Making "outer sex" and fingering better

[shygirl23]

When my boyfriend and I are together, we sometimes engage in "outer sex" (manual stimulation). It's pretty easy for me to pleasure him, but he always wants to return the favor. I'm fine with it, it's just that it doesn't work for me.

 

It takes a while for me to get aroused and only certain things really turn me on. And once I am aroused, it doesn't last very long, no matter we do. Anyway, once I'm aroused, he'll start touching me (we are always fully clothed), and it will feel really good for the first 10 seconds or so, and then it just goes away. Every time.

 

He lets me direct him (and even asks me to most of the time), but I don't masturbate (that doesn't work for me, either) so I don't have much idea of what I want him to do. I do put his hands (um.. fingers) where I want them and show him what I like, and like I said, it works for a few seconds. Then it doesn't. It's like there's an on/off switch and something keeps switching it off. He's not doing anything wrong, like I said I direct him. I don't know what it is.

 

It's a little frustrating, but I don't really worry about it (so it's not like that's affecting me). I'd just like to find out how to fix it.

[geo_jane]

What came to mind when I read this was that some women can't take too much direct stimulation. It makes too much blood flow to the area and causes a feeling of numbness.

Of course I don't know if that's what's happening to you.

[shygirl23]

It's not really that I'm numb, I just lose that intense feeling of arousal (I'm still "turned on" just not as much) too quickly and after that, fingering just doesn't feel especially great. It doesn't hurt or anything, but it's not special. It would compare to having him touch my arm or something... no erotic feeling at all.

[sisterlynch]

Is it possible that you are orgasming right away, then the lasting feeling is that of it being over?

 

Some people orgasm in a very strong physical way, and sometimes it feels like a sigh or a feeling of heat all over you.

 

If you and he stopped after that feeling goes away, would you get horny again or would you just feel like doing something else?

[shygirl23]

I don't think I'm orgasming. The only times that I ever had have been while I was asleep and it feels a lot different.

 

I'm not sure how to answer the last question. It would depend. If it went away and he stopped then I would have to get aroused all over again.

 

When he starts and gets going the way that I like, then for a few seconds it feels pretty good. Not orgasmic good, but nice. I'll be turned on and he'll be rubbing me and then poof... the good feeling stops. It's never anything intense. Just, okay, this feels good (for 10 seconds or so) and then oops... where'd it go? It's not like an orgasm.

 

I know all girls are different, but you know how touching your vagina when you aren't aroused doesn't really have a special feeling and then when you are aroused it feels good? It's like that. It'll feel good for a bit and then suddenly there's no special feeling. I'm not numb and it doesn't hurt, it just feels like everyday, normal touching. I don't think I really stop being aroused, but that's how it seems.

[sisterlynch]

To me it sounds like you are afraid of the feeling of having a good time or being aroused. Does that happen every time? Are you worried about someone seeing the two of you?

[shygirl23]

Yes, it does happen every time. Of course, we don't really mess around that often so "every time" isn't as often as it sounds.

 

I don't worry about anyone seeing us and I'm not afraid of being aroused. I haven't really even worried about this problem... It would be great if it could be even better for me, but I don't really mind too much.

 

I don't masturbate, so maybe that's it?

 

I was thinking though, it's generally hard for me to get aroused enough to engage in anything. And once I get aroused and he starts touching me then the arousal goes away. I thought that maybe it could be because when he starts fingering me, he stops doing whatever it was that was so arousing. For example, we suck on each other's fingers, and I've found that when he does this for me, I get aroused very quickly, but once he starts touching me he'll stop sucking on my fingers. Do you think that could be it?

 

I think if I could just stay aroused then I could keep that "good" feeling. I just don't know how to do that.

 

It's not my boyfriend's fault. He'd do anything I asked him too, I'm sure. It's just me. I have tried to masturbate before, but I can't get aroused at all when I'm by myself. And even when I'm with him, it's hard to get aroused enough for fingering to work for me.

 

I feel like I'm getting a bit repetitive. My apologies if I am.

[sisterlynch]

I sense that he may be inexperienced -- he may be rushing it a little. Just hang out more. Sex doesn't have to happen to make him happy or you, you two should take it easy. As you get older you will find out what works for you and other than that, I am not too sure.\\

 

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Try reading this and see if it helps!!

[ReadyorNot]

You know what? When my bf is pleasing me sometimes I just cant feel it anymore and I feel like I have gone numb from my waist down.. its really a feeling that I dont like and I cant reach orgasm when I am feeling numb.

 

Anyone know how to NOT feel this numbness?

[geo_jane]

From what I've read, some women experience a feeling of numbness from being over stimulated, in other words, having too much of a good thing! The way to prevent it is through experience you'll learn at what point during direct stimulation you start to go numb. If you know when the numbness occurs you can teach your partner to stop direct stimulation before you go numb. It will require a bit of experimentation.

The numbness comes from too much blood flow to the area and over stimulating sensitive nerve endings.

[s4t4n]

I do put his hands (um.. fingers) where I want them and show him what I like, and like I said, it works for a few seconds. Then it doesn't.

you know how touching your vagina when you aren't aroused doesn't really have a special feeling and then when you are aroused it feels good?

 

Is he / are you touching your clit? You know that stroking the clit is more pleasurable than stroking the vagina right? You know where the clit is right?? ... that little bead shaped piece of flesh above your vagina...

[shygirl23]

Yes, I know what/where it is. And it is clitoral stimulation that we've been trying. I used the term "vagina" because most people use it to encompass all female sex organs, even though he isn't actually touching my vagina. The focus is on the vulva and inner thighs first, then the clitoris.

[s4t4n]

ok just checking. Well ok most women can reach orgasm from clit play, but not all. If you don't masturbate at all then it might be an idea to try it yourself first before you get bf to do it... the best way usually is for the girl to show the guy what to do, but if you're not sure yourself then...

 

If you've never masturbated at all then it could take a while for you to learn, but believe me its worth it (or at least believe the other women/girls on this forum, they will tell u).

 

So, get some time on your own and follow the normal sex ideas... lots of time to yourself in a quiet, private place, fantasies, foreplay (with yourself), lube, different positions (lying, sitting, kneeling). Also try rubbing your clit against objects. Get a vibrator or use the back of an electric toothbrush (not the brush part) on your clit.

 

Then get your bf to do it when you know exactly what to do - so you can show him!

 

Good luck.

[Day_Walker]

You may believe that masturbation doesnt work for you but that seems my like a psychological issue rather than a physical one. If you dont know what you like then its going to be hard for him to find out. You both need to increase your sexual knowledge and realize that "outer sex" may feel good but its pretty much pointless because you dont get the same kind of touch that you do with the clothes removed.

[Angelus]

I agree with Day_Walker, this isn't a physical issue here see what many of us fail to realize is that for women, sex is far more psycological and emotional. It seems as though, ur not in a sexual mindset and ur brain isn't communicating with ur vulva the way it should. It seems like you have a lot on ur mind at the time and you need to find ways to clear ur head and relax. And like most of us on this post is tellin you, try masturbating. Pick a day, anyone, and get urself a magazine full of male athletes, and just try to figure for yourself, what turns you on. Explore your mind first then your body bc until these two become one, you won't get the gratification you want from sex.

 

You also need to explain to your boyfriend that you need him to take things slow and kiss you all over, touch you all over and if you're up for the challenge, try oral sex. If there's one thing that can awaken your sexual energy, it's his tongue against your clit. I'm sure many girls and guys here will agree, that oral sex can crank up your engine.

 

Try it and pm me if you want me to go into further details with you.

[shygirl23]

It makes sense to learn how to please myself before I give that responsibility to someone else. I'll give masturbating another shot. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get aroused? I usually have a lot of trouble getting into the right mindset when I'm alone. And I always get bored whenever I try (probably lack of arousal, I'm sure). Pictures don't really do it for me and I don't have any special erotic fantasies. I'm so difficult, I'm sure.

 

I think slowing down and trying more foreplay-type things might help too. Although, I'm definitely not ready for oral sex or intercourse... I've worked my way to touching, but it will be a while before I progress any more.

 

Thanks for helping, everyone. I really do appreciate it!