Am I being too sensitive?

[bg]

Ok, this is a lengthly problem, so please bear with me.

 

Last February my boyfriend almost broke up with me because a very close female friend of his was coming to visit and he wanted to go out with her without even introducing her to me first. I reluctantly agreed to stay home while he went out with her, despite the fact that I felt very hurt that he didn't even want to introduce her to me. I made sure he knew how his actions made me feel. We got through that, but a couple of months ago we broke up due to other things.

 

During the time we wee broken up we still hung out together a lot and saw a lot of each other. eventually we started having sex again and being very intimate, holding hands, kissing, telling each other we felt love.

 

Before the breakup we had planned to attend an event his family was holding in another city (the same city, incidentally, where his close friend lives). Obviously when we broke up I assumed my invitation was off.

 

About 3 days before we officially started using the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" again but long after the kissing, sex and ffection was underway, he invited his close friend to be his date for the event that I had previously been invited to attend with him. He did not discuss this decision with me first, and he didn't tell me about it until i happened to ask him several days later where he was staying.

 

I am not worried that anything sexual will happen between them, however I'm extremely upset that he essentially replaced me without telling me, even when we were back on.

 

So am I crazy to be upset? I feel like screaming.

[Michael36]

You're not crazy to be upset, but based on the information you've given, you sound a bit naive not to be worried about anything sexual happening between them.

 

First of all, it is the height of disrespect for a guy to "go out" with a so-called female "friend" while his girlfriend sits at home. If his interest in her was truly limited to friendship, he would have -- and should have -- invited you to come along.

 

Second, if he's willing to replace you with her as his date for this event without telling you, what do you think would stop him replacing you with her as his sex partner without telling you? Obviously not his "respect" for you, because it's obvious from his past behavior that he has none.

 

Sounds to me like this guy is playing you like a fiddle, yet your feelings for him are preventing you from seeing the obvious.

[lady00]

No, I don't think you're being too sensitive. I'd be mad too if my bf did that to me...he asked you to go to that event and you guys were in the process of getting back together when the time of the even approached so it's not cool of him to invite her instead of you.

[lillady898]

I would probably freak out if that was going on between my boyfriend and I... But then again, I just had a post about how I maybe (or maybe not) have been overreacting about things. Truthfully, I am uncomfortable with my boyfriend being alone with girls. Luckily, he knows this. Hopefully, he respects this. Maybe you should be a bit stronger about your feelings on this towards him. Not saying you should use a strong voice and a strong yell, just tell him exactly how you're feeling about this. Hopefully, your boyfriend will see your point of view.

[Stari]

It is generally good to form alternate explanations.

 

He could have asked his female friend shortly after you two broke up. That way he would have more time to find another date in case his friend did not want to go. As for not telling you about her going with him, maybe he feared that your still healing relationship was too fragile at the time for telling you about it.

 

I think that at this moment, it is absolutely leathal for your relationship if you show that you are mad at him. Since very soon will he meet a possibly interested friend who might be easygoing and who will not scold him. That clear difference would not be to your advantage. If he honours his word, you two can kiss till your jaws fall off but he will still bring her as a date regardless of how much he wished that it was you instead.

 

As always, if his actions towards you afterwards are loving, let them decrease any fears you might have. What we fear is what we create, someone has mentioned. In my past I have acted against that adage. I can no longer affect my behaviour during that past event. But you can still affect yours.

[Cecelius]

I have the same response that I would have to all of the "My G/F wants to have dinner alone with a man" posts.

 

It's disrespectful and not appropriate, unless the two of you are not exclusive (and I believe that is assumed out in the post).

 

If you have not, simply explain to him that this is on its face not appropriate. Do it without drama or seeming as if it bothers you (and don't let it bother you: if he's going to do something inappropriate, why give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset). Then let him do what he will.

 

If he still goes, then break up with him. He's basically telling you to stuff it. Of course, he may hem and haw about how its not like that, how she's just a friend, how you don't trust him, etc.

 

The answer still is that a person committed to their relationship does not intentionally do affirmatively, materially inappropriate things. This is one of them.

 

If he goes in the face of this, you know your answer. If you broke up with him for other reasons (as identified in your post), are those reasons at all related to this? If they are, I'd say your original decision to break up with him was probably the best one.