I gambled and broke NC... Now i hold the cards

[virtua003]

For all you NC worshippers out there, you're so wrong. Put your (DELETED BY MOD) on the line, and break the bad habit of this board(NC). As long as you have the guts to do it, you'll do what i did. Yes, i was the dumpee. Every friend/co-worker of mine told me not to do it; I'm not an NC believer unless i know i'm at the helm. I did what no other guy would have done. I just didn't have the patience to keep my xgf as a friend, hoping for her to come around, when it won't amount to anything other than - friends. I had to belittle my pride, asking for a remaining friendship. Do i smell manipulation? I unexpectedly, without warning, showed up at her door. As long as you know how to present yourself... you should do just fine. It's a last-ditch effort, nothing to lose, 50-50 shot, roll the dice. It was never my forte, but i did it... this time... anyway. So for all you NC believers out there..... you're so frickin' wrong.

 

I left work early, traveled 25 miles, hit the store..... purchased rib-eyes, salad/dressing, potatoes, flowers(non-rose), bottle of wine, friendship card(sig)... all in paper bag with flowers drapin' over the top. Drove home, showered, changed, went another 35 miles. I was sweatin' bullets, believe me.... already prepared for rejection, not even knowin' if she'd be there. Rang the door-bell, she saw me thru the window, and she actually "shuttered". She was in shock, answered the door within 2 secs, as "giddy" as i remembered her. I had to explain why i was there. Just had to tell her that i felt obligated to show that i can be punctual(7:30), here to have some nice conversation, over a nice dinner, bottle of wine.... i just couldn't resist. I knew myself, and as long as she answered the door, i could take it from there. We spent time on our differences, our faults, and what could have changed. But i always emphasized on her and her future, what she could find, trying not to bring up the past. She did treat it as though we were just friends, but i didn't expect anything different. You gotta remember, this is the female that i respected, and never attempted to contact on the phone. But my patience runs thin, it was three weeks.. not enough time to give her space as i promised. I grabbed her hand, and reminded her of how we used to do that. I tickled her palm, like she used to do to mine, which i made her aware of. I massaged her knee, briefly, just to bring back a hint to what had been. I told her that i missed her, and she said "i miss you too". Said i would use the hallway bathroom, "not the one that i'm so used to(sarcasm)", came out and led her to the front door. Told her i better go, she answered "i'm so glad you came out here to see me". We hugged, i gave her a quick kiss, dove in for another, she followed. With hand to hand, i said "you remember the kisses we gave each other before? Come here, baby....." At the door, i told her that i show no pressure, that's why i came over, that i can accept where it ended. She said "after seeing you, i'll have to think things through, just give me some time". I said it'd be great for us to talk every once in a while, something we haven't done lately. I receive the "i'll call you", not exactly what i wanted to hear. So i came back with: "instead of our no phone contact, and you know that i don't pressure you, i respect you, is it okay for me to check in just to see how you're doin'?". Of course, she said yes. Just as i had planned...

 

This guys, is what i wanted to leave her with... her expecting me to call her.... this is when NC takes control. No call, no e-mail, no communication. Prior to this, it was the opposite, at least as far as e-mail goes. We had agreed not to talk, just e-mail. If you're scared that your Ex won't answer the phone, let alone give you permission to come over, then take it upon yourself. I had no questions asked. Just be sure to come fully prepared, with something that will impress her. If you can work your way in that front door, and talk smooth... don't worry about it. You've got nothing to lose. Don't wait around forever. That's what this kamakazee visit was all about, to put me in control. I now hold the cards...

 

We did e-mail, but that was due to me, the dumpee, who asked that we remain friends. Why did i do that? To keep communication lines open. That's what protected me from getting rejected when i rang the door bell. Can you imagine me doing this with no communication? I played it smart, that of which others won't agree with.

 

Case and point:

 

To all of you here, i've followed you for the last three weeks. I didn't know you were here until i searched on google. An emotional wreck that i've been for the last three weeks, i read this website at home, at work, anywhere i could, just looking for something to help me handle the pain. My job, my sleep, one meal a day... it just about killed me. I needed to see the support given between you all, from those going through the same thing as me.

 

There's a difference between a long-term or short-term relationship, but it's impact can be same when the break-up happens so unexpectedly. And how close you were with your partner prior to being dumped. And when you thought you were doing everything so right to keep your partner happy, you just don't know what you did wrong until it's too late. You take everything for granted...

 

Our relationship lasted 2 & 1/2 months, myself 41 and she 37. The first time we met at a restaurant/bar, we were absolutely taken by one another. For 5+ hours until closing time. I walked her out, we kissed. From that point on, everything was golden. From her, the word "smitten", time and time again... i'll never forget. The only problem with the enveloping relationship was the distance between us, and my lack of time for her. I was only interested in the weekends, although i would have given the world for her. I just didn't show it. And now i regret it. I just wasn't given enough time to break the mold. On friday, I'd have to travel 25 miles from work, shower/pack, and travel 35 miles out to her place. And the same with her, the only difference is... she was very punctual. And she was very "Anal" about it. She expected the same in return, and no guy in their right mind can argue with that. A major fault of mine, also known as lack of respect. She'd spend one weekend night with me, while i'd go spend the other with her. I approached the situation differently for once in my life: cautious, take things slow, allow things to develop. But she had different plans, she wanted a relationship to blossom alot sooner than i was aware of. I showed her everything a woman needed, we were affectionate, cuddled, carressed, snuggled, talked. I told her from the beginning... anything that's bothering you, please tell me, and vice versa. That's where the problem began. She never told me of anything. As a smart female will always do, she was in the "testing phase" throughout the relationship, and guys be aware of this... it will get you burnt. We were so so close, and dated each other "exclusively". The things that i did wrong... i will never forget. When we were together(weekends), things were great... we were inseparable.

 

She gave me the bad news three weeks ago. I left work with a "quick" e-mail that i had to leave. I never called her that night. The next day i came to work, and responded to her e-mail. 20 minutes later, she hit me with a solid punch to the torso. I was absolutely devestated, felt like the floor was dropped from below me. I panicked.. had to call her... cell, work, no answer. I told her "let's meet, we need to talk". Both times, she had excuses why she couldn't. We talked that night after my begging. I asked for her to give me me a second chance, that i could prove it to her. She said that she needed some time, to get on with my life, that she didn't need any type of relationship at that point. She faulted me, but also faulted herself. Her e-mail earlier that day was "it's not you, it's me!", the typical female sabotage approach. I felt like i was handcuffed... how could i feel so helpless?

 

I never sent her flowers at work. But the day after I received the gut-wrenching news from her, flowers were out within 24 hours... hoping she would come back. For God's sake, tell me in person, the internet approach is a "cheap-shot". I have to sit in front of that monitor each and every day i'm at work - I dread it.

 

The pain i have to live with... i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't concentrate, my job's in jeopardy. Think twice guys, what's worth more to you? Losing your love or your livelihood?

[trishcollins]

Waht a story. I think doing NC is a personal choice and it depends on many things - the reason for the breakup, the chance of reconciliation, how long you were together, children, etc.

 

In my case, I don't have any choice. He has made up his mind and that is final. I don't see any point in contacting him only to hear that nothing has changed. He knows I still love him, he knows where to find me. I just don't want to upset him but not knowing when "enough is enough". I do plan to send a letter to him (on the advice of my counseller), but only to release him from the guilt and pain of breaking up with me (it was circumstancial -- he does still love me). The letter, however, isn't about missing him or trying to get back together -- it's about how his love touched my life and how I will be better for it, and how I want him to not worry or feel guilty about what happened. I love him enough to let him go.

 

Anyway, as I said, NC is a personal choice and really has a lot to do with helping us "the dumpees" focus and heal. It's not to punish the other person or to make them feel bad. Most of us can't really handle contact, because in most cases the "ex" isn't going to do or say those things we want to hear, and we end up feeling worse after we have spoken or emailed them.

 

In time, we could probably contact them and we would be fine, and I think we all know when we are ready for that. But, until we are "ready" NC seems to be the approah that works best. Believe me, as a person who has experienced four relationship breakups in the last 25 years, NC seems to be the best way to heal.

[DBL]

I agree with above. NC works for a lot of situations, but not all. Some people bf or gf leave them for other people. At the time they panic, they want to forgive everything on the spot and atleast be friends...but trying to still find an opening into getting the other person back. In cases like that...then no contact is better because they need to start to heal. In my opinion...if you can go a month without contacting the other person...then it is obvious you are not going to die because of the break up. NC is just a way to help them start moving on by themselves and seeing that they can get along without the other, give them a chance to sort things out, give them the opportunity to try to live life again. I follow the No Contact rule because of how quick tempered and violent I can become. I don't want to know what she is doing. I don't want to feel the pain, I don't want to be aggrevated, and I do not want to have to battle my aggressive behavior. Kind of like "what I don't know can't hurt".

 

I think going to your x's like that is very gutsy...I give you a lot of credit for that. Not to offend you, but I don't see where you think you have all the cards...I would say the cards are still being dealt. We all like to see happy endings, so I do hope you end up with a royal flush. I think it is still just too early to say that you breaking NC has been a success and to knock it like you did.

 

DBL

[Scout]

I think going to your x's like that is very gutsy...I give you a lot of credit for that. Not to offend you, but I don't see where you think you have all the cards...I would say the cards are still being dealt. We all like to see happy endings, so I do hope you end up with a royal flush. I think it is still just too early to say that you breaking NC has been a success and to knock it like you did.

DBL

 

I agree with DBL. Right now you are on a high because you saw her, but if things don't turn out the way you expect - that your visit has rekindled her love for you - you're going to have a hard crash.

 

And you might change your perspective about NC at that point. Nevertheless, I truly do commend you for making this brave effort, and if more people did that, maybe more relationships would be restored. I'm not saying it's going to work for you, but like you said, you got a 50/50 shot. I truly hope it works out for you.

[DBL]

I think your post may lead some to believe in false hope by saying NC is wrong. In most of the cases I read here, theire x's were done with them and ready to move on.

 

Unfortuately things don't always work like in the movies. By thinking that if I just do this things will work out. If the person doesn't want to be with you, then they won't...going to their door, buying them steaks, flowers, etc...don't mean a thing. It would be a good jester, but a waste of time.

 

There are girls I dated for a while then broke up with, and I just didn't feel the same for them like I did in the beginning. Some had songs dedicated to me on the radio, others sent me stuff, some just showed up...but if the other person does not have those feelings anymore, it is very unlikely that they will get them back from doing these things. That is just too much TV and movies.

 

DBL

[skynet74]

Don't want to burst your bubble... but you still Don't Hold all the Cards. You are still waiting to see if she wants you. You are still waiting to see if you showing your face did any good. Sounds like she still holds all the cards to me. I think it's great that she was positive during your visit. I understand that this certainly gave you hope. However I think it's just false hope right now. She was shell shocked to see you. A piece of her seemed happy and definitely surprised. But the bottom line is that you still don't know what went through her mind once you left. She did not agree to take you back. She just said she would think about this. I have learned that this means absolutely nothing until it actually happens. Just take a backset approach. You've done all the work. Now it's time to let her come to you. If it happens then Great. If it doesn't happen... then that means she isn't worth your time in the first place.

 

I personally had to start No Contact because my EX turned into a jerk. Telling me that she wanted me again, then saying she didn't want me. Then she followed that up with an "I'll always want you in my life somehow. I would love to be friends." Well She couldn't keep her word there either. She never called me, never checked up on me, and was extremely rude whenever I called her. In the end she told me that she didn't even want to be friends with me. So in my case I really had no choice. I had to initiate No Contact since it was clearly my best option anyway. So instead of obsessing on her and contantly being rejected, I decided to take a different approach. I decided to show her that she does not even deserve to have me invest any time in her. I showed her that if she doesn't have time for me ......then I no longer have time for her either. She always thought I would be there chasing her. She always thought I was needy and clingy for her. She did not think I could live without her. Well I have shown her different.

 

No Contact is the time where you start to have your Ex gain back some respect for you when they had none before. No Contact is a time where you learn how to live your life without that one person you thought you would die without. No Contact is a time that allows both of you to heal. To get rid of all the anger, and the grudges. No Contact does all this and it also allows you to meet again one Day and perhaps start fresh. Instead of a continuation of the old...... No Contact gives you a chance to start new. However No Contact must be done for months. Not Days. Not Weeks. But months. It takes months to heal. Painful to hear. Hard to deal with. But it's the truth.

 

It's been 6 weeks today since I last called my Ex. Whenever I called I would get a Cold voice on the other end asking me "WHAT'S UP?" Every single call was... "WHAT'S UP?" It's like I needed a specific reason to call. My EX no longer accepted calls from me to make friendly small talk. Now I get "WHAT'S UP?" every single time I call. It was hurtful and insulting. To know that someone I spent 10 years with now didn't even want to hear from me. Well...... I could only take so many "WHAT'S UP's?" I swore to myself that I would never call my Ex again for as long as I thought she would answer and respond with a chilling and unfriendly "WHAT'S UP?".

 

42 days later I still think it's to soon to call. I still think there is a decent possibility of me hearing the dreaded.. "WHAT's UP?". So I simply Don't call. If I ever do decide to call again, it won't be till I feel confident that she will at least smile a little hearing my voice. Perhaps ask me how I've been and what I've been up to. How I'm doing. But right now I'm fairly certain that Cold exterior of hers still remains. If she was warming up in the least bit she would have at least made a move to contact me. But she hasn't. So I believe that for some of us..... No Contact remains the best option. At least until our Ex's get back into a friendly approachable mindset.

 

 

 

 

John

[DBL]

Hey Skynet...

 

I agree with everything you say, but sounds like you yourself are not ready to really move on. Maybe I view this whole No Contact thing differently, but I don't expect to ever hear from my x again and just move on. It is almost like you are trying to give yourself some false hope that if you don't call for several months, that one day you will call and she will have a different tone. I think you may be better off committing to the no contact on the basis that you are never going to be civil with her again, and leave those hopes behind. Pick up new hopes that you will heal over the next few months enough to start looking into a better relationship. I think you may be expecting too much from her to be waiting for her to not say "Whats Up?".

 

No disrespect intended bro.

 

DBL

[skynet74]

No offense taken DBL. I appreciate your view. I am not holding out complete hope that No Contact will make her come back to me. There is still a piece of me that misses her and would love for things to be back the way they used to be. But there is another part of me that won't ever forget what she did to me. So I realize that it may not be in my best interest to ever take her back even if that's what she did want.

 

No Contact has given me the opportinuty to sit back and look at the big Picture. It's allowed for me to grow without her. It's allowed for me to become more of my own person again and realize what I really will accept in my life and what I won't. No Contact does a lot of great things for a person. I'm finding this out now. Even if I never get back with my Ex I think No Contact will at least allow us to contact each other in the future and perhaps be friends. That would definitely beat the ugly alternative of holding grudges to our graves. No Contact feels right for the moment. It needs to be done and I believe that It's being done for the right reasons.

 

 

 

John

[johnagent1911]

NC worked for me and really gave me all the 'power'.

[virtua003]

Thanks for everyone's response to my message. I really didn't mean that everything has changed for the best, not at all. I just turned the tables, by her believing that i will keep the line of communication open. Prior to my unexpected visit, the ball was in her court. And it still is now. Immediately after the break-up, i reacted with pleading and begging. She felt bad about it, and said she was so sorry. At that point in time, i'm sure that it would have been over, due to my pushing her even farther away.

 

All i tried to do was regain a second chance. By visiting her so unexpectedly, and being welcomed by her so surprisingly, i took it to mean that it might have rekindled feelings going through her mind. She did say, "i'm glad that you came over".

 

What i meant by "i now hold the cards" is that prior to my visit she had little desire to see each other again, and was moving on with her life. That's the way i read it. NC would not have worked at this point, at least i don't believe it would have. During my visit, she did say "I do feel differently than i did before". She also stated "i need time to think things through". I left with the feeling that with NC from this point forward, she might have feelings as to why i haven't continued communication. She might feel compelled to call me, versus myself calling her, hence "i now hold the cards". If she e-mails me, i will respond. But i won't initiate any e-mail to her. If i don't hear from her during the next 3 weeks, i plan to either e-mail or call her after that period of time, asking how she's doing, etc. And i might ask if she'd like to meet after work for dinner or a drink. If it fails, then it's my own fault for not keeping NC. Or another option after 3 weeks is, i might e-mail her, telling her how i'd like to stop by and see her again, say on friday or saturday, whichever is best for her. The last time i did this, it was so unexpected. But this time i would be asking her. If she declines, i will know that she isn't interested. And if that's the case, then why was she so glad to see me when i showed up by surprise?

 

I'm just trying to figure out what is the best approach going forward with her. It sounds like there is hope, but there's still a good chance that i may never be able to get her back, probably due to my impatience. Do any of you see that there is still a chance, that this unexpected visit may have been beneficial, and changed the way she feels?? I guess time will tell.

 

Thanks for your response.