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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


NorthDallas40

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Too bad about the serious smoking. That's not good. If you meet her, I predict she won't look nearly as good as her pictures, and she will probably look older than her age. Smoking really ages people. You can keep your looks and smoke for only so long before the damage starts showing... And could you imagine living with a serious smoker like that? Kissing them? *shudder* I'm sorry your bar has dropped so low; that is really depressing. Suddenly Cindy and her shady past aren't sounding so bad anymore... Have you heard anything more from her?

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oh wow, I just stumbled upon this thread, so interesting to read a guy's perspective on dating!

 

I just got out of a LTR and although don't want to be too quick to 'get back on the horse' and I've never done online dating before, your posts are a good way to ease into it. I'll keep reading for a while and in time perhaps sign up to a site myself ;-)

 

ps: it does seem very tiring... do you also meet women offline? Or is this your only 'source' of dates?

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- I haven't heard from Cindy since her message last week that she "really wants to get together soon." She even stopped commenting on my stuff on FB haha!

 

- I'm not *really* going to lower my standards, but I'm damn sure tempted!

 

- I do get out quite a bit socially and have met/hooked up with girls IRL, but online dating has yielded far more results than randomly trying to meet girls "out in the field." The problem is that I don't enjoy going to clubs/bars at age 43 as much as I did just a few years ago, and I don't want to date anyone in my social scene. So OKC is a far better option for me at the moment.

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Well I had another winning text convo with HANNAH this morning...

 

9:22am - ND40

If you promise to keep your phone charged I'll give you a call tonight. Deal?

 

9:23am - HANNAH

I'm sick. Its on the charger now.

 

9:36am - ND40

Oh no sorry to hear that. Cold? Food poisoning? Leprosy? At least it's more nap time for you.

 

9:42am - HANNAH

A cold.

 

 

](*,)

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Well I had another winning text convo with HANNAH this morning...

 

9:22am - ND40

If you promise to keep your phone charged I'll give you a call tonight. Deal?

 

9:23am - HANNAH

I'm sick. Its on the charger now.

 

9:36am - ND40

Oh no sorry to hear that. Cold? Food poisoning? Leprosy? At least it's more nap time for you.

 

9:42am - HANNAH

A cold.

 

 

](*,)

 

Haha! Yeah it seems like she doesn't really get your sense of humor....but hten again that could just be the wasy she is in texts maybe in person she reacts differently. Let's all hope so!

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Hannah sounds brutal. She doesn't KNOW you, and the first thing she did was complain about traffic. Now, her cold. I'm pretty sure she also hasn't asked you one question.

 

High maintenance and self-centered! Run!

 

YOU WERE NOT KIDDING.

 

I called her, left a vm, and she called back soon.

 

But OH. MY. GOD. I could not STAND talking to her. Annoying, talking over me, complaining about my city, bragging about her city, loves malls, nothing interesting to say, didn't really respond to anything I said, etc. And on top of that, she had a cold and was coughing half the time.

 

What's so crazy is that though she came off like a completely spoiled mallrat, she's taught english as a 2nd language in Japan and has been doing volunteer work for 15 years, including mentoring CHILDREN! I shudder to think of all the damage she's done!

 

I've never cut an OKC conversation short before, especially with a girl this cute, but after twenty minutes I was DONE. I said she needed to get some rest because I didn't want to keep her from recovering from her cold, and that was IT.

 

If she was trying to get me to never call her again... IT WORKED!

 

STILL have a headache from this annoying person!

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Since my phone convo with HANNAH crashed & burned, I've noticed that the OKC site has been delaying message deliveries, with notes from DANIELLE & POPPY arriving in my inbox many hours later than their indicated send times.

 

Anyway, here's the recap (such as it is) from the past couple of days.

 

- MARY still hasn't responded to my text from 4 days ago. I'm going to call her this Sunday night since she should be back from out-of-town training by then. But if nothing moves forward from there, I'm leaving it. Still hoping we get to meet though.

 

- I sent CINDY a FB message yesterday saying we should get together again, but despite being on FB frequently since then, she hasn't even read it. Friendzoned it is!

 

- Despite being "happy to get to know" me, DANIELLE hasn't replied from my last message three days ago. I might send a short message this Sunday to prompt her, but not counting on anything.

 

- POPPY sent me a humorous reply a couple of days ago but also said she was going out of town for 2 weeks. I replied yesterday that we should get together when she's back in town. No response yet, but I'll post our complete convo later.

 

- I sent a hail mary message to a new person LUCY who had almost nothing on her profile, instead stating on it that she'd prefer to communicate one-to-one. After some really lame PM exchanges, I went for the nuclear option and risked insulting her by saying the emails were getting boring so she should give me her number. Again, I'll post our complete convo in a bit.

 

- Finally last night I went to a friend's club event and he introduced me to a cute & very gregarious New Zealander NATALIA. Several of us talked for awhile, but I had a good amount of time talking to her by myself at our table. And she gave all the right signs: eye contact, smiling, laughing at my jokes, playing with her hair, occasional light physical contact, etc.

 

To be honest she's not really my type, possibly moving out of town and seems friendly to EVERYBODY so I took things with a grain of salt. Still, I asked if she was on FB, she said yes just look on our mutual friend's page, I gave her my business card and told her to add me. She said she would. I dunno if that was the right approach, but I don't really see her as a prospect, just an activity partner. Or if we got drunk, possibly more.

 

She's going out of town this weekend so I might hit her up on Monday. Got nothing to lose.

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Ouch! Seems like all that time with childern has started tot turn her into one.

 

I've never had much luck on OCK I feel like people there are even less serious about finding a realtionship than on PoF (if that's possible) but It might vary by location and userbase.

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Here's my convo with LUCY (36) on OKC, nothing too interesting but it's a good case study in how you can say something a bit "negging" and still get a phone number:

 

Jun 26 – 10:51pm - ND40

Hey Lucy - Your profile doesn't offer very much information, but you seem to be a positive person with... oh no... cliché up ahead...a great smile. Hey that's what you get when you don't mention if you like cooking, the outdoors or movies. (do you?) Anyway if my profile interests you, I'm more than willing to have that conversation you mention on your page. Hope to hear from you, ND40

 

Jun 26 – 11:17pm - LUCY

Hi ND40! So how can you tell I'm a positive person?! How's your night going

 

 

Jun 26 – 11:28pm - ND40

Because you said you're a fun-loving person. Or were you lying? And sorry to be cliché again, but your smile is too genuine for a negative person to have. Unless you use your smile to mask some deep dark depressing psychological trauma. Which would kinda suck. Because then I'd be wrong about you. Anyway my night's been productive doing some freelance work. Plus I also had the most annoying phone conversation I've ever had in my life on this very night. High-five me, I deserve it. And you? Your pictures make me think you're up in the club 24-7 but somehow I don't think that's true.

 

Jun 27 – 9:39am - LUCY

What kind of annoying phone conversation? Really? why do they make you think i'm up in the club? actually none of them were eve taken at a club!

 

Jun 27 – 10:08am - ND40

No offense, but this email convo is getting a bit stale, no? I think we might have better results on the phone. I'm at xxx-xxx-xxxx, but I'm totally willing make the first call. If you're comfortable with that, of course.

 

Jun 27 – 10:26pm - LUCY

Ok! Call me xxx-xxx-xxxx

 

So we switched to texting, with not much better results:

 

Jun 28 – 8:24am - ND40

Hello it's ND40 from OKC. May I have your name for when I call? A fake one is fine as long as it's easy to pronounce.

 

Jun 28 – 11:41am

That's such an odd thing to say

 

 

Though it's apparent this may be a repeat of the clueless/no fun/annoying HANNAH situation, I'm going to call her when I get home tonight. Maybe I'll find out if she has ANY capacity to understand jokes!

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Meh...I dunno she didn't give you much to go on and she doesn't seem to like the persona you made up for her since you had no other option. She reminds me of some of my uber-logical friends the way she questions everything you say. "What makes you say that" and "what an odd thing to say" She's trying to understand your humor...when you speak chances are either she will get it or she just won't. For you sake I hope she does.

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I called LUCY tonight, left a VM, she immediately texted back "but it's LUCY babe," (for the record, I hate that term of endearment) and she called back.

 

She was out with her girlfriends at a chi-chi restaurant en route to a b-day party, so I kept it short. I explained my text about the fake name, she insisted it "was weird," I said it was a joke regarding keeping her privacy, and she relented, saying "Ok...I guess I should thank you for respecting me then!" I asked when would be a better time to call her, she said tomorrow afternoon and that she'd return my call if she missed it. Not bad.

 

She's a realtor who seems extremely outgoing and confident so I'm guessing either a) she's as hot as her picture and just loves attention, or b) she's pretty but overweight (she had no full body shots) and is sincerely interested in meeting. Obviously I'm hoping for a particular combination of the two!

 

And I just received a reply to a new girl NATALEE (34) (yep, name very similar to the NZ girl) I messaged tonight. She seems attractive and her profile is funny. But she's extremely sarcastic and condescending towards the creeps that have contacted her, which is a bit offputting because it takes up the better part of her writeup. Why dwell on it, y'know? Obviously she wants guys to think she's a real tough nut to crack, whether it's true or not. Here's our initial messages (mine might be confusing since I reference a bunch of things from her profile)

 

ND40

I think our screen names (and the first links we listed in our profiles) should meet each other, even if we never do. But should you be interested, be warned I'm a vegan who listens to the Savage Love podcast religiously so I could present a dilemma. Still, it would be nice to hear from you. Just preferably not at breakfast time.

 

 

Heh! What's crazy is that I actually fit most of the stuff on your checklist- except for my carnivorous nature which is notable. I bring my own bags to the supermarket by my house but they totally don't get it and give me more bags anyway. It's really awkward when that happens.

 

Care to place any odds on where this one goes?

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I had a pretty good weekend, hiking with my friend and sharing OKC stories (she's a great girl who like me has had a run of OKC meetups that don't go past the 2nd date), rehearsing with a band, going on a bike outing with my Little Brother, finishing a freelance project and checking an arthouse movie. Nobody can say I'm not keeping busy!

 

But on the dating front? Pretty dismal. I even went to my local bar/dance spot last night… where there were absolutely no girls I was interested in even chatting to. I had fun dancing on my own for 45 minutes then left. Otherwise…

 

- I talked to another cute but nerdy girl in my apartment complex on Friday night, regarding a stray cat she was feeding. We had a good conversation, but even though I wasn't really thinking of her as a prospect, she mentioned her boyfriend about halfway through. Ah, isn't it great meeting girls IRL.

 

- I messaged NATALEE a few days ago, inviting her to chat on the phone. No response.

 

- I left a VM with LUCY on Saturday evening when I was rushed in between hiking & rehearsing, and called again 3 hours later when I was free. No response.

 

- I sent "hey I'd like continue the convo" emails to DANIELLE and another girl MADISON (40), both of whom had sent good replies 10 days ago to initial messages but not to my followups. The result: MADISON looked at my profile, DANIELLE still hasn't read the message, and no responses from either.

 

- I messaged about 5 girls including one who I see at my local repertory theater quite often. No responses.

 

- Yesterday I sent a Hail Mary message to a girl VIDA ( 38 ) whom I had briefly chatted with months ago before she stopped responding. She surprisingly sent a short 2-sentence reply, but took down her profile today before I could respond. Great.

 

- I'm going to message POPPY in a couple of weeks when she's back in town, but I don't expect a reply as she didn't respond to my last email.

 

------------------

 

So that leaves my last real prospect, MISSY.

 

She was supposed to be back in town yesterday, so I left her a voicemail last night and asked if she wanted to meet this week.

 

She didn't call back.

 

 

 

 

But this morning she texted, "Does Wednesday evening work for you?"

 

 

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Personally "i'd like to continue our convo" type messages are a turn-off for me, but usually guys send them too quickly. I'd say that after 10 days it was probably worth a shot.

 

I find it's a really cyclical process. A week or so ago my prospects dwindled to almost none and I was wondering if I should quit it, but now I have too many guys messaging me to keep up, not that they'll all go anywhere but I have some prospective dates lined up.

 

Stick with it!

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I messaged a couple of people yesterday and got this response from very beautiful JOY (36):

 

Hi, Nice to meet ya ND40.. Thanks!!

I love making all kinds of things.. I do love making spaghetti ..!! And baking..!!

Yes I guess you can call me a filmmaker.. I've just gotten back into it from a 7 year hiatus (was in Hawaii) ...

I love all aspects of it but I'm generally into acting.

Thanks for reaching out! ~Joy

 

Though it's theoretically nice that she responded, I have to say I'm really sick of getting these friendly replies that indicate absolutely no interest whatsoever. Why even bother, people?? I'm going to reply back just in case, but I don't expect her to continue the conversation.

 

On a better note, after FIVE WEEKS of communicating I finally had a date with MISSY last night, and though we only had dinner (and an alcohol-free one at that)... it was great time!

 

We met at an amazing vegan place and though it technically closed about 1.5 hours into our meal, luckily they had an event in their adjoining storefront so they let us stay another 2.5 hours chatting at our table by ourselves.

 

So for over 4 hours(!) we got to know each other and luckily she was beautiful, friendly, soft-spoken, well-dressed, intelligent, had a good head on her shoulders and shared a lot of my views on life. In fact, in both looks & personality she reminded me quite a bit of a certain ex that I've spoken about at length here!

 

Now I wouldn't say we had "sparks" exactly. She didn't play with her hair (well maybe twice), we didn't really flirt, and sitting accross the table from one another there wasn't any opportunity to even be lightly physical.

 

But she kept amazing eye contact, the conversation never faltered, she had a genuine smile on her face almost the entire time, and I made her laugh at regular intervals. We even chatted for awhile at our cars after midnight instead of saying goodbye immediately.

 

We were clearly comfortable with one another, and it was easily one of the best dates I've had so far.

 

I didn't go for a kiss when we parted because I wasn't sure how receptive she'd be since she comes from a religious family. But I felt ok about just leaving it at a hug - no need to rush.

 

The downsides? She works long hours, lives 45 minutes away, and has a 9-month old dog - all of which could make a relationship difficult on a purely practical level.

 

But I was too impressed by her to worry about those things now. On first impression, she's a keeper and I'm going to contact her very soon about meeting again. Wish me luck!

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Though it's theoretically nice that she responded, I have to say I'm really sick of getting these friendly replies that indicate absolutely no interest whatsoever. Why even bother, people??

 

Some people (women in particular, IMHO) never have to learn how to show reciprocal interest. We're forced to go out of our way to show interest, because there are others competing for them...they can just take interest for granted, so they don't really have to try in certain areas. That's why you get so many monosyllabic replies from women online. We're told to read their profiles and be lengthy and super-detailed, and we get "okay" and "i don't know" in response.

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I just called MISSY and am pretty sure she manually sent me to voicemail, but I left a message saying I'd love to meet up again. It's in her court now.

 

In the meantime I'm off to do some summer clothes shopping then bike down to meet friends at a big downtown 4th of July festival with bands & fireworks.

 

Gotta stay distracted while I keep my fingers crossed... and if I meet someone at the festival, even better!

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No real progress in this post... just venting. Feel free to move along while I whine miserably.

 

4th of July was fun. I went to the downtown festival in my new summer clothes and ran into a couple of female acquaintances who invited me to sit with their other girlfriend and 2 gay guys. Another friend introduced me to a cute girl... who turned out to be the girlfriend of one of the performers. I had the chance to chat up another cute girl with a dog while in the long bathroom line... but I didn't do it.

 

Luckily, my two friends invited me to a cool house party after the park thing, and I met a bunch of girls. Mostly not so cute. Or taken. Or sloppy drunk/stoned. In the end, I wanted to leave by 9pm but we stayed til midnight. The high point was when one girl claimed she was much older than me, and her jaw dropped when I told her my age: I'm actually one year older than HER.

 

Today I finished up some shopping and jammed with one of the bands. Then tonight an out-of-town friend took me out to dinner with his fiancee at a trendy spot near my place. Though I've taken many dates there, I'd never gone on the weekend and it was full of really attractive women at the bar, many obviously single. Then again, many were obviously already taken... with boyfriends 10x more attractive than me. Of course I didn't make any kind of moves. But I did put it in the back of my mind to revisit on a future weekend.

 

Worst of all, MISSY still hasn't returned my call from yesterday. WHY???

 

So now I'm back home on a Saturday night. Alone.

 

As I reflect on all the potential chatting-up opportunities that I've had in the past 24 hours simply by getting "out there," I've come to a few conclusions.

 

- Attractive girls generally aren't into me. No matter that I'm drama-free, stable, employed, ok-looking, clean, disease-free, friendly, interesting, funny, in shape, healthy, sociable, positive (despite this post), talented, and creative. Because they're into hot guys. Full stop. And I'm not a 10, I'm a 6 or 7 on a good day. Nothing else seems to matter.

 

- I really prefer staying at home vs. going to parties / bars (unless I'm with friends), but that's where all the girls are... so every night I'm missing out.

 

- I have no game when it comes to approaching women "cold." I just am not comfortable doing it, so I don't.

 

- No matter how promising a first date is, it kinda means nothing.

 

So yeah, even though I'm feeling pretty good about myself personally, when it comes to women I'm wondering if there's something about me that makes me totally undateable.

 

On the bright side, I'm going to another outdoor festival and afterparty tomorrow so there's more chances for me to "get out there" this weekend.

 

FWIW.

 

 

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Attractive girls generally aren't into me. No matter that I'm drama-free, stable, employed, ok-looking, clean, disease-free, friendly, interesting, funny, in shape, healthy, sociable, positive (despite this post), talented, and creative. Because they're into hot guys. Full stop. And I'm not a 10, I'm a 6 or 7 on a good day. Nothing else seems to matter.

 

 

Remember, to each his own. YOU are picky. You like a certain ethnicity, size, look on a girl. Probably makes them about an "8" or "9" to various folks.

 

Women want from guys just what you want from women. I suspect (and I may be wrong) you are like "Wynn" to them ... you seem more like a buddy then a sexual, romantic partner.

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