dont know what to do.. fallen for a good friend

[claude]

hi

 

i have fallen for a good friend of mine who used to go out with one of my friends. they are no longer together but i dont think she has quite got over him, although he says he hasnt had feelings for her for a long time and he has been seeing a few other people since her.

 

i spend a bit of time with her and we get on great, sometimes i end up being a shoulder to cry on. im not sure that she knows my feelings for her but my friends say she must do.

 

i dont know whether or not to tell her! i dont want to spoil our great friendship but if i dont say anything i think im going to die.. i have never felt like this about anyone else before.

 

i know she likes me as a person and she likes spending time with me.

i wasnt going to do anything about it because of my friend (her ex) but thats not as important to me as this now, i cant carry on like this..

 

any advice?

[hazlcha]

In my experience, a woman who likes you will not like you more because you tell her you like her first. What's killing you is probably the suspense, so you either want to get it out into the open and know already, or you may think that by telling her your feelings, she'll like you more.

 

I'm afraid it's not a good idea - because it has more to do with you than with her. I think you'd do best to gauge what she's feeling in other, creative ways which I'm sure you can figure out. Give her great opportunities to signal her feelings, read her body language, see how she looks at you. It's always better to let her go first.

 

The problem with that, though, is that she really may not even have considered you as a romantic interest, so you somehow need to have that presented to her. Maybe you can do it by trying to spend time with her in increasingly "datey" ways, at fine restaurants, or things that bring out that aspect of a relationship. Tell her by not telling but doing, and then see how she takes it all in.

 

That's a guy's take. Love to hear from the womenfolk on this, because I've been there too.

[claude]

thanks for the reply, what youve said makes perfect sense.

 

another thing is though, that there has been a few other guys interested in her and im frieghtend that she may start a relationship with one without knowing how i feel.. im thinking that if i dont say anything soon, that could be the end of it!

[hazlcha]

Franklin Delano Roosevelt may not be my favorite politician, but there is no doubt that he was a brilliant man. His most famous quote:

 

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

 

If there's anything I've been hard at work on myself about, it's about being secure. That means to do what I have to do, and not concern myself about things I don't control. Just think about this - you're afraid that maybe she'll meet some other guy and fall for him only because you never told her how you feel. In other words, you think (probably hope is a better word) that when you tell her, her whole attitude will change.

 

Well it might, but odds are not in the direction you wish. That's because being so nervous about a "what if" and having to confess your feelings prematurely makes you look - I'm sorry - needy.

 

I'm fighting all the battles you describe, so I'm writing to myself as well. Here's the rule we should follow:

 

Always prevent her from falling for anyone else by making her feel attraction for you.

 

When she's happy with you, no one else exists. Your relationship is with HER, not with all those other guys. They needn't concern you. Women (I learned this the brutal way too) are repulsed, generally, by jealousy. Just build a special relationship with her and to h*ll with everyone else. Spend time, be funny, love yourself and she'll love you too, if it's there.

[Double J]

Excellent post Hazlcha. Claude, I think you should move on. It's never a good sign when you end up being a shoulder to cry on. That usually spells "friend." Yes, she may like you as a person and enjoys spending time with you, but that doesn't say anything about any potential romantic feelings. If you think about it, you love all of your friends as people and enjoy spending time with them.

 

If you want to pursue this further, take Hazlcha's advice. Do not tell her you like her, but try to spark that by spending time with her. If she's already put you in "friend land," it's probably too late.