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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


NorthDallas40

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Maybe she's just excitable ! I am inclined to do that but try and hold back so he doesn't think I am keen. I am not that keen just excitable and bored so I entertain myself by dreaming it's something bigger than it is.

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My date with CINDY was last night and everything was set up for a good evening: I had a great rental car, she texted me her address about 2 hours beforehand without my prompting, and we even arranged to start about 30 minutes earlier than planned.

 

I picked her up at her office (which amounted to a tiny room in a larger complex with a cool warehouse space) and we went to dinner. She loved the food and we had a great conversation for 1.5 hours.

 

I did become a bit apprehensive, however, when it became clear that she subscribed more to her new agey metaphysical beliefs than I ever would, and that she had quite a checkered past in regards to drinking, DUIs, bad childhood, etc. She's totally on the straight & narrow now (not even swearing!), but I surmised that she had to go to such extremes to regain some sense of control over her life. So at the outset, my perception of her was a bit more wary than our first lunch.

 

Nevertheless we had a good time and I made her laugh so much that tears were coming out of her eyes by the time we left the restaurant. Great sign.

 

Next stop was a comedy club that had an audience participation aspect, so I encouraged her to go onstage to be interviewed, and the comedians did some improv about her story. She was a great sport and clearly had a blast. She said she loved it, but to my credit, on the way home she remarked that I actually made her laugh even harder at dinner than at the club!

 

I finally dropped her off at her place around 11:15pm and though we had a great time and she mentioned something about "when you meet my friends," I wasn't feeling like she was giving me the green light for a kiss. So we hugged and I drove off, a bit disappointed.

 

Luckily she texted me "Thanks for everything" when I got home, so today I messaged her about meeting up this weekend.

 

No dice.

 

She said she was completely booked and didn't offer another time to meet up.

 

This was a total bummer, but not unexpected - I had the feeling that I was already being friendzoned during our date. So I just replied that she could drop me a line if she's free next week and I'm leaving it at that. I'm not going to pursue things further unless I hear from her first.

 

So it looks like you can chalk up another strikeout for ND40.

 

With that in mind, I decided to keep in light contact with MISSY until the 30th just in case she's still in the running. I texted her about her trip this morning, and she replied within 10 minutes - so far, so good.

 

----------------------------

 

BREAKING NEWS

As I was writing this, CINDY messaged me back:

 

"I know it's so crazy - like right now my emails are going off. things go in waves - its just really extremely crazy busy right now. i would like to get together soon!"

 

That was surprising, so I replied:

 

"Totally understand. Just let me know when you want to get together and we'll make it happen!"

 

So yeah, it's nice she got back to me (notwithstanding my reservations about our compatibility), but I'm not holding my breath about seeing her again.

 

In fact, I will very likely reinstate my OKC profile this weekend.

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BREAKING NEWS

As I was writing this, CINDY messaged me back:

 

"I know it's so crazy - like right now my emails are going off. things go in waves - its just really extremely crazy busy right now. i would like to get together soon!"

 

That was surprising, so I replied:

 

"Totally understand. Just let me know when you want to get together and we'll make it happen!"

 

So yeah, it's nice she got back to me (notwithstanding my reservations about our compatibility), but I'm not holding my breath about seeing her again.

 

In fact, I will very likely reinstate my OKC profile this weekend.

 

I've been reading this thread for a while, and my impression is that you come accross as more accommodating than you need to with people who are lukewarm/giving you mixed signals. I think this causes them to not value you as much. When you respond to messages from such girls, I think you should be friendly and nice, however maybe a bit distant or aloof as well. Right now you come accross as overly understanding at the expense of yourself. I think your initial reply to Cindy was good, but the "totally understand" bit of your second response was too much. I'm really bad at these things myself, and not sure how I would phrase it better. The "we'll make it happen thing" sounded nice, (warm and confident/assertive).

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I've been reading this thread for a while, and my impression is that you come accross as more accommodating than you need to with people who are lukewarm/giving you mixed signals.

 

Point taken. But in my experience if a girl is interested, such slight word choices won't make a difference.

 

As long as you're not blatantly needy or clingy, girls who are interested will stay in touch, reply promptly, and probably be glad you're well-mannered. This was the case for every single one of my exes, and every girl who I knew wanted to be more than friends with me.

 

As for the wishy-washy, flaky, lukewarm, iffy girls... they care even *less* about how you phrase things! Because they were never really invested in the first place and probably aren't really paying full attention to your messages anyway.

 

The best you can do is match - not exceed - the tempo & tone of their replies and hope for the best.

 

Sure, if I'm *really* interested in a girl I might give her a bit more than the benefit of the doubt, like with KIM and CINDY. But I generally keep my contact minimal and one-for-one until I have reason to step it up, and even then I'm cautious.

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So reading this again it's very interesting. Do you feel like you have a kind of kid in a candy store mentality? Often I'll go out with a nice looking guy who's new to the site and have great time and find out he's so new I'm one of his very first dates.....and then I never hear from him again I have to think...we'll he's out there trying out all the other women who he e-mailed that responded. It makes me feel like just one option out of MANY, and while I know that's really what I am really disheartening because I've checked out my competition and out of the mid 30s women in my area....I'm a catch!

 

So reading that you go out with one woman and really like her but continue to pursue several...it seems like this is the norm and I just don't know what to do...I'm not in to competition and somehow I have to "compete" and I'm not even sure how to do that. I went out with a great guy last week and he told me I was his first date off the site. He did say it was going very well. We ended up spending almost 6 hours together. He said he would call me soon and he actually called me that night to make sure I got home safely. Then the next day he actually called me twice! The first time he thought I wouldn't answer and he was just going to leave a nice message so I ruined his sweet gesture by answering. lol The next 2 days I texted him just to see how his day was going and say hi....he responded but hasn't asked about going out again and in my heart I know it's b/c he has dates lined up with other women...which is fine I'd be going out with other guys if there were any other prospects at the moment...and I'm keeping very busy with work and my hobbies right now so I'm really only free a couple nights a week anyway.

 

So from a guy who's doing the same thing what would you want for a woman you are interested to do? Contact you? Suggest meeting up again? Wait for you to be free and invite her out and accept eagerly? What do you wish Missy or Cindy would do?

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Do you feel like you have a kind of kid in a candy store mentality? Reading that you go out with one woman and really like her but continue to pursue several...it seems like this is the norm and I just don't know what to do.

 

If you read between the lines of this thread, the reason I date several women at once isn't because I'm taking advantage of the variety available, but because most of the women just don't work out.

 

By now, I can assume that I'm going to be rejected for a 2nd or 3rd date by most women, or opt out myself, so it just make sense to have 1-3 backups in my pocket. Otherwise I'll be sitting around waiting for - or worse, pestering - a girl who's no longer interested.

 

So from a guy who's doing the same thing what would you want for a woman you are interested to do? Contact you? Suggest meeting up again? Wait for you to be free and invite her out and accept eagerly? What do you wish Missy or Cindy would do?

 

All I ask is that they accept my invitation for another date, show up, have fun, and escalate things slightly from the last one. That's it! No big secret.

 

As for a best course of action for *you*, all you can do is let a guy know you're interested (once, maybe twice) and see what he does. If he asks you out, awesome. If not, there's nothing you can do.

 

...except have a few backups of your own.

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My 1000th post!

 

Hmmm so either I'm the back up or he thinks he needs a backup gotta tell you both sound equally bad.

 

Neither is necessarily bad. I've been really hopeful about some of the girls I've dated recently and really wanted things to work with them. But I continued dating others in case my hopes were misplaced. It had nothing to do with my feelings towards them.

 

So where are your backups?

 

Ha! I doubt CINDY is going to call anytime soon. I still will check in with MISSY in 7 days as per her "wait til after the 30th" instruction.

 

I also messaged a few people on OKC the other day. One of them wrote back (but didn't reply to my response), while the other gave me a high rating but didn't reply at all!

 

So um, I guess what I'm saying is I don't have any real backups at the moment!

 

And it's making me anxious, to tell the truth. I really like being in a relationship, and it's bumming me out to do all the fun things I did this weekend (movies, citywide bike event, beach, new restaurants, seeing friends) without a special girl by my side.

 

For me, it's just not very fun to do those things alone... and not having any immediate prospects is really making me edgy.

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Whoa, speaking of backups I just had a good exchange this morning with a super cute girl HANNAH (30) who visited my profile a few weeks ago. I just decided to message her and she replied very promptly. Weird - I've messaged only 5 girls this weekend and got responses (however slight) from 3 of them. My odds seem to be getting better.

 

Anyway for fun, I've duplicated my convo with Hannah below. After reading it - and knowing my track record so far - how do you predict things will go from here?

 

9:18am - ND40:

Between our 92% match, love of country (see my photos for proof), enjoyment of the outdoors (and craft beers), we might actually get along, despite your dislike of movie theaters. I think you just need to go to the right ones. Plus I know how to park, which appears to be your blind spot? Anyway, it would be great to hear from you! - ND40

 

9:25am - HANNAH

Hi ND40! Good morning. Thanks for the message. Thank you for writing more than two words. Did you have a good weekend? I did. Until I made my way home Saturday evening on the (highway) which was a parking lot nightmare. Hannah

 

10:11am - ND40

Nice to meet you Hannah. I avoid the (highway) at all costs. What caused you to be stuck there? My weekend was good... swam at (beach) and discovered an amazing restaurant called _____, rehearsed with a couple of bands, and rode bikes with friends at (cycling event) for the first time, ending with drinks at (museum). I don't always have such a full weekend so needless to say I went to bed early every night because I was so exhausted! And you?

 

10:16am - HANNAH

I was stuck on the (highway) because they decided to shut the (highway) south down to do nothing. I saw no workers. Just orange cones that dictate where I and how I should get home. Pathetic! I wanted to be home at 2. Decent but 3am! grrr. I was in ____ for the day with my friends. Then in the evening I was at my friends house in ____ listening to music, eating dinner and drinking wine. I do not drink and drive ever. I am busy every weekend this summer with weddings and the likes. I am headed to (museum) after this meeting I am in. So boring... I want to see the (artist) exhibit. Looks inviting.

 

10:45am - ND40

Yep I'm familiar with the late-night phenomenon of long delays due to construction on otherwise trafficless highway. Pain felt. The (artist) exhibit is pretty amazing. It was great to see (artist's work), but I was most struck by the artifacts showing the incredible amount of research for his never-made (artist's work). Are you an (artist) fan? I'm curious to know what you think about it. Hey I'm work right now… but lemme know if you're down to chat or meet for dinner sometime. I know your weekends are COMPLETELY BOOKED all summer but that still leaves weekday evenings, right? I'm at xxx-xxx-xxxx

 

11:07am - HANNAH

I'm an (artist) fan after only seeing one (work). I have lots of art homework.

I'm sorry. I won't call/text first. So here's my number xxx-xxx-xxxx

 

11:18am - ND40

Fortunately for us I enjoy making a first call. Are you available after 8:30pm tonight? If not, just tell me the best day & time. Which (artist work)?

 

So ENA'ers... what's going to happen?

 

a) She won't answer my call and disappear completely

b) We'll talk on the phone but not want to meet or she'll flake on a date

c) We'll end up meeting for one date only

d) We'll end up meeting for 2-3 dates only

d) We'll end up dating regularly

 

 

 

And no, I haven't forgotten about MISSY - after last contacting her 4 days ago, I texted her this morning to ask about her trip and to tell her a bit about my weekend.

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It's really disappointing to hear about Cindy's shady past..

 

Prediction about new girl: C.

 

It's not promising that she doesn't ask you any questions and simply answers yours. Plus the fact that she claims to be booked EVERY weekend the ENTIRE summer is off-putting and a bit of a red flag. I don't know, she didn't sound too great to me at all. Didn't have anything interesting to say.

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So I got a PM from HANNAH this morning at 8:25am:

 

"Sorry my phone died last night.

 

Well it doesn't get more noncommittal than that, so I figured that was my brush-off.

 

But then 30 minutes later she called and left a voicemail:

 

"Good morning Mark, it's Heather - just returning your call. I got in late last night so I couldn't call you or didn't want to wake you up. So hopefully I'll talk to you today and I'll talk to you later - bye!"

 

So that was encouraging, right?

 

However, I've got plans tonight so calling her back today isn't really in the cards.

 

I also don't want to seem "too accommodating" as some have pointed out.

 

How about I just send this text around 11:30am and call her tomorrow night?

 

"Crazy busy w/ work today & plans tonite - will call soon

 

Does that show I'm still interested, while being aloof enough to let her know I'm not sitting around waiting on her?

 

Advice please!

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So I texted HANNAH a few hours ago not really expecting a response, but suprisingly she replied and rather promptly. But with rather non-sequiturish tangents.

 

12:56pm - ND40

Got your msgs but busy w/ work today and plans tonite. Will call soon

 

1:21pm - HANNAH

Hi. Just woke up from a nap. I'm watching my nephew. He's on nap so I joined.

 

2:07pm - ND40

Aw cute. Reducing your volunteer workload is apparently treating you well

 

2:08pm - HANNAH

Yeah. I realized I was overwhelmed/overdoing myself.

 

So she didn't really respond directly to what I was saying, nor did she get my sense of humor. I get the feeling she's just bored sitting around the house and texting as a distraction. Oh well, I'll call tomorrow night and see what happens from there.

 

Luckily, I emailed another woman DANIELLE (42) yesterday morning, teasing her about one of her OKC question responses and got a good reply last night:

 

Hi ND40,

 

*Putting my answer in front of me and your profile both cracked me up.

 

*Jumping around w/o connection; I grew up in the REAL SOUTH, as in Arkansas.

With the occasional tornados and blizzards, and rolling skating on Wed afternoons.

 

*You look nicer with the short hair.

 

I would be happy to get to know you, and your perhaps slight fascination with Indian culture/cuisine.

 

Cheers, Danielle

 

So that could go somewhere, though most of her photos look to be from when she was younger, and her most recent-looking one isn't very clear. Keeping expectations low until we meet.

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Yeah Hannah sounds like a nice girl just a bit flaky....now some of my favorite people on this planet are flaky so I don't mean that in a bad way it just depends on if you can handle it or not.

 

Danielle sounds interested and interesting to boot...my question is: is your hair short or long now? the way she mentioned your hair makes is seem that she's hoping it's short....if it's long and you like it that way....you two may not be a match. I know sounds petty that hair length is that important....but on guys it makes a bigger difference to some women.

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Well, I expect HANNAH to be flaky. She's only 30, returning to college in August and I'm assuming she's with her parents until then. So I'm not really counting on anything longterm with her. That said, she's super cute (with a lovely voice to match), has some cool interests, and we're both vegetarian so it would be great to at least meet her.

 

---------------------

 

DANIELLE seems like a good prospect, assuming she doesn't look radically different from her photos. And yes, my hair is short now. I cut it back in January hoping that it would increase my dating chances! But in an instance of bad haircut timing, I'm going to rehearse with a band this week that totally looks like '73-era Rolling Stones... whoops!

 

---------------------

 

Wonder of wonders, I got *another* response from a new person I messaged yesterday. This time from POPPY (39) who has only one photo. It's a full-body shot and she looks AMAZING, but it also looks a few years old. So again, I'm cautious even if we do meet up.

 

Her reply was good though:

 

"i got into bollywood thru friends. i like mostly old stuff from the 60s. mohammed rafi, shankar jaikishan, lots of obscurities from old films. that's cool you dj'd indian music. was that in ____? i've only been to one indian club. it was years ago in calcutta. some clients took me there. so much fun. everyone there knew how to dance and party like nobody's business. can't say i've been to a better club since.

 

i'm really vegan but i say mostly because i eat honey. i'm a train wreck in the kitchen and have regretted pretty much every meal i've ever tried to make. embarrassingly, my fridge is currently stocked with mostly condiments.

 

i'm a serious smoker so i hope you caught that in my profile. i wish i could highlight it somehow because i know that's a real deal breaker for a lot of people. my dad has been after me for years to quit but i can't be swayed. i really love it.

 

so how mostly vegan are you?"

 

Now I hate smoking and prefer that a woman know how to cook… but if she looks anything like her photo, I can totally deal with that!

 

---------------------

 

And I have to emphasize that in all three cases (four if we include MISSY), I'm fully aware that promising first messages don't necessarily mean we'll meet. I'm prepared for any or all of these girls to disappear at any time, no matter how interested they appear now.

 

But it sure helps my state of mind to know there's some possibilities!

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I'm still following this thread. I'm tired for you. And although I totally understand that sometimes good things come to those who wait, I AM so relieved to be done with online dating. I threw in the towel with the last experience.

But I'm still cheering you on and will continue to follow this thread

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I'm still following this thread. I'm tired for you. And although I totally understand that sometimes good things come to those who wait, I AM so relieved to be done with online dating. I threw in the towel with the last experience.

But I'm still cheering you on and will continue to follow this thread

 

Haha thanks. Yeah when KATE and I got serious, I was SOOOOOOO glad to not be dating anymore.

 

I mean, it's definitely been great experiencing new people, places & activities over the past 6 months.

 

But I SO MUCH want to just find that ONE special girl and share things with just HER, not a whole bunch of chicks who don't really even care about me one way or the other!

 

And for anyone counting, I've gone out with 19 girls since Kate. Yikes.

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