My Not So Private Journal

[Gimpyrks]

So much has/is/will be happening lately that I feel that i need to write it all down. I try to write in my diary but that usually ends up being all about boys and writing takes too long to get my thoughts on paper and I become impatient. So here goes nothing!

 

Past: Today I have been thinking so much about the past, mostly about a guy I had a thing with two (will be three) summers ago. It's so funny how his memories are the ones I cherish the most. Out of all my ex's he is the only one I would get back together with if he ever showed up again. I haven't seen him in three years and I am sure he has moved on, which is great for him. He was unlike any guy I dated and there were no bad moments, except for when we went our separate ways. I blame the 'break up' on the fact that I was going away several states away for school, and that he was living with his ex. Stress and insecurities were on the high and I over reacted to things, but he didn't react in the right way either. But that summer was amazing and I had the best time of my life. It's hard to think about trying to have a summer again with someone because I always think of him when I think of summer.

 

Present: My grandmother moved out of her house (my grandfather and sister stayed behind) for six weeks. She is so tired of living in a house where she does all the cleaning and no one thinks about what she may need. My grandmother means the world to me, but I'm sadden that she is unable to live at home and be stress free. She moved in with my Aunt and Uncle and I already see changes in her mood and sleeping habits. She says she is moved out for six weeks to let my grandfather and sister realize how much they take her for granted. Also this sister that lived with my grandparents is moving out and moving in with her boyfriend in a trailer they are going to rent together. This leaves my grandfather all alone. I know he can take care of himself but living alone in a huge house for six weeks is a big change, but hopefully a wake up call.

 

Future: So much health stuff has been going wrong with me lately. Doctors have been trying to decide if I have RA or not. The blood work says I do, or that I will get it, but my symptoms don't say RA, they say that my pain comes from overuse. Last week I came down with pericarditis, which is the inflammation of the sac around your heart so when your heart beats it rubs up against the sac and causes pain. I was in the ER twice in a 24 hour period. The pain is gone now due to being on some good anti-inflammatories, but when my PCP looked at my chest x-rays she was baffled. Not related to my chest, but she says I have arthritis in my spine. I'm only 21 years old, I should be living a healthy life, not one of medical mystery. I know so many diseases (and the doctors are thinking it is auto-immune) are treatable with medications, but I never saw myself on being on a medication for my whole life. It's just another thing that has me shaking my head and wondering what I did to deserve this. This does seem a little over dramatic but when you have already had 7 surgeries on your feet, and now this medical mystery, you get tired of being sick/injured really quickly.

[Gimpyrks]

Starting out to be a pretty good day! Sun is out though it is chilly, perfect capris weather in my mind!

 

I saw my current crush two nights ago in class and I had apologized for leaving him to do all the horse stalls on Sunday (we work together) and I told him I had gone to the ER twice. My was kind of turned away by his response. All he said was "wow"...not "are you okay?" "what happened?". I didn't expect him to be super concerned but when I had told people I barley know about what happened they showed more concern than he did. He has done this a few times, really talkative to me some days, and then will be very to him self and not much talking on others. So I have decided that I'm not really crushing on him anymore lol, I'm just over it. He seems like a decent guy but not someone I'd want to get into a relationship with *shrug*. But it was fun while it lasted!

 

Summer is coming up quickly and I'm super excited! I can't wait to be swimming, fishing, camping, fourwheeling! I think this year I am going to go on a couple hiking trails that I wanted to hike last year but never had time to. I also plan on going back to a swimming hole that a guy and I (read post above) use to visit all the time. Though I'm sure this is a HORRIBLE idea, the swimming hole is a great place! Crystal clear lake and not many people know about it. Since I have a new job and I won't be home much this summer I just want to find someone to do my adventures with. Sure I agree it's fun to do stuff on your own, but I love the company.

 

Next week is pretty busy for me. I have my job orientation, going to view a new apartment, a follow up doctors appointment, and an echocardiogram. Mom is trying to get my echo done tomorrow while I'm home so they will have it before my doctors appointment so we'll see.

 

Pretty jambled thoughts this morning but at least wanted to get them down.

[Gimpyrks]

See it's already been forever since I last posted! I have a ton of stuff going on that I want to put on paper but I just don't want to put the effort in. Actually, that seems to be the story of my life right now.

 

I had to quit my job at the barn I was working at and I feel like my boss back stabbed me in the process. Too long of a story to get into but my boss new from square one of when I was looking for a new job due to medical reasons, I told her when I got my first interview, and when I accepted the new job, and gave her my two weeks. I only worked on the weekends but out of those two weeks I only work one day because she had other people work in my place, and the reasonings were dumb.

 

Oh my gosh I've already lost interest in continuing, I have no idea whats going on with my attention span lately, maybe its because school is almost done for the semester and I"m just mentally wiped.

 

I started my new job last monday at McD's and I love it so far!

[Gimpyrks]

Woo post 3 and I started this journal months ago.

 

I did something I'm kind of already regretting. I sent you an e-mail. Work was awesome and allowed me to get my mind off of the dream I had of you last night. I cannot express how disapointed I was when I woke up and realized it was a dream. It's also sad that I would still take you back after two years of not talking or seeing you. What would I do if you replied? What did I expect to come out of it? Gosh it is so stupid that I'm still hung up on you. I miss how we did everything that summer, and I want a summer like that again. Maybe it's not you that I miss but the idea of having someone to do everything with. You really turned into my best friend, how cliche, how pathetic. Even if we did by some miracle chance became friends again, there is no way my family would approve. We kid about that summer now, but I believe that they all know that you meant a lot to me and that I did get hurt when you decided to leave. I feel that you telling me that you are now happily married would help me move on. I beat myself up knowing that I'm still hung up on you.

[Gimpyrks]

Found you on facebook, looks like you are still with the 'ex' that you were still living with when we were dating. Ouch, but I hope you are happy.

[Gimpyrks]

The e mail I sent to him yesterday was to his gmail. I'm debating weather to send one to his facebook. i'm much better today than I was yesterday but still sad inside. I guess I feel like most people I know are either dating or have found that special someone. I'm only 21 and I know I have my whole life still ahead of me, but at the same time I feel like such a huge chunk has already passed.

 

I have asked a couple friends to plan a day hiking trip and hope this will cure me of my sadness of the past. Next week I am also going to go camping to a campground I have gone to since I was a child and will be hanging out with my 'second mom' (really my old boss but like a mother to me!)