Chronic Pain - (why?)

[EclipseXkim621]

I'm kind of getting worried. It's been 11 months(as of today) that me and my ex broke up and honestly, through all the ups and downs...I can say that I probably feel about the same as I did 11 months ago. I come here constantly-looking for posts that I can relate to, also in hopes for some magical piece of advice or words that will heal all my pain and make me move on and accept it. I know thats a fairytale, and that the only way to heal is to let TIME take the pain away... (when time really doesnt seem to be with me on this one) Although, when all I seem to do is think about it, live my life in regrets, cry about it all the time, and basically just dwell on it...its really starting to worry me.

 

I'm a really outgoing person. I have tons of great friends and a beyond wonderful family. I am always out having fun and I do know that going out with friends and etc is the best way to get stress of of your mind. Although I do that, the pain-free me lasts for only at that time(and most of the time..even with smiles and laughs; inside i feel like im dying..and I mean..as real as dying can feel.) I feel like I have this chronic illness that wont leave my mind.

 

I think I should be moved on by now...or atleast somewhat. I couldn't count the times I've cried this past week even. It just feels like an ongoing pain that just wont leave my side. I've had a hard breakup before this one which was with my 1st love and was 2 times longer...and it didn't last like this one, nor did I dwell on it.

 

It's really hard to explain, but...It's as if inside my head I truly believe that we are meant to be, and that one day he will come back and we'll be back together. I honestly, truly, think this in my head....which is my main reason for NOT moving on. I have no intentions on meeting new people, or giving someone else a chance with me. Something has to be wrong here, I don't know what else to do...I honestly don't. I really want to just quit N/C and tell him all this and how sorry I am for decieving him in the past..but..he has heard it all already..and plus..if I did that..I'd be lowering all the pride I've finally built up this past month. I couldn't do that to myself. Then again..even the words "Moving On" and stuff like that makes my stomach turn. I really dont want to...I have this mind set that I am supposed to be with him and only him...I cant force my mind to think ANY different. I know I'm wrong, but..I can't stop all these feelings. I think its about time I should-someway..somehow-

--I really feel as if Im stone..my heart is so cold.

 

Honestly, I'm looking for any type of advice..or explainations to what may be wrong with me

[Celadon]

Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad about your breakup. I don't know that I have incredible advice, but I did want to say I sympathize. It takes me a long time to heal, too, but as far as my last relationship went, that's because I felt used by him, not like we were meant to be.

 

It sounds like you've been forcing yourself to be doing things with friends, which is good, but maybe you haven't taken all the time you need to grieve - to accept and come to terms with the situation. Have you gone away by yourself for a weekend, with just a journal to write in or some other way of reflecting on your feelings and what happened.

 

When I cling to something (old relationship, or hoped-for relationship), it's partly because I don't have the energy to do anything new, or I haven't figured out what to do next with myself. It's easier to dwell in a fantasy instead of confronting ourselves and our feelings. Often there are some areas of our lives we need to grow in, but we keep so busy, we avoid thinking about it.

 

If that resonates with you at all, take the time to assess where you are in life. Set a few goals that really mean something to you. They can be small, but own them. Perhaps that will take your mind off of your lost relationship, and allow for life to move you forward, like the current of a river.

[DBL]

I been through a lot of break ups. I only had a handful of meaningful relationships, my first real one was hard. Out of all of them, that is the one I thought I would marry. She was also the craziest! That one took me about 6 months to get over. Just about a month into a new relationship. I did a lot drinking and smoking.

 

Another relationship I had lasted another 2 years. We broke up, rolled out of bed the next morning and I was over it.

 

I dated another girl for 6-8 months...can't really remember. That proved to be a tough one to get over. Took me just under a year to deal with.

 

I am now separated from my wife of almost 4 years, been together 5. I haven't dated anybody since she left in Feb.

 

We all go through this kind of thing, we all have our own time limit on healing. We always take the easy way out of a problem by believing what we want to happen instead of realizing what is really happening. Maybe one day you all will get back together, but until then you need to continue living your life, and having more experiences to help build your charcter.

 

i try to look at things as if I need to go through these things to either become a better person (which I need a lot of work on!) and get me on the path that I am suppose to take. The relationship I had for the 6-8 months put me in a situation that began my programming career. If I didn't go through it, I would not be a programmer writing scripts to help people care for their pets. If I did not get married, I would of never went through with the idea of writing the scripts. Now that I am going to have to close the chapter on my wife, i'm sure there is something else that I will accomplish because of the mysery I am going through now. I believe things happen for a reason, and we need to grow and learn from them. Just because your man left, it won't be the end, you may have already learned something, or may still be in the process of going to learn something out of all this.

 

I don't have no magic words, but a lot of us are going through simalar situations, just have to take it day by day, moment by moment. One day you will question yourself in why you let this get you down for so long, and realized how much of life you let pass you by dwelling on something you can't control.

 

Good Luck

DBL