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If you were a dumpee, did you ever get closure? If so, when? Did you actually get to sit down with your ex and talk it out?

 

I'm 21 and my ex is 24. He dumped me back in October after I (yes, I was an idiot) called him up and got into a heated argument on the phone and then all we had was a 30min phone conversation the next week. I haven't seen him in person since October 18. He said that with his last girlfriends he never gave them an explanation but said that I deserved one. I told him I wouldn't feel closure unless I saw him in person and talked it out. He told me that he didn't know when we would see each other because "these types of things don't have a timeline".

 

I know its only been 2 months but I just feel like if we aren't going to be together then can i AT LEAST get closure to move on with my life?

 

When he broke up with me he said that:

--I did nothing wrong

---I really wouldn't want to be with someone like him

--he is going through a lot of personal stuff

-- he said he is hurting a lot too but it was nice to not be worried about someone and have to text them everyday

-- Asked if I would want to be with someone that just wants to watch tv and sports all day?

-- he needs more space

-- he keeps everything bottled up

--said something to the affect that it has been like this for a few months

--said that if it didn't end now, it would have eventually ended

---can't be with anyone because he needs to fix his own life, doesn't want to drag me along/hold me back

--we both have a lot of growing up to do

 

Despite all of this, i still LOVE and care about his so much and have hope/faith that he can turn his life around.

 

I respect that he wants to fix some things in his life and that he needs space, but do you think there is any hope in us getting back together or do think that I will at least ever get closure? =/ He always used to tell me that he wanted to be with me forever and we talked about marriage and children....things started to change in August and i noticed him pulling back more because of financial problems and stress with his family.

 

It's just weird because we are still friends on FB. I've been debating deleting him on FB but decided not to. I have made a commitment to myself yesterday to not look at his FB or Instagram. Damn it's gunna be hard but I know its for the best.

 

 

uggggh will i ever get closure or will he ever come back?

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It sounds to me like you are using 'closure' as an excuse to see him again. If he gave you all those reasons they should be enough. Besides, closure doesnt even come from the other person, it comes from within, its the stuff you tell yourself, the rejecting him for rejecting you, the acceptance that it is over etc

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Quick storey as you might not have heard it.

 

We celebrated 1yr on Sept 29. A couple weeks earlier I joked that we were broken up for a while so we had to start fresh. She got playfully annoyed and was excited to celebrate 1yr.

 

The anniversary sucked. I got her something but she didn't get me anything. We ate out at a crappy vegetarian/vegan restaurant with her sister's family because they were doing some kind of "cleansing" bull****.

 

The following weekend we did a 5-day road trip through the Cape Breton Highlands & etc. on the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and tried to take in some of the Celtic Colours music festival. We spent Thanksgiving (2 nights) in Sydney with her sisters and their families.

 

We talked on the phone normally through the following week. That Wednesday she got a gap between her two front teeth bonded (She got her teeth whitened the week before and a new haircut). Something seemed wrong starting that following weekend. By Wednesday of the next week, she didn't respond to my text. I let it go until Saturday when I contacted her by FB. She said it wasn't working. I asked what our last weekend together was all about and she basically dismissed it. My last words to her were by Facebook "It's all good". This was October 20. By Monday Oct 23 she had dramtically reduced my access to her FB page. She had an ad on PoF and within a couple days some new guy in the town she's living in temporarily said "Double Nice" about one of her pics. They had become FB friends by the 23.

 

10 weeks tomorrow NC. I know her and this guy are together now. I think she had the PoF ad up a few days longer than I knew about.

 

That's all I have to say about my POS ex.

 

She believes in karma too. That's my closure. I hope she gets it good!! That weekend cost about $800 between the two of us split evenly and it was all for nothing.

Edited by Gilson
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I disagree with the notion that the break-up is closure. People say it all the time but as the person who got their heart broken, I think the least we deserve is an explanation and what the last however many years were about. To this day, 1 year 8 months I still cry about the lack of closure. I'm constantly questioning myself on why I think the relationship when all I want is to be able to look forward.

 

So yes, the lack of closure is definitely hampering my recovery. It sucks because I don't think I'll ever get an explanation which means the questions could be haunting me for a long time.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. If so, please explain. Cos I've been struggling recently but that might have something to do with putting up with my family for too long over Christmas.

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I think the break up is the closure.

 

What you say - talking it out - sounds like you want to have a follow-up conversation on why he left you because you don't believe or cannot yet process what he has said.

 

I agree. "Closure" is just a word. If "closure" means "something that will make me finally understand or accept the breakup" it isn't anything that your ex can provide, because you are going to second guess every reason or explanation they give you.

 

I think people like to latch onto a need for "closure" (whatever the hell that is) to avoid dealing with the breakup. To the OP - You got a pretty long list of reasons, a lot more than I have ever gotten out of an ex after a breakup.

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"Closure" is a bunch of BS. The only closure you get is from yourself. You look for closure, you get it from them. It's not what YOU consider "closure" so you keep trying. Once you realize that they don't want to be with you anymore, and that no matter how much you love them, they don't love you the same way. When you accept that they are gone forever, that what you had, will never be again. That's when you get closure. It's SOOOOO difficult to accept. But that's what closure really is.

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Hmm yeah, i guess i just really wanted to see him one last time because when everything ended on the phone i felt like a part of me died. When i got off the phone i literally had a panic attack (never had one before) and cried so hard that it hurt. It felt like he had died and that I was never going to see him again. He is my first serious relationship and I just couldnt believe that it could just end on the phone. We had talked about marriage and children and our future home together before.... ugh. I guess "closure" would have been seeing him in person to hear him say those things to my face and to see it in his eyes.

 

Why wouldnt he be willing to meet in person?

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Sheesh. It saddens me to see so many people against the idea of giving your ex a face-to-face explanation of why things aren't working out and that the relationship is ending for good. Not only is that the least you can do for someone you had, at one point, cared deeply about but you owe your former partner the respect and kindness they deserve as a human being.

 

That said, even though it WAS only a phone conversation (which in itself is a cowardly thing to do) he did give you some reasons why he wanted to break up. (Let's ignore the fact that he was being pretty vague and going along the lines of "it's not you, it's me" excuse.) It seems like, in a nutshell, that he was unhappy in the relationship. If you feel like you ABSOLUTELY MUST talk to him in person, you could ask him if he would meet up with you... but make sure you make it clear to him that you would just like to clear the air with him and that you're not seeing this as an excuse to get back together. Also, by contacting him, you risk him ignoring you or denying you the meet-up. If he had already admitted that with previous exes he hadn't given them any explanation, you must keep in mind that he will probably repeat that pattern.

 

ETA: In my opinion, I wouldn't recommend contacting him unless you really really really have a burning question about the break up. From the reasons he gave you and how he ended it, this guy doesn't seem very mature and has issues with communicating his feelings and dealing with his (and your) emotions.

Edited by Intrepid2012
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"Closure" is a bunch of BS. The only closure you get is from yourself. You look for closure, you get it from them. It's not what YOU consider "closure" so you keep trying. Once you realize that they don't want to be with you anymore, and that no matter how much you love them, they don't love you the same way. When you accept that they are gone forever, that what you had, will never be again. That's when you get closure. It's SOOOOO difficult to accept. But that's what closure really is.

 

I agree totally

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I disagree with the notion that the break-up is closure. People say it all the time but as the person who got their heart broken, I think the least we deserve is an explanation and what the last however many years were about. To this day, 1 year 8 months I still cry about the lack of closure.

 

 

Seriously, I think it's time to move on!!

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I disagree with the notion that the break-up is closure. People say it all the time but as the person who got their heart broken, I think the least we deserve is an explanation and what the last however many years were about. To this day, 1 year 8 months I still cry about the lack of closure. I'm constantly questioning myself on why I think the relationship when all I want is to be able to look forward.

 

So yes, the lack of closure is definitely hampering my recovery. It sucks because I don't think I'll ever get an explanation which means the questions could be haunting me for a long time.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. If so, please explain. Cos I've been struggling recently but that might have something to do with putting up with my family for too long over Christmas.

 

Closure depends on the person. For some people, closure is RESOLUTION. So when the dumper says I am unhappy and I want to break up then the resolution people are finally able to know how to move forward after weeks or months of a push/pull or back and forth relationship. For these people, the act of breaking up is indeed closure.

 

For others, closure is ACCEPTANCE. This is where the dumpee takes in the various 'reasons' the dumper gives and mulls them over. Some reasons may be viewed as valid; other reasons not. Ultimately, the dumpee goes through their own stages of grief to finally accept that the relationship is over, that this is ok, and that he or she can be/is happy with life and singlehood again. In that sense, closure is taking the lessons from the relationship, feeling indifference towards the ex, and being open to dating again.

 

Some might view closure as EXPLANATION. I would caution against this thought. People hear explanations all the time when dumped, but they don't believe them. So they want to interrogate the dumper and it can quickly turn into a JUSTIFICATION session. That is not closure. That is rehashing and opening old wounds.

 

So, slow, I would say that you are not at the acceptane stage yet and I hope you resolve within yourself to move there soon.

 

I agree. "Closure" is just a word. If "closure" means "something that will make me finally understand or accept the breakup" it isn't anything that your ex can provide, because you are going to second guess every reason or explanation they give you.

 

I think people like to latch onto a need for "closure" (whatever the hell that is) to avoid dealing with the breakup. To the OP - You got a pretty long list of reasons, a lot more than I have ever gotten out of an ex after a breakup.

 

So in the senses I explained above, I agree that closure is just a word.

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Hmmm. Closure isn't just a word to me. I think it varies from person to person, though. I got mine through a few things. My ex and I never really had a sit down and talk through stuff...we talked for a long time when we broke up and he gave me a lot of bs (things aren't as "fun" anymore...yep...sure...glad to see you're planning dates as often as I am....). I asked a LOT of questions post-breakup and he answered few of them (he said a lot of "I don't know"s and "I'm sorry"s). Honestly, I don't think HE knows why he did it, but he felt that he had to and had so much confidence in his decision. That was part 1 of closure. Part 2 was seeing him and noticing that he looked at me differently. Part 3 was mostly acknowledgement that this is it, and it can only mean that there's somebody better out there for me.

 

It takes so much time to accept things and it comes in bits and pieces. I am not somebody who can rest with only the fact that he doesn't want me...I overthink everything and my mind finds peace through different things. It'll come, but it takes a lot of work (on our parts), and patience and acceptance.

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Closure? No. I am apparently wired wrong if I can't tell myself to move on and let it go. I don't pine as much as I once did, but her memory is fierce. Comes in like a banshee and I deal with it. I figure it will end just like started, when I least expect it. Until then strategies like no contact and keeping busy are my primary defenses. It gets old but this to shall pass.

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  • 8 years later...

Amazing to be back on this site 8+ years later, but I wanted to close the loop on this situation with my ex. Long story short, I did get closure on my own. I still had him in my heart, but I kept busy, dated new people, made new friends, traveled new places, excelled in my career, and I didn't dwell on the past (too much). When he did come back into my life, my closure was solidified. I no longer romanticized the relationship. 

The timeline is that he broke up with me in October 2012 and we went into "almost entirely" NC. We were still connected on Facebook, but didn't really interact with each other's posts and we only texted a couple times. The few texts we did send were usually angry ones and there was a lot of resentment/hurt on both sides. 

In May/June 2013, however, he texted congratulating me on a summer internship that I landed at my dream company (I had posted about it on my Facebook.) I remember being so surprised by the text because, for the first time, it wasn't an angry one and I could see a sliver of who he was when I first met him (friendly/kind/positive.) I responded to his text and we messaged back and forth a bit and he ultimately suggested that we should grab lunch or dinner together sometime soon. I agreed that would be nice and let him know I would reach out to him when I was available...

Secretly, as much as I wanted to see him, I couldn't bring myself to do it before or during my summer internship. I knew too well how devastated I was after the breakup and I wasn't about to let myself go through that heartache a second time, especially not during my dream internship. I'm very proud of myself for letting my head lead during that time when, for months prior, my heart yearned for an opportunity to be back with him. This Lady Gaga quote gave me strength during that time, “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.

In August 2013, the day after my internship ended, I texted him letting him know I could get together. A week later, we were sitting across from each other at one of our old, favorite restaurants. It felt surreal that only 10 months before we had gone through an intense, gut-wrenching breakup. During the dinner we kept it light and simple - no talk of the past relationship. Leaving the dinner, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I had grown so much during those 10 months and it felt like he hadn't improved at all. I was no longer romanticizing him. 

I don't think we really spoke or connected again until October 2016 when he texted happy birthday. During that period of NC from 2013-2016 we had somewhat forgotten about each other. We both had gone on to have different lives and we were each in two semi-serious relationships. It just so happened, however, that we were both single again around my birthday. It was like the perfect storm because, at the same time, we were equally thinking fondly of each other.

In November 2016 he reached out again, but this time asking to get together. He said he was going to be in my area that weekend and wanted to see if I was around. We ended up hanging out that Friday night, all day Saturday, and then Saturday night we went out with some of his friends. The whole weekend was great and I was on Cloud 9 again... until that evening. We ended up getting into a massive argument (screaming in the street at each other.) I remembered telling myself "this is why we never worked out! I could live the rest of my life and never care to see him again!" Even though the fight was horrible, I felt LIBERATED. Finally, for the first time, I was truly done with him and I could tell he was done with me too (he deleted me on all social media).

Then in May 2018 he messaged me on Facebook with a simple, happy "Hey! How're you doing?!" So much time had passed since our explosive argument that neither of us still harbored any anger. I mostly just felt indifferent. It was like hearing from a distant friend/acquaintance. Since reconnecting on Facebook in 2018, we've talked and hung out a couple times. He has since moved states, but I actually visited him and his cousin at their new place right before the pandemic in March 2020!

It's amazing how time and new experiences can heal heartbreak that, at one point, felt life shattering. Within only 10 months of separation, we had both changed so much. I don't want to ever be in a relationship with that ex again (we are ultimately too different), but I am happy to have him as a distant friend/acquaintance.

I've been wanting to share this story for years now because being on this forum really helped me during those initial first months after the breakup. The stories I read here and the lessons I learned from them really helped me years later, including in the four(!) relationships I've had since. 

I hope that by closing the loop on this story others on this site, who are feeling the same heartbreak I felt so long ago, can gain a glimmer of hope. You've got this! ❤️

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