He's Just Not That Into You

[rachelb11]

Has anyone read this book? It was featured on Sex and the City and Oprah, and my friend told me about it and basically, it says that guys don't like being pursued by the girl and if he doesn't call and says he would, or if he doesn't initiate conversation or try to talk to you, then he's just not that into you. And if he was interested, he would go find you somehow.

 

Do you guys agree?

[Mun]

I absolutely agree. You can tell when a man is interested because he will go out of his way for you and he won't mind it. He will be happy just to have some time with you.

You won't be making excuses for him because you will know how he feels...

[Hailey]

The truth is, if a guy likes/loves you, he will not even call but do everything he can to get you. know what I mean?

 

If he doesn't.. well sorry he's not that into you.

[bat_grrl]

Do you think that is always true? I have been dealing with this issue in some other forums.

 

I am always scheduling my day around talking to my LDR bf and it seems as of lately he isn't doing the same (I haven't heard from him in 2 days and if I don't hear from him today it will be the thrid day). He always has good reasons for not being online when he says he will but I really think he could make an attempt to email a few quick lines.

 

Anyway, in some of the other forums we have discussed the differences between men and women and the way that they communicate and need communication. Many women need the constant contact and the reminders that their guy is thinking of them. Many men however say that they know we love them and don't need to be reminded constantly.

 

I don't want to think that my guy has to be as emotionally needy as I am, or be just like me or he doesn't love me or isn't into me. We do definitely need to talk about how his not contacting me for a couple of days makes me feel.

 

I don't think that it is necessarily true that we can expect our bf to act/feel/behave just as we would or do. everyone is different, has different needs and expresses love and affection in different ways.

[RayKay]

link removed

[Mun]

I am always scheduling my day around talking to my LDR bf and it seems as of lately he isn't doing the same (I haven't heard from him in 2 days and if I don't hear from him today it will be the thrid day). ..... Many men however say that they know we love them and don't need to be reminded constantly.

 

 

I think you should probably stop scheduling your day around him. I bet he know you love him he doesn't need you scheduling your stuff around him to show him. I have a feeling that just makes him feel like he has to accommodate you.. not like he wants to.. do you understand?

 

The difference between us is tricky. As a woman we usually want lots of attention and constant reassurance, I don't think all men feel this way. They are just fine going off doing their own thing without us hanging all over them ( not that you do this.. just example) ..this goes with the second part of what I quoted. If a man is saying he doesn't need a constant reminder...then we should listen right? It's coming from the horses mouth so to speak

 

Last night I suggested another girl read this article..the link is located at my signature. A man's idea of a perfect girlfriend. Check out what it says. Just some things to keep in mind in the relationship. It's pretty interesting if nothing else and I think it's written from the male perspective.

 

Good luck to you.

[JonnyG]

*Removed* Flamebait material

 

Depends, i'll still often bottle chatting to a girl i really like the look of, because unless im pretty sure the girl is interested in me, I can't be bother to waste my time and take another rejection. If I've had a few to drink I can usually pluck up the courage to try chat to a girl who really hasen't shown an interest. If she has looked at me and/ or smiled at me (key body language), then I don't need any alcohol, i'll be up there

 

If I do find a girl i like I will definitely call/tx her again after a night out. So, yes the book is true here, but it doesn't take a genius to figure this out.

 

Its a pity that it sounds like a book for women who are told "Don't do any work yourself. Don't risk rejection. Don't call him. He will do all the work if he likes u!" *sigh*

 

How about the other way around? If a girl really likes u, she will do all the work? Get outta here (well some will i guess), so thereforeeee many girls are wasting opportunities due to fear of rejection again. They let the perfect man walk out of their life . Back to the big "R" word again

 

EDIT: I forgot to add that girl pursueing guy thing is utter BS again. How many times will this stupid myth come up? How many guys do u think are not going to be happy to have sarah michelle geller, Jennifer Anniston, Louise, Neve Campbell and other gorgeous women coming up to them?

[Soulfully]

Hehehe...Im sorry to say, but IMO that aint always true! It would only be true if we perceived everything in life in black and white. Sure, the whole dating scene would be more effective and simpler if everybody knew what they wanted and did exactly what they feel like doing, i.e. i really like her, im really into her, so i´ll do anything to be with her...cos im really into her...and if not, its because im not really into her?" Hilarious.

 

Why do I say this, well... bare in mind that I havent read the book, and I might be misunderstanding it all...so please forgive me if I do. Well, i find it hilarious how there is a great divide between the whole female aimed magazines, media, tv-series etc... and that aimed at guys. Having a 26 year old sister helps a lot, since I get all the feedback and actually read and see many of what my sister has...to try and understand the female psyche a little u know hehhe. But then i read all these male magazines, websites etc...all aimed at how you're supposed to attract girls. Well, let me tell you guys something, a lot of it is proper contradictory, and I can understand how this makes people out there even more confused and annoyed at each other, between the sexes. Its like some stupid battle of sexes.

 

Just to give a basic example of what is going on...

"So men are "taught" to not give immediate signs, not call, not show too much interest, not to come on to heavily etc... cos women apparently freak out, are testing you... etc..." So we men are there feeling strongly for a girl, yet we are trying to apply these rules because apparently this is how you really attract women. Then on the other side, we have women reading these books saying that if a guy doesnt really call you after a date, seems to ignore you, or simply doesnt pay much attention to you ... then he's not really into you. Mmmmmmmmm...

 

Anyways, I can find many of these sort of examples along the way, where all these media influences make things even more confusing for both sexes. Yes, we are different, men and women are different, but does it really have to come down to this? Everybody wishes things were simpler and to have a simple answer to everything...i.e. this guy isnt calling me, and I thought he really liked me after our first date. So he probably isnt that interested. Well, let me tell you, this guy may very well be applying a tactic advised by other "expert player men" who say that you should wait at least a week or 10 days or something, cant remember very well... before calling your date after the first date. This is apparently to maintain her interest levels high...keep her wondering! Cos apparently women love these games? But then you get these media books telling women that its simply because he isnt that into you? hehehhe...hilarious.

 

If im wrong, sorry, but I see this a lot a lot a lot!

Long live games huh? hehehhe

[RayKay]

Its a pity that it sounds like a book for women who are told "Don't do any work yourself. Don't risk rejection. Don't call him. He will do all the work if he likes u!" *sigh*

 

How about the other way around? If a girl really likes u, she will do all the work? Get outta here (well some will i guess), so thereforeeee many girls are wasting opportunities due to fear of rejection again. They let the perfect man walk out of their life . Back to the big "R" word again

 

Well, that book is not really like that. It does not say don't do any work or show any interest, it is more for those women who ARE showing interest, who are in relationships where they are not getting what they put into it in return. An example being the woman who has been with a guy for years and he still won't marry her. If he was that into her, he would know after years he wanted to marry her, rather than keep stringing her along with the promise of one day. It is for those women for whom the guy is ALWAYS too busy - if a guy is interested, he'll make the time (just as I would for a guy!). It's more about teaching women not to be doormats.

[JonnyG]

Its a pity that it sounds like a book for women who are told "Don't do any work yourself. Don't risk rejection. Don't call him. He will do all the work if he likes u!" *sigh*

 

How about the other way around? If a girl really likes u, she will do all the work? Get outta here (well some will i guess), so thereforeeee many girls are wasting opportunities due to fear of rejection again. They let the perfect man walk out of their life . Back to the big "R" word again

 

Well, that book is not really like that. It does not say don't do any work or show any interest, it is more for those women who ARE showing interest, who are in relationships where they are not getting what they put into it in return. An example being the woman who has been with a guy for years and he still won't marry her. If he was that into her, he would know after years he wanted to marry her, rather than keep stringing her along with the promise of one day. It is for those women for whom the guy is ALWAYS too busy - if a guy is interested, he'll make the time (just as I would for a guy!). It's more about teaching women not to be doormats.

 

Ok, I wasen't sure if it was a first time meeting or a long time dating situation or what. I havent read the book. Well I guess unless a guy is not into marriage, then "yes", he will eventually ask for her hand if he really likes her instead of stringing her along.

[ck]

Your right Jonny they are taught to do nothing, I don't get how a person can scream about being equal and fair when they feel they don't have to be equal in everything, and only in the things they want to be equal in.

 

Listen the same insecurities, doubts, shyness, introvertedness a woman has, can be the same for anyother human being female or male. So how can you say one gender is different from another? You don't know because you haven't been walking in that persons shoes.

 

Just like you don't want anybody saying girls aren't interested in guys if they aren't needy or hanging all over them.

 

Or do women really think that statement is true?

Then if so let me know so I don't waste my time thinking about a girl who seems to not be interested?

 

Because after all it is fair to prejudge people who do it to you.

[JonnyG]

Very good response ck, but lets keep this 1 on the topic at hand, otherwise your get another telling off from Avman and the thread might get locked

 

The book is apparently talking bout long term relationships, not the intial meetings. And I would agree, that if a man is really into a girl, and isn't agans't marriage, he will definitely ask for her hand. He will do anything for her.

[Mun]

Hey there,

I have to say something because I was a little surprised when this happened.

Last week I finally met this guy. We live about 20 minutes away, I met him 3years ago in an internet chatroom ( there you go Scout) but I had postponed meeting him in person because truth is .. I was not that interested.

 

He has confessed to me many times that he is shy. That's a problem for me because I tend to be a little shy myself with men, but he called me again earlier this year.. then for awhile during the summer and we finally met.

 

Ok this is a shy guy.... but wouldn't you believe he was trying to hold my hand all night .. when I gave in he just had a good time playing with my hand in his.. at some point he asked for a hug.. he was so sweet.. yes I hugged him later-- he touched my hair and kept on playing with it very innocently and to say goodbye he asked for a kiss and I was going to give him a kiss on the cheek and the sneaky devil turned and I ended up pecking his lips .

 

Now unless being shy is his "cover" this guy overcame his shyness in order to get closer to me. ( and he was really nervous too.. it was refreshing, to say the least)

 

He just called me last night ( a week later) to catch up and stuff. Soo.. I do believe that if a man is interested in you he will FIND A WAY to overcome his shyness or else lose an oportunity to get to know you.

 

I guess you can say he "was into me"....

[Scout]

I've only read a couple of chapters of the book. I personally think it should have been directed towards both genders, rather than just women, because the behaviors described in the book can apply to men or women who aren't really interested in a relationship.

 

I also got the sense it wasn't emphasizing either short term or long term relationships, but both.

 

To be honest, I wish everyone would read this book, because it would save a lot of us from prolongued angst and wondering.

 

JonnyG, I do agree with your point that some books like this might be taken too literally by some people, and automatically assume they are being rejected EVERYTIME someone is late calling, doesn't call when they said the would, tapers off on seeing you, etc. I mean, it's not a good habit to automatically give up at the first signs of conflict.

 

But for the most part, I thought it was right on - well, based on the two chapters I read - and depicted scenarios where it's just plain common sense to realize the person isn't that interested in you, so stop pining over them and wondering what they feel instead of finding someone who actually WILL be interested in you. It was actually well-written, and funny as hell! You should check it out, I recommend it to either gender.

 

Basically, they say a lot of the same things we try to advise to posters on here who are being treated like absolute crap by their partners/dating companions and just don't seem to get that this isn't acceptable behavior in a relationship.

 

I would say it's meant to be a humor book, but actually contains useful feedback, too...just stated in a pretty darn direct way.