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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


NorthDallas40

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23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes if she turns out to be a person who is selfish I agree.  I don't agree with all of how you interpreted their interactions.  I don't think she was ever that into him.  That could change of course - but in this situation the first impressions she's made says to me she is not that into him and that their dynamic is off because he pushed for the covid tests so they could be intimate and she retreated then gave in.  Just doesn't seem overall very positive for the future.  She could change her behavior in bed if she desired- that's all I meant.  I don't think it's been weeks and weeks - and he didn't see her that often till now.

So to me they don't yet have a relationship -they've been on a handful of dates, they've had sex for the last week or so - and in the future this might become a relationship - but right now they're newly dating and with a lot of stops and starts, hot and cold (certainly he has been consistent and persistent -this is on her, dragging her feet, unreliable, flaky, ambivalent).  To me if it's this much trouble so early on it's not worth the trouble.  Having said that I am sorry I didn't focus on the part where he was open to communicating with her specifically about her sexual behavior -sex is a huge priority for him in particular and he often chooses to have sex early on after meeting someone - getting sexual early on is very important to him too.  That's his way of doing things.

I think she's withholding because she basically always was -she got more interested but not in a normal progression of things -people who are interested in each other -typically it's not back and forth -it progresses over time, sometimes a longer period of time but it's more or less a progression not stop and start hot/cold/flaky.  And adults who realize that they're not ready will back off right away and communicate "I loved our first meet and I realize I can't date right now because work is too crazy" -and they don't lead the person on - and sometimes those people come back after a time and start over -and then it's a normal progression because the person is ready.  I think she's not putting in the effort to know where she herself stands and she's all over the place with him instead of being honest with herself and honest with him.  

I say this knowing there are exceptions -course of true love not running smooth and all.  But broadly speaking I think if a person is doing the push pull thing (except maybe in the very beginning the woman letting the man do more of the asking out -but enthusiastically accepting!) it's just not a good sign and often it's not "personal" - I think from the beginning he was in a mindset of normal progression -even his planning of outings was like that - progressing in time, progressing in doing different activities, asking her out on a regular basis in the beginning -and she just wasn't responding in kind. 

So maybe she had this kinda lightbulb moment "wow I'm really into him I realized! and I had a covid test so now I can be intimate with him!" - but I honestly don't think so because of what happened before.  I think she figured -why the heck not try out this real dating thing with him - I don't have much else going on -and since I know we don't really have enough in common and on top of that he wants to smoke weed which I'm uncomfortable with I'll have some covid-safe fun, he plans really good dates and then I'll send him pictures of chickens to keep the door open in case i want to have some more fun nights that he plans." 

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After texting a bit earlier, SHANDA called and we had a fun 30-40 minute convo. She's coming over this Fri or Sat, I'll make Thai food, and I'll bring up the intimacy issues diplomatically. Maybe frame it as "we seem to have different love languages right now and I'd really like it if we can understand better what each other wants" or somesuch soft-pedaling.

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4 hours ago, NorthDallas40 said:

After texting a bit earlier, SHANDA called and we had a fun 30-40 minute convo. She's coming over this Fri or Sat, I'll make Thai food, and I'll bring up the intimacy issues diplomatically. Maybe frame it as "we seem to have different love languages right now and I'd really like it if we can understand better what each other wants" or somesuch soft-pedaling.

Sounds like a great plan.  Again it's impressive (I know, I'm not among your favorite posters, understatement) - FWIW how you plan even what could be just a chill on the couch evening - adding that little twist/something new to try makes all the difference IMO.

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43 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Right, I agree on this sadly.  

A woman who is super into a man... she'll show it more by doing things.  Action over words kind of thing.  

I don't even think she has to be super into (note that this use of super was not in use when I dated or when "just not that into you" became a trendy phrases lol).  I think people who are interested in developing a relationship/getting to know someone -especially in a dating context -will show it by their actions. In dating I assume many women may tend toward the more traditional where they let the man do more of the asking out in the beginning but those women will still respond with enthusiasm, be reliable about the plan, show up unless there's an emergency.  And I mean just women who have a normal interest level -no need to be "super" into the person to show that level of enthusiasm/response.  

Reading ND 40's latest convo/plan it sounds like she is interested in seeing him again and he is interested in exploring further what might or might not be going on sexually.

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16 hours ago, NorthDallas40 said:

After texting a bit earlier, SHANDA called and we had a fun 30-40 minute convo. She's coming over this Fri or Sat, I'll make Thai food, and I'll bring up the intimacy issues diplomatically. Maybe frame it as "we seem to have different love languages right now and I'd really like it if we can understand better what each other wants" or somesuch soft-pedaling.

I know I'm not a man lol... but if I were a man... I'd wonder if she could cook....  

Has she ever cooked for you yet?  To me, it'd make sense to switch off sometime and let her entertain you!

 

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11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And I mean just women who have a normal interest level -no need to be "super" into the person to show that level of enthusiasm/response.

Maybe I'm using the wrong words...  When I said, "super into," him, I specifically mean extremely turned on by him.

I don't think men should settle for women who are just, "meh," about them sexually, I think it causes horrible problems later on in the marriage.  But that's just my opinion.

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11 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Maybe I'm using the wrong words...  When I said, "super into," him, I specifically mean extremely turned on by him.

I don't think men should settle for women who are just, "meh," about them sexually, I think it causes horrible problems later on in the marriage.  But that's just my opinion.

Of course - that's obvious - - and I think a risk to having sex right away is you can't tell if it's a meh issue or something else and because you don't know each other well it makes it more difficult to communicate -often people just move on because why bother with someone you're not yet committed to and someone you don't know well. He said he plans to address it with her.  She may be really into him and not ready yet to express it with intercourse especially during covid times (and that might be part of the reluctance about oral sex -meaning people have all sorts of fears now that are not entirely consistent and show in their sometimes strange actions/reactions-for example "I only do instacart but went to my neighbor's house for a barbecue".    

I see them as newly dating, not in any kind of serious relationship right now, he persisted for a covid test so they could be intimate, she agreed -and she is an adult so of course I'm not saying she was pressured.  But he's been the driver in this effort so as a result she may not have been the most enthusiastic lover -both because it was so early on and because of covid.  This is why I think - IMHO -it's smart that he plans to raise the subject with her.  Certainly if she was uncomfortable getting tested and having sex with him that's on her - she should have insisted on waiting (in which case he likely would have stopped dating her because he prioritizes having sex early on in dating/meeting someone so someone who does not is not for him.)

Edited by Batya33
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SHANDA came over on Friday night and left today (Sunday 5pm) and we had a good time. I cooked a lot, we did a short hike, talked a lot, and watched some movies I recommended (and she liked). Plus, sex got incrementally better this time (I orgasmed twice, though no oral sex), so I didn't feel the need to have "a talk" about it. She's still not fully on the same page with me sexually, but we're getting there, and right now it's at a point that I'm ok with. I can look forward to having sex with her now.

Overall, she seems to be more comfortable with me and is suggesting snacks and coffee for me to have on hand when she comes over, so I can assume we'll still be seeing each other every weekend moving forward. Plus I got a decent goodbye kiss this time :D

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