Finding myself, starting over, rebirth, fear, hope

[nbr]

Well...

Been posting here for about 6 months (maybe a bit more).

Finally starting a journal.

Starting it with what my sponsor asked me to write about, but... I hate writing essays, I hate lists. What do I love? Music, song, dance, poetry. Well, here ya'lls go:

 

Write about powerlessness and unmanageability of life.

 

A while ago I hit a bump in the road,

A little thing, easily disremembered,

A small tear in daily fabric,

Not even worth mending.

 

As I hit more bumps,

I started to smooth them out,

through use of drink and dip,

hiding them in a cloud.

 

As the more I drank,

The smoother each bump was made,

but the tears in the fabric,

they made great gains.

 

One day it happened,

one day, innocence lost,

the purest truth from a child came,

a truth that put me to shame.

 

Mommy should get a new daddy he said,

earnest in his words,

That mommy was sad because daddy was mad,

and that daddy had no time for him.

 

Listen she did, and asked me to leave,

continued despite my begs and my pleas,

darkness and fear, self hate unabridged,

I had nowhere to turn, nothing to give.

 

Darkness enveloped me,

hate grew and grew,

I drank hoping for oblivion,

not wanting to get through.

 

Slowly a new light dawned,

an acceptance at last,

I cannot do this,

I cannot run from my past.

 

I took to my feet,

ran for new help,

I took hold of my past,

took hold of my fears.

 

Many transgressions I have made,

some small, some dire indeed,

Every single one is mine,

Every single one I need.

 

As I learned again to stand,

I learned I was not alone,

Others would help me,

with others I could find ‘home’.

 

As the darkness lifted,

yet another hand came to me,

a new friend was offering,

offering to set me free.

 

She told me where to go,

She told me who to see,

She told me what to ask for,

She told me I was free.

 

Later that week I arrived,

scared, alone, afraid,

Then she arrived and smiled,

I knew then I was fine.

 

Many days passed,

Meetings come and gone,

I am keeping to this new path,

I am now 60 days on.

 

My son has decided I’m worth another chance,

Worth another go,

But separately from his mother,

She still says I must go.

 

Moving out is hard,

but it’s something which must be done,

for if I stay, she can not heal,

She will be unable to move on.

 

I can’t outrun my past,

Cant disavow my sins,

I can embrace them and make them mine,

And thereby my redemption begins.

 

To all my friends in these halls,

I love you as I can’t myself,

on borrowed light I see my way,

ever thankful for the help.

 

-nbr

[nbr]

4 more days till I have to write a 90 day poem go team me, got my 60 day chip at B-day night last night.

[nbr]

Figured I would collect everything here, mostly by topic. If you want to read my story up until the date of this post, here you go. I'm still living with her in her house, mostly because I'm still trying to negotiate for some sort of support agreement and custody agreement before I move out, lest I be screwed later... and trying to build a good kids room at my dad's house, where I'll be staying.

-nbr

 

The post that started it all: my story

 

Is what my wife doing even an affair? Even if there's no sexual component? I guess it is.

Trying to wrap my head around a wacko emotional affair.

 

The very beginnings of her facing her issues, result? SHUTDOWN and SHIELDS UP!

 

Trying to earn her back by "being a better guy" (short answer: doesn't work)

Still hopefull on a 10 year anniversary Hail Mary.

Quitting dipping in another futile bit to win her back (though I'm still dip and booze free, 3 months later).

 

That little bump where you think it's all going to be better...

 

The beginnings of acceptance.

More acceptance to be had in the divorce part of the forum.

 

Documenting my turn-about using a 180 and some of the results: My 180 thread

 

Moving on and moving out

 

Now to figure out how to handle children through this mess.

[nbr]

My poem to celebrate 90 days of sobriety: today March 1 2013.

 

It has been 90 days,

longer actually,

but for 90 days I've cared,

for 90 days I have meant to do so.

 

It has been 90 days,

90 days of new friends,

90 days of old demons,

90 days of introspection.

 

It has been 90 days,

90 days of trials,

90 days of tribulations,

90 days of sobriety.

 

It has been 90 days,

90 days of true fatherhood,

90 days of awareness,

90 days of forgiveness,

 

My children have forgiven,

whole heartedly approved,

my children have asked me to stay,

Asking why I still must move.

 

My redemption is not complete,

there are many amends to be made,

that their mother still wants me out,

I have no choice but to obey.

 

They are confused,

why I must go,

I gently tell them,

Because mommy said so.

 

Would you rather have,

I ask them to think,

two sad parents together,

or two happy at arm’s reach.

 

Two happy together,

they respond in kind,

I cannot fault them,

for speaking their mind.

 

In my ninety days,

in my awareness I've found,

We're toxic to each other,

I can't hang around.

 

I trigger her rage,

she triggers my shame,

I have forgiven her,

I wish she could do the same.

 

There is help she needs,

Borderline personality it's called,

but complete denial is hers,

asking for help would bring shame.

 

She drove me to drink,

this I cannot claim,

my actions are my own,

this is my guilt and shame.

 

Of challenges past,

and challenges new,

I will forge ahead,

I will conquer them somehow.

 

Ask God for advice,

ask God for support,

Only he can absolve me,

Are you sure? I retort.

 

Clearing my mind,

is easy to do,

I meditate on my knees,

but have I no clue?

 

Does God hold the answers?

Does God hold the key?

Must I beg him for redemption,

must I rely on him to be free?

 

My sponsor says it is so,

that this all worked for him,

but mustn’t I stand on my own?

I view my weakness with chagrin.

 

I accept I have problems,

I accept of help I am in need,

I accept there is a higher power,

must I use it to be free?

 

Dry drunk or sober,

the choice appears to be mine,

I would like to be happy,

for my children, I'd like to shine.

 

So accept a higher power I have,

prayed every night, every day,

prayed for my children’s mother,

prayed for sobriety today.

 

Forgiveness of others is easy,

forgiveness of self is hard,

continually paying my penance,

felling I must present my card.

 

My ticket of leave,

a brand of offence,

it is a chain on my being,

imagined restriction of self.

 

When amends are complete,

and freedom gained,

I'll tear up that ticket,

I will be free of my shame.

 

How long will that take?

I do not know,

I am 90 days on,

I continue to grow.

-nbr

[ayami]

Well done for making it to the 90 days mark.

[nbr]

Thank you very much.

I'm known as the cookie man @ my home group.

[nbr]

BPD escape thread

[ayami]

Thank you very much.

I'm known as the cookie man @ my home group.

 

Ohhh...sorry I dont know what that means? Are you able to explain? Hope its a good thing,

[nbr]

Ohhh...sorry I dont know what that means? Are you able to explain? Hope its a good thing,

We all have ways to keep us sober. Some go to meetings *every day*, others do something else.

 

For me I enjoy baking cookies. Any time I really want a drink I make a batch of cookie dough, put it in the chiller for 24 hours then freeze it. Meanwhile I take another bag of already rested dough and bake up some cookies. The body tends to crave sugar after one gives up drinking, as the alcohol breaks down into sugar when it is metabolized.

 

My home group (where I go for my sobriety birthday, and where I attend most of my meetings) knows me as the cookie man, because I can't eat what I bake, so I bring them to meetings and give them away. I'll have one or two, but more than that and I am not really on my diet anymore.

 

So, yeah, it's a good thing, and I'm happy to explain.

-nbr

[nbr]

We're at 120 days sober.

We're at T minus 12 days till I move out.

[nbr]

Looong time no update.

I am moved out as of 3 weeks ago.

for the last two weeks on my nights with the kids she's had her Guy over on the nights they used to go out for coffee.

 

On the up side, I have a signed separation agreement that is really not too bad.

I owe CS and Alimony for 4 years at full rate, then 12.5% reductions spaced over 2 years, then she's expected to foot half the kid's expenses. My 401k is untouched, but she got my stock portfolio.

 

I'm out and I'm 'free'.

-nbr

[nbr]

6 Months sober!

w00t!

[nbr]

Well...

My ex was in the hospital, I got the kids settled, made my way to the ER.

Got there about half an hour to an hour before she was discharged, gave her a couple shots...

Went to the store to buy her some of her favorite comfort foods (2am) and cooked them for her at her house.

 

Following day I was unloaded on about how no one was there for her, she was all alone...

What she really meant was the guy she likes wasn't there and didn't return her texts and she's sad about it, but the message I got was that I wasn't even a person. I counted for *nothing* to her. It is liberating. Knowing now that it is almost certainly completely impossible for me to do anything at all that could be perceived as a positive; that everything I try to do nice will at best be neutral, and at worst cause an incident; I find myself free.

She is the mother of my children, and for that reason alone I will always love her. I can not show her anything other than love, lest my children see unabridged hate and disgust. Their mother shows them that already, so I will instead role model love, mercy, pity even.

 

I will not role model self abasement by letting myself be used as a whipping post any longer.

Fin.

[nbr]

Quiet streams,

Simple tasks,

Time alone,

Free at last.

 

There was a time,

Not long ago,

I would crawl,

At being so.

 

I have learned,

In recent days,

How I fit,

what are my ways.

 

A vast ocean,

Sails unfurled at last,

My adventure has started,

My journey seems vast.

 

Where I’ll end up,

I do not know.

But the journey must start,

It is time to go.

 

The seas will be rough,

Of that I am sure.

I will continue on,

I will endure.

 

Somewhere out there,

Upon a beach,

There is waiting for me,

A seat within reach.

 

I will lie there,

Waves lapping my toes.

Comfortable and quiet,

With somebody who Knows.

 

A friend in a harbor,

A traveler along,

An equally long journey,

Someone singing the same song.

[nbr]

A babbling brook:

As I sit among the briars and brambles,

The thorns and the vines,

I listen to the breeze in the trees,

The stream flowing by.

 

Everything seems simple here,

Worries far away.

I wish I could stay longer,

Stay for another day.

 

There are words in the air,

Melodies in the water,

The song that they sing,

Is filled with laughter.

 

Laughter of the fish,

As they swim in the eddies,

Laughter of the birds,

Dancing in the sun.

 

There is life all around,

Singing this song,

Urging and prodding,

For me to sing along.

 

As I pick fresh berries,

A delightful snack,

I can’t help glancing over my shoulder,

I can’t help looking back.

 

I’ve traveled so far,

In the last 365 days,

Through gloom and sorrow,

I am not wholly unscathed.

 

The wounds will heal over,

The scars will soon fade,

It is all part of me now,

It is that of which I am made.

 

My spirit has risen,

My core strengthened much,

A phoenix from ashes,

Still trailing some dust.

 

I will soar with the birds,

I will swim in the stream,

I will sup within briars,

I will play upon the trees.

 

I will come back often,

To this place of such noise,

It is nearby,

It is one of my joys.

 

If you come to visit me,

And you think I should be near,

Come around in back,

Share with me here.

[nbr]

I do not fear wanting to love again,

I do not fear I can not love again,

I will never love again,

for I never stopped loving at all.

 

I love my children,

I love my friends,

I love the day,

and when the day ends.

 

I love the moon,

to bathe in its cool light,

the sounds and smells,

the peacefulness of the night.

 

I have learned to love,

what I am inside,

To embrace the Aspie,

Not needing to hide.

 

I see each day,

with the sunrise,

as another chance,

to learn to fly.

 

I walk a path,

through the trees,

you can join me,

if you please.

 

It's a winding road,

with ups and downs,

not always smooth,

and squirrels abound.

 

As I flit and fly,

my way through life,

please take no offense

if I seem trite.

 

It's the way I think,

It's the way I do,

It's a part of me,

But I still love you.

 

Some say love,

is hard to give,

I say love,

is a reason to live.

 

 

I give it freely,

To one and all,

It does me no good,

behind a wall.

 

I give it to you,

not so you'll give it to me.

I give it to you,

So I can feel free.

 

Free of hate,

Free of fear,

Free of resentment,

Free to cheer.

 

Free to clap,

and hop up and down,

because that's how I roll,

this adult Aspie clown.

 

Adieu to you,

my love, my friend.

Walk with me as long as you like,

The path never ends.

[nbr]

in 5 days it will be 10 months sober.

*wow*

[nbr]

Today is the day!

1 YEAR SOBER

In this past year, I've managed to stop losing weight, battled back a dark and deep depression, and even *gasp* found love (yeah, the undate girl, lol).

I've also fisen in belt ranks as fast as is possible in my Kenpo training, added BJJ, and am training to be an instructor at the dojo too!

 

My what a year it's been. I love all my friends on this board, I am eternally grateful to you all.

-nbr