Can I marry a racer?

[Luciana]

When I met my BF, he had retired from racing (he's 46 now), after many years of being on the road racing. He was working in his business.

Now he came accross some money, and now he said he wants to go back to racing. I am very worried in that that will do to our relationship:

 

1) We are living together and he doesn't help much with domestic issues; it is moatly all on me, from grocvery shopping to throwing out the trash. With him gone a lot, I know it will ALL on me.

 

2) I don't like the testosterone environment of racing: groupies, wild car models, trips to the strip club and I know he isn't going to say no to temptation when the guys are pressuring him (based on the past);

 

3) In the few amateur races he participated just for fun in the last years, he becomes so obsessed with it that he cannot think of anything else, me included. I feel completely left out of his life. Even though he has a cell phone on his hip, he would never even call me. The ones where I accompanied him I felt like a statue nest to him. He would engage in a conversation with some guy and ignore me for hours. I would just stand there patiently. After a while it gets really old. He never tried to include me in the conversations, or involve me. He is a very egocentric man.

 

4) I am the kind of woman who likes to do stuff with her partner. I don't like to be left alone weekend after weekend, and that's the kind of commitment that will be required for him to go back to the professional racing he wants. I like an egaliatrian relationship, and this is only for him. I do believe in time apart but one thing is to go play soccer or golf for an afternoon with his friends; another is to stay away 4 days at a time almost every weekend of the year, plus working non stop hours in his car when he already has a business to take care of and a woman in his life.

 

5) He tells me he wants to do it and I have no say in it. I told him when I met him he had retired from racing, so I never considered what it would be like dating/living with a racer. He told me I can come to some races if I want, but that I should do my own thing. Now, I don't want to have a life apart from him! I work hard all day, I work out every evening, I have a daughter to attend to and a busy social life. Do I want to spend the weekends on my own from now on, which is my time with him? No! Do I want to take on horseback riding or skydiving by myself? No! I am happy to watch a movie or read a good book on my downtime, I don't need adrenaline to make me happy.

 

As for accompanying him, I would like that, but I am not sure I can always get away (they fly out on Wednesdays for practice tests). Second, I know he would prefer me not to go with him. I have absolutely NO interest in the sport, and I hate just standing there while those guys get all excited because some engine is making loud noise. I feel really out of place. I am sure he would not want to accompany me to fashion shows every weekend of the year!

 

So my problem is now that I fear the impact of his decision in our relationship. Should I find a guy who is more compatible, and who enjoys doing things with me? I really don't like to be the woman who's always alone because her BF is out there doing what pleases him. I know I will eventually resent him and I will pray for the day he gets tired of getting his kicks. I know racer marriages don't last long, and many racers are unfaithful because of the all the women who peruse the race tracks after them-some women are addicted to these types.

 

Any racers GF's or wives out there? How do you cope?

[i know it]

talk to him about it...if he can't make/find time for you its just the same as being single

[Skydiver8]

Ahh, something I might be able to help you with.

 

I think the key is that you also need to have something that is only yours. a hobby, a passion, something that can satisfy you while he's off racing. You need to still be your own person.

 

I am a skydiver, and skydiving is a very time-consuming and social sport. I see many of my friends who skydive break up with their significant others because of the very same thing you are talking about. The one who doesn't skydive gets jealous of the time my friend spends skydiving, and breaks up.

 

It's very difficult, but if you have something that you can spend your time doing that has nothing to do with your boyfriend, it makes it a lot easier. When your only interest is him, that's not healthy for either of you. I think he probably feels that you are taking something that he loves away from him.

 

I know skydiving is a huge part of my life, and if anyone tried to get me to stop, I would know that person isn't the one for me, since it is such a big part of my life.

[Mun]

Luciana,

You ask something very important : should you find a man who is more compatible with you?

 

I think this is only part of the problem. From your previous posts-and now this one- it sounds to me as if you are the one holding this relationship together. As you said, you handle all the domestic things, find yourself doing things on your own, he didn't want to get married. It takes two to make a relationship happen and he seems to be doing everything possible to keep it from happening.

 

Are you sure you want to be with him for the rest of your life? I'm sorry if I offend you, but you deserve so much more. Maybe it's the right time to take stock of this relationship and figure out if indeed you should find a man who is more compatible. One who will give you a good place in his life instead of trying to push you aside.

 

You seem to be a lady with a good head on her shoulders. I am sure you would find the right man for you--never settle

 

Love

[Vanilla]

a man who loves you and wants to MARRY you and spend the rest of his life with you should be willing to compromise. when you two met you should have discussed what were the possibilities of him returning to racing. I am REALLY SORRY but if I were in your shoes and he wanted to go back to racing and I had NO SAY in it and I knew he'd be there amongst sleezy women and heading to strip clubs...and eh can't even see where I'm coming from...I dont think I oculd deal.

 

Commitment is about your partner being there with you. Sharing and enjoying things together. Loving eachother more than racing or whatever it is. And why wouldnt he want you there? He should want to incorporate you in something he loves to do? I understand if it was going fishing with his brother or father, something he only did with a male that did not take 4 days every other week and that would not expose him to strip clubs.

 

Luciana you sound like such a loving wonderful and READY woman. I'm not so sure you'll really find happiness in this relationship. I urge you to please look deep into it, and ask yourself, am I happy. Do I love this man MORE THAN ANYTHING, so much that his trips wont BOTHER ME IN THE LEAST. Put yourself first, LOVE yourself more! While his needs should matter too there should be a compromise, and if he's not willing...I think thats a big sign.

[Luciana]

You guys are very right. While Skydiver's advice is right too, deep down I know it won't work for me. I am simply not that kind of independent woman who likes to do everything on her own.

 

Do you know what I fear? If I am alone too much, I will meet OTHER men. I will got to parties without him, I will have many opportunites of meeting maybe interesting men..and God knows what can happen. I fear more for ME being unfaithful if I am left alone too much them HIM being unfaithful, since he will be busy with his car and male talk. He told me he doesn't really like strip clubs and I hope he's right.

 

I was spoiled: I was married for 16 years to a man who loved being with me and who would go with me everywhere, even to the supermarket. Now I am with a man who is happy by himself and how has a very "male" mind. My first husband had more feminine qualities, and I now think these men are the ones who get along better with women.

 

I still have feelings for my ex-husband. He is a very good, sensible man. He's refined and calm. He gave me calmness, while my present BF winds me up (he has an energetic personality and a strong temper).

 

Why don't I go back to my husband? Because I am scared I will be so bored with him. He is very pessimistic and has no drive. He is a bit depressed. He wasn't physically affectionate but he showed love by being reliable and present and helping with house chores and always being there for me. I am always there for him now too. he just had surgery and I took care of him (my fiance wasn't jealous at all!).

 

I wish other divorced couples had such a good relationship as me and my ex-husband. I love him and respect him and we are no good friends. He is a brother to me.

 

Muneca and Sch, you give wonderful advice and make us feel cared for. It really beats talking to friends or paying a shrink to say "How do you feel about that" every 3 minutes for 150 dollars and hour.

[Luciana]

BTW, in this issue I will have to talk to him a lot. I cannot deprive him of his greatest love-something he has done since he was 16-that will make him resent me more and more.

 

But I have to be realistic and see if I can put up with it. Maybe he should date a woman who loves the racetracks too. Or someone who loves to be on her own, jumping off planes or climbing Mount Kilimandjaro...

[Vanilla]

Luciana, I respect your choice to a point you can't imagine. You're going through such a hard time, but still found the gray area to consider whats best for you and still be considerate of him as well. That takes a lot from a woman. I think you made some great points. See, while most men cheat due to lack of sex in a relationship, most women cheat due to lack of romance and connection. It's good you are able to recognize that and get out of it before you mess it up really bad.

 

*Note...No man will ever admit he likes strip clubs to their girlfriends, unless their girlfriends are the kind that doesn't bother them and wouldn't get mad, which most of us aren't. While there are men out there who think its a waste of money and the girls are trashy, having a naked girl dancing infront of them still has some sort of appeal, but some men are better at telling us what he like to hear...*sigh*

 

I completely agree that you should talk to him. He loved racing before he loved you. I guess that should have been a red flag at the beginning but then again you though he was retired. I think you're taking the best approach to this situation. I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted on how it all turns out! wishing you the best of luck!

 

ps: Wow! I think its so amazing you and your ex husband have such a great bond. That is really unique. You two must be really wonderful people. I'm sure you're two girls really value that.

[Mun]

It really beats talking to friends or paying a shrink to say "How do you feel about that" every 3 minutes for 150 dollars and hour.

 

Luciana,

How do you feel? and... my bill is in the mail.

 

You do make some good points and because you really want to keep this relationship. I have a recommendation : pick your battles. Decide what it is that you WILL NOT put up with and discuss this with him. Also figure out what things would bother you, but you can live with. Everything doesn't have to be an argument. Your friend ( the engaged one) could probably give you some pointers on how she is making her relationship work.

 

Men need their "guy time" just like we need our "girl time." As long as he is respectful to you and considerate he should enjoy himself. I notice men "play" more than wowen do. They get together to play a sport, play cards, play music maybe we should play more too.... but that's another issue .

 

The very qualities that attracted you to him, he is very masculine and charged up is what is bothering you now. I can see how this is a handful, but you wouldn't want it any other way right? Why not enjoy it?

 

I can see this from both sides of the fence. If you are sure that he loves and respects you, then why not find a compromise and make the relationship work. If the issues are deeper than this, then you will have to consider other options. Go with your gut feeling Luciana. You are really the only one who knows what is right for you.

[Luciana]

Last week I have been obsessed with "S and the City". I watched about 20 episodes on Comcast on Demand for free. I love them all. We are all a mixture of Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda. I see a bit of myself in all of them. I wish I had some really close female friends like that.

But at my age people are coupled and so busy. I try to invite a woman friend to do something and she says she can't because she is with her partner.

[ComputerGuy]

OK, it can work, so I just thought I'd get that out up front. My Dad is heavily into motorsport....has many championships in speedway, drag racing, circuit racing, rally......you name it, he's done it.

 

My parents relationship seems fine from what I can tell and my Dad is like my best friend...we tell each other everything, so if he was having a prob chances are I'd be the first to know.

 

It's not all glitzy and girls and groupies like you'd think. As long as you can tell him that you'll support him so long as he keeps you as his number 1 priority, I'm sure you can get through this. It will be hard iniitially I imagine, but with some effort and perseverance, I'm sure you'll be able to be quite happy.

 

Good luck

[justagirl20f]

My BF loves cars. He races go karts and if he had the money he'd go into racing professionally (that would be his dream). At the same time, I love him more than anything. I'd never EVER hold him back from doing what his dream would be, and if one day it so happened that he won the lottery or something and it allowed him to become a pro driver, I'd try really hard to make things work between us.

 

I horseback ride, and I'm trying to become more involved and more competitive with that, so I'd try and be understanding of this passion. But if ultimately, it wasn't going to work (like if the car models and strippers see my BF more than I do, for instance) I'd kiss him one last time, tell him I love him and good luck, and then go off on my own.

 

It would be the SECOND hardest thing in the world for me to do, to leave him. The absolute hardest would be to lay in half of an empty bed time after time, wondering why he'd choose to be away from me so much when I love him so deeply.

 

Good luck, chica.