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GF of 5 years married someone else a month later.?.


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OP, while it is said that one should not assume an individual has a personality disorder based on our own conclusions, I disagree. There is a saying that if it walks like a duck it is probably a duck, and I agree with THAT statement. If your ex has the characteristics of a BD individual, and you say that she does, you have been interacting with a very sick individual. That means that you were in a very sick relationship, and that spells disaster. You actually dodged a bullet, my friend. Sometimes when we are in the forest we cannot see the forest for the trees, but you are out of the forest NOW and perhaps you can see what happened here more clearly now. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, remember?

 

Also, please try to remember that she cannot help what she is. Personality disorders do not come out of the air. They are usually due to some type of abuse suffered as a child. So don't hate her or hold any bitterness for her. Instead, hate the mental illness that she has and use this as a lesson in life. Not everyone thinks like you do, has the heart that you and is willing to participate in a relationship like you are willing to do. The key is to find someone who is healthy in that regard, someone that you are attracted to and can have fun with in this journey through life. It is out there for you if you allow yourself to be open for it. However, just a caveat.....guard your heart and look at how things develop in a relationship with your brain. You need to do this because things are not always as they seem.

 

Wishing you the best..... chi

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  • 3 weeks later...
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ok so i'm back with another little piece of the puzzle. so recently I found out that my ex's mother is living with my ex and her new husband (keep in mind the new husband and ex's mother work together too) since my ex's father passed a couple of months ago. so it is now becoming clear that my original thought that the mother was heavily involved in this whole thing from the beginning. the more reading I have done on BPD the more I see how the mother is even more damaged than I originally thought and a good portion of this break up was really the mother making preparations for her livelihood AFTER the passing of her husband. the mother had made several comments to my mother about not being able to live in her house alone after her husband died (they talked a lot about things like that since we lost my father 2 years ago). I think she knew I would not allow her to live her with us when we got married. I know my ex and I have discussed a similar situation I had with my 1st wife's mother moving in with us right after our wedding and it really drove a wedge between us right off the bat. so she also knew I wouldn't really be on-board with that idea and also my mother was strong enough to go thru that terrible loss and not have to move in with me or my siblings.

 

anyway I really wish I could just let this whole thing go and completely move on but as I have been reading I am starting to realize I have some issues with the "rescuing compulsion" which makes a lot of sense when I look back at both this relationship and my marriage. so with all that being said I don't really know how to correct that behavior in myself and yes it scares the hell out of me that I make this mistake again and end up another 5 or 10 years down the road in this same boat.

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Seek therapy --- because this "complusion" would have you dealing not only with your ex, if given the chance, but her mother!

 

If you can see the pattern, you are part way there. Seek therapy to get to the root of the problem and you won't have to worry about continuing to play it out.

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I really wish I could just let this whole thing go and completely move on but as I have been reading I am starting to realize I have some issues with the "rescuing compulsion" which makes a lot of sense when I look back at both this relationship and my marriage. so with all that being said I don't really know how to correct that behavior in myself and yes it scares the hell out of me that I make this mistake again and end up another 5 or 10 years down the road in this same boat.

 

I think that it is good to do some self-examination into the role that we play in a relationship because it is through self reflection that we grow. The fact that you recognize that you have this "rescuing compulsion" I think is suffient in itself to prevent you from going down that path again. I think that you will be fine in the future. ...chi

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You have been obsessing about this break up for months over a breakup that is the best thing that could happen to you, she has loads of problems and you dive into it deeper and just now you are realizing that you may have a problem?

Look.... you don't have a problem with your "rescuing compulsion" and if you feel that you do, great...congrats...now let this one go and go out and find a great girl who you don't feel like you have to rescue. If you meet a girl that has no job, no place to live, doesn't have money for food, then you let her go. This does not mean she is a bad person, it means you are saving yourself drama and it does not make you a bad person for passing on it. If you have a tendency to place their happiness first, then realize that you have to place yours first. Find someone that has their life in order, that is already happy and someone you can add to it.

If you really wish you could let this one go, then do it. Don't talk about it, don't type it, don't think it, just do it. This breakup, what this girl did and why she did it is because she is unstable. There is no book in the world that is going to give you and answer that will satisfy your curiosity. Crazy people will do crazy things and not always what a book or a website can tell you why. The current status is that she is married and not to you. As much as that may hurt you this is the best thing in the world for you. You dodged a bullet!!

Put the books down, and say you are better for this.

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18 months from now....."My exgf is getting a divorce after a short 18 month marriage. She wants to get back together with me. She says she is sorry and that she was under an incredible amount of stress when she married him. I'm not sure what to do. I still love her, but geez".

 

And my reply will be: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Do you want someone who makes rash, impulsive decisions? Do u want someone who makes decision w/o considering how her kids will be affected? This lady is a LOSER.

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chitown - you have responded a couple of times on this post so I guess we know each other good enough for me to ask you this now... "Will you marry me?" LMAO - j/k

No1 and jennylove thank you for your responses and yea I could totally see that kind of post in the next year about the divorce and wanting to come back. I think I have mentioned that unfortunately for me my way of processing these kinds of situation is to feel like I completely understand as much as I can so I can move on and yes I realize that constantly researching about this doesn't allow me to move on as quickly as most people but this is just how I process it. I think overall I'm going to be better for this situation just as my divorce but I really thought I loved her and the relationship was great until this sh*t started. I really appreciate the input and I am really thankful for this community and the support thru such a drastic and challenging change in my life.

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Life is a constant learning process, once you think you have it figured out, someone always comes in and throws you for a loop. Sometimes you don't have to know how a watch works to understand what it does. People do crazy things sometimes and there is no reason for it. Move forward..

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Well, I can understand your desire to research what went down. I recently ended a marriage to a man that I truly loved, but came to understand that he was sick. He has a narcissistic personality disorder, and if you research that you will find that it means much more than being extremely selfish. It also meant that he sought out other women due to his need for narcisstic supply, the need for excitement in the form of gambling etc. etc. I needed to understand what was going on to know for myself if there was a chance in hell for the marriage to work. Knowledge is power. It was only with a great deal of gathering information about NPD that I arrived at the decision that divorce was the best option for me. I too, am sadder but wiser now. I am secure in the knowledge that I made the correct decision.

 

I also realize the part that I played in relationship as well, and that was only realized by self- examination. I totally get why you ponder over what ocurred. It is how we grow, and besides that, I now am better armed to avoid that type of a relationship in the future.

 

So onward and upward! ..chi

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chitown - I'm so sorry about your situation but you seem to have made peace with your decision. I guess that is a large part of my problem is that this wasn't my decision and going back over the whole relationship I didn't see any of this coming. I really thought I did a lot of relationship growing during and after my divorce. I still operate from that mentality of "be a spouse that only an idiot would leave" that I read so many years ago. Anyway thanks again for the encouraging words and support.

 

btw you didn't answer my question lol

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btw you didn't answer my question lol

 

I am confused.8-[ The question of your thread is basically why did she marry someone else soon soon after your relationship ended? no? The answer to that is, essentially that she is not all there. This answer has been suggested to you by other posters as well. chi

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The last girl i was seeing showed borderline personality disorder traits. Her father abandoned her, and when he did come back he just came back to hurt her- and hes a millionaire, and he still gets at her and tries to control her and push her away. Her mother has personality disorder, so they dont have a normal relationship. She was raped, chases after men who hurt and control her - and rushes all relationships - like she did with me a month ago.

 

A month ago i was a celebrity to her. I was doing everything perfect, and she was getting anxiety about making me happy, being good for me, and insecure about how much i liked her. She didnt want a relatioship because she rushes things, but i persuaded her- and one bad weekend over lack of her having time for me, and miscomunication, we both we distant, and then she turned into a different person saying she doesnt have time, feelings or emotions to invest in someone and she is overwhelmed in life- to the guy she was madly in love with just a week ago... whaaaat? Then she did a 180 and didnt give two farts about my opinion, and she went back and forth from wanting me to not wanting to be with me- until she said she will hurt me, or will eventually hurt me and she has to leave- again, just a aweek ago shes planning ways to get me to live with her in her new house, about kids and marriage- and how she needs to see me more.

 

I am sure she has BPD, she admitted to depression and taking medications, but she never digged further. Her last ex was 16 years older than her, controlling and abusive, sloppy, and has bi polar and is aggressive. She tends to date older guys, i am 32 and she was 23.

 

They arent functional, i even read they are pathological liars. I think they did us a favor and knew that they would bring us down with them too. I would hate to see how she would have treated our kids - or the marriage we would have had.

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Thorshammer makes a good point. I was with my girl for 4 years, very toxic. Se had many traits of bpd / narcissistic qualities. She overlapped me and in a matter of days was having me move out and having my replacement move in. They just got engaged after being together less than a month.

 

The key to these rushed replacement and marriages relates to the fact that these kind of people can't be alone, they are emotionally and in many cases physically dependent on having someone around to be codependent with. I'm about a month into my breakup, and though painful and sad, I'm slowly healing and putting pieces together that I probably dodged a bullet. The amount of drama and draining of very soul was something I was completely blind to. I was trying to play her white knight, which is my own problem.

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I was trying to play her white knight, which is my own problem.

 

Thats something else i read about BPD from a poster on here. I drop the charm and coldness when someone reveals their hurt and pain. But BPD people do that to get sympathy, i read that its because they are warning you on how not to act - but its possible that i read that wrong, because they say they are liars and chase after unavailable men- so there is a contradiction there- so it could be her way to manipulate.

 

All i know is if we didnt have that bad weekend we had, and i didnt get frustrated with her, and/or if her therapist didnt feed her (if they did at that is) - she probably would have eventually tried to get me to marry her or have kids with her, it just seems like i always had to talk sense into her and tell her to chill out.

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  • 3 months later...

Ok I'm back and need some more input from the community here. First a little update - I've maintained no contact with the ex since May/June 2013 (no facebook or googling her.) I'm feeling much better about the situation but obviously it still crosses my mind quite often. Haven't seen her in public more than passing her on the road occasionally and even then she covers her face or looks the other way. I know I'm not completely healed but I have been on a few dates and go out with friends on a regular basis and feel much better than even just a couple of months ago. Still hitting the gym 4 to 5 days a week and dropped another 10lbs while on my cutting cycle and when I see people that haven't seen me in a couple of months or more they are absolutely amazed how different I look which is great to boost my self esteem. So overall I think I'm beginning to move on and get my life back for me.

 

So a couple of days ago I got a text from my ex's best friend saying she had been waving at someone that she thought was me. Then she started asking how I was doing. I was busy when the texts came in so it was a couple of hours later when I saw it. I debated to not even respond but she and I had become friends and even talked to her a little bit right after the break up and she even called me a few weeks after my ex got married to tell me she had no idea and thought it was all pretty crazy. She was also the friend that I saw in the local restaurant with my ex and her new husband. So I haven't talked to this friend since a couple of weeks after the break up even though she said she still wanted to hang out sometimes. So anyway I responded to her and said I was doing good and my son was doing good. She asked about my job situation and we caught up a bit. Anyway she ended it with saying she wanted to hang out sometimes and I said that was fine.

 

Well right before I responded to the texts I was talking with my older sister and she is friends with my ex's new husband's ex wife. So anyway apparently the new husband's son got a high school girl pregnant and she just had the baby. Right after he got her pregnant he went off to the army but now he is back and the baby was born about 3 weeks ago. So that means that all of them are living in the new husband's house -- my ex, her 2 girls (ages 5 and 9), new husband, his two kids (boy 21 and girl 16), the son's baby, and my ex's mom. I can only imagine how crazy that whole living arrangement is but then also remember the ex's mom and new husband also work together. Also did I mention that the son got a 15 year old pregnant and that is statutory rape...

 

So I get home and start thinking more about it and start wondering if there was anything to that or just an innocent conversation. So I ask a buddy of mine that also was friends with my ex and he says he thinks she might be running recon for my ex and I am kind of thinking the same thing. So I guess I'm wondering if I should be expecting some kind of retaliation from the ex? I can't say that I'm completely over her but I also know I don't want to go thru all the pain again and I want to be prepared if she starts reaching out or trying to manipulate others around me as we still have a lot of mutual friends. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and thanks in advance.

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I looked back on this thread to try to understand the detail here. You are still too focused on her and not yourself IMO. She may contact you, she may not, she might manipulate, retailiate, whatever, but you need to get to the point where you don't care. Move forward without her. I remember when an ex of ten year relationship of mine came down with mental health issues, BPD was one of the possible problems. I read books on BPD (post breakup), kept running scenarios in my mind on what to watch out for, etc. Analyzed her behavior while dating, was this BPD behavior? My ex did mess with me post breakup, but when it all changed for me, for the better, when I stopped caring what she did. She can play games all she wants, live in an odd way, do whatever, I'm above this now and don't care. That's truly moving on, you'll feel so much better. I think you are on the right path, exercising, getting into shape. Stay the course, don't worry about her. The more you analyze her it slows down your progress.

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I looked back on this thread to try to understand the detail here. You are still too focused on her and not yourself IMO. She may contact you, she may not, she might manipulate, retailiate, whatever, but you need to get to the point where you don't care. Move forward without her.

 

I think you are on the right path, exercising, getting into shape. Stay the course, don't worry about her. The more you analyze her it slows down your progress.

 

I agree with these section. Do not keep talking to or hang out with this friend. I actually would not be surprised if she was romantically interested in you. Just avoid it all man.

 

Also, consider getting some therapy. Your relationship sounded very awful and chaotic. You might need some help in processing those feelings.

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You are not different from any one of us,is not easy to forget some one,but for you it might take forever because you're always snooping/analyzing,trying to figure out whats going on in her life,what she's thinking,and that's what keeping you down.

As much as I hate to say this;the truth is there's always gonna be some one better than us or may be not. What we all need to focus on is not acting on those feelings of missing an ex, don't go asking/finding what's up with her,you say you've a lot of mutual friends,knowing that they might brought her up in a conversation. Try cutting it short every time they go that route.

Is Hard I know but from what I reed;you're the one making hard to heal completely or at list to the extend it won't be popping in your head every day.

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Honey, she married someone else. End of story, end of game.

 

You need to not be thinking about your ex at all. Doesn't matter if she gives birth to a baby with 3 heads or their house burns down or she wins the lottery or anything else. Her life, issues, problems, triumphs, failures etc. are none of your concern and none of your business. She is a married woman now, and married to someone else, so it is time to totally cut contact with her and any sources of information about her. If anyone else tries to start talking to you about her, you just cut them off. You can be polite and say you'd prefer not to discuss it because it is old news and water over the dam and you wish her well, but she is someone else's wife now and not your concern.

 

Then work on letting go. And find an available girl for yourself.

 

Also, never underestimate how much people like to gossip, especially if it is 'juicy' or scandalous information like teen pregnancies, misfortunes etc. So don't read anything at all into these women talking to you about your ex. They're just having a good gossip, and probably thinking you might enjoy hearing about her troubles since she tossed you over in the mode of sweet revenge/what goes around comes around.

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  • 5 months later...

So I'm back and I need some support from the community. It has been almost a year and a half since the break up and I don't like where I am (hence why I'm back posting.) I have maintained no contact, no cyber searching, etc. I've only run into her once since my last post and they turned around and left the restaurant as soon as they saw me and my family. So I have dating several women and even been intimate with a few and honestly I thought I would be completely over all of this at this point but I'm still hung up on it. I have decided that even if she called and wanted to come back I would not take her back. I feel like I have done everything I can to move on besides proposing to the next woman I saw. So why do I still feel guilty (like I'm cheating) when I'm with someone else, I don't feel attracted to other women, and I feel like I will never find another person that made me feel like she did.

 

I would appreciate some feedback that isn't "just get over it", "dude - your pathetic", etc. because believe me I feel pretty pathetic feeling like this and feeling helpless to do anything about it. And lastly I am posting here because a while back I a commitment to myself to not keep talking to friends and family about this as I'm sure they are sick of hearing about it but now I feel like I'm suffering in my own head.

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The more reading I have done on BPD the more I see how the mother is even more damaged than I originally thought and a good portion of this break up was really the mother making preparations for her livelihood AFTER the passing of her husband.

 

anyway I really wish I could just let this whole thing go and completely move on but as I have been reading I am starting to realize I have some issues with the "rescuing compulsion" which makes a lot of sense when I look back at both this relationship and my marriage. so with all that being said I don't really know how to correct that behavior in myself and yes it scares the hell out of me that I make this mistake again and end up another 5 or 10 years down the road in this same boat.

 

The core issue is that you have a "rescuing compulsion." It is faaar easier for you to obsess over the ex (which makes getting over it much harder for you to move on).

 

I think to really deal with your need to rescue, you should fix that with a therapist.

 

Ok I'm back and need some more input from the community here. First a little update - I've maintained no contact with the ex since May/June 2013 (no facebook or googling her.) I'm feeling much better about the situation but obviously it still crosses my mind quite often. Haven't seen her in public more than passing her on the road occasionally and even then she covers her face or looks the other way. I know I'm not completely healed but I have been on a few dates and go out with friends on a regular basis and feel much better than even just a couple of months ago. Still hitting the gym 4 to 5 days a week and dropped another 10lbs while on my cutting cycle and when I see people that haven't seen me in a couple of months or more they are absolutely amazed how different I look which is great to boost my self esteem. So overall I think I'm beginning to move on and get my life back for me.

 

So a couple of days ago I got a text from my ex's best friend saying she had been waving at someone that she thought was me. Then she started asking how I was doing. I was busy when the texts came in so it was a couple of hours later when I saw it. I debated to not even respond but she and I had become friends and even talked to her a little bit right after the break up and she even called me a few weeks after my ex got married to tell me she had no idea and thought it was all pretty crazy. She was also the friend that I saw in the local restaurant with my ex and her new husband. So I haven't talked to this friend since a couple of weeks after the break up even though she said she still wanted to hang out sometimes. So anyway I responded to her and said I was doing good and my son was doing good. She asked about my job situation and we caught up a bit. Anyway she ended it with saying she wanted to hang out sometimes and I said that was fine.

 

Well right before I responded to the texts I was talking with my older sister and she is friends with my ex's new husband's ex wife. So anyway apparently the new husband's son got a high school girl pregnant and she just had the baby. Right after he got her pregnant he went off to the army but now he is back and the baby was born about 3 weeks ago. So that means that all of them are living in the new husband's house -- my ex, her 2 girls (ages 5 and 9), new husband, his two kids (boy 21 and girl 16), the son's baby, and my ex's mom. I can only imagine how crazy that whole living arrangement is but then also remember the ex's mom and new husband also work together. Also did I mention that the son got a 15 year old pregnant and that is statutory rape...

 

So I get home and start thinking more about it and start wondering if there was anything to that or just an innocent conversation. So I ask a buddy of mine that also was friends with my ex and he says he thinks she might be running recon for my ex and I am kind of thinking the same thing. So I guess I'm wondering if I should be expecting some kind of retaliation from the ex? I can't say that I'm completely over her but I also know I don't want to go thru all the pain again and I want to be prepared if she starts reaching out or trying to manipulate others around me as we still have a lot of mutual friends. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and thanks in advance.

 

So I'm back and I need some support from the community. It has been almost a year and a half since the break up and I don't like where I am (hence why I'm back posting.) I have maintained no contact, no cyber searching, etc. I've only run into her once since my last post and they turned around and left the restaurant as soon as they saw me and my family. So I have dating several women and even been intimate with a few and honestly I thought I would be completely over all of this at this point but I'm still hung up on it. I have decided that even if she called and wanted to come back I would not take her back. I feel like I have done everything I can to move on besides proposing to the next woman I saw. So why do I still feel guilty (like I'm cheating) when I'm with someone else, I don't feel attracted to other women, and I feel like I will never find another person that made me feel like she did.

 

I would appreciate some feedback that isn't "just get over it", "dude - your pathetic", etc. because believe me I feel pretty pathetic feeling like this and feeling helpless to do anything about it. And lastly I am posting here because a while back I a commitment to myself to not keep talking to friends and family about this as I'm sure they are sick of hearing about it but now I feel like I'm suffering in my own head.

Edited by Ms Darcy
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What exactly are you afraid of if you let go? If its been a year and change and you dont stalk her or contact her, what triggers the thought of her? What is your fear?

You do remember that this girl did have mental issues and had nothing but drama that followed her right? Or was it the sex? Im thinking that it has to be the sex.. Why else would a guy marry a girl with mental issues that was a month out of a long term relationship? Im thinking it has to be she was the hottest girl in your town/city or the sex was that awesome.

Edited by No1
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