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Not too long ago I had a change of attitude and a new look in life. I could not have been happier when the change came and I was beginning to think that maybe life has really turned around for me. Sadly it has not. Being this way sometime now I realized that I am back to square one. Though it is a deviation from the first depresion, it is just as painfull. This new life I chose for myself is a vast improvement from my previous style but I find that I just want more. With my change I realized I had made the things I wanted most to happen. But that doesn't seem so true anymore. My desire for it grows more intensely as I near happiness but only to find that it is out of reach. It dangles before me as of to tease and only causes more pain. I can't help but fall back into depression. If changing my life could not bring me happiness, what more can I do? I've have learned to accept myself but it seems that a part of me die each day. I cry as I write this. I don't usually cry because I am a man. The last time I cry was when both my parents told me I was a mistake. The new lifestyle brought much joy but it is waning as it has proven to have minimal benefits. I still lack companionship. The pain of loneliness has spiraled out of control. Tears fall as I read my own writing. I truly believe that this is the best it will get, depression has sealed my fate. I can't take it anymore.

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im glad you have changed you life for the better...and things may look down but then always go back up!! always ...believe me ive gone thru a few deep depressions too ...everything goes wrong at once..and it seems like theres no hope..but somehow some light peeks under the crack in the door and something good happens!!! and you bounce right back up ..and u just have to go with it ...things are bound to go wrong again ...but thats life..nothing is perfect all the time ...and there is no happy medium ..its ups and downs downs and ups ...you just have to live for those good times ..and set goals for yourself ...

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It is hard to change things when your environment or situation does not change. Maybe you need to find new friends and a different situation? Maybe you need to find happier friends. It may be your parents that keep knocking you down. My mother said she wish she did not have me. For her birthday one year I overheard her tell my father that she wished I would get hit by a car. People just say crap just to keep us down. Misery likes company. I can be having a great day, then I stop at my parents and not even minutes after entering the door I have to hear crap. It messes me up for a bit, but I get over it. Years ago none of this bothered me...I would just go to a bar get drunk and have myself a good time.


Evaluate your situation and environment...figure out what bothers you, and what brings you down. You may need a bigger change then just trying to like yourself.


Hang in there


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