Please...I really need your help dealing with this

[anotherperson]

Hi

 

I have been going out with my current partner for the past 6 months and I love her dearly. We're both in our early 20s (with a 4 year age gap). She's a very attractive girl, and came out of a 4 year relationship the day before she started going out with me. Her last boyfriend cheated on her, but this only came out after they had broken up (about 2 weeks). She ended it with him because she and I had been friends for many months and we both really had feelings for eachother. Also he treated her very badly (apart from cheating). Instead of cheating on him, she broke off with him. She says that she would never cheat, even though every single time I've been with her in clubs, she gets hit on. She either pushes them away, or points at me. Thankfully there has never been trouble with guys not accepting the fact that she is already taken. However when she has a lot of drink in her, she can act rather inappropriately, in that she attracts attention to herself, and loves getting attention.

 

We've been so close for the past 6 months, spending every spare minute of time we have with eachother. We work in the same place, so get to go to lunch together, go to work, go home from work together. We don't live together, but very nearby eachother. We socialise with eachother friends, and our friends very rarely see us alone. My girlfriends friends also work with us so they're around most of the time too, but only see my girlfriend on her own in a work context.

 

That's the background info, so here is the problem...

This evening one of my girlfriends friends rang my girlfriend while we were shopping demanding to speak with her. I walked my girlfriend to meet her friend, and she asked me to leave them talk, so I did. When she came back she said that we needed to spend some of our free time apart, to let her socialise with her friends without me. She said her friends (although they really like me, and have no problem with me) are sick and tired of not being able to hang out with my girlfriend without me. I on the otherhand have gotten a similar vibe of my friends whom I see very rarely anyway, that they don't see me without her. Eventhough they haven't been as blunt as my girlfriends friend, they still give me the vibe that that would like ot have "guys nights out". Personally I don't like going anywhere without her, and was happy to tell my friends to bugger off anytime they suggested to leave home without her. They seemed to accept this fact that I would be with her.

 

Now I feel that my girlfriend has wanted for a while now, some time to spend with her friends alone (bars, clubs, lunch, etc), but not wanted to say it to me. I asked her and she said straight out that she does want time alone with her friends, to have girly chats, etc. But what I worry about is that this whole "friend demanding to have a talk to her" was orchastrated. I feel that my girlfriend wanted me to be with her when a call to her phone was made. I feel this because I've heard her say in recent times things like....."I miss hanging around with people x or y". At the same time she said she "doesn't want to leave me because she loves spending time with me", and that "she can't keep everyone happy". So I asked her it's about what she wants, and nobody else. I asked her straight out "what do you want?", and she said "OK so....I do want free time". This is what made me believe it was orchastrated.

 

So of course I'm not going to stop my girlfriend or ask her not to spend alone time with her friends. She said she wants to have girly chats, etc, and that she cannot have them with men around. So would you think it would be fair for her to head out with male friends of hers for example, that we both know fancy her, and ban me from joining her. I fear that this may happen, and that she will insist that I'm being posessive by not wanting her socialising with friends even though we know that they fancy her. She'd love the attention. Would you guys tolerate that?

 

I need help dealing with this, what should I do?

 

Thank you in advance.....and very sorry for the long post, I just wanted to give a clear overview and to do that I had to be somewhat comprehensive.

[cleverme123]

I seem to think that maybe she jumped into another relationship without really dealing with the last. Usually when people go from one relationship to another this happens. when you are unhappy with someone (and please don't get offended) other people seem to make things all better. Where as I am not saying she doesn't have feelings for you, I think that she is not looking to be tied down at the present time. She is taking time for herself and going out with her friends and spending time with you...

She may need you to lean on because of the dreaded thought of being alone, but don't be surprised if you find yourself on a cooling off period with her. I have experience in going from one relationship to another, you often find faults with the other person once the honeymoon phase is over. Meaning only that when the other person isn't there you start to see their true colors.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I think that you should trust her and let her have her "girly" time. If she does something that you know is wrong then you should confront her about it, but until then you should trust. If you try to keep her with you all the time she will grow to resent it and then she might consider breaking up in order to have freedom.

 

You love her, let her have a full life and her own friends too. I'm sure you want a well-rounded, emotionally healthy girlfriend. She is an adult and she should know what behavior is not appropriate, you can't really babysit her 24-7. Let her go and see what kind of woman she is. If she is true to you then she will keep her flirting under control. If not.. then you will know that maybe she is not ready for a serious relationship.

 

Trust her

[anotherperson]

If she does something that you know is wrong then you should confront her about it, but until then you should trust.

 

.....

 

She is an adult and she should know what behavior is not appropriate

You see my problem is that I don't know what is appropriate and what's not. I admit that I have to let her go and be with her friends for girly things, but I think that she could make it easier on me to trust her. She has told me about nights out in the past that she went out with the girls without her ex and the things she used to get up to. Her ex never knew about any of it, and I'm sure he wouldn't have been happy. For example she put decorations down her top in a club in the past and then started handing them out to complete strangers while drunk. I think that kind of behaviour is just looking for attention. I know she hasn't actually cheated her, but I think her behaviour goes down that road. On two occasions guys have made an unwelcomed move on her and have successfully kissed her before her pushing them away. Surely they wouldn't have tried that without thinking first that it is cool to do so?. I just think that her behaviour is a little "too much". Yet I described the "sexy dancing" before as something that I thought was uncessesary while out without me, and some of you disagree maintaining that it is perfectly normal that she does this. So perhaps I'm wrong about other things that she does, and that I shouldn't have a problem. I just think that she gives the impression to guys that she's single, and will only tell them otherwise when it comes to them actually making a move on her. I know in this case she's respecting our relationship and not cheating, but surely she should have acted a bit better than letting it come to this.

 

Can anyone give me a description of what kind of behaviour they consider disrespectful to the relationship?

 

Thank you.

[Mun]

It sounds like this girl is a little too "wild" for your taste. Maybe it's time you consider whethere she is the right kind of girl for you.

 

You have a hard time trusting her after all the things she has told you that she has done in the past... and I don't blame you. I think she should know where her limits and, but from what you say it sounds like she likes the attention much more than she worries about being true to her boyfriend.

 

I would say anytime you feel disrespected by her behavior-- thats a good sign that it's inappropriate. I personally would not go clubbing with my friends without my guy on a girls night out... I would go to a movie and dinner----some nice down time. That might be something you could discuss with her. If she cares how you feel about this then she will honor your feelings... if she doesn't then you are going to have to make some decisions about your relationship.

 

Good luck.

[anotherperson]

I personally would not go clubbing with my friends without my guy on a girls night out

Really?. I know you said that is your personal decision to do that, but do you think that my girl is asking for a lot by telling me that she must go out with the girls without me?. I would have thought that most couples spend time alone with their friends, and not want their partner to join them. We used to go out all the time together in the past. Her friends did ask her to spend time with them alone. All her friends are single, and after men. Even today I can see the way she's getting giddy and looking forward to going out with them and can't help but feel that she'll act the exact same way with my back turned. You see if I said to her that I didn't like the way she behaved (re: putting items down her top, etc, in a club) she would tell me it was all in the name of fun, and that she wasn't cheating and start saying that I wouldn't be making an issue if I really trusted her. You see she would turn the table and make me feel guilty, when I feel like she's the one that is in the wrong. I know she can chose to live her life any way she wants, but she really thinks that cheating is when she allows another guy to make a physical move on her, etc, and everything else is not cheating.

 

Anytime my gut tells me she's acting disrespectfully and I'd confront her, she'd always say that what she's doing isn't cheating and that I'm just not trusting her again. So I can't really win. She knows I would never act inappropriately, and I don't really want to, to be honest. I don't think me letting girls flirt with me and me neglecting to mention that I'm in a relationship is something I would do, and she knows this. She knows I hold fidelity very high up, and she tells me she does the same. She says that she would never cheat on me, and I say to her well why do you act the way you do, and she says that she's not doing anything wrong and that I can't control how she behaves and that I should just accept.

 

Is there anything I can do/say to her that will get her to understand, or should I just accept that girls act this way, and I should just trust her when she tells me she wouldn't disrespect "us".

[Mun]

Personally I feel that her disregarding your feelings and making this out to be " your problem" is disrespect enough. If she really cared she would take into account how you feel about this and she would try to keep you happy too... not just her girlfriends.

 

Maybe I'm just too conservative but I don't see her behavior that of someone with a boyfriend at home. I'm sorry.

 

I think you are going to have to think about this and really make up your mind whether you want to keep on wondering what she is doing when she is out there alone with her party friends. In my opinion, if she wants to party without you---she should be single...but that is my opinion after all.

 

You should have a woman who cares about your feelings and respects you. Think about it. I hope you can figure out what you need to do to make you happy.

 

Good luck