Love145 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Woke up at the time I had set my alarm on Cleaned my face (goal of the week) Did my 4th day meditation. It's hard to stay focused. But I'm trying Second day without smoking Made a delicious healthy version of cashew chicken Lost a pound Went to the gym Walked at 3.8 for 20 mts and felt I was dying. Did 35 mts on the treadmill. My HRM didn't work till the end of the workout. Went to the bike 15 mts Did 10 mts elliptical 16 squats 50 crunches Got my period. So I'm a bit emotional. Took a nice back Didn't talk to R. I'm on the process of re-decorating my house. I have to go clean my face and do my Obagy night treatment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love145 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 I don't get why I let things affect me so deeply. I know better. Breath, relax, let go, repeat a mantra, and move on... Simple easy efficace! It's not the people that have hurt me or taken advantage of my good heart, is the way I react to their actions. Extended familly... A boyfriend... A sister... A mother.... It's not them... It's me... I need to love myself enough to not get into this emotional messy situations. I'm not confused, I'm in perfect harmony, I'm in peace, I forgive myself for what is done, and I move on happy, optimistic and imperfect health. The love of God is with me. It is guiding me.... I will leave in His arms all that has been hurting em and bothering me, so he can heal and work with my heart. I wish my girfriend could journal here too... So we both could have our little place to express how we feel at the same time we share our journey and get to look each others journal and see in a year from now how much we have grown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love145 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Today was not an easy day... But I ended up doing lots of productive things. I went to eat at my mom's house, felt bad for not helping with the dishes, also felt guilty for not going to the gym, I also ate foods I don't usually eat. Lots of carbs. But the good kind, like beans. And I also went to bible study. I didn't really want to, but I knew my friend needed me, and at the end I felt I learned a lot from the word of God, and I also helped a friend by listening to him and talking to him. I also spent some time with my lover. We have been so distant lately and needed this night to be closer. I'm so tired... Maybe is the food I ate or maybe I'm jut emotionally tired... One great thing happened today... I've been feeling like every time I turn the other cheek my friend and familly take advantage of that and it hurts me... I guess I'm very insecure and hate the feeling of rejection. But today I opened my heart to someone I had offended and offer a sincere apology, and it felt so good to have been heard and in a way appreciated. That made my day! Life is good. God is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love145 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 Today God is testing me... I'm so confused, so I'm trying not to think much about why, who, when or what. I'm here in my room, trying not to think.... Trying to stay busy... I have accomplished all my March goals. But I went back to smoking 3 or less cigarettes a day and I need to quit. Today I could go on the treadmill for 20 minutes straight at 3.7, so proud of me! Elsie will have surgery this Monday, and my sis is in Miami. I hope she is doing well. I'm afraid she relapses and end up ODing.... But what can I do if she says she is happy this way? I need to write something so I read it again later: I don't need to go see my love tonight. He has been distant and maybe I should let us have some space from each other this weekend. It shouldn't matter if he doesn't call me, or if he may meet someone, or if this break us apart even more... I can't let my fear and insecurities take me down this path ever. I've to be in control of me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love145 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 I'm an idiot. I had said I was not gonna call my love tonight and give us this weekend as space and ended up calling because i knew my love was upset and I felt guilty but when I call all I could hear was how upsetting it was not hearing from me all this week and how I was never there for him since I lost weight... And then my love answered another call and left me waiting for a few minutes, so I called back and told me he was going out with his friend and to talk to me later. I was so stupid, I felt threated and begged him to stay and promised I was on my w ay there, but he said he had already plans and had to hang up to get ready, and I lost control over myself and started calling him back and texting begging him to wait for me... I made an a$s of myself.... I'm embarrassed... I even told him I was at his place and he better get his butt back or else it was over... I went crazy borderline... And then I realized how crazy I was acting, so I got myself together, and said I was gonna go to a friends house that was close by (true is I was all the time in my house) And to please call me when he was back... He hasn't called, I took some meds to deal with the anxiety I was feeling, maybe a bit more than I should had... But I'm feeling better.... I've disappointed myself, then like a crazy bipolar person I txt him saying it was ok and to have fun, and that I loved him. WTH is wrong with me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love145 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 I HAD A GREAT DAY. WOKE UP, HAD MY ENERGY DRINK AND HIT THE GYM. I HAD AN AMAZING WALK AT 3.8 MPH FOR 25 mts. I THINK IM READY FOR 3.9.... MY HR WAS SO HIGH, I WAS SOAKING WET, MY ENERGY WAS AMAZING, SO AFTER THAT I WENT TO DO another half an hour at the elliptical. I ALTERNATED THE ELEVATION BETWEEN 20 which is the max with 10 resistance and 11 elevation and 5 resistance. Then I did lower body workout. Great weight lifting w 30 extra pounds. Whoooohoooo go me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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