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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


NorthDallas40
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Couldn't find her on FB. Besides, I'm always hesitant to add girls on FB if there's a possibility of dating; it can get messy while your status is up in the air. For me it's better to keep FB out of the equation until you're officially in a relationship - or definitely just friends.

 

In other news, STEFANI and I finalized our plans for tonight. I picked a romantic mediterranean restaurant near her house (she's biking over!) that she happened to really like, and she suggested us having wine and chatting after dinner rather than playing pool or something similar afterwards. Though we might go to a low-key jazz/soul lounge nearby if we're feeling it.

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No word from MICHELLE or MISSY, but a very cute 29-yo SEPTEMBER favorited me on OKC so I may drop her a line soon.

 

But more importantly, my 2nd date with STEFANI was last night... and let's just say it didn't turn out at all as I'd planned.

 

We met for dinner & wine at 8:15 and had a nice time chatting & laughing for about 2.5 hours. She looked great as before. Then we walked to couple of nearby bars for a beer where I thought we might escalate things a bit, but no dice. Her body language made it clear she didn't want to get physical, so we just talked for another hour or so.

 

Interestingly, she said she dated a lot on OKC after her last breakup but then felt like she was wasting her time going on tons of dates, so she took a break and basically said she's been more picky since then. Hopefully that bodes well for my chances.

 

So I had fun, but it was a bit disappointing.

 

And that's when I realized I lost my car keys. #-o

 

I felt like a complete idiot, but STEFANI put on a good face as we tried to find the keys and figure out what I was going to do since my home - and my work - are an hour away from her.

 

After I made some phone calls and got some contact lens solution, eventually I asked the obvious question. But I could tell she was suspicious even before I asked it:

 

"Um, I hate to ask you this but... can I crash at your place?"

 

Her answer was quick.

 

"No. I don't know you that well, so I can't do that. But I'd be happy to help you find a place to stay."

 

(cue AC/DC's "Shot Down In Flames"!)

 

Long story short, one of my coworkers lived nearby so STEFANI was nice enough to drive me to his place around 1am for me to crash there. As I exited the car, we hugged but I didn't even bother going in for a kiss. Kind of a bummer.

 

Today I went to work as usual with my coworker and I called the restaurant. Luckily they did have my keys, so that's my after-work fun tonight: a 2-hour roundtrip to get my car!

 

When I got the news, though, I texted STEFANI to let her know.

 

"____ has my keys!!! Again, sorry for the hassle last night and thx so much for the ride to my friend's place. But despite the hiccups it was fun hanging out with you, so let me know if you're up for meeting again "

 

I didn't think my chances were good for a 3rd date, but what the hell. She texted back in 2 minutes:

 

"Awesome! I'm so glad to hear it. No worries I'm happy to help. And yes I'm up for meeting again."

 

=D>

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I have to say, normally you sound like a gentleman, but I'm really surprised you asked if you could stay at her place! I'm sure you have the perception and insight to know that wasn't going to fly... I would have been extremely uncomfortable with such a proposition and it would've been a huge turn-off. It's interesting she is willing to meet again. Don't lose your keys again!

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Sounds like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode.

 

And what's with even entertaining the thought of asking to crash at her place?!? What a brutally rookie move to pull after so many sly, smooth acts from you before. I can't believe she is showing signs of a 3rd date after that (though, I wouldn't be surprised to now see her flake out on that 3rd date), especially after you weren't getting positive vibes beforehand at the bar(s). At worst, she thinks you probably schemed it. At best, she possibly thinks you're just a moron.

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Hm, I have to admit that ya'll's responses are an eye-opener.

 

On the one hand, I was really worried about getting my keys / getting a ticket / getting home / going to work the next day, and crashing at her place seemed like the most obvious choice at the moment. Especially since it was 1am, I was a bit buzzed, quite stressed, feeling like an idiot anyway, and didn't remember about my coworker until a few minutes after I asked.

 

Besides, we'd spent almost 8 hours total together and I assumed that she could at least trust me as a houseguest, especially when I've ended up in *bed* at some girls' places in less time than that! I would have been perfectly ok with sleeping on the floor/sofa with no strings attached. Though I suppose there was no way for her to know that.

 

But after reading your reactions, I realize that I really was putting her on the spot... ESPECIALLY since she didn't offer first, and I should have read the situation much much better than I did. If she had been ok with me staying over, she likely would have made the invitation immediately. But because she didn't, I should have just let it lie.

 

As for what to do now, though I'm not sure if we're relationship material, I'm not a bridgeburner and I don't ever want to leave a bad impression with somebody. Do you think an apology text is in order, or should I just leave it alone for now? I need more of the female perspective on this one - help!

 

----------------

 

On the good side, I got my car back in time to go to KAY's birthday party tonight. And while I was there, MISSY called! She didn't leave a vm, but emailed me to say she was going to be busy planning a fundraiser for this Saturday so it was going to be difficult for her to talk until after it was over. So I called her back 25 minutes later, she picked up, and I told her I'd give her a call at 9pm Monday, which she said worked for her. She sounded very pleasant and laughed a bit, and I gotta say she had a really really lovely voice. Wow.

 

I also got a message from RAQUELLE whom I had messaged for the first time a couple of days ago. She's very pretty and we seem to have a lot in common, so I was really stoked to get a well-written message back from her. Kinda excited at the prospect of meeting her as well.

 

And as for unsolicited messages, I got an invitation to meet for drinks from one 37-yo who wasn't my type. And another woman who'd messaged me before told me she was going to lift my entire "You Should Message Me If" section for her own page because she liked it so much! And sure enough when I checked her page - she did!

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Today I sent a reply to RAQUELLE, and an email confirming our phone date on Monday to MISSY.

 

KAY texted me today, thanking me for coming to her party and saying I looked good last night, which was kind of surprising. I had invited her to a movie tomorrow night but since she never said yes or no, I gave the ticket to a friend. But KAY still texted me tonight to see if it was still available, and we chatted over text for awhile. I think she's hinting at a FWB situation, but I just don't think it's a good idea.

 

And while taking out the trash, I just now ran into MICHELLE coming home. She looked very tired but said hello as I passed. When I came back from the dumpster, she obviously had been stalling on the stairwell and she asked how my weekend was. I told her about losing my keys as I took more trash out, and she called "goodnight" to me as I went downstairs for the 2nd load and she went into her apartment. So yep, I missed another opportunity to break the ice... but she looked tired and I have to get up 2 hours earlier in the morning, so that will have to wait.

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If the choice is an apology text or leave it alone, I would just leave it alone for now. If you see her again, you can mention it. But, for me anyway, a text apology wouldn't seem that sincere and I wouldn't know how to respond by text (without getting into a longer conversation). In person is better.

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If the choice is an apology text or leave it alone, I would just leave it alone for now. If you see her again, you can mention it. But, for me anyway, a text apology wouldn't seem that sincere and I wouldn't know how to respond by text (without getting into a longer conversation). In person is better.

 

I agree with this.

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Great - thanks for the advice!

 

No responses from RAQUELLE or MISSY yet, but I didn't expect any today. But KAY invited me to a play tomorrow night - along with another compliment - so that should be fun.

 

And I emailed STEFANI today about doing something this weekend or next week, and suggested coming to my town instead of hers this time. If she declined, I was going to write her off - if only because I wanted to see if she'd be willing to drive to see me instead of the other way around. I got this response a couple hours later:

 

"Hi ND40! I'm going to ______ this weekend so maybe next week? Yes I'm happy to meet you in (your town). Monday or Wednesday look good right now. Happy Thursday!"

 

So that's good.

 

I also noticed that a former FB friend CINDY, whose feed I was apparently still subscribed to, had recently turned vegan. We never met IRL, though we did show up at the same club once and messaged back & forth a bit at the time. But I always thought she was cute in her photos and she seemed single by the looks of her profile, so I sent a friend request and threw a Hail Mary message:

 

"Hey Cindy - I think we met briefly at _____ club night a few years ago. Anyway I noticed on your feed that you're vegan now - congrats! Having been vegan for years, I'm always up to hang with fellow converts, especially ones with good musical taste. You seem like a cool person so if you'd like to get a drink or a bite to eat sometime, lemme know! - ND40 + phone number"

 

She re-added me immediately, but didn't respond until tonight:

 

"Hi mark! I would love that! Let's grab lunch soon!"

 

Not bad.

 

Lastly I messaged the frontman of a great local band who was looking for a bass player on FB. He responded immediately saying I looked promising so he wanted to link up.

 

Ha that makes the score FB 2, OKC 1 today. FBFTW!

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I got a brief response from CINDY today: "I may be able to do Sunday brunch (phone number)"

 

I was glad to get her number, but such a brief & noncommittal message doesn't look promising. So as with the very flaky REY, I tried to pin her down a bit: "Cool let's meet 12pm Sunday at ______, unless another time/place works better for you. If you can confirm by noon tomorrow I'd appreciate it - see you then!"

 

In any case, I sent STEFANI activity options for next Wednesday, I'm checking out a play with KAY tonight, and in the spirit of not relying exclusively on online options I'm going to a vegan singles event with IRINA tomorrow. So at least my weekend will be full!

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Whoa... just got back from hanging out wth KAY. We went to a play, had dinner, then caught a latenight comedy show. All good.

 

But even though I told her about my upcoming dates with CINDY & STEFANI at dinner, as we were driving home she asked if she should spend the night at my place since it was so late. I brushed it off.

 

But when we got back to my place (she had met me there at the beginning of the evening so her scooter was there), I said she could stay if she was tired. At which point she blatantly asked "Are we going to move out of the friendzone?" I made a joke about it, to which she said "So that's a no?" and I said yeah. "Ok I'm going to go home then," she replied.

 

To be honest, I wouldn't mind sleeping with her. But I don't want a relationship with her, though I don't think she wants one either. Still, I've never been in a FWB situation before, and it just seems like a step I don't want to take.

 

Nor do I want to jeopardize things with my other prospects, as tenuous as they might be.

 

So yeah, I haven't been laid in 4 months and I just turned down a completely no-strings offer at 1am on a Friday night.

 

I guess that makes me either a gentleman or an idiot.

 

But that's fine. I'm ok with either.

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When I first saw KAY on OKC, I could tell from her pics that she looked unusual and a bit "ugly-in-a-good-way." But also she can look like a total pinup model when she makes the effort; I've shown some of her pics to my younger coworkers and their reaction was "WOW!"

 

Plus she mentioned how she wasn't looking for a relationship and traveled a lot for performing. So my initial email was along the line of "let's be friends."

 

And when we first went out, she was dating another dude at the time and specifically put me in the "friendzone" via email! Which was fine with me. I didn't see her as a romantic prospect because I wasn't 100% physically attracted, and her personality wasn't really what I was looking for in a LTR; too focused on herself and a bit neurotic & oversharing. All of which is fine as long as we're just friends.

 

But soon she lost interest in the other guy and pretty much expressed to me that she wasn't sure she wanted to be in a relationship at all. However, I always sensed a sexual tension and last night confirmed it.

 

Theoretically we could do the FWB thing. I think that's all she's looking for. But I've never done it, and I think it would create complications of one kind or another. I just would prefer to be friends with Kay and leave it at that.

 

Now I'll freely admit I'm getting a bit desperate for sex now (KATE & WYNN were amazing in that dept), but not so much that I'll walk into a situation that might cause more trouble than it's worth.

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So yeah, I haven't been laid in 4 months and I just turned down a completely no-strings offer at 1am on a Friday night.

 

I guess that makes me either a gentleman or an idiot.

 

You are a stronger man than I am ND40! But seriously I think it just makes you very self-aware and in control which definitely aren't bad attributes to have. I'm with ballerinababe though that Kay may be wanting more from you. Women change their minds all of the time, I'm sure you know that!

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I'm with ballerinababe though that Kay may be wanting more from you.

 

You may be right. And if that *is* the case, I definitely don't want to lead her on, especially by having sex. There's just no way I want to be in a relationship with her. So looks like I made the right choice.

 

Luckily Chris from that band got in touch, and he said he had a good gut feeling about me so we'll likely jam sometime this week. Thing is, he wants to rehearse 3 times a week... which is great while I'm single, but maybe not so much if I get a girlfriend.

 

So on that point, I'm still hoping brunch w/ CINDY goes well tomorrow.

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It took me forever, but I finally reading this entire thread. It was definitely a real eye opener reader the guy's perspective.

 

I have to say, good on your for putting in so much time, effort, energy and money into all of this... I hope it pays off.

 

I have to be honest and ask... do you think that subconsciously you find reasons to rule out girls because you know there are plenty more around the corner? This is not particularly directed at you... I get the feeling that a lot of online daters do this... one tiny thing and that person is crossed off the list.. as if you can know enough about a person in just one date anyway?

 

Also I wonder if you're even over Kate (doesn't sound like it) as it seems like you're looking for a Kate-replacement, and of course noone will ever match up to her.

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Just got back from a 2.5 hour lunch with CINDY.

 

And as much as one can be from a first meeting, I'm a bit smitten :splat:

 

She was on time, gorgeous, stylish, totally friendly & engaging, had beautiful eyes with nonwavering eye contact, easy to talk to, great listener, had interesting stories, vegan, smart, perceptive, has her own business, into the music scene like I am, likes hiking & healthy habits, has an amazing smile & positive energy... in short, it was probably the best first date I've had since I started this thread. I felt 100% at ease with her, which has not been the case with ANY of the others I've met.

 

On first impression, she's pretty much everything I'm looking for in a girl.

 

Luckily she seemed to have a really good time too, laughing a lot and really being an active participant in the conversation. We could have easily talked longer. She even mentioned offhand about letting me borrow a DVD, watching a movie together, showing me her new workspace, etc. which are all great signs.

 

Still, I can tell she's very gregarious and friendly with EVERYONE, so I'm taking everything with a grain of salt so far.

 

Plus since we met on FB, there isn't that clear but unspoken "intention to date" that would be a subtext had we met on OKC. So I didn't even think about trying for a kiss.

 

Regardless, I'm definitely going to call her tomorrow night and ask her out again. Wish me luck, people!

Edited by NorthDallas40
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I have to be honest and ask... do you think that subconsciously you find reasons to rule out girls because you know there are plenty more around the corner?

 

Not really, because I've only gotten dates with less than 5% of the girls I've messaged. Though there's lots of girls on OKC in my area, I know that very few of them would go out with me so I'm definitely not feeling like it's an endless supply. If anything, I'm giving girls chances that I know aren't really right for me because I'm afraid of the well running dry already!

 

Also I wonder if you're even over Kate (doesn't sound like it) as it seems like you're looking for a Kate-replacement, and of course noone will ever match up to her.

 

I'm not 100% over Kate, but then again none of the girls I've met have come even close to her, though WYNN almost did...

 

...that is, until today (see my previous post)!

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Wow, it's great you met someone who excites you so much! When you invite her out again, are you going to make it clear that it is a date? You don't want to be stuck in ambiguity or friend terrain. If I were Cindy and I had felt an attraction, I would really like for you to make it clear you're extending an invitation for a date. How are you planning to approach it?

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Well, as nightdriver and others predicted, STEFANI flaked on our date this week:

 

"I don't think I'm going to make it Wednesday. I enjoyed meeting you. But I started seeing someone and even though I don't know how it will turn out, I am always hopeful. I wish you the best of luck."

I'm actually more relieved than disappointed, though, so no tears there. I knew we weren't a fit from the get-go.

 

I also smoothed things out with KAY, letting her know that we're still good despite my declining her offer to take things to a physical level this past Friday. I told her I'd still be asking her to do stuff in the future, and she was cool with that.

 

So now I'm back down to two prospects, both of whom I'm going to call tonight:

 

- MISSY, who is expecting me to call at 9pm. I think that should go ok, though I haven't heard from her since my last email, so who knows. Not counting any chickens.

 

- Then as soon as I hang up the phone with her, I'll be calling CINDY. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up so soon, but I'm really in a good mood since meeting her with butterflies, nervousness, the whole 9. My fingers are really crossed here!

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If I were Cindy and I had felt an attraction, I would really like for you to make it clear you're extending an invitation for a date. How are you planning to approach it?

 

Assuming she picks up tonight, I'll chat a bit then ask her to dinner & a comedy club this week. She's going out of town for a hiking trip next weekend, so I want to try and get things rolling now.

 

And if she accepts, then no matter how the night goes I'm going in for a kiss.

 

That should give her the message, right?

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