Dealing with jealousy about my boyfriend's relationship w/ex

[anonymousgirl1]

My boyfriend of six months has had many, many exes from fairly serious relationships.

 

His last girlfriend, let's call her Justine, is two grades younger than us in school, and they were together for "two years" (in reality they broke up about six times, their longest relationship continuously being five months) before he cheated on her. He broke up with her after he cheated.

 

In one of the two month "breaks" him and justine took while they were dating, we developed romantic connections. I've had feelings towards him ever since, and he's admitted that while they were dating he had a crush on me and suppressed it. This is one statement that makes me worry - would he tell ME if he developed a crush on another girl? A month after he broke up with Justine, we started dating.

 

Because he's cheated twice in the past before we started dating (though with relationships with girls he said he never loved as much as he loved me), I worry about this kind of thing. I worry about him developing feelings for Justine, and something happening, in particular. Now I realize that I'm very insecure about his love for me (it fluctuates) and I feel threatened by certain girls, namely Justine.

 

Since we started school again in September, my jealousy over Justine has flared up. Everything he does for her, I want him to do for me.

 

For example:

 

1. He had forgotten her birthday this year (though at the time they weren't really talking much), and they were joking around and he said he'd bring her a gift if she gave him five dollars. He ended up putting cheeseits in an envelope and writing her a short note. I was stupidly jealous about this, and huffed around. Because of a disagreement from which he decided that we shouldn't exchange gifts for a while, I was hurt when I found out that he had done something nice fo rher, and wanted a gift too, even if it was just cheeseits in an envelope.

 

2. He lives long distance when he stays with his dad, and my phone bill doesn't charge for calls to him, whereas if he calls me its extremely expensive, so most of the time I have to call him. He rarely calls me except to call me back. So whenever I find out that he has called Justine to talk but not called me (especially if I try to call him while he's on the phone with her and realize they've been talking for half an hour) I get nauseatingly jealous. He says this only happens "once every two months, usually", and him and I talk every night, and thats why the charge doesn't matter with her.

 

3. Small things like this, mostly. Today, for example, he found out that she had been in the hospital for a small scale operation to remove her appendix. He called her and rode his bike to her house. I have been begging for him to call me or come see me (we haven't had time alone in almost a month), and I felt hurt that she got to see him and talk to him while he was "home" (custody nightmare, he lives with his dad most of the time) and I didn't. I feel like a jerk because while I'm sympathetic for Justine's condition, I'm STILL jealous.

 

All in all, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see them together. If he walks her to class when he can't find me (a very rare occasion), I feel hurt and end up moping. He isn't the type of guy, usually, that is just friends with a girl - but this might just be how I feel. He says he doesn't even love her as a friend anymore, and barely cares about her, so I don't understand why he puts what I view as so much effort into maintaining their contact.

 

I hate being jealous, I need advice on how to quell these feelings and trust him, or at least how to deal with the feelings constructively.

[PrincessLinzay]

I think your jealousy is completely justified to tell you the truth. Exes are exes for a reason and if it's making you insecure, he should be respecting that. I had a similar problem and it really destroyed the relationship. There's enough baggage people bring to a relationship without adding exes to the mix. Have you talked to him and told him that you're not comfortable with him maintaining this close friendship with his ex? If the situation was reversed, would he feel comfortable with you talking to one of your exes all the time? These are all questions I would put to him.

[stomacstress]

I've had a similar problem with my ex-gf (except she never cheated on anyone...). She was good friends with her ex of several years before (let's call him Bill) and anything she would do for him and not do for me would make me badly jealous. Once I called her at work but she was busy and could not talk to me. But the next day she had a long conversation with Bill from her workplace! I was so jealous and still, we talked to each other almost every day... I eventually stopped being jealous and trusted her - I kept telling myself that her talking to a friend did not take anything away from me. (Because of other things though, our relationship didn't work out.)

 

One thing that I've learned is that some people are more comfortable than others with this kind of situation. You might ask him if he would be comfortable if the situation was reversed, but his answer could be 'YES'! That won't make you any less worried. It seems you already talked to him about your concerns, but I think the first thing for you is to figure out your own personality: ask yourself how much you can accept and where you draw the line. (Think about this when your mind is not cluttered by jealousy.)

 

Your jealousy over the cheeseits present was stupid - I agree with you, especially since Justine had to pay $5 for that... You would also go visit any sick friend, there is nothing wrong in what he did and you are not a jerk for being sympathetic for Justine's condition. The questions are: what did (or will) your bf do on your birthday (the important thing is that he remembers it and that he is with you). Why haven't you had time alone with your boyfriend for almost a month!? You should ask him why it has been so long (but DON'T add "but you went and saw Justine" when you ask him, it would put the wrong blame on him). I would ask him why does he need to call Justine long distance if he barely cares about her?

 

Your boyfriend is either not thinking about what he is doing to you (if he goes beyond what you can accept, tell him he is making a mistake), or he is just being himself (in which case you may not be ideal for each other).

 

Hope this helps.

SStress