I thought we were getting back together?Sort of?

[slw1]

I 'll make thiis real short.Ex gf broke up with me a few months ago ,we still hung out as friends and I know she is still attracted to me.

 

Since breaking up I thought we were getting back together again twice,but she gets to a certain point and backs away again.The latest incedence-- I broke 2 months of NC a month ago,we have hung out a few times and things were very ,very good ,she's talking about doing things together again,but I think she is pulling away again now.I havent spoken to her for two weeks now,I'm always trying to figure out what I've done wrong,but its not me,its her.

 

Anyways,I think she is nervous about a serious relationship >I think maybe she has been hurt in the pass.I want to help her,but not sure how I should go about it.

 

thanks

[Scout]

I hate to say this, but typically when our exes do this back and forth stuff, it's not because they are nervous about a serious relationship per sec. They just can't completely let go of us because they are lonely and want the company and assurance we give them. Believe me, when they meet someone that really catches their attention, they end it once and for all with their former partner.

 

It sucks, but 99% of the time, that's what you can expect by staying "friends" with your ex.

[shockeddismayed]

slw1

 

There is no way for you to help her.

 

Seriously there is just absolutely NO WAY for you to help her right now.

 

If she is not ready for a relationship, the only thing you can do is either (a) peeve her off to the point where she is never ready for one with YOU, or (b) try to heal someone who isn't ready to be healed.

 

I tell you this from experience. I've had two relationships with girls who were initially VERY against the idea of a relationship (had nothing to do with me, but had to do with them being hurt in the past).

 

In both situations I just continued to be supportive and "the nice guy" so that they would realize I was a) not going to hurt them and b) allow them to see that a relationship could be fun.

 

In both situations I was successful for a short period of time. However both situations eventually ended poorly.

 

See.... the thing is.... most times, when people don't feel whole or secure enough for a relationship, and actually have the guts and insight to admit it, you need to let them heal themselves. If they can heal themself, they develop a confidence and a sense of control over their own lives... they come to realize they are responsible for their own happiness, and then, when they are ready for a relationship, they are able to give freely and lovingly, while still keeping a solid foundation of their own identity. Think about it... if all you can think about is how hurt you might get by the other person, how can you possibly give them full love while still keeping your heart guarded? Short answer: IMPOSSIBLE

 

If you try (and even partially succeed) in trying to heal someone, they may never build that internal strength themself. And that is no way to start a healthy relationship.

 

It can get ugly. I *helped* my current EXGF get out of a depression and start a relationship with me, even though she didn't feel entirely ready at first. Things were GREAT.... but 7 years later I went through a funk myself... she didn't know what to do! In my funk, I couldn't devote as much energy to keeping her spirits up (as I always had)... she got down... she couldn't figure out how to stand on her own feet, much less give me a piggy-back at the same time. What happened? She collapsed from exhaustion and broke up with me. How do I know this was one of the main reasons? Because she told me.

 

So what should you do? In my opinion, just leave her alone. You've already reminded her how great a person you are the last time you broke NC. Let her break it next time. This will help ensure two things: 1) Since it is HER breaking NC, you'll have your ego boosted, and won't feel that you are the one making ALL of the effort (this is important so that you don't get frustrated in the LONG reconciliation process), and 2) It makes it *more likely* (but no guarantee) that she has taken the time to sort out her head and DECIDE FOR HERSELF that she is ready to be in a relationship.

 

In the meantime.... continue NC.

 

Good luck.

[slw1]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I was going to come on this site a month ago ,and tell of my success story ...But ,I thought I would wait a little bit longer and see,because I dont trust her now(constantly flip- flopping)........This is so frustrating..