Live, Love, Laugh...and Learning...

[lifesanew]

For the past few years I have put myself in this shell, where I haven't really let anyone new in. I have friends, and I go out, but it is not very frequent. Most of the time I will be home on a Friday or Saturday night by myself. Only because I feel embarassed about my physical appearance, but yet have not done anything to change it. I am tired of being like this. I have come to the conclusion, I do not love myself enough to change, but I need to force myself to make some changes. I am strong in some areas of my life, but not in others. I honestly believe constantly dating the wrong person, and putting myself in certain situations to set myself up to fail has made me lose self confidence. I have devauled myself as a woman, and as a human being. I have done things I am not proud of, and done things I am proud of. I am human, I make mistakes.

 

Everyone has a New Year's resolution to lose weight, or to explore new things, stop drinking so much, stop smoking, or what have you. I know I have to change for the better or I am going to be miserable all my life. I stay home, and end up putting myself in a slump and its usually because I am too lazy, too tired from going out. The past two years, I have been working a full time job, and having a part time job that I worked a lot of hours at, and going to school full time. I have goals this year, to hang out with friends more, explore new things, not live in such a secluded life. I will lose weight, and have a life outside of my work.

 

Goals for this year:

 

Get back into school (took last semester off to find a new job)

Lose weight, eat healther

go out at least once every two weeks with friends (working on night shift, and on a shift work rotation is hard to have a social life)

go out on more dates...

stand up for myself, (If I actually dont see something going anyway with someone, be up front and honest)

quit smoking...(yeah gotta be ready for that one)

go sky diving (yeah always wanted to do that)

go to a state that I have not been to yet (Louisiana, maybe New Orleans)

start writing the book I have wanted to write (and actually write it)

spend more time with my family that live close.

Take a dance lesson...(What kind?)

 

Just a few small goals...I have decided to try and let go of my past mistakes. I have been told if you cant let go of the past, how can you move towards the future? Well I see that it is actually true. I am going to try and not work my life away!

 

One thing I will definitely do is not make time for people who do not make time for me. I am tired of wasting my time, and feeling worse about myself if they dont respond. I am tired of wondering why I am I not good enough, (this goes for friends and people who I liked, and family).

 

This year, which is the last year of my 20's (yep, I am 29) I will learn to live, love and laugh, and mostly love myself for who I am, and become the type of person I want to be, regardless of who likes it or doesnt.

 

I will fully accept myself, for who I am...learn to love and appreciate myself as a person.

 

Oh I have the courage now, hopefully I can keep it up.

 

I weigh about 190 pounds, and I am 5 ft 4. I dont want to be skin and bones, but I would like to lose my fat belly.

 

Sincerely,

Lifesanew!

[lifesanew]

So recently, I havent had time to work on myself, nor do anything fun. I guess that its because I have a new job and I am stuck doing training all the time.

 

So starting tomorrow I am going to work on myself, and do things for myself. Tonight, I am just spending time with myself. I have a journey to begin, and it begins tonight. I will admit this to you guys because you don't know who I am. Anyways, I am a bisexual female, and I am going to choose to be happy rather than hiding my true self. I will not settle anymore than what I am worth.

 

I am going to start a weight loss journey, and a makeover of myself. I cannot live like I have been and will not anymore. I am finding the strength to change my weakness. Slowly but surely I will become stronger and will change my life for the better.

 

I need to do alot of research on losing weight, and moving forward with my life. I deserve to be happy and will be happy with myself fully one day.

 

So Monday after work starts my workout routine, what that may be I have no idea.

 

Oh here we go!

[lifesanew]

So recently I saw the woman who I fell in love with, two years laters and the feelings are still there. Through her telling me, nothing will ever happen between us, and that she values our friendship, I mean alot to her.

 

I see her, and I act like a giddy school girl, because she flirts with me. I have to move forward and move past her. I think me loving her still is holding me back from moving on. It feels like a one sided friendship, and I can't do it any longer. I fear, the only way I can get past her is by moving away or at the very least quitting the job where I have to stay in contact with her. It is a part time job, but I need the money right now, so what can I do?

 

I stayed at the job for along time because I got to be near her, not having her in my life would hurt more than feeling how I do now. But I really dont have her in my life at all right now. I always have to start the conversations with her, I think from now on, I will only be professional towards her and thats it. I have to get over her, and move on. Why is it so hard? i keep thinking one day down the road I will get over her, but its already two years, nearly three years later.

 

I would change my world to be with her, singing form the hilltops that I love her, and she is the only one for me. But I wont ever have the chance.

 

I dont think I have ever loved another human being mroe than her, listening to her voice is calming, and reassuring. Seeing her brings instant joy to me, and just seeing her smile makes me fearless. Why oh why do I do this to myself?

 

Do I like being punished? Do I like being "a second rate friend?" I cant do it anymore.

 

The girl flirts with me, I know she does....everyone else at work sees it. Am I just an ego boost?

 

Well end rant, Im upset, I am gonna go work out now!