Early dating advice - advice please!

[RayKay]

Sorry, this may be long.

 

Generally it would be best if guys in their mid-20s and up could answer this one for me since you are more in the range of the gentleman I am interested in.

 

There is a man that I have seen a couple times, who I am, for the first time in a long time, absolutely smitten with and have been since we first met. We have had some great dates, have a lot of fun together (are able to tease one another), share common interests (are both outdoorsy and train for our interests), are both intelligent and have a good rapport. And the physical attraction and chemistry are both also very much there. We have slept together, and it was absolutely awesome, and we have also just hung out in bed for hours in the morning talking and doing nothing. We make each other laugh, and seem to be able to be very honest with one another. The impressions so far are very good, and he has expressed interest in sticking around and learning more about me - he likes my outgoing nature, he is intrigued by me and figures me to be pretty unique as well, and thinks I am as hot as a habanero I of course as I said, am smitten, and cannot even really explain it, but I just FEEL right about it.

 

Anyway, on to the question. Yesterday afternoon we were talking online (he had only left my place 4 hours before) and we were just having a casual conversation when he brought up...dun dun dun....the question of where do I see this going? Now I know enough to be careful about laying ALL my cards out on the table, and to jump into something too fast but I did mention some things to him. I did say that I was interested in him, and would like to see where it goes and give it a fair chance basically.

 

I think we are both pretty cautious people now due to both being hurt/burned in past (though he said he is not crispy!) and want to have fun and see what happens. But, I know at same time for me, while I am used to dating several people to prevent myself from getting too involved with any one person as I am picky (and he laughed as he does the same) right now, the conundrum is I actually REALLY like this guy, and don't want to date anyone else and just give this a fair chance and see where it goes - but I don't (and I said this to him) want to invest myself into someone who is damaged goods! Been there, done that!

 

His words were that he is not afraid to commit, he is maybe a bit afraid of getting hurt, but if everything is right he is willing to go for it. He is just being a bit more cautious given his past experiences where he was burned - so has to make sure it is REALLY right. The impression I have so far is that he was often the one dumped, and now he told me he is almost used to having a Plan B in anticipation of that - then again he also thought maybe he always pursued girls who did not share common interests (which is not the case for me). Now, if I was not sure this could have potential, I would drop it...but I really really do think it could!

 

So, the decision was to keep doing what we are doing (which is seeing each other/dating but not totally exclusive as of yet) and see where it progresses. It is sure to progress, it is just a matter of how far (his words). He told me he has been flirting with another girl, but there has been no nakedness, and she is a smoker anyway so thats a big no-no for him. I admitted I have been casually dating someone as well though not sure the click is there. We have agreed on the rules that if we do get intimate with anyone else we will talk about it, and if we lose interest or get interested in someone else we will also tell the other person - so right now we are sexually exclusive.

 

He does hint around that he would like to know more and that we may progress here. For example, about how he can't wait to hear more stories from me, or how he needs to be careful around me in the future as in um...the throes of passion, I tend to leave little marks on his neck (he called me a lil vamp) which are not good for presentations. For the record, he does the same to me Then there are things like how we should go biking together, and a joke about for Christmas he should buy me training wheels with this picture I sent of me crashing over nothing on my bike. He is affectionate and will grab my hand in public or caress my lower back. Stuff like that.

 

I need some advice then on how to go about this? I am certainly not a woman who is going to DEMAND exclusiveness right off the bat, but I do admit I do think we could have something here, and I would hate to fall victim to possible distracting maneuvers on his part....okay what it really comes down to is how do I stand out against any competition and instigate him to want to make sure he does not lose me? I know I am very worth someone getting involved with, but given he and I have only gone out a couple times, he will not have seen all of that yet I assume, or realized that, despite fact we seem to get along very well and have a great "click".

 

Do I just remain ambivalent to the other "love" interests he may have and be somewhat elusive of my own (even if I opt not to have any others). Do I make sure to show my interest, with little gestures/actions (ie, he is away for three days this weekend to visit his parents, I was thinking of sending him a quick text message tomorrow to just say I was thinking of him, but would that be welcomed, or too much?

 

I know this is long, but the thing is I REALLY feel good about this guy, there is something there that I cannot explain and I am smitten and really really want to win this guy over! I just don't want to lose him before I even got started!

[Day_Walker]

Well you have to realize that there are certain things that you have control over and things you dont. You have no control over how he feels about you, so you need to realize that and know it. All you can do is have fun with this guy and see how the situation turns out. If you ask for anything more than that then you are hopeless.

 

Of course its up to you if you want to send him a text message telling him that you are thinking about him. There is a fine line when showing interest in another person, giving the openess of your relationship it would seem like over kill to me. That doesnt mean you cant text him with something else. Just realize that there are consequences for your actions and you dont want him to take it the wrong way.

[RayKay]

Well you have to realize that there are certain things that you have control over and things you dont. You have no control over how he feels about you, so you need to realize that and know it. All you can do is have fun with this guy and see how the situation turns out. If you ask for anything more than that then you are hopeless.

 

Of course its up to you if you want to send him a text message telling him that you are thinking about him. There is a fine line when showing interest in another person, giving the openess of your relationship it would seem like over kill to me. That doesnt mean you cant text him with something else. Just realize that there are consequences for your actions and you dont want him to take it the wrong way.

 

Thanks for your reply Day Walker. I agree on the above, and I certainly am not asking for more - he was in fact the one that brought all this up yesterday I know I can just be me, and see where it goes from there!

 

Well, I will send him something tomorrow but not necessarily say "I was thinking of him", I think even just a note saying hi would imply I must have thought of him anyway! I'll think of something more casual though, since he is away for a few days.

 

Maybe something like:

 

Hey (sexy, his name, or something!), hope you are having a wonderful time at home, look forward to seeing you again! Cheers, Oprah (an in joke we have)

[tiger_lilies]

Wow. I'm going through a similar situation. I find that with the guy I like, that we are playing a game of phone tag. Meaning, I am trying my hardest not to be too overbearing on him. I'd love to call him everyday to see how his day is going, but I hold off because I don't want to over do it!

 

The only difference between your story and mine is that we haven't had the "talk" yet. So I don't really know where we're going with "us".

 

I think that since you guys have had the "talk" then it's a bit easier for you to show more affection, such as texing him or just calling him to chat. I agree with Daywalker on texing him with something else...maybe with a joke or something that he needs to respond to you with.

[RayKay]

Wow. I'm going through a similar situation. I find that with the guy I like, that we are playing a game of phone tag. Meaning, I am trying my hardest not to be too overbearing on him. I'd love to call him everyday to see how his day is going, but I hold off because I don't want to over do it!

 

The only difference between your story and mine is that we haven't had the "talk" yet. So I don't really know where we're going with "us".

 

I think that since you guys have had the "talk" then it's a bit easier for you to show more affection, such as texing him or just calling him to chat. I agree with Daywalker on texing him with something else...maybe with a joke or something that he needs to respond to you with.

 

Thanks tiger! Frustrating, isn't it?

 

Yeah, he did start a "talk" but in some ways it has even made things more confusing, I have never really had this "dating someone regularly thing but casual so not exclusive" situation before! The thing is, I COULD keep dating others, but I know me...I'll do it for a couple weeks then be like what's the point, and stop anyway. Yet, don't want to limit myself that much given the fact we are not "exclusive" yet...sooo confusing! I am trying to show interest/affection yet as you, not be overbearing.

 

Best of luck for your side though. Phone tag..ugh! Have you had a few dates yet? I would just leave a message joking about how hard it is to catch one another, so we might as well set up a date to meet. Or something

[Beec]

SLOW DOWN. First thing. Don't be so available.

 

You saw him and then four hours later were messaging. That seems like you two heading back together for more contact quickly. Don't burn this out. It sounds great, but too much, too fast, and one of you may not want any soon.

 

I feel like I am in the opposite boat. I am have been seeing a woman for just over two months, who I think is pretty fantastic. I've had some serious relationships in the recent past, but this feels better than they ever did. I am trying to ration my contact, just a little. I resist calling her as much as I want to. I sat in a meeting all morning and wanted to text her something, but resisted. (I have seen her Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday nights, so my effort at rationing needs some increase. But she wants to see me too.)

 

I try to have an on/off switch, that sometimes she gets me being sweet, nice and/or seductive, and at others more aloof. Over the next couple days, I am going to try to be mroe off than I have been recently. Why? Because I already ordered something that, while not expensive, she will enjoy and consider very thoughtful. So with a good "On" approaching, I will be more aloof or "off". The idea is to keep her, from my perspective, wanting more. If you give them everything all the time, what more could they want?

 

Good luck.

[RayKay]

Thanks Beec

 

Yeah, we did start talking again not long after he left, but he is also gone for four days, so now I am in forced withdrawal!

 

I agree with you completely, I guess I am just in that state where I feel I need to stand out from the competition more - if I disappear or am too aloof, someone might be in my place....

[CarterJonas]

Really good advice Beec, couldn't have put it better myself.

[Beec]

But you trying to take up all his time or be in a lot of contact is not the answer. What he should notice is a distinct difference: he feels great when you are around; and he does not have the same feelings when you are not near him. If you are near him all the time, he won't notice this difference.

[RayKay]

But you trying to take up all his time or be in a lot of contact is not the answer. What he should notice is a distinct difference: he feels great when you are around; and he does not have the same feelings when you are not near him. If you are near him all the time, he won't notice this difference.

 

Right, and that I am definitely not trying to do (take up his time or be in lots of contact). So far he has been the one to ask me out on our dates, and our contact is fairly minimal - I don't call him up or anything like that. We do talk at work on MSN sometimes periodically in day, but then also some days I am not on there at all due to work. I don't ask him when are we going to get together again or try to push him into anything, or even more commitment - he was the one that brought it up in fact.

 

I need the time to build up that "difference" in being around me or not around me, which is difficult if there is a presense of other women around. I won't be talking to him at all today, was going to send him the small text msg tomorrow, and then will wait for him to contact me on his return sometime.

[Beec]

I need the time to build up that "difference" in being around me or not around me, which is difficult if there is a presense of other women around. I won't be talking to him at all today, was going to send him the small text msg tomorrow, and then will wait for him to contact me on his return sometime.

 

You should not need much time. It's more about a different in quality than a difference in quantity.

 

Make your texts, short and sweet. One I sent that seemed to score big points was when she was away: "Hi Gorgeous, How's __________ (where she was)?" So few words.

[RayKay]

Thanks Beec for the advice, I see what you are saying. I think I just need a big shot in the arm of CONFIDENCE. As my guy friend said to me today, I could win any man I wanted, and even my ex told me today I am a great catch and a fantastic girl...I just need to believe it more and know that I do stand out amongst the others! It is tough though, as I DO want to spend time with him as well, as he has me pretty interested!

 

And I'll keep my text short, personalized a bit for him though of course. I think I'll call him hawt stuff or sexy instead of gorgeous though - seems a bit manlier!

[Scout]

This is my opinion, and it's ONLY an opinion:

 

I am concerned that you are already too smitten too fast. I absolutely agree with Beec's advice to slow down or one of you is going to burn out sooner rather than later. The reason I am concerned is because I too met someone recently that everything seemed perfect with. And then he disappeared. This has happened to me before with other guys too, but I think the lesson finally sunk in this time: I am not going to hope for anything until someone proves himself to me. If it kills me, I WILL stifle that impulse to get carried away on cloud nine until the guy proves to me he is FOR REAL.

 

I'm also concerned that your guy made a point out of bringing up the fact he's dating someone else, even if he made it sound like they're not a likely match. I have never - I repeat never - had a long term boyfriend start off the relationship by telling me he was dating someone else. In my opinion, guys know pretty soon if they are going to like a girl long term or not, and if they decide they are, they won't do anything to cast doubts/fears, etc. that could screw their chances up.

 

I have also never had someone who ended up being a long term boyfriend initiate the "where are we going" talk until at least after a month of dating. The guys that have charmed me, rushed things, then left shortly after getting what they wanted (me in bed) - did bring up talks like that fairly soon.

 

I'm sorry Ray Kay - I know I always seem to be the voice of doom. But I felt very compelled to tell you this because as I was reading what you wrote, I felt like I was having deja vu.

 

No one would be more delighted than me to be completely wrong, though. Keep us posted.

[RayKay]

Hey Scout, I would be more apt to agree with you if it was not for the wholly positive signs he does give me. He did not just come right out telling me about the other girl, I kind of hinted for the info more like it, which he told me there was not anyone other than someone he has flirted with, but he is not that interested in and she is aware he is seeing me. As you know, we did meet online (though have friends in common) so it is not that unusual to ask if someone is dating anyone else in my experience from there.

 

And the talk, well, I would also agree with sometimes but, given we have been intimate, I don't think it is wrong to know what is up with the other partner. In other words, it was not about charming me, but just being honest about where we both are and how we want to go about this. From what I understand he has had a tendency to jump into something without really looking (as in, not dating for a while to find out if they are someone you want a relationship with, but automatically becoming involved).

 

The thing is, we have a LOT of shared interests, and while the physical attraction component is there, so is the mental, lifestyle, etc. From what I understand, his history with women is actually quite tame and I know this from other sources as well, not just him.

 

And I have a gut feeling, that if he was not interested, he would of just not bothered asking me out again, or in fact talking with me again

 

I would not say I am TOO smitten, and I thin for some reason people are getting wrong impression about how fast we are moving, but I would say my interest level is quite high, we just have that click. Yesterday, what he said was he would definitely like to see how things progress - as there is no doubt they will, but as to how far both of us are still in the dark about

[Scout]

I just re-read my post, and I think it's possible that part of my wariness is because I'm still smarting from that recent burn. I do believe that having a positive outlook can make a real difference sometimes, and that's something I'd like to acquire more of.

 

Whatever happens Ray Kay, you ARE a catch! So please keep that at the top of your thoughts over everything else.

[RayKay]

I just re-read my post, and I think it's possible that part of my wariness is because I'm still smarting from that recent burn. I do believe that having a positive outlook can make a real difference sometimes, and that's something I'd like to acquire more of.

 

Whatever happens Ray Kay, you ARE a catch! So please keep that at the top of your thoughts over everything else.

 

Understandable! I too have been one of the walking wounded or jaded veterans of the dating wars! I know how hard it is to think positive sometimes, but I usually do try my best too see the glass as not only half full, but aim to fill it back up as well!

 

Thanks Scout, and remember that you are just as fantastic!

[Scout]

Awww, thanks. Please do keep us posted as this develops. I think we could all benefit from it.

[phantom_]

i'm kind of in the same situation. i met someone new not long ago and we clicked so well, everything happened very fast. we didnt have 'the talk' yet but we act like bf/gf in the sense we aren;t seeing anyone else by choice.

 

i too thought a bit about it moving too quickly, but honestly...i havent felt this way about someone in YEARS, im not going to risk screwing it up just to play a cat and mouse game that makes me seem half interested and have them go off dating others. surely the advice on this thread is great but i dont think it applies to everyone. how often do you really meet someone that you really enjoy being with right off the bat? for me its worth going for it. i guess only you know if you guys are both willing to really take a chance on each other. good luck