swing too far the other way, and we then get into the whole "I hate the person mode", eventually it swings back into a place were we can accept that it's over, not hate the other person, and just let it go.

 

I don't think any of us would wish anything awful on our "exes", although I am sure that in some cases giving them "a taste of their own medicine", would not be too hard to take My only wish for my "ex" is that he pull his head out of the sand, get some help and move forward with his life. He is headed for a breakdown and a very unhappy life he doesn't.

[me4ta]

I hear you....I was just kind of thinking and thinking about some other people's posts and thought that it was not fair to say "oh, people like my ex will never know what real love is and will never find it"....Yeah we bound to be angry at them, I'm not on speaking terms with my ex, although he never indicated he didn't want to talk to me, but I am angry at him for leaving me for some other girl who never even liked him before I started going out with him.....But that's another story...

 

I just think we should stop thinking about how their live is going to be miserable without us because if they end up getting married to that person they left us for....who's miserable now????

 

Everyday now, I'm getting better and better, I'm telling you, I look back at myself, how low I was only two months ago, hoping, thinking, getting absolutely terrified of solitude.....pain is going to pass and that's what we should be concentrating on....Beautiful future, how great it's going to be, that's what we should be thinking about, not how miserable someone is going to be without us......maybe, just think, maybe they were miserable with us.....who knows....sad, but why leave us if we were so great.....so my advice - work on yourself and be positive.

 

I'm doing just that...good luck people !

[herewegoagain]

me4ta - You made some good points. And you are right in that we say that they will get a taste of their own medicine, but that may not be true. For example, I bet my ex will be engaged by next summer, and married soon after. Like you said, they may not be so miserable.

 

Also, when I say treat the dumper with respect and a human being, I mean that if you dump someone, at least do it in person, do not be cold to them, etc. My ex dumped me over the phone and was with someone else 2 days later!! I do not care what anyone says - but THAT IS TOTALLY WRONG AND DISRESPECTFUL. And yes, I hope she gets a taste of her own medicine, but in reality, i believe she will be happily married within a year or so. So I'm afraid that she will never get a taste of her own medicine. It seems like some people never have to suffer through these things. It does not seem fair, but that's the way it is.

 

Take care

[me4ta]

You know....I totally, completely, understand what you're saying, my ex didn't have guts to break up with me sober...he had to be absolutely drunk to have strength to blurt out that he thought we were not meant to be and he wanted a break....he also went head and started dating a girl that was there at the bar where he broke up with me 15 minutes prior....the girl I suspected that night he was running after....I saw them.

 

Well, I'm angry at him, I think it's low, but at the same time, I think that ok, if my ex had an itch in his pants for that girl, or if I don't know what happened to your ex, she might have been in love with that guy for a while, so to you it's been only 2 days since she stopped loving you, but to her it wasn't 2 days, it could have been months....so what I'm also saying that even though I despise my ex for breaking up with me drunk, I understand that it's scary to be sitting there and breaking someone's heart, and someone that used to be loved by them.....In your ex's defence I can say that probably she was scared to face you, that doesn't mean that she's a good person because she was scared - you have to have guts to say to someone you like them, and you have to have guts to say to someone you don't like them anymore, she at least owed you that...

 

My point was.....we have to stop agonizing and hoping their lives will go sour for what they'd done.....believe me, if she's not the lowest of the low, she regrets doing this over the phone with you, she's just a big chicken s--t and decided to walk away so that she couldn't see your eyes.... Again, my point - yeah, she might get married next year, she might not, who knows, as far as you - start thinking about yourself, that YOU might be getting married next year, YOU might be dating this hot model in two weeks, or YOU can be doing the most exciting things you never got to do, and oops, she is not there to see it, her loss.

 

Good luck to you.

[Foz]

It's only after quite a few months that you stop beating yourself up and actually see how they contributed to it too. If they had told you how they felt, you would have put things right rather than lose them. You know in your mind that if only they had told you, explained how serious things were....you would have put it right.

 

But the fact is they didn't tell you, they didn't give you a chance, when you broke up they may have given you stupid reasons or fobbed you off or said they were at the end of the road when it was a total shock to you. In this way THEY are also responsible for not telling you and not explaining things.

 

i totally agree with Happythoughts.

My ex dumped me in a very cruel and disrespectful way. we were together for 3.5 years and living together for 2 years. I was away on a business trip and while i was away he cleared all his stuff out of our apartment, acted completely normal on the phone to me, collected me from the airport and 5 minutes from the apartment told me he had moved out and it was over. He then dropped me off at the empty apartment and that was it. After 3.5 years together and me not having a clue that we had major problems, well major to him anyway, i was cast aside without so much as an explanation as to what went wrong. to be honest i still dont know and when i look back on our relationship now all i can remember is the cruel way he left. I cant focus on the good things just the way he left and how much of a mess he left me in. So herewegoagain, i know what you mean about breaking up with someone in a cruel way..

 

Its 3 months now and i still miss him and i still think life was better with him. I did think i would die without him but im still alive but its a pretty crap and miserable existence at the moment.

 

I admire people who can pull themselves together but unfortunately all my friends are coupled up and have no time for me even though im going through this really rough patch. Part of the advice given is to go out with friends, i would love to do this if my friends could make time for me. They can fit me in for lunch but evenings and weekends-nope they are with their significant others while im at home crying about how lonely i am..

Im leaving the flat in 10 days and getting a flat mate so hopefully that will make things easier but at the moment i feel really low..

[herewegoagain]

Foz - I totally understand what you are saying about being lonely, while all of your friends are with their significant other. It's terrible being all alone while a lot of people you know are always having a good time with their partner. I guess we just have to get through it. It's been almost 4 months for me, and I'm very lonely, but I know it will get better. It may take a while, but we will get there.

 

That is terrible how your ex dumped you. That is what I was trying to explain to me4ta, that it is just not right. He should have at least talked to you about it more.

 

It seems like a lot of dumpers take the easy way out (my ex gf). Again, that is wrong, but there is nothing we can do about it.

 

But in retrospect, if your ex and mine are the type of person who could do that, and have no remorse, then we are better off without them. Of course, though, easier said than done.

[trishcollins]

totally understand what you are saying about being lonely, while all of your friends are with their significant other. It's terrible being all alone while a lot of people you know are always having a good time with their partner.

 

It's funny though, at my age, most of my friends have been married for 20 years plus and are looking for an excuse to hang out with their girlfriends. Most of them are actually jealous of my single status -- which I think is funny. I guess the grass really is always greener.

[trishcollins]

My ex dumped me in a very cruel and disrespectful way

 

Yes, he did Foz. Very cowardly if I might add.

 

Compared to most of my breakups, in hindsight, how my current "ex" dumped me is not all that bad.

 

12 years ago, I had my b/f at the time dumped me at an weekend work-retreat during the party. Just came up to me at the bar and said "I think we should see other people" and walked away. I had to remain calm and cool the entire weekend around my colleagues, since most of them didn't even know we were dating. It was horrible. Not ony that, but I found out shortly after that, that the woman he was cheating on me with, was also at the retreat, and they got together that night while I cried alone in my room.

 

My previous "ex" dumped me over the phone on my 37th birthday! I think that one takes the cake. He did end up coming out to my place afterwards, but not because I begged or anything. He said "should I come over" and I just said "do whatever you want". I say that was pretty cruel.

 

My current "ex" hinted at ending our relationship on my birthday, but I thought it was too ironic and even told him, if he was trying to vie for "the worse birthday I ever had title", he already lost to my last boyfriend. Little did I know that 2 months later, he would dump me anyway.

[me4ta]

I know it hurts and I know that leaving someone over the phone, or just get their stuff from an apartment and letting know about it post factum...it's so so BAD.....

 

What i'm trying to do is cheer you up, people.....I know you feel lonely, I feel lonely at times too, and for the past several days I've been thinking that I'm not even going out that much lately to meet someone new, even though I dated so much since the break up - unfotunately all freaks...but I have to say, for some reason, I don't care anymore, I'm trying to have fun for myself, not going and deliberately look for a significant other...that never works - Murphy's law....

 

But just to cheer you up, again, people who do the aforementioned things when breaking meaningful, long term relationships are low, they are whusses who cannot face you with respect and do it gracefully. What really kills me is how great they might have been to you guys, your exes, but at the end acted like that - was in the end you saw their true faces....that's what I wonder about....

 

We may never know...but my advice is keep up cheering yourselves up, go out, try to go out alone if you don't have friends who can accompany you....I do it, I took myself to see The Grudge on Halloween - OMG, guys, that was awful, I thought I'd die from horror LOL and all others in the movie theatre were with someone, and I was alone hiding in my shirt - and you know what, I didn't feel like a loser, I felt empowered that I can do that - you don't have to have someone, even just friends to be a whole person - you can do stuff alone.

 

Imagine you're in a new city - what are you going to do, sit at home and feel sorry for being lonely, no you'll go out and try to find new friends. Flatmates is a good option, I've been thinking about it myself.

 

So don't feel sorry for yourself, don't think you're lonely, because you're not....it's also in the eye of the beholder - there are so many things that can make your day better, you just have to open your eyes on positive sides of this whole experience.

 

Of course your friends envy you that you're single, Trish - being single is actually very empowering, and I know now you wish you weren't - but what can you do, you have to use this time to your advantage.

[theusual]

just remember, all relationships are a learning experience.

 

I know what you mean about exes. I'm married right now, and I still often ponder the fact of why they made decisions they did. For some reason, I have called exes in the past - some recently, just to see how they are doing. Why - I don't know. Something maybe not yet resolved... Perhaps with me always being so analytical, I have just always tried to read too deep into things. But sometimes I feel a little closure when I talk to them.

[happythoughts]

Hi all,

 

God I know what you mean about loneliness and the thought that all your friends are in couples. But we also have the idea that everyone else's relationships are perfect and there's something wrong with us because we got dumped and we're now single.

 

That's not the case, for a start other people's relationships are far from perfect.

 

Plus, in all our cases, lots of things contribute to a break-up. Things like bad timing, circumstances in people's lives, one partner being ready for more while the other is still growing...

 

It takes a strong person (and a few months of crying) to realise that the ex isn't perfect either. And more often than not it's not something you 'did' but the point that they are at in their own lives.

 

Plus, think about the regrets they may have. Who hasn't dumped somebody and thought back about them occasionally - I wonder how they're doing, I wonder how things would've worked out if I'd stuck around? I still think that sometimes abut a boy I dumped when I was 20! Imagine how our siginificant exes are going to feel now we're in our late twenties! All those possibilities they shut the door on...

 

As they go on in their lives and we go on in ours, it may well be that, in time, we are the 'one that got away'. There is no guarantee they are going to be so much more magically happy with somebody else.

 

But the comfort for us is that we all know we tried our best to save our relationship and in that sense, we've freed ourselves to love again. We won't be plagued with 'what ifs'. We tried our best, we will survive, we've learned our lessons and more importantly, we can give to somebody else. That is really empowering in its own way.

 

Foz, I understand about your loneliness, I have that too. If I don't have plans for the weekend I panic. Try and keep yourself as busy as you can, grab your only single friend and go to the bars if you can. Anything to avoid being home alone. But also allow yourself to grieve. Even if you went out every night for the next three months, there will come a point when you have to collapse and cry. We've all got to grieve and sometimes you just have to allow yourself to FEEL everything and let it wash over you. Even though you don't want to experience any more pain, you have to sometimes.

 

Also, you are at the very early stages so forgive yourself. I'm at eight and a half months and I still don't feel myself But it does get better.....