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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


NorthDallas40

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Is she still married? Why does her husband not care?

 

It was a phony marriage, I remember. She wasn't even in the country legally. I remember because I asked ND if it bothered him knowing that about her and he defended it with saying she deserved to be in the US more than Trump. That stuck in my brain.

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It was a phony marriage, I remember. She wasn't even in the country legally. I remember because I asked ND if it bothered him knowing that about her and he defended it with saying she deserved to be in the US more than Trump. That stuck in my brain.

 

I predict she will stay married as long as she needs to to establish as legit in the country and divorce if she knew ND would marry her and immediately marry him. But I have been known to be wrong. I am wondering why she didn't propose to ND in the first place.

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  • 4 months later...

I got furloughed in mid-March due to Covid. I'm due to go back on Sept 1 but it's doubtful. So for the past three months I've been on unemployment for the first time in my 50 years. I've been applying to 20-40 jobs per day for the past month and a half, but so far it's only resulted in scams and callbacks that don't pan out.

 

I was in three bands at the start of the pandemic, and we had to cancel a total of 12 shows in March. One band broke up due to the guitarist moving away, *my* band also lost its guitarist to moving, and the third band had no change. But no band has played or rehearsed since then.

 

I haven't really been pursuing dating, just idly swiping left here and there. I went on two masked, outdoor walking dates this week though:

 

KIKI (44, 5'5", Taiwanese-American music history professor): we had a good phone call, texted a lot about movies and TV shows, had a lot in common, our walk was 2+ hours and fun, she clearly liked me, and she was cute and smart. When I texted about a 2nd meetup, she requested a phone chat. I called the next day, we had a good convo for 30-40 minutes and she ended it by saying she just wanted to be friends.

 

JENN (allegedly 44 but could be 50 or 52, 5'4", Chinese animator): we had a good phone call, exchanged a few light texts, had fun walking for 2+ hours talking about hiking, our parents and politics. Physically she's attractive and my type, has a very laidback vibe despite being very successful and active, but has a fairly pronounced accent. I texted about a 2nd hiking meetup, she immediately accepted, I asked about a day to meet, she said she'd check her schedule, and that was over 24 hours ago.

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Note: KIKI was never married (she turned down the one proposal she was offered), has FIVE degrees, and is an admitted type-A personality.

 

JENN has been separated for 2-3 years with no divorce but hasn't seen her husband, who lives in another country, for at least a year. She said they have some jointly-owned non-USA property issues to work out, and the pandemic has made it difficult to resolve.

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ND40 am sending you the best possible luck and thoughts for you to find a new job. I am employed but a close family member is not, is financially struggling and to add insult to injury she is a massage therapist in one of the hot spot states- her place reopened but is apparently not observing proper protocols. Since she is very close to the older age group that is supposed to be extra careful she has not gone back. I don't blame her one bit of course and am trying to help her as are other family members. She's a really hard worker too.

 

Edited to add -she used to sing a lot -in bands too many years ago. She said she and her friend tried to sing using facetime and it was "meh" But I think they still meet virtually from time to time.

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After some sporadic texting over the past 4 days about scheduling our 2nd date hike, JENN moved it from today to "early next week."

 

The ball's in her court, but I'm assuming she's forfeited the game.

 

I also got a pretty Hinge match who was responding enthusiastically and promptly... until I gave her my number, at which point she stopped communicating.

 

In all three of this week's cases, I'm wondering if my unemployed status is partially driving their lack of interest. Because the two women I met in person are in highly accomplished positions that haven't been affected by Covid in the slightest.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Good fortune smiled:

 

- This week I got a new contract fulltime job in my field that pays the same salary as I was making when I was furloughed in March. Good timing, considering the extra $600/wk from the Feds expired. I was brought on by an ex-coworker and I report directly to him, so I've got someone in my corner. It may very well turn into a permanent position, and when I told my old employer, he was desperate to have me back when he's up and running again. So workwise I'm in a good place after 5 months of uncertainty.

 

- Took a COVID test yesterday, today the results came in, and I *don't* have it!

 

Been chatting with a photographer/florist who seems cool and we're trying to set up a time to meet, but dating is the least of my concerns at the moment.

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Good fortune smiled:

 

- This week I got a new contract fulltime job in my field that pays the same salary as I was making when I was furloughed in March. Good timing, considering the extra $600/wk from the Feds expired. I was brought on by an ex-coworker and I report directly to him, so I've got someone in my corner. It may very well turn into a permanent position, and when I told my old employer, he was desperate to have me back when he's up and running again. So workwise I'm in a good place after 5 months of uncertainty.

 

- Took a COVID test yesterday, today the results came in, and I *don't* have it!

 

Been chatting with a photographer/florist who seems cool and we're trying to set up a time to meet, but dating is the least of my concerns at the moment.

 

Great news all around!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I continued texting the aforementioned photographer/florist FOTOFLORA (44, 5'6", Chinese-American) after we had a nice phone convo, she was very responsive, she typically replied in about 10-30 minutes, and her replies were typically about 10x longer than mine; she's a Chatty Cathy.

 

We finally met for a walk in her friend's neighborhood at 4pm this past Saturday; they were meeting at her friend's place at 5 or 6 for dinner. She looked great, was very pleasant, smart and talkative, and seemed a bit awkward and nerdy in a good way. I liked her, she seemed to have fun hanging out with me, and she was surprised that 90 minutes had elapsed so quickly when we were done.

 

When I got home, she texted to thank me for meeting up, and shared a funny anecdote about going to her friend's place after we parted. I replied that I had fun too, and would love to meet up again.

 

It's been about 36 hours and no reply.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

None of the three women I met in person since July panned out. 1 rejection, 1 agreed to a 2nd date but flaked, 1 never responded.

 

But this past Wednesday night I took a masked evening hike with CMB match SHANDA (40, 5'8", environmental attorney, Chinese- or Korean-American, didn't ask). She's super cute, kinda nerdy/dorky, smart, slim, concerned about progressive social justice issues and seems sweet & kind-hearted with a good relationship with her parents.

 

I didn't know if we had much in common in terms of music/movies, but we clicked in a lot of other ways. At the end of our 1-hour hike, she asked if I wanted to continue walking somewhere, so we went to another nearby park to sit and talk for about another hour. Unmasked, she was better looking than her pics, and she seemed to enjoy my company.

 

The next morning I texted her an invite to hike this weekend. Later that evening she accepted, suggesting late Sat afternoon (today) to meet, with the caveat that she was waiting on a long-distance food delivery that she had to be present at her sister's house to receive, so her plans were contingent on that. We finalized plans last night, and she just texted now that she can meet at 4pm today.

 

My gut feeling is really good with SHANDA, but I'm trying to keep my optimism in check. If date #3 doesn't happen I'll be bummed, but it was nice to spend an evening with a cute, nice stranger. Fingers crossed.

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Yesterday SHANDA and I ended up hiking at the same park as before (her choice, it's near her place) and had a fun chat/walk for 2 hours.

 

Masks & social distancing have made making the first move difficult of course, plus I tested negative for COVID earlier this week (I don't know her status), so there was nothing physical beyond an elbow bump.

 

So this morning I texted her an invite for a 3rd outing, "with the caveat that I may try to give you a kiss." Hopefully that will break that section of ice in a respectful manner and also prompt her to make a decision one way or the other if she's on the fence about me. I'm ok either way.

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Covid could be a great teacher for you, ND.

You won't get involved in a sexually satisfying but mentally dull or weird relationship because of Covid.

Everybody gets that you have to social distance and stuff so there won't be any offense if physicalness doesn't happen on x number date, on both ends, either feeling she is not interested if she doesn't initiate or accept the physical, nor feeling pressured to go there (it sounded before like you had an internal deadline of when you got physical and if it exceeded that time, she is not interested). there is less temptation to accept a weird living situation, someone still married or someone crazy.

 

Actually, sometimes a slow burn is more satisfying and you can fully vet someone before.

 

In this day and age, covid tests are the new "have you been tested?" question. And bonus, it doesn't imply someone is filthy or promiscuous for someone to be offended

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I emailed SHANDA this morning about some stuff we talked about on our walk, requested that she get a COVID test before we meet up next time (they're free and convenient where we live; I even gave her a test site address that's within 3 miles of her), and asked if she was free to chat on the phone tonight to discuss plans for a venue.

 

She replied this afternoon that she wanted to "slow things down" and not meet up for a couple of weeks since she's "at her germiest maximum" from visiting family this past weekend and will be visiting them again next weekend as well, so she wanted to respect my COVID concerns.

 

I texted back that worked for me, asked if she wanted to pencil in a date, and suggested we could touch base a week before the date she chose. Waiting on her reply.

 

Part of me thinks she's being 100% genuine and that she *does* wants to meet up (and make out), but as a Yale biology undergrad, is aware that COVID can have up to a 2-week incubation period and wants to take the best necessary precautions for my sake. Hopefully that's the case.

 

But the pre-COVID dating part of me sees this delay as a stalling tactic to either a) see how her dates with other guy(s) work out, or b) let me down gently by just fading away like the link in my signature.

 

Luckily I'm not very emotionally invested nor am I in a rush, so I'll just see what SHANDA ends up doing & saying from here.

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Why can't she meet up for a socially distanced date? I'm surprised she did not suggest that. At least you get to know each other more. And no test needed. Or does she think you're being overly cautious? I don't FWIW. Years ago I had a meet up with a woman who'd just moved to my city from my home city, as suggested by a mutual friend (meaning a potential new "mom friend" for both of us). She suggested an awesome restaurant -mexican I think. But a few days before there was a vast food poisoning/salmonella outbreak linked to cilantro. As luck would have it cilantro was a focus at this restaurant plus I'm particularly worried about food poisioning and could imagine the cilantro getting into or near other foods that didn't have it. Not eating was not an option. I felt really awkward suggesting a different restaurant and was open about why -otherwise it would have seemed really weird. She was "fine" with it and the alternative place was nearby (in fact I think she then recommended another ethnic restaurant I would have loved --- but again, cilantro issues).

 

I always got the sense that I'd blown it as a first impression because I came across as picky/too germ-sensitive - not when we met at the chosen restaurant - but the back and forth in advance. Mom friend stuff is like dating (I don't look for "mom friends" but made an exception because of our mutual friend and common interests aside from mom stuff). I think unfortunately with covid it's such a sensitive topic for many - and so many have various sensitivities to germs, etc that when it's someone you don't know well there's a higher chance of the conversation not going well or one person thinking the other is too high maintenance. I think you did the right thing - and I think she was put off for her own reasons and/or looking for an excuse to be put off.

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Among other things, SHANDA's profile says she's looking for "someone who makes plans" and "takes coronavirus seriously," plus she's a science nut. So she could be genuinely taking precautions to make sure we're both safe enough to kiss when we see each other again.

 

On the other hand, not only did she kick that can down the road for an unspecified "couple of weeks," but she implicitly turned down my offer to chat on the phone last night. I'd think if the she were truly interested, she'd want to keep in touch periodically until date #3.

 

It just goes to show that even when you give someone an exit ramp (like being clear I want to kiss her on a 3rd date if she accepts the offer), and they don't take it (she accepted the 3rd date offer, kiss and all)... they still might decide to throw the car in reverse and take the exit after all, even less than 24 hours later.

 

Oh well, all I can do is wait for her reply. If she replies.

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Among other things, SHANDA's profile says she's looking for "someone who makes plans" and "takes coronavirus seriously," plus she's a science nut. So she could be genuinely taking precautions to make sure we're both safe enough to kiss when we see each other again.

 

On the other hand, not only did she kick that can down the road for an unspecified "couple of weeks," but she implicitly turned down my offer to chat on the phone last night. I'd think if the she were truly interested, she'd want to keep in touch periodically until date #3.

 

It just goes to show that even when you give someone an exit ramp (like being clear I want to kiss her on a 3rd date if she accepts the offer), and they don't take it (she accepted the 3rd date offer, kiss and all)... they still might decide to throw the car in reverse and take the exit after all, even less than 24 hours later.

 

Oh well, all I can do is wait for her reply. If she replies.

 

I agree with all of this! I'd feel frustrated by her behavior.

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SHANDA just replied:

 

"Let's check in with each other in a couple of weeks?"

 

I'll tell her that works for me, and leave it at that.

 

Then I'll text her exactly 2 weeks from today and see what happens.

 

But my gut reaction is that SHANDA killing the momentum in this manner (and as a question, not even a statement!) is simply the typical passive-aggressive way of blowing someone off without telling them directly. Again, the link in my signature details this phenomenon in full.

 

In the meantime, I just got two other attractive CMB matches and have plenty of work, weed & movies to keep me occupied if nothing pans out.

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I'm sorry. No harm in texting her but she left it as she could check in with you - so you aren't obliged to (meaning you wouldn't be flaking if you did not). I would simply move on at this point. If this was really about covid she'd want to stay in contact -not daily contact because you just met - but certainly every couple of days. Just like someone who suddenly has to go out of town for a few weeks right after meeting someone new -they wouldn't want the external circumstance to harm the momentum. (Like my friend's husband who she met online shortly before her mother passed away from cancer - he showed up for the daily visitation after the funeral (the way it was done in that religion) for a week and made polite conversation with strangers - that he showed up, every day, told her he was a keeper).

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I agree with you - she's not interested. I'm so sorry. Turning down the phone call (with no explanation or that she'd call you as soon as she was free another time?) and then her text to meet again in two weeks is inconsistent and strange. I agree with Batya but for me, it's based on her turning down a phone call. Anytime I've been interested in someone, I've loved chatting with that person on the phone. I wouldn't text her two weeks from now... but up to you.

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