Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[Ms Darcy]

My bf called me for every date. I actually don't think we ever texted each other asking to hang out in our first year. I do think it's a bit lazy. Why can't you call and say hi and chat and ask for a date?

 

I have a (personal) theory that the "I prefer texting" people (and I mean texting for important communication and not texting to say hi or minor stuff) are not the best communicators. Not great at confrontation or dealing with issues. No real evidence of that though. (But years ago I had a bf who was a TERRIBLE communicator and had to do all of our major communication in writing. NEVER again.)

 

I wouldn't do a six-hour date with a guy on a 2nd date. And if I mentioned I'd like him to contact me over the weekend, I wouldn't like the contact to be over text (but I also tell people I prefer calls). Seems weak. It sounded like you texted Thursday for a Saturday date. I wouldn't like that much. But I am a plan in advance person and that sounds kinda last minute to me.

 

Anyways, it is just personal opinion.

[NorthDallas40]

Why can't you call and say hi and chat and ask for a date?

 

I've got no problem at all doing that, and I'm actually more of a phone person myself. But sometimes it feels more appropriate to text, to wit:

 

I have a (personal) theory that the "I prefer texting" people are not the best communicators.

 

Agreed. One of my past exes all but refused to talk on the phone, as she was not great at in-person conversation either.

 

But as I mentioned before, Jeanette isn't the most verbal person herself. So texting seemed the more comfortable option for both of us. Also, since I've definitely "proven" my conversational skills to her, texting seemed a more low-pressure way to ask for a 3rd date without putting her on the spot.

 

I wouldn't do a six-hour date with a guy on a 2nd date. And if I mentioned I'd like him to contact me over the weekend, I wouldn't like the contact to be over text (but I also tell people I prefer calls). Seems weak.

 

I've been on at least a couple of 6+ hour 2nd dates that went well, and sometimes even led to LTR's. And obviously different people have varied opinions on texting vs. calling, and I try to adjust accordingly depending on the girl. Horses for courses.

 

It sounded like you texted Thursday for a Saturday date. I wouldn't like that much. But I am a plan in advance person and that sounds kinda last minute to me.

 

I'm not a last-minute person at all, and as you can surmise from this thread, I'm a DAMN GOOD date planner!

 

To clarify, we had our first date on Tuesday, and the next day I asked her about meeting over the weekend. She took some time in replying, hence the delay in finalizing plans.

[NorthDallas40]

It was a bit late in coming, but I finally got a text from Jeanette saying that she was still out with her friend & friend's mom for Easter and though she did want to meet tonight, next week would be better if it's cool with me. Well since she offered a general "rain date," then yes, it's very cool with me.

 

And Darcy, just to make you happy I'll give her a PHONE CALL to schedule it.

 

In the meantime, I messaged 8 other girls on OKC. I'm being a bit obsessive about it at the moment because I turn 43 in a few weeks and want to get in "under the wire" just in case!

 

So far I've pared down my "favorites" list to 9 pages from 15 by removing ones I've messaged or don't feel would really be a match. I might even take the rest of the day to finish it off entirely so I don't have to worry about it for awhile. Man, no wonder I enjoyed being in my last relationship so much - no stupid dating stuff to worry about!

[rambleon]

Finding this thread really interesting, I've never tried online dating (yet) but thanks for providing such detail about the experience. I'll be waiting to hear your results.

[bebeblondie]

My bf called me for every date. I actually don't think we ever texted each other asking to hang out in our first year. I do think it's a bit lazy. Why can't you call and say hi and chat and ask for a date? .

 

Ok but that's your bf, everyone is different, I wouldn't mind a guy texting me to ask for second date...maybe the details can be planned out over the phone, but even so I don't think that's necessary

 

I have a (personal) theory that the "I prefer texting" people (and I mean texting for important communication and not texting to say hi or minor stuff) are not the best communicators. Not great at confrontation or dealing with issues. No real evidence of that though. (But years ago I had a bf who was a TERRIBLE communicator and had to do all of our major communication in writing. NEVER again.).

 

I agree but like you said doesn't sound like anybody here is doing "important communication" texting, so this is pretty irrevlevant.

 

I wouldn't do a six-hour date with a guy on a 2nd date. And if I mentioned I'd like him to contact me over the weekend, I wouldn't like the contact to be over text (but I also tell people I prefer calls). Seems weak. It sounded like you texted Thursday for a Saturday date. I wouldn't like that much. But I am a plan in advance person and that sounds kinda last minute to me.

 

Thursday for Saturday isn't that bad, I mean Wednesday is ideal, but I wouldn't decline a date just because the guy asked on Thursday instead of Wednesday. As for the six-hour date, if you're having fun and it feels right, why not? I think when people place way too many rules and regulations on dating that's when you fall into the category of "nobody's good enough for me".

[NorthDallas40]

Ok but that's your bf, everyone is different, I wouldn't mind a guy texting me to ask for second date...maybe the details can be planned out over the phone, but even so I don't think that's necessary

 

Actually you bring up a good point. I try to set first dates over the phone, but I like to offer multiple activity options. So once the date is set, I like to send a PM/email with the activities in question, along with Yelp links so they can make a better decision. Just easier to do in a text format IMO.

 

. As for the six-hour date, if you're having fun and it feels right, why not?

 

Totally agree. And the last hour of the date was actually her addition. We could have wrapped things up sooner, but she wanted to get tea after we walked, and we chatted for a long time as we drank them. I'm sure the under-the-table footrub encouraged her to add a few extra minutes as well

[Ms Darcy]

Ok but that's your bf, everyone is different, I wouldn't mind a guy texting me to ask for second date...maybe the details can be planned out over the phone, but even so I don't think that's necessary

 

I agree but like you said doesn't sound like anybody here is doing "important communication" texting, so this is pretty irrevlevant.

 

Thursday for Saturday isn't that bad, I mean Wednesday is ideal, but I wouldn't decline a date just because the guy asked on Thursday instead of Wednesday. As for the six-hour date, if you're having fun and it feels right, why not? I think when people place way too many rules and regulations on dating that's when you fall into the category of "nobody's good enough for me".

 

I think this is funny coming from someone who obsessed about a guy who you thought was sending pity texts. If I recall, that didn't work out very well.

 

I am sure there are lots of girls who would not mind guys texting them from the beginning all the time. It doesn't foster good communication - as you learned through your last experience.

 

I don't think you can go wrong making a deliberate effort to show a young lady that you view them as a lady and not a text buddy or as a last-minute option. I think it's better to err on the side of planning a date ahead, calling and keeping dates short versus the other side. This doesn't mean you cannot follow-up with an email or a text. It just means picking up the phone for the invitation.

 

But again, we disagree as to whether or not one should get intimate on a first/second date.

 

Also, I have had four bfs (current included) and all have called me for a date before we were official. All very different guys with the common trait of treating me very well.

[NorthDallas40]

Out of the 32 new messages I sent this weekend, here's the results:

 

22 - No reply

5 - Unopened

1 - Person closed their account

 

But I did receive 4 replies last night:

 

MARINA - She asked a couple of quick questions about my profile but didn't reply to my response. Seems like a dead end, which is ok with me.

 

SYLVIA - She was impressed with some specific things I mentioned about her profile, and seemed game to chat further. But I'm a bit on the fence about replying as I'm not sure I'm 100% interested. That's what happens when you've already messaged your first choices and start working down the list

 

VERA - She sent a short & somewhat silly reply, indicating that she likes talking rather than writing. I PM'd her my phone number a few minutes ago and said I'm free to talk tonight. I don't expect a reply.

 

JOY - This woman was new to the site and I definitely thought she had the most potential before I PM'd. She sent a fairly lengthy reply, noting that we had a lot in common and that I was the first person she'd talked to on the site. She specifically said "I'm intrigued... Let's keep chatting!" so I wrote back an equal-length reply with my phone number, saying I was free to talk that evening. She didn't reply, but coincidentally while I was writing this entry she just messaged "I'm on a business trip for the next week and a half, so I can call you when I get back! Look forward to speaking to you then!" so that's hopeful. I pm'd a quick "Sounds good, have a safe trip!" and will message her again in 10 days if I don't hear from her first.

 

Interestingly, one particularly good (and cute!) match had a photo gallery only viewable by people on *her* favorites list, which I had no idea OKC allowed you to do. So I'm assuming I was on her list and I'm really hoping for a reply; like Joy, she seemed like probably the best match out of the 32.

 

Hopefully a few more replies will trickle through tonight; some people tend to wait 24-48 hours before replying.

 

----------------------------

 

As for the existing conversations, no reply from AMY so that's probably a dead end.

 

And EDITH pm'd back saying that she's not really ready to be in a relationship, but is ok meeting as friends. I'm cool with that too, so we're working on meeting for dinner this week, and she said she's game to go to movies with me when she's free.

 

Lastly, right before lunch I texted JEANETTE an appetizing photo of some sushi I made last night with a short "have a good lunch!" message. I'm going to call her tonight in hopes of setting up a date this week.

[pl3asehelp]

I'd skip Edith. Who signs up for a dating site if they don't want to date? You really see a legit friendship resulting? One that won't cause problems for any relationship you get Into in the future?

[Nightdriver]

I'd skip Edith. Who signs up for a dating site if they don't want to date? You really see a legit friendship resulting? One that won't cause problems for any relationship you get Into in the future?

 

Agreed.

 

I personally wouldn't waste further time/money on Edith.

[bf3junkie]

good read. I was wondering how do you tell your date that you'll want to remain good friends and hang out but not as romantic partners?

[Ms Darcy]

I would totally pass on Edith.

[Blue Spiral]

Out of the 32 new messages I sent this weekend, here's the results:

 

22 - No reply

5 - Unopened

1 - Person closed their account

 

That's somewhat similar to my response ratio. Initiate contact in some form thirty times; maybe three return it. Like you, I went after the most attractive women, so I knew I was fighting an uphill battle.

[NorthDallas40]

I'd skip Edith. Who signs up for a dating site if they don't want to date? You really see a legit friendship resulting? One that won't cause problems for any relationship you get Into in the future?

 

My guess is she's not over an ex, or just doesn't find me attractive and is using that as an excuse. Either way, she was upfront about her feelings, which I appreciate. Besides, while I'm single I'm always down to meet new friends with no romantic involvement. In Edith's case, we have very similar music & movie tastes, and since I have couple's membership to a local repertory movie house it would be great to have a platonic companion so I don't have to go alone.

 

And as far as the date goes, she already said we could go dutch, which I would agree to in this case.

 

I've always had a lot of female friends anyway, and as I mentioned earlier in the thread, I'm now friends with a past OKC date. And I'm glad I am; she's a great activity partner and cool person to commiserate with over being single!

[NorthDallas40]

good read. I was wondering how do you tell your date that you'll want to remain good friends and hang out but not as romantic partners?

 

Email the next day and say "I had a great time with you last night, but I'd rather not pursue anything further than friendship at this point." Most of the time it ends in never talking again, but sometimes it does work out to really be friends later.

[NorthDallas40]

I messaged 10 more girls on OKC today, only 4 have been opened so far.

 

- But I got one response from MOLLY that was playful and said "You seem very interesting." I emailed back a flirtatious but nice response and suggested talking on the phone this evening, and I got a really original brush-off: "Would it be ok I randomly called you one day? Just not today but I do prefer chatting instead of emailing." Needless to say I'm not holding my breath.

 

- I also looked up JOY on FB (Note - I've been using aliases for everyone here on ENA to protect the innocent AND the guilty, but she has a very unusual name; it took 5 seconds to find her) and saw that we had some friends in common. So it might have been risky, but I sent her a brief message about our mutual friends, making a joke about being stalkerish and giving her my full name as a quid pro quo. I figure that if she was genuine about calling me in 10 days, now she has way to find out more about me and verify with our friends that I'm a stand-up guy in the meantime. She didn't reply, and I won't contact her further for another 10 days unless she initiates.

 

- Tonight EDNA agreed to meet on Wednesday for dinner.

 

- And Darcy you'll be happy to hear that I just got off a 30 minute phonecall with JEANETTE and we made tentative plans to meet next weekend. Though I have to admit that I'm not really feeling 100% sold on her. I had to carry most of the conversation (as usual), which can be PAINFUL on a phone call.

 

Especially when I tell a funny/interesting story and it's met with a mere "OK." Or when I ask a question about *her* and her reply contains as little information as humanly possible. She did laugh at my jokes and seems to enjoy talking with me (I think), but it's really tough trying to do all the heavy lifting.

 

So I think date #3 will be the make-or-break. That all said, she hasn't logged on to OKC since we last messaged each other on it 4 days ago, so I seriously doubt another guy is in the picture... though you never know.

[Ms Darcy]

Is Jeanette the one that turned her cheek when you went in to kiss her? Ugh. If so, I'm sorry you called her. Waste of time.

[NorthDallas40]

Approaching OKC burnout.

 

I think I'm going to give things on OKC about 2-3 weeks, and if nothing pans out (including JEANETTE), I'll give WYNN a call and hope she's open to talking again. She's a girl I dated throughout January who I liked a LOT, but I had some relatively superficial issues with being more serious at the time.

 

Because now I have some distance/closure from my breakup from KATE in November, and I'm getting some very sobering perspective through this whole OKC process. Rather than aiming for the stars for a possibly nonexistent "perfect woman," I'm probably better off with a girl who, though not as attractive as my ex, is pretty damn close - and is even more compatible personalitywise than Kate was. I just need to make sure that my perspective has changed for good - I don't want to disappear on Wynn again.

 

Anyway , I sent a couple more new messages last night, and got a couple of non-serious responses:

 

- DIDN'T REVEAL NAME - She responded after 25 minutes and used a lot of exclamation points, but said exactly what this movie fan didn't need to hear, which I'm assuming was 100% intentional: "I'm not big into TV and movies as I cannot sit still for more than 10 minutes! (like a 10 yr old)." Next.

 

- TINA - responded after 4 days being offline with "Where have you been hiding?" which sounded both inviting/flirtatious... and totally cut-and-paste. I replied flirtatiously & cleverly, but don't expect a reply.

 

I have to admit that these non-committal replies I've been getting lately are irritating; I'd far prefer no response at all. I was wondering why women even bother sending out replies when they're clearly not interested, and then I came accross this link:

 

link removed

 

The gist of the article is to encourage women on OKC to ALWAYS reply to EVERY message - no matter how douchebaggy - so that their "response rate indicator" will remain green instead of red. The idea being that men are intimidated by women who rarely reply (red), but are more likely to message those that reply frequently (green).

 

Personally I think this is an erroneous assumption; I've gotten replies back from "reds" several times, and when I see "green" on a profile, very often the woman is unattractive. After extensive experience on OKC, I see red and think "selective," I see green and think "desperate." Just being honest here.

 

So my advice is completely opposite to that link.

 

Ladies, please make it easy on everyone and DON'T REPLY UNLESS YOU'RE INTERESTED!

[NorthDallas40]

Work was slow today (as it's been for the past week or so) and we're allowed to use our downtime as we please. So I just sent out 23 new OKC messages, and pared my favorites list down to 8 pages. Getting there.

 

Some interesting observations:

 

- One of my recipients hadn't logged on in weeks, but logged in 20 minutes after receiving my message, visited my profile... but never read my note!

 

- I got an unsolicited message this morning around 8:30am from a woman who's visited my profile several times over the past weeks... and 7 hours later her profile had been taken down.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know ... if I were Wynn I wouldn't be interested (given what you said). It basically sounds like you view her as second choice beacuse you are tired and that you do not view her as a person who is AS attractive as your ex. I would not personally want that.

[bf3junkie]

what does it mean when a girl logs in but does not read your message. Has this happened to you?

 

what's so hard about opening a message and then ignoring it. At least open it lol.

[NorthDallas40]

what does it mean when a girl logs in but does not read your message. Has this happened to you?

 

This happens all the time.

 

Keep in mind that some (most) women are getting TONS of messages a day, so it's easy for some to slip through.

 

And some women might just see the photo, know they're not interested, and never bother opening the message.

 

*Very* occasionally I'll wait until a girl is back online, and re-send a message that wasn't opened previously. That usually gets them to read it... but doesn't necessarily mean they'll reply!

[Ms Darcy]

Keep in mind that some (most) women are getting TONS of messages a day, so it's easy for some to slip through.

 

Not really true.

[bf3junkie]

do many people use email notification? Maybe they don't need to login to read your message, they can read them at their own email address

[NorthDallas40]

I really want to get this whole OKC thing out of the way, so I sent another 23 messages and now have my favorites list down to 3 pages.

 

I received 2 replies this evening, but as has been the trend, they were short and non-committal.

 

bf3junkie: It's possible people are reading the messages offline, but to be honest it's not worth worrying about. If a message goes unread, 95% of the time it's probably by choice.

 

Darcy: I get what you're saying about Wynn, but as the saying goes, "when you settle down, you settle for." And I believe that, for all the positives & negatives it entails.

 

Kate was fantastically pretty, tall, stylish & young. But she left me. And as the months have gone by, I realize that I'm not likely to get a woman as attractive as her anytime soon. And if I do, it will probably be *very* temporary... because pretty women are able to pick, choose & "trade up." That's part of the perspective I've gotten 6 months post-BU. I've gone from thinking that we had a great lifelong romance to thinking that hey, I just was lucky to have a hot (and really great) girlfriend for a year. That's more than most guys get.

 

On the other hand, Wynn is quite attractive herself, stylish in her own way, as good in bed (and as smart/dependable/stable/well-mannered, etc.) as my ex... with the added bonus that we actually have more in common than I did with Kate! Not a day goes by that I don't think about reconciling. And if the OKC experiment doesn't pan out, I think I'll *really* appreciate having her back... if she takes me. Even now as I message some of these women, I see Wynn log in and think "Man, I should just try with her again and forget bothering with these other chicks who don't even care."

 

Is Wynn as attractive as Kate? No. But do I appreciate her other great traits enough to make up for that? If I end up calling her back, I'm going to make damn sure the answer is yes.