Through the looking glass...

[meoww]

Well...

 

Who knows, maybe it would have happened anyway.

 

I'll just assume she would have made those improvements anyway. People do that all the time, change for the better.

 

The fact that I had a enormous hand in that is actually a good thing,

Because no one will ever be able to say, oh poor -------- she suffered so much until her toxic daughter cut her off, it really must not have been her fault after all

 

That's actually a very fortuitous realization

[meoww]

Can you forgive someone for literally imprisoning you for months? I never knew that she was that kind of person until I had to come back here. Is that what I am supposed to do to heal both of us?

 

Unfortunately for me, she crossed a line that makes it really hard to forgive.

Maybe the problem isn't even that she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. On some level I already forgive her for her terrible and misguided actions. I mean she obviously can't help it.

 

Maybe it's possible that I hate myself for not completely giving up on her despite her unforgivable actions.

 

Am I allowed to hate her? I seriously just think that would make her really pathetic. That she is a pathetic, low life would make me feel weird, because I am nothing like that.... Especially now that I've worked on my issues. No one should have to suffer indignity and humiliation

 

Well I say that, what I mean, is that it is one of my principles, even if I have a hard time feeling sympathy for her.

[meoww]

Dignity is something I've gained by cutting her out emotionally.

 

I grew up so much in the last two years because I stopped talking to her and stopped loving her.

 

I really hope I can learn how to love other people someday.

 

But I am so glad that I was able to forcibly take my dignity back.

 

I'm still scared someone could take it from me again..,

[meoww]

Another situation to add to the list of grievances.

I was really upset at first but I'm starting to calm down. I know that if things don't work out, I can't do anything about it. So, all I can do is just...get through the next few months.

She is definitely a master of lying by omission.

I was caught off guard

I thought at least this would go my way....

[meoww]

Wow I made serious progress today

 

I told someone about my family situation at work. In fact, it was my work bully. Who gave me some wise advice and listened to me while i cried for 20 minutes and gave me a hug. I think things have achieved a sort of balance and I feel cautiously relieved. I don't know if we will ever totally like be awesomely supportive of each other but I think we have a kind of understanding. What does it all mean?? Am I being paranoid that my vulnerablity will be exploited again...

 

But I think I did what I had to do

 

The incident this afternoon and all the very triggering for me

[meoww]

Phone cut me off...

 

Anyway and I just felt this urge or determination to unburden myself

 

And it was snowing

And I thought today is going to be the day that I tell someone

 

The amazing thing, is that the events that followed were nothing like what I anticipated.

 

I was aware that it could blow up in my face and that I could be called a liar.

[meoww]

I am finally getting out of denial

 

denial... It's like carbon monoxide .,,,.that only you can't sense

Well you know the emperors new clothes thing

 

I unburdened myself

I'm not carrying the secret alone anymore

I am kind of opening up

But sort of learning how not to overshare at the same time

 

I can't believe I told!!! I told

It's so so so so crazy

I wonder what it all means

[meoww]

Anyway,

 

Now I'm sort of 'out' as an abuse survivor

I have no experience with this. At least not any positive ones.

I think it was a weirdly smart move.

I'm still terrified of the consequences

But I think I'll sleep a thousand times better tonight

 

For once, like 65 percent of my secrets are out.

 

Wow

I mean

I took back my emotions

I took back my home

I took back part of my dignity

I took back the truth

And now I am at peace

And soon I will literally fly away

On a plane.....

 

I have to learn how to be normal

Soon I'll be on the 'outside'....

What does normal life feel like? I forgot almost completely.

[meoww]

Well here I am

 

Someone knows about my past now, I was able to ask for help in a constructive way. I was able to present my situation in a coherent way, and for once I didn't feel shrill or Iike I was incriminating myself.

 

I have mediocre but telling evidence of the verbal abuse I've suffered.

 

I've written the worst memories that I can remember down.

 

I've grieved.

 

There's not much left to do.

I actually survived. I'm not a complete wreck anymore.

 

I don't even care that I had to go through this alone...finally, after all this time, one person said it wasn't fair, the way I was treated, and it was like a religious experience. Something true and grounded in reality....that was all I ever wanted to hear.

 

Now it's like I'm sure of my innocence. And I don't need to be so defensive all the time. I don't mind being judged negatively at times, whether I deserve it or not, because of that. Why that is I'm not sure...

 

I guess I did one thing right

I righted a wrong I committed, in some way, if I started off on the wrong foot with my work bully, if that laid the foundation for how she later mistreated me. Even though she didnt apologize, at least, it's something...not necessarily good or bad. My super ego lol I can't spell conscientious fffff anyway I feel less like a moral hypocrite and more like the version of me in my head.

 

Luckily it's getting safer and safer for the girl in my head to come out in reality.

 

The twisted game has been left out on the table, about a quarter of the way done. I'd do anything to get that time back

But I don't think I can

This can't be right

In the words of the creepy venture capitalist dude on girls

"This can't be the way this goes"

 

Please please

I get it all now

I've mended my toxic, angry ways, I've learned how to communicate better, but

Here I am

In this mess of my own making

I know it wasn't my fault that my parents were very abusive

But

Oh why why why did it take so long.

 

How can I be happy when a quarter of my life was sucked out of me? Am I supposed to be grateful it wasn't more? How am I really supposed to feel, what is the correct way to do this

[meoww]

Ran into my dad's 'other woman' after not seeing her for like 7 years or something....

 

After being grilled repeatedly about why I no longer speak to my dad,

 

I subsequently spilled the beans about his abusive (non) parenting.

It was so incredibly empowering but also the scariest experience of my life. I was able to contain myself but I carry so much anger about their slandering me through out the years. I have a lot to explain, I guess.

 

It was such a weird situation!

But I really am sick and tired of being blamed by people in their social circle for how they treated me.

 

I am really proud of myself.

But,

 

I wonder...,if this is going to get back to my egg donor aka my biological mother.

 

I might refer to her as ED from this point forward.

 

I am so glad though that it's kind of out in the open now.

My heart is about 10,000 times less heavy than it was last week.

 

But I realize, in telling my story, it could potentially be wise to tell it in a calculated way,

 

So that I can illicit more sympathy

But I guess it doesn't matter.

All I want, is for me to be happy.

I don't care if my abusers' contacts think I'm wrong or lying. I just don't care.

 

Obviously I care, because most of all I want to rewrite their twisted history of me. I definitely care about that, but not to the extent that I'm willing to resort to the same tactics they use on the people they know.

 

Ewwwww

Just creepy, seriously creepy. I am related to these people.

This is my history, could it get much worse??

 

Do I have to invent a really big lie to cover this all up?

Wow....so much has happened and so much has changed. I wonder

[meoww]

I sleep and even breathe so much better having come clean to two people so far.

 

I know I need to shut up though. I was on a adrenaline rush yesterday after that happened. I looked in the mirror and I told myself that I need to slow down. I get carried away and start self destructing, convincing myself I'm doing the opposite.

 

I live in a world without consequences right now, because I'm not in an environment where I care much about what other people think. Which is bad for me...I need to be really careful about what I do and say so I don't have any major regrets later. I need to be motivated to be my best or at least, not hopeless.

 

It's amazing though, my anxiety about my silence has mostly dissipated and I haven't even outed my abusive egg donor. I don't even like that term. Maybe I could go with, ex parent of the female sex...or the female human who was assigned responsibility for raising me. That kind of makes sense. Because she wasn't a donor, I'm not even sure she was in the right state of mind to decide whether or not to have a child.

 

Anyway, not much more to say on this front.

 

It's amazing, all I had to tell, was the truth. And it doesn't matter much to me if I'm not believed because just don't have the luxury of caring or spending all this time trying to convince people of what is true. It's like my heart is at peace.

 

Now it's time to focus on me.

For the first time in my life I am not thinking about my mother 247. No matter how much she tries to pull me into her creepy undertow, I don't think I'm even capable of being duped, my wall is like steel and even I have no control over it. It's like I spent all this time building it and now it physically exists like a force field protecting me.

It's like a miracle.

 

No matter what, ill try at least to build a better life for myself. I can at least do that.

 

 

Anyway, so now, it's time

To think about myself

Me me me

It's so crazy, it's like I have so much time now. I can think about me.

 

It's almost hard to believe. I exist!! There is a me under all this. And I do can do things!?? That make me happy?? Wow it's unbelievable how is that even possible. Everyday I'm allowed to try to be happy. I have the freedom to do that now. I think about my needs all the time.

[meoww]

I am succeeding at not zoning out or trying to escape to fantasyland recently, or at least if I do I am less likely to confuse it for real life. I was just on a thread here where I learned something about coping mechanisms...sometimes we believe that we can change other people if we just reframe the way we see them or in a way repackage their flaws and personality in a more palatable way. But it's like the recession/crisis...you can call it any name you want but someday you are going to have to pay for the consequences. Thinking all the positive thoughts in the world doesn't change some things.

 

I hope I'm able to make most of my decisions using a rational thought process than what I wish were true. Obviously, I want to continue to have lofty ideals but I don't want to pretend I'm reaching them or that other people are, if they are just not.

 

So my diseased mind is becoming healthier but I know I have to turn my healthier thoughts into healthy actions.

 

I hope I'm ready for that. I almost caved and felt sorry for being about to cut off my mother. I had to go back and think through all the horrible things she had done to get back to being strong again. She's just so self destructive and vulnerable...it's sad to see someone with no love for themselves and no sense of dignity. Everyone walks all over her and treats her badly and it's all her fault!! I wish she could escape her personal hell. But she lies (even to realtors, to people she doesn't know) and acts so shifty...i had the strangest experience house hunting with her this weekend. She was dressed up like an old homeless person, I thought, she really is starting to look like the crazy abusive mother...

 

I guess that's karma for you..she looks really bad. I mean, far older than her years. No one ever thinks we are related.

 

She just had this very awkward way of presenting herself, like she was a loser and shouldn't even be there. My grandmother acts like this in public but is worse. With my mom, then on top of that she also alludes to being more successful than she looks, in a nervous, insecure way. It's like, just be normal in the first place and you won't feel like you have to defend yourself to begin with!! It's like, take a shower, clean up after yourself, wear nice clothes if you are going to look at model homes/ remodeling stuff. That's very obvious. And then don't give shifty eyed indirect answers to things or try to seem like you have all this knowledge about things you don't, like you are desperate to be seen as a peer. She is definitely pathetic...

But she shouldn't even be so prideful. So what if she has to admit she's pathetic. It's not the end of the world. I will never tell her just how easy it is to fix her problems because she deserves to suffer and I'm not her parent anymore.

 

That day I didn't feel disgust at her the way I normally would. I felt like an outsider, observing her the way someone who didnt know her would .

 

In some ways, I used to be similar, but the big difference is in our work ethic. I am a hard worker but she isn't.

[meoww]

That was interesting, I feel like I understand better now. As much as it sucks to have to go through all of this, it is definitely paying off now as well as in the future. I have to, well I don't have to, but it has helped enormously to observe my mother and her family carefully and understand why she became the person she is.

 

It's not my fault she married an old pedo and had daily mental breakdowns. That's not my fault. She shouldn't have blamed me for her failure to leave my father until he basically left her and even then she sent him so much money. That's not my fault and the fact that she blamed me and tried to get out of paying for my education even though she agreed in the divorce to do so, is actually kind of illegal. I should have just asked for legal advice about being coerced and manipulated into dropping out. There were definitely so many avenues to protect myself.

 

I should have told a advisor or therapist that I thought she wanted me to drop out, and held her accountable. We could have met as a group, and I could have had help getting her to be responsible for me until I could be independent. I didn't know any of these things

I just thought of that just now.

I needed a third party to see what was happening to me.

 

Amazing... Although I just feel so sad that none of that happened.

I can only think of these great strategies because I'm almost healed.

But seriously, how incompetent were my therapists!? None of them mentioned this as an option.

 

If I were them, I'd be like, I care about you, you need to get out of this situation as soon as possible and we need to think long term rather than on a month to month or yearly basis, I think you must feel so alone, but I'm here to help and support you because your parents failed you, you need to protect yourself and do well, get an education, and maybe you won't even get to do all the fun college things you deserve to do, and then after you have made those sacrifices, you are finally

going to be free. The window of opportunity is closing on you to make those choices that are going to lead to your long term happiness, I know you've suffered a lot of trauma and your perception is not healthy. In time we will work on that so that even if you stop seeing me, you'll be able to take care of yourself and feel in control of your happiness and emotions. This is an emergency and it's not your fault. But you have to do something about the problems you face because they are not going to just go away on their own no matter how unfair and cruel that is. I am so sorry it has to be that way, but on the bright side, just picture being free of them at 21. People may not always understand what you went through but you won't be desperate for their validation because I believe you and I know you are a good person, and I know you know that.You have tried your whole life to please your parents and yourself. You don't have to feel any guilt for that. I hope that someday you'll understand. If your parents had not failed you so deeply, you'd never be in this position to begin with. So, stop blaming yourself and start taking care of yourself. Don't set any goals, you need to learn how to be happy just the way you are. Does that sound impossible? I just want you to stop trying, just stop trying so hard to be happy and to please your parents. They will never be good to you, at least, not as they are now. You are so lucky to be in college and to be surrounded by so many fun things to do. Isn't that what you always wanted? Isn't that why you came here? Just do what makes you happy. I'll be there to make sure you make smart career choices, but I want you to first of all, just be the vibrant, curious young woman that you are. Lets just take it from there. Don't try to figure out your path when you don't even know what your passions or strengths are. First, you just have to find out and that's why you are here. So your only assignment is to be curious, and take action not just sitting around trying to figure it out. There are going to be so many dead ends, but you are still kind of blind right now. Don't worry. If you remain lost after pursuing my suggestion, I'll tell you. But, I don't think you will stay a lost soul if you do what I ask.

 

Those are the things I would say. But hey, better late than never. Well that helps. The simplest things are so hard for me, but now I know what to do!

[meoww]

So, I have to, or more like I have decided to, live with my abuser for approximately 3 more months.

 

What do I do with my time?

 

The woman I live with, the biological mother, is beginning to sense I'm leaving, and has begun an aggressive passive aggressive campaign to hurt me as much as she can before I leave.

 

After a horrible week with her, where I documented almost everything she did to me on video (on my phone, as usual), I think she is now resorting to damaging my stuff!! This is terrible and I don't know what to do. I think it partly has to do with me and one of her employees running into my dad's other woman.

 

I'm depressed about what happened to my new coat. I bought a wool coat yesterday. I hung it up on this random rack outside my bedroom, hoping she wouldn't notice it was there. I had a slightly bad feeling about it but I ignored it. I hung it there because I thought it would get wrinkled in my closet where there is not much vertical space if that makes sense.

 

The next morning, my coat was gone and there was a wet tablecloth hanging from the rack.

 

My bio mother said, with a slightly detectable smugness in her tone, that my coat was in the front closet.

I had a horrible feeling and later I checked the coat I had just bought.

A button on the cuff of one of the sleeves was hanging off, in fact a lot of the buttons seemed loose.

The armpit area of the coat looked strangely stretched out.

I thought maybe I was imagining things so I put the coat on again and looked the mirror.

It seemed so baggy and ill fitting...

It was so depressing

And if she's willing to go to these lengths, none of my stuff is safe.

So I'm scared and not even angry, I just don't know how to protect myself.

 

Anyway, I'm going out to see if it's actually true. I'm going to go the store to see if I am just really sensitive and paranoid.

The coat seriously looks so stretched out and I really don't think the buttons were damaged when I bought the jacket.

 

I wanted to enjoy my day off, not wasting time doing errands like this..,

[meoww]

Whatever time I have left, I want to use it as wisely as I can and as much to my advantage as I can. I need to do this without the bio mother noticing, that's the tricky part.

 

This now my main goal.

 

After I told two people, gathered a lot of the experiences and put them into my videos and this site, and grieved for 2 years, I found my voice. I am now able to articulate myself so much better, and most of all my life changed when the first person I told said that her parenting was unfair. That wasn't much but it was all I needed. I don't feel unheard anymore and I don't feel like I'm crazy or over sensitive.

 

I finally learned about a form of abuse called gaslighting. I had heard it before many times but I thought it was meant more like adding fuel to the fire or something... I was so wrong about that! It turns out that the bio mother's most effective form of abuse has a name. Her crazy making strategies are common and well documented in the therapeutic world.

 

I no longer feel the need to expose her right this minute. That relieves like 55 percent or more of anxiety. I don't feel like defending myself or having to constantly prove I am good person to the other people she manipulates. None of that matters now, I see that.

 

My anger is slowly becoming my friend and not my worst enemy.

 

I wish again, that I was wise enough not to play her games at all. Spending even a minute traumatized doesn't seem to be worth it, and seems like yet another victory for the bio mother. I shouldn't have bothered to try to defend my dignity. If I play her game, I know I'm guaranteed to be so hurt and screwed up that I literally could never leave her house (ie really, her prison and the physicalextension of her insanity) ever again. That's so scary.

 

I feel sad again. What a waste again right? I let her get to me again. For 2 years...

 

But the truth is that I was still being manipulated by abusive J at that point. He knew how desperately I wanted a family and he exploited my vulnerability, just like creepy ex ex. How evil, both of them are evil. Ugh....

 

The 2 years it took for me to get better were so worth it.

So so so worth it.

 

When I trust myself, I make way better decisions than the losers I somehow have to be involved with. I know that now. I take really good care of myself and I know what's good in life and I have good values.

 

I'm ready...I'm really ready. But why did it take so long. Why didn't I go through with it even 5 years ago.

 

I knew the healing process would rob me of years of my life, but now I see how completely and utterly different everything is as a free woman. I really wish I could get my time back.

 

Is that called 'bargaining' in the stages of grief? Do I have to accept my terrible mistakes, the ones that I can never take back? Do I have to accept that I will never get my time back and that all I get are a few more precious years of youth and beauty? Other people get 3 decades and I don't? Do I have to let that part of my life fade away and accept the middle age that is eventually going to come to me. I didn't even have a childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood. Now I have to be born as an adult? How is that fair?

 

I have never known normal. It's no longer this prize, this immaculate thing so far off in the distance. It's me now. Even if the bio mother destroys my coats that I look pretty in.

 

I have forced myself to accept the truths that are hardest to accept. I need to be grounded in reality to enjoy life to the fullest.

 

So the next step

I have to say goodbye to my childhood and lost youth. I will never have that. I will never have happy memories of high sch

[meoww]

Thanks phone, it really helps me not feel anxious at all when you post my half-written post...Uuughhh I hate this annoying stupid phone!!!! Anyway back to what I was saying.

 

One of the last things I have to accept in the healing process,

 

I accept that everything was tainted and soiled by my repulsive, trashy, pathetic abusers. I accept that time has to go on and that many opportunities have been taken from me, never to return. I will never know young love. I will never know about childhood friendships, summer, camping, being excited for my future, the joy of learning new things, I lost all of that. I will never know the contentment or the security of youth.

 

I forgive myself for being self destructive out of pain.

I am okay.

I will stop blaming myself for getting it earlier. I have done a great job of raising myself and I am really on top of things now.

 

I love myself and deserve to be happy even though I have made serious mistakes. I need to take whatever opportunities I have left.

 

I lost it all of it. I don't have anything. I was robbed and never compensated. There will never be justice.

 

There is only the future. I have to have hope that it's all going to be okay. I have to, otherwise it won't be okay and I really will ruin my life.

 

I have to have hope

Before the sun completely sets on my future and my life.

 

I hope I can make it. Otherwise I'm going to be inconsolable.

 

But I get it. I am here, I can't change the past. All I can do is make today better. All I can do is live for today. There is no way to change the past.

 

Is it okay, little me, if I leave you? You can come with me if you want. But I can't stay here with you anymore. I'm really, really sorry. I know it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry I get to live instead of you. But you can come

I don't know what to do with you. You have some happy memories hold on to. You know.

 

It wasn't a complete waste. I know it's hard to accept that. That this is how you lived and were even happy living this way. How could you be happy right?

 

But you are beautiful. Just the most beautiful human being I have ever met. I'll tell you why.

You were so happy to be alive, and no one could have asked for a better daughter. You were like an angel, you love everyone, there is no one like you.

 

You loved plants, remember remember, the windowsill garden book, and you loved experiments, and outer space and the just everything that is out there. You wanted to go there more than anything. And you had a solar system on your ceiling so you could look at it at night and pretend you were there.

You loved to travel and you loved history. Music didnt speak to you the way other things did but you knew it was important.

You love the desert and big, sublime formations in nature. You don't really care for animals in the same way but you have so much respect for them.

 

You loved to wear black and white and little black shoes.

 

You loved fantasy and stories about the past and great civilizations.

 

You wanted to live in a glittering cave.

 

You loved to read more than anything, about true things, novels weren't so meaningful to you but they were good too.

 

You are logical, but a bit of a nature worshipping pagan. You are just a strong girl. Not soft and feminine, but clear headed, bright and responsible. You are not sensual, you are powerful.

 

You wanted to live in art and colorful pictures.

 

You wanted to know things more than anything. You are an adventurer.

 

You don't need anyone. You are strong and that is your best attribute. You are impressive, and you are no typical woman and you need a special kind of man to satisfy you.

 

You're a leader. You need to lead.

You are red, black, white, and green but in your most private, spiritual moments, you are every color in an autumn afternoon. This is the part of you that is beautiful, that glows like a goddess. You may not be sophisticated, or cool, literally, but you are hot and true. You can't extinguish your fire, it's just there.

 

So now do you remember who you are?? Remember me??

How I did I forget

 

I guess it all started when I decided that playing the flute was for losers...

Sorry..

I failed you. Stop saying that, there is no time to waste.

 

So I feel like a penguin, waiting for summer to come.

 

I am myself. This time I know that is special and that I need to be brave. Brave enough to live for my values because otherwise my other self will come out sabotage me

You decided didnt you, that we need to live your way. I'll trust you:

 

Guide to me to the next light post and give me shelter

I will cooperate

I am yours

I am subdued

I am ready to submit to your wishes.

[meoww]

The sun hasn't risen yet, and I'm sort of contentedly browsing the internet in bed. Well suddenly, I remembered a scene from AIA that I hadn't thought of in a while, of Jacob wrestling with the angel. I had no idea what the point of that story was, because I'm not that good at close reading. So I sought out some other interpretations and it feels like there are these two that stand out to me. One is that Jacob limps for the rest of his life. It reminds me of how I once got into a bike accident when I was in elementary school. I was flying down the pavement feeling invincible, with a sense of smug satisfaction that I had to be the coolest person in the world when my front wheel got caught in a seam on the sidewalk, and I went tumbling head first into a neighbor's flower bed. They bandaged me up and were very kind to me but I felt a sense of humiliation. I felt like I was being punished for getting too cocky. I never really enjoyed riding my bicycle after that, and I wasn't even that injured. It was just such shock to my psyche at the time. If seemed like yet another reminder that I deserved to be punished for having fun or being confident.

 

The other interpretation is that once you meet God, you are never the same again.

 

This is what I've been trying to resign myself too right.

 

I remember from the film too...I felt like saying, bless me anyway. I want more life.

 

I guess I haven't done anything to deserve that yet.

[meoww]

Poetic justice. In my head, I wonder if everyone, including me, gets what they deserve. I wonder if all the paranoid thoughts I've ever had are true. I feel like I'm not willing to give up what I have here just in case there is no afterlife. I mean, there should be a class in every elementary, middle, and high school where we talk about this. The why are we here class. Shouldn't we all help each other just in case, like what if poverty was eliminated and a god came down to thank us...or something. What if we were all perfect and then we passed the test into the next phase of things.

Is celibacy a virtue? It made me think much more clearly than I ever had before. Do I actually have an inner voice separate from my socialization? If I do, then shouldn't I listen to it?

 

I should sacrifice and lose myself to find peace.

But what does that mean? Why is the world so beautiful if I'm not meant to enjoy it?

 

wonder if everyone in the world can see my suffering and thinks I'm pathetic.

 

But, then I remember, that I've lived with my mother for almost 3 years and that my life wasn't always like this. I've been gradually worn down and beaten down until my light was extinguished.

 

From this vantage point, it seems like the world is really a stage. Especially for those who are more like actors than students.

[meoww]

I feel really subdued. I feel clear headed but just tired. I'm not exhausted anymore. I feel slightly scared but that's okay.

 

I don't think it's good for me to be constantly exposed to the toxic fumes that the bio mother somehow emits

 

I honestly feel like it's a drug or a tranquilizer. I just makes me so sleepy, so constantly sleepy.

 

Hmmm. I really wonder if she really does sneak her sleeping pills into my food. But I don't think she does...

[meoww]

I've never felt so clear headed in my life.

 

I feel like should use this opportunity to get my thoughts sorted.

[meoww]

Well everything continues to get exponentially better as I let my skeletons out of the closet...

 

I can sleep at night. It's just such a relief. It's not as built up anymore.

 

But I feel, so quiet inside. I don't know and can't seem to anticipate the future the way I used to.

 

I wonder if this means I'm old or something. That I'm used up and my body has completely given up the fight.

 

The only comfort is that I'll never be a victim again. I'll never be so vulnerable and manipulated ever again. I know how to manage my emotions and I guess sometimes emotional burdens have a physical aspect that need to be dealt with. I need to unload them with a safe person every once in a while. Surprising, who is safe and who's not.

 

Soon I wonder who I'll be.....

And I wonder if I'll really get there without something going wrong.

[meoww]

I think I'm beginning to learn to never take anything for granted. Everything can change so quickly. I have no control over anything, which makes to hard to enjoy it when things do go my way. I end up questioning it and thinking I'm overestimating how good it actually is.

 

Pitfalls I've avoided in my life/corrections I've made:

 

Making serious compromises that completely change the course of my life.

 

Avoiding people who just aren't that nice.

 

I will make my own decisions about what I think success is.

 

I will never pursue a relationship with someone I'm not in love with ever again.

 

Valuing the good things I have, counting my blessings.

 

Being aware of my desires and needs.

 

I am glad at least for these things.

 

I am pretty sure I never could have achieved this if I hadn't stopped and reflected for a few years about what I really want out of life and why I'm so unhappy.

[meoww]

So the question now is, what do I really think is going to make me happy?

 

I finally feel untangled from other people's expectations, and I see that there are so many different kinds of people, so it doesn't really matter who I choose to be. I should just do what I like, always.

 

But, I don't know how to do that. I'm in a weird place, because I don't know if it is achievable. What I want doesn't seem to be achievable.

 

Which makes everything all the more confusing. On one hand, I know it's not fulfilling in the long run to sacrifice your true desires for the sake of being who you are expected to be. On the other hand, I know I don't fully grasp the complexity of the civilization I'm part of, so I definitely know I can't just brush its expectations off like it's nothing.

 

I don't even know what city I should end up in. I only have a few weeks left to decide.

[meoww]

I'm so glad I don't live in a drab, serious world anymore. I don't have to force myself to be serious because it's what I think smart people should do. It's hard to balance the more noble desire to better myself or to know more of the truth, with the comforts of a simpler, highly organized pop culture. I think I have to find a way to get both kinds of fulfillment out of my life to be truly happy.

 

But for the first time in my life I feel like I see more beauty in the world, without my vision being clouded by toxic ideas about taste and class. It's frustrating to no end.

 

Why does everything have to be organized this way and why are people just thrown together in society like this?

 

I love being female for whatever reason, even if it sucks sometimes.

 

Thank god for America in this regard. It just makes more sense to me. Thank god for female empowerment, male-female friendships and solidarity, the sexual revolution and tons of other stuff that I take for granted.

I can't believe I was born in a century that women couldn't even vote in...now I really get why both men and women need to be free.

 

Even just putting on a tank top and shorts is such an enormous privilege and political statement, I didn't understand.

 

It means, I come from a certain country that allows women to show their bodies, that I have the privilege of youth, health, money, etc, etc, and I really have the desire to make the most of that and I'm glad I can't be shamed, coerced, or brain washed into hating my body or thinking my sexuality is wrong.

 

Even in America it can't always be taken for granted and there are forces who are always threatening my freedom.

 

I want women to always have the choice, if they choose, to be whoever the hell they want to be.

 

In some respects, I guess I can thank my American friends for showing me my generations strengths. I think we have a good moral compass, at least some of us do.

 

Yeah, if these ideals didnt exist, I would be frightfully unhappy, and even more screwed up than I already am but it's not that way, and I hope women never lose their power again.

[meoww]

I guess living in such a pressure cooker of an family environment caused me to react to situations in extreme ways.

 

Generally speaking, as I look at the world around me, extremes tend to produce more extremes. Whether its in religion or education or hobbies... Extremes are celebrated when they are positive though.

 

I really need to be careful not to react in extremes. That's maybe why I stopped dieting, and lo and behold my weight hasn't changed much. I am what I am.

 

I need to rewire my brain.

Things I view as obstacles don't really have to be that way.

It really depends on how I see it.

 

I can't be perfect, I can't understand everything, I can't control other people and sometimes even myself.

 

Next, I need to live for myself.

 

I need to see myself with own eyes, not other people's eyes.

 

I need to be direct, and I need to immediately question when other people violate my boundaries. I need to just stand up for myself. I can't just act helpless and get mad later when I can't do anything about it.

 

Okay well I figured that out.

This is how I will attempt to live with integrity.

I'll just try to have faith this is going to lead me to a better place.

 

It's scary, never having been what I could call myself in front of other people. I buried myself to avoid rejection and to keep other bad things from happening.

 

It is my ultimate defense mechanism.

 

I hide from myself, even, so that no one can catch me.

 

This is interesting. I need to force me myself out, like really out. As horrible as it is, yeah, I'm a survivor and I'm not like other people. I'm completely different because of it.

 

That's what it is, I know how to love, but I'm not like other people and it's not because I'm special, or gifted it's because I'm a survivor of abuse, of pretty bad abuse.

 

So there it is. There is nothing really good about this other than the ungodly amount of compassion I have for others because of what I experienced. I'd give that up to be normal in a heartbeat.

 

So I'll soldier on, because I don't have any other choice. I might not have any real scars (except for 3 injuries indirectly caused by my abuse) but inside I have to honor that I'm different.

 

I can't imagine what a loving family looks like. Luckily I guess a lot of people would say the same, just not to this extent.

 

So, I will be like them, just one of those people who seems so normal until you really get to know them. Like really get to know me. I have to trust someone completely to let them know how my life used to be.

 

I feel relieved.

I know I'm getting better because I don't have nostalgia for my healing period anymore.

It was scary and I never want to go through that again. Even if it was spiritual.

 

So that's nice.

I can just let it fade...can I really let it fade from now on. No more scores to keep, nothing to add to the injuries to my soul that I can't bear anymore. I can protect myself as long as I forget and move on.