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Mom found out I lost my v card, she is pissed.. help.


electricorchid

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I've been going out/dating my boyfriend for the whole year of 2012, He's my first love. Im 18 and hes 22. My parents have been fully okay with him and loved him at first until december hit and he told them that along with his new job, he was getting an apartment soon. From what my mom says, my dad told my mom that he was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of my bf getting an apartment b/c he doesnt want me over there, ever.

 

Before him I was a virgin, and Im catholic along with my family.. I thought long and hard and put into consideration a lot of things, and I know that If him and I aren't meant to be then thats ok. Because Him and I could never be upset with eachother, were always going to be friends or at least on good terms. Im 100% sure. He's my first love and whatever happeneds, the memories I have with him are rememberable.

 

He's beyond respectful, hasn't pushed my decision, and has gone out with me (thinking he was probably not going to have sex with me) because hes liked me for who I am and he's told me that himself.

 

And so, I decided to have sex with him, 3 days after my 18th birthday (which was in december). To this day I still dont feel bad about it, Idk if I was supposed to? But my mom found porn and sex research on my laptop and instantly found out. She was pissed off. My father was her first, b/c she waited until she was 22. But I'm not like her, my libido is insane. And she thinks I don't have morals but I swear I do, I waited a long time and until I was out of highschool, I did it with someone I love and I did it responsibly... not the person she wanted me to but she made me feel awful when she found out.

 

She threw condoms in my room and said that my boyfriend is a joke to her (because he looks my age and hes 22), and that she doesnt want to see him face again. And that shes pissed because Im a liar and she doesnt even know who I am as a person, that she doesnt recognize me as her daughter. Shes basically ashamed. I told her not to tell my father because it's honestly none of his business. In fact, i dont think my sex life should be their business, but considering how PUSHY my mom can be, I had to tell her.

 

I don't know what to do, Im in college, living here is hell now. This morning she treated me awful again, I love him and I think some things in this life are wrong, yes, because naturally you get the feeling that its wrong, but I swear I did thing out of love. It hurts me that my boyfriend and I are a joke to her.

 

What do I do? I just dont know If shes right... Im scared of her telling my family.

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She's not right. She's just coming from an extremely protective, overly religious viewpoint. I came from a Catholic family and my mom reacted in a similar manner when she found out I was having sex.

 

It's just what she knows. It doesn't mean it's right, and the hardest thing you might come to terms with growing up is realizing that your parents are just people too, flaws and all. It can be a liberating but also terrifying thing to see your parents in this light, rather than the moral authorities you've seen them as all your life.

 

I don't shy away from confrontation, so if it were me, I'd spell it out rather plainly for her the next time she tries to shame you for this. I'd tell her that you're an adult who's perfectly free to make her own choices, and while your mom doesn't have to agree with them, she does have to respect your right to make them. Be the bigger person, remain calm, stick up for yourself without turning it into a fight, be respectful in what you say. It may not make her calm down at all, but if she's truly a person of conscience, your example will probably come as a wake up call for her that you are, indeed, growing into your own person and she can't control that.

 

At the extreme end, if she still tries to control you or your relationship with this guy like you're still a child, you may have to consider moving out.

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I don't know what to do, Im in college, living here is hell now.

 

I'm so sorry that your mom is upset.

 

I think you've thought about it responsibly and are taking precautions, and it sounds like you love your BF. Just continue to be responsible.

 

Can you move into a college dorm next semester?

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I think you just have to give your mom some time. As a parent, you usually want what you consider "best" for your child. Clearly she should have made a different choice - but that doesn't make your choice 'wrong' - just different. She is human with her own faults and flaws, and you need to let her come to terms with that.

 

It doesn't really matter if she tells your family, either. The truth is liberating. It may be uncomfortable at first, but if she does, in the long run, you will be happy.

 

Just stay safe, use those condoms religiously (or get on birth control ASAP) and continue to make well thought-out decisions.

 

Worst case scenario, I agree that if she tries to break up the relationship, now that you are in college, your option is to move out. But I strongly suspect that this shall pass after a period of adjustment.

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Given your recent threads about your boyfriend I can see why she might be concerned if she is aware of the recent course of the relationship. But the bottom line is that it's your decision.

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Respect that fact that your mother cares about you. You were 17 dating somebody 5 years older. As parent. I would be worried too if my little girl was dating somebody older. I would feel that they were taking advantage of my kid.

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If you live in their house, anything about you is their business. I'd be upset if I were you parents too because a 22 year old dating an 18 year old is just sad. You like him because he's older and he fools you because you're young and naive.

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When I lost my virginity at age 20, I came home to all my stuff on the lawn and my mother calling me slurs.

 

You're at a weird transition in your life where you're not quite an independent adult but you are no longer a child. Over the next few years, you'll understand just how much control you have over your life and how little you should care about your parent's unwanted decisions in it. If living at home is hostile, try to get a new place to stay. It may seem impossible but it's extremely easy to get a place of your own. Dorm rooms may be the best option for you.

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At the extreme end, if she still tries to control you or your relationship with this guy like you're still a child, you may have to consider moving out.

 

Thankyou for your response,

the thing is I go to Community College at the moment, there are no dorms and my only choice is an apartment, and I don't have a job because Ive pretty much always lived off my rich parents. So idk what to do.. apts are a waste of $$, my question is would it be worth it to get one just because she's upset with me?

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Thanks so much for all of your responses, I guess what I'm concerned about now is like... She doesnt want to see him. She probably won't let me go out anymore out, shell always be thinking im screwing my boyfriend.

 

What does everyone suggest I tell her to calm her.. or try to relieve the situation..?

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As I said before, I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with her--as two adults rather than as child/parent.

 

I have to ask--what do you mean she won't let you see him? How on earth will she do that? If you're in such a dynamic where your parents are still trying to control what you do, and when, then you need to move out. Apartments aren't a waste of money when you're first getting on your feet and living alone.

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Apartments aren't a waste of money when you're first getting on your feet and living alone.

 

I totally get that, but Im 18, and Ive never had a job before. I would feel stupid and rebellious If I did that... some people have told me to just stick it out because it would save me so much money in the long run.

 

I did have a conversation with her, she wants to know if ill continue so she can vaccine me with gardasil.. however she wants me to quit birth control because she says shes not paying for it anymore.. doesnt make sense to me? ***.

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she now says she doesnt want to pay for my birth control anymore

 

While that is a pretty stupid move on her part (she is risking your sexual safety just because she is mad), it's not completely unreasonable. To me, sex is an adults-only activity. If you're an adult, you should be paying for your own sexual protection. If you're 18 and never had a job, how do you pay for things like going to the movies or out for dinner?

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she now says she doesnt want to pay for my birth control anymore

 

Most generic birth control is about 9 dollars. I'm surprised she paid for it at all seeing how upset she is that you are sexually active. Seek out a planned parenthood and they can even discount your birth control.

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Most generic birth control is about 9 dollars. I'm surprised she paid for it at all seeing how upset she is that you are sexually active. Seek out a planned parenthood and they can even discount your birth control.

 

I use Lo-estrin, it's a type of bc that has a low dosage of estrogen, it costs me 20 with insurance. And now that my mom wont even pay for it.. idk if shell at least let me allow to have her insurance.

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I use Lo-estrin, it's a type of bc that has a low dosage of estrogen, it costs me 20 with insurance. And now that my mom wont even pay for it.. idk if shell at least let me allow to have her insurance.

 

I was on a generic form of Lo-estrin and it was 9 bucks with insurance. It depends on what insurance you are on but most children are covered until the age of 26 with no extra cost. It would be extremely malicious for her to boot you off. And, it's be pretty stupid too since it could put your life into danger.

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I think its totally reasonable for mom to refuse to buy your birth control. If you want to be an adult and make adult decisions, then you need to get your own birth control with your own money - and if that means getting a part time job, that is what you do. It is not mom's responsibility.

 

Having sex is not just about "i have a libido so i must" but even sometimes it means getting a handle on ourselves and waiting until the time is right not just for our libidos but for other reasons too. What is done is done, but don't do it again right now. Really research birth control and figure things out and figure out if you want to continue. And don't just go over there and sit in bed with your boyfriend - really figure out how to act responsibly.

 

If you were my daughter and you never really had a relationship before, I too would be nervous about you having "apartment dates" with your 22 year old boyfriend. Your mom is worried about pregnancy, worried that he is coercing you or influencing you, etc, as well. She also probably wanted the best for you - to do it with someone you truly loved. She is entitled to worry and want the best for you as a mom. And also, looking at porn on the net is not good research about real sexual relationships, btw. But that's just me. Its not realistic at all.

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she now says she doesnt want to pay for my birth control anymore

 

With all due respect, I can certainly see her point. If you're responsible enough to be having sex, you have to be responsible enough to be using birth control, as well as protecting your health. Being an adult goes hand in hand with being held accountable for your actions.

 

Does your boyfriend think this issue is all on you? What is the plan if an unplanned pregnancy should occur?

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Thankyou for your response,

the thing is I go to Community College at the moment, there are no dorms and my only choice is an apartment, and I don't have a job because Ive pretty much always lived off my rich parents. So idk what to do.. apts are a waste of $$, my question is would it be worth it to get one just because she's upset with me?

 

Eeks.

 

I think the thing that is getting glossed over here is that you violated your mom's trust. She trusted you to be open with her, trusted you enough to welcome your bf from the beginning. She's offering up a home for you while you go to college (and maybe even paying for it). You know her religious beliefs and values. Seems clear she expected you to respect those while staying at home.

 

Then she finds out the young woman she thought would turn to her, didn't, and actually hid something from her that meant a great deal (to you, to your mother, and the potential there for mom-daughter bonding moments) - so she felt sideswept.She felt betrayed. Like the deal you two made was broken.

 

I'm sure you still would have had a fluff over you losing your virginity, regardless if it was at 18 or down the line, but it probably would have been a lot milder had you been living on your own and independent otherwise.

 

What you choose to do now - stay and live there, move out, continue having sex or wait, visit him for apartment visits or not, these are your choices.....

 

It's your relationship with your mom that is the focus here. If you want to smooth things, you need to earn her trust back. HOw? Best to ask her.

 

But one way for sure that won't work is to simply do things and hide them from her. I mean, you can, and your relationship I'm sure is strong enough that it could survive (too much love here for it not to), but I would expect your mom to pull away for each time she feels you doing so. It could damage it. Needlessly.

 

By the way, it was responsible of you to wait til 18. It's not like you made all the wrong choices. Things could be so much worse. ANd she'll see that with time. But it's her little girl...(i'm in my thirties, and still my mom's little girl lol).

 

Now that you have made this 'break' in a way with your mom, you have chosen to take on some additional responsibilities. Like taking care of your bc method, and in how you proceed with YOUR life on your terms and what you want out of it. You are learning one of the first big lessons of being a grown up: actions have consequences, and it's pretty rare they are all positive. You weighed how your choice might change things (very smart), and made this decision, and this is one consequence of it. So it really has to be YOU who decides now how to deal with that.

 

good luck.

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I think your Mom is overreacting because it's not like you're 13, you're 18 and that's not that young to lose your virginity. I think you should get a part-time job and pay for your own birth control. Please don't decide to have sex without it. If you've never worked, the job experience will be good. It might get your Mom to start thinking of you more as an adult too.

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My Boyfriend is fully on my side if anything happends, he believes that if we continue to have sex and i somehow end up pregnant while being on bc and using condoms consistently then it was meant to happen.

 

He's also suggested to not have sex anymore knowing now that it would be difficult for me to keep my relationship with my mother right if we chose to do this.

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