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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


NorthDallas40

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Remember, to each his own. YOU are picky. You like a certain ethnicity, size, look on a girl. Probably makes them about an "8" or "9" to various folks.

 

To be honest, in terms of physical appearance I'm really just trying to find my equal in female form: average height, healthy, fit, reasonably attractive face, reasonably stylish dresser, etc. I'm not trying to date models here, just someone who complements me. I take care in my hygiene, health, weight & clothing so I think it's reasonable to expect the same in a partner.

 

I think if I showed my friends the girls I've "rejected," on a purely physical basis they'd probably agree that we wouldn't look good together, for whatever that's worth.

 

Women want from guys just what you want from women. I suspect (and I may be wrong) you are like "Wynn" to them ... you seem more like a buddy then a sexual, romantic partner.

 

I actually consider myself a fairly sexual & romantic person and several past girlfriends have verbally confirmed it! And remember - WYNN & I had sex many times. It was her very non-sexual demeanor outside the bedroom that was a bit of a turn-off.

 

So for the benefit of myself and any other guys reading this thread:

 

Apart from someone's natural appearance, what are 5 ways a man can show a woman on a first date that he's sexual & romantic... without seeming like a creep?

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Attractive girls generally aren't into me. No matter that I'm drama-free, stable, employed, ok-looking, clean, disease-free, friendly, interesting, funny, in shape, healthy, sociable, positive (despite this post), talented, and creative. Because they're into hot guys. Full stop. And I'm not a 10, I'm a 6 or 7 on a good day. Nothing else seems to matter.

 

I can relate. I'm all of those things (except for sociable), and I deal with the exact same issue. You've said that you want a female version of you, in a sense--unfortunately, women want better, not the same. The 8s are looking for 10s, the 6s are looking for 8s, and so on. I think that women generally want a guy two leagues better than they are, which is why I'm a 6 or 7 that gets interest from 4s and 5s (I run away, I assure you). I think that guys like us are fallback options for women. They know that there's a lot of us out there, so they swing for the fences with the alpha males for a while, just in case they can make that work. If not, there's always the guys they took for granted.

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I can relate. I'm all of those things (except for sociable), and I deal with the exact same issue. You've said that you want a female version of you, in a sense--unfortunately, women want better, not the same. The 8s are looking for 10s, the 6s are looking for 8s, and so on. I think that women generally want a guy two leagues better than they are, which is why I'm a 6 or 7 that gets interest from 4s and 5s (I run away, I assure you). I think that guys like us are fallback options for women. They know that there's a lot of us out there, so they swing for the fences with the alpha males for a while, just in case they can make that work. If not, there's always the guys they took for granted.

 

I don't know, I tend to see more "hotter" women with "average" men - as long as those men have something else going for them other than looks. Women are attracted to intelligence, humor, status, and wealth in addition to looks. An average-looking guy can have a shot with a woman "out of his league" if he brings something else to the table. Guys, however, will overlook a lot of character flaws in a woman if they are smoking hot - at least for a while. But, like the cliche goes, "No matter how beautiful she is, somewhere somebody is tired of her s***."

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Guest AllSaints

ND40 and BlueSpiral, I have to respectfully disagree with you. I do think there are a few women who fit the type you described but for the most part, I observe way more men with women who are more attractive than them. I think it's because most women (being as vain as we are) want to be the cuter one in a pair!

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I respectfully disagree ND. Ratings are subjective. It seems a lot of people regardless of gender start to get very entitled to finding the type of person they want. For their own reasons the women did not feel you complimented them.

 

This has been the same game since the beginning. When you seemed to have more options you laid out all the things women were doing to turn you off. Now that it is not panning out you are starting. to suggest that it's the women with the high standards.

 

Both you and the women have standards.

 

In terms of things you can do ... those are pretty standard. Flirt, touch her light touching on the arm, have good eye contact, have good listening skills, and make her laugh. But not every girl is going to be interested so try not to take one or two dates seriously.

 

I still think though that for the types of girls you are into they can get very high quality men.

 

I am surprised you rate yourself as a 6.

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IDK, ND40. I read this entire thread and while it is very entertaining it is also very disappointing for others that are considering online dating. I mean you have been on a ton of dates and haven't made it past the 3rd date except for Wynn. You have probably put in more effort than most, certainly more effort than I would and haven't managed to enter into a relationship. I'm starting to feel like online dating would be a waste of time for me given that most of the women you have met have been DUDS. Although, you have met some cool people and overall sounds like you have had a good time participating in online dating.

 

 

Do you think you are still a little hung up on your EX which is preventing you to see the real beauty in these other women? And, did your EX end up getting back with the person she dated prior to you? Based on your last convo with her, it seemed like she still had feelings for him or at the very least missed that old relationship.

 

I am part of your fan club and am pulling for you. You have a ton of interest, hobbies, humor, well-paying job (all that you have described about yourself before). Is there something you're not telling us???? Like do you have 1 leg or nubs for hands? JK

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IDK, ND40. I read this entire thread and while it is very entertaining it is also very disappointing for others that are considering online dating. I mean you have been on a ton of dates and haven't made it past the 3rd date except for Wynn.

 

Yep, by the numbers it's pretty pathetic. I've messaged probably 400+ women by now but only dated 20 of them, and 1 of them was from FB, not OKC.

 

Do you think you are still a little hung up on your EX which is preventing you to see the real beauty in these other women?

 

Not really. I miss her, but time (and lack of dating success) has helped a lot in helping me get some perspective. I'm not expecting to find her exact replacement as I may have before.

 

That said, my standards haven't lowered so much that I'll settle for someone I'm not attracted to. I can always see the real beauty in women, but if I'm not attracted then I'm ok being just friends.

 

And, did your EX end up getting back with the person she dated prior to you? Based on your last convo with her, it seemed like she still had feelings for him or at the very least missed that old relationship.

 

She did start seeing someone but she said it wasn't her ex. She made it pretty clear that even though he was "the love of her life" (rolls eyes), they would NEVER get back together again.

 

I believe her, because we had that convo 4 months after we broke up; there was no reason for her to lie at that point.

 

I am part of your fan club and am pulling for you. You have a ton of interest, hobbies, humor, well-paying job (all that you have described about yourself before). Is there something you're not telling us???? Like do you have 1 leg or nubs for hands? JK

 

Ha thanks for the support. And no, my body is intact (for which I'm very grateful), but I'm 43 and not Brad Pitt. That's not the greatest combination! But as others have pointed out, I realize that I may be setting my sights a bit high as far as women's attractiveness goes and so I'm rejected by lots of women who could quite frankly do better than me.

 

Now that doesn't feel good, but for the moment - previous venting post aside - I'm ok with shooting high and coming close (I'm getting dates, at least) vs. aiming low and being in a relationship I feel I settled for. That wouldn't be fair to anyone.

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In better news, at rehearsal today I was talking with a bandmember I met this week and when I told him my age, he was stunned. He said that from my demeanor and how I looked, he thought I was 32.

 

Which was funny because I thought he was that age too... but he was actually 25!

 

I also got a reply from to a new OKC message I sent this morning to MASA ( 38 ). I wasn't surprised though; she seems a bit "crazy cat lady" -ish and though she seems cute in her two pics, it's hard to say if she's actually pretty or not.

 

Hi ND40,

Are you telling me that you would like to volunteer caring for cats? =^..^= I am in the IT industry too. I make web and iPhone apps. It sounds like we have things in common Let's talk!

- masa

 

In any case, we have a 92% match, she's vegan and seems like a nice person, so I'll definitely reply and I'm almost positive we'll end up meeting.

 

Finally, while DJing an outdoor festival today, MISSY replied to the text I sent four hours earlier... and I was totally primed for the worst.

 

"I did (get your VM). Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. Been so busy prepping for next week and just catching up on some chores. But yes lets plan something. Maybe next weekend."

 

Again she's not exactly brimming with enthusiasm but whoa...I guess it does pay to make an extra followup sometimes.

 

And she's not kidding about being busy. She just moved to a new place, was training out of town for a week right after, and now has to implement the training into a new program in addition to her already heavy workload.

 

Anyone care to start a betting pool on the chances of this 2nd date happening?

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Sorry ND40 but I don't think the chances of a second date with Missy are very high. I've been genuinely busy lately also but I've still made sure I've replied to the people I am talking to outside of PoF.

 

If I wanted a second date with you I wouldn't have said - maybe next weekend - I would have said - are you free next weekend?

 

I think the "maybe" means she's setting up to flake.

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I texted MISSY about 9 hours ago, saying

 

Cool - Saturday work for you? I got Little Bro on Sunday.

 

No response yet.

 

I also messaged MASA less than 8 hours ago:

 

Haha I said I'm *able* to care for cats... not necessarily willing! But that's cool you make apps. What kind? I'm more on the design side. I'm bad at programming so my skills are limited to HTML & CSS (and copy/pasting PHP haha). But yes, let's chat - I'm at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you'd like to talk on the phone or meet for drinks/dinner, whatever's more comfortable for you.

 

And as if by contrast, I got a response just now.

 

My new app is for crazy animal people. Should be released soon. Stay tuned! I will text you tomorrow. Good night

 

So at least I was right about the crazy cat lady thing. Can't wait.

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Yesterday I messaged a new OKC person JACQUI ( 38 ) who is in my city for the summer. So even though the likelihood of something longterm is unlikely, and she only had 1 photo (always a red flag), I figured why not.

 

Hey Jacqui-

I haven't read that Patti Smith book, but I'll always give points to someone who includes it in their reading list. I think we also have some similar movie tastes... I liked TERRI as well, and was even more surprised when I watched the credits and saw that my friend worked on it. Anyway, if you'd like to meet for drinks sometime let me know,

- ND40

 

She just replied today.

 

hi ND40,

so glad you saw Terri. not everyone has heard of that. but then of course you seem like an encyclopedia of pop culture knowledge! I haven't heard of most of what you listed.

sure lets grab a drink some time. I'm new to ___ and have been slowly getting to know the city and people here. Let me know what's good for you- I'm pretty flexible

Jacqui

 

I'm busy 3 nights this week rehearsing & gigging with 2 bands, but I'm going to see if she's up for something late night. Getting drinks was her idea btw; on her profile she says it's a great way to get to know someone. Which could be good or bad!

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Ive read this entire thread. You seem smart but are too focused on looks. Never ceases to amaze me the number of guys that feel entitled to a girl much more attractive than them and anything less is "settling"

 

As I've said before, I'm not looking for models, or girls who are "much more attractive" than I am. I'm looking for a woman who is "in my league," based on how attractive my past girlfriends / hookups / have been.

 

Sure, girls who are "out of my league" sometimes agree to a date. My apologies for being so shallow as to accept!

 

In the end, I want to be physically attracted to my partner so that we can have a good sex life and so I'm not tempted to cheat. I think that's reasonable, even commendable.

 

And let's face it, it works both ways. I'm positive that many of the girls I've dated have been even MORE focused on looks than I am. That's life.

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Aaaaaand as predicted by two ENA'ers, I just got this text from MISSY:

 

"ND40... I'm going to have postpone our next meetup. I forgot that I was ask to speak at a young adult retreat. Ill be gone this friday and saturday"

 

Oh well. I'll text her back tomorrow to let me know when she's free and leave it there.

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Online dating is a waste of time in my opinion. I've spent several years on POF, OKC and a few other sites... dated a few girls and never went beyond 1-2 dates. To me, it simply isn't worth the time and effort you put into it. While I do acknowledge that dating online can work, the odds are significantly higher of finding success if you are a girl. For most guys, you have almost no hope, no matter what you do, unless you are ridiculously good-looking or plain lucky.

 

I don't mean to derail this thread, but wanted to post my own thoughts on this.

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Online dating is a waste of time in my opinion. I've spent several years on POF, OKC and a few other sites... dated a few girls and never went beyond 1-2 dates. To me, it simply isn't worth the time and effort you put into it. While I do acknowledge that dating online can work, the odds are significantly higher of finding success if you are a girl. For most guys, you have almost no hope, no matter what you do, unless you are ridiculously good-looking or plain lucky.

 

I don't mean to derail this thread, but wanted to post my own thoughts on this.

 

Intuitively, this was my impression, and this thread has only served to reinforce it.

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I'm saddened to see the turn this thread has taken, as I (recently out of a 12 year relationship and contemplating dabbling in the online dating world) had been watching/rooting intently at ND's quest. But alas, it does seem rather hopeless after all. No chance I'd be able to put in as much work/time/money as our hero did ... all to get what can mostly be described as "squat" in the end.

 

I was rooting specifically for a Missy/ND40 union, but it appears that such a happy ending's chance has shriveled up as much as my manhood does after a late night swim.

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Wow I've noticed this thread gets more responses when I have *bad* news to report! Come on guys.

 

Granted, I'm frustrated with the process as well. But hey, I've only been single for 8 months... not anywhere soon enough to lose hope. And one of those months was spent with Wynn, and two of them were spent not dating at all, so that's only 5 months really. Looking at it that way, I'm not discouraged.

 

Besides, since Kate dumped me I've lost 10 lbs., started flossing & exercising regularly, gotten a raise, become a Big Brother, had my car fixed, joined 3 bands, reduced my debt by $5K, added to my design portfolio, improved my wardrobe to the degree that people are complimenting me on it, gotten a haircut, found tons of great new hiking / dating / restaurant spots, made a few new friends... and I've had a lot of fun on most of my dates even when they didn't lead to a relationship.

 

In every way I'm a much better catch now than 8 months ago. And I've had many women message and "favorite" me on OKC... I just don't report on it much because they're not my type.

 

So why should I complain, really?

 

Sure, I really wanted Missy to come through... but she did at least say "postpone" and "next" so there's a sliver of hope.

 

And if not, there's more fish in the sea.

 

To wit: MASA just texted me her number.

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Online dating is a waste of time in my opinion.

 

I disagree. I met my last 2 girlfriends online, 3 if you count WYNN (which I admit is a bit of a stretch).

 

I've met just as many flaky chicks IRL as I have online... people are the same whether they're on a computer or not.

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While I do acknowledge that dating online can work, the odds are significantly higher of finding success if you are a girl. For most guys, you have almost no hope, no matter what you do, unless you are ridiculously good-looking or plain lucky.

 

If a girl finds "sucess" it's (usually) with a guy. That means a guy found success too. No need to be ridiculously good-looking ... just be normal and look for normal girls (online and in real life!)

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If a girl finds "sucess" it's (usually) with a guy. That means a guy found success too.

 

I'm pretty horrible at math, but the ratio of guys to girls on online dating sites is...a bit skewed, no? If a girl finds success with a guy, it means that she rejected/ignored another ten or twenty guys.

 

ND40: I actually think you'll end up finding someone, because you want to settle down. Online dating attracts a lot of women who are looking for that. I myself have stumbled accross a lot of them; if I lived in Texas, I'd send them your way.

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I left a voicemail with MASA after work last night, said I was in rehearsal til late so I'd call tonight. This morning she texted:

 

"Oops. I fell asleep... thanks for the phone call. Hope to talk to you soon!"

 

Also during rehearsal last night, JACQUI messaged me back:

 

"I'll give you a call some time if I'm out earlier in the evening. or we can look to next week. I'm kind of near ____ City. xxx-xxx-xxxx"

 

So it seems likely I'll meet both of these women, but I'm a bit wary of how much I'll like them when/if I do!

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So, NorthDallas40, a question: in the Dallas area, do you find a disproportionate number of the women on OKC are massage therapists, yoga instructors, or have other similar "new age-y" occupations? As I troll these dating sites, it seems like these are over-represented compared to the general population. Not that there's anything wrong with these jobs, but why are there so many women with them on dating websites?

 

I guess I'm sensing that there is a "type" of woman who is more likely to try online dating, but maybe it is just where I live.

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