Mistykitty's Musing

[Mistykitty]

I don't come here much anymore (as I suppose that's what usually happens when someone's past the initial stages of heartbreak), but I still try to remember to keep this updated. I'm supposed to be in bed right now, but I thought it'd be good for me to let some thoughts out.

 

Things with me and that guy are going well. I think about doing things like holding hands, kissing, whatever with him...but when we're actually together and we hug, there's no "sparks". Its kinda weird, haha. But I'm not too worried, because I'm pretty sure that's just me not fully being over my ex yet.

 

I like this guy, he's really chill. I think if we do get serious, I'll really like our relationship. He doesn't pressure me or anything, like all my exes have done. Kinda nervous for tomorrow though, because its a new semester and I have three classes, so its almost certain my ex will be in one (since we're in the same major). I mean, I don't mind talking to him, but it'll be really weird seeing him for the first time in over a month, without speaking or anything...I don't think we've ever went that long without talking..

[Mistykitty]

I maybe shouldn't do this, but I'm cross-posting something I just wrote for tumblr on here. That way I can always find it, and maybe it'll provide some hope to other people

 

"So, my ex is in one of my classes

 

And it just got me thinking about how far I’ve come since the breakup. Its so hard to believe that three months ago, I was devastated and didn’t think I’d ever love again. I didn’t think I would ever be happy again.

 

Then, for whatever reason (I honestly don’t remember what my kick in the pants was), I started bettering myself. My depression/bipolar/whatever had consumed my previous relationship. It turned me into someone I’m not, and I was determined to not be that person ever again.

 

I stopped cutting. I took a month off from social media and talking to anyone, and learned how to thrive on my own. I re-learned how to love myself and be the confident, happy girl that attracted my ex in the first place. I learned how to cope with episodes and how to just walk away instead of posting vague attention-seeking things.

 

And you know what? Its not even about him anymore. It never truly was, actually. I didn’t think this day would come, but I’m thankful for the breakup. It helped me realize so many things and caused me to reclaim my identity.

 

I’m really, really proud of myself. Someone called me their idol the other day. I survived three months alone and I’m strong enough now to know that I can do many more. And whatever happens, happens

[Mistykitty]

Welp, I was gonna have a nice, relaxing night, but after my ex decided to text me, I felt I needed to put some things here.

First off, its just weird how far I've come. Something like this would have torn me apart last month at this time, but now I'm just crying a bit and I know I'll be on my merry way.

 

Why am I crying? Well honestly, probably the big reason is that I now know he's spending spring break with that girl =/ My fault, but now I can't help but picture all the things they're gonna be doing (and probably already are), you know how that goes. The other reason is it just...brings back some feelings, I guess. Not "Omg I wanna get back together with you" feelings, but just talking to him reminded me of our relationship. It makes plenty of sense, but it still sucks.

 

Also, I'm so mad at myself for literally falling right into his trap. ALL he was looking for was an apology, and I gave him that. Now he's done talking and I feel really stupid. Plus it bugs me that he thinks I'm a carzy ex-girlfriend. I know it shouldn't even matter, but I can't help it =/

 

And finally, I guess I should admit that a small part of me was hoping we were rebuilding things. Spending time just talking to him Thursday and him actually apologizing seemed like really good signs. My My logical sense is SCREAMING that its just because he wants to be friends, but my heart is hoping for more, I guess. It certainly seems like he's not over me, at least, with him looking at my social media and getting bothered by it and all

[Mistykitty]

Supposed to be helping my brother with homework right now, but I think my ramblings are a little more important, hehe.

Actually, I don't really have anything specific I was gonna write about, just felt like talking.

 

Hmmm...a little bit ago I forwarded an email to my ex from our group leader because I realized she got his email address wrong. NC worshippers are probably silently cursing at me, but -shrug- I'd do it for anyone =P Today at work, pretty much all I could think about was him and that girl. I know they might just be good friends (lord knows he had his worries about my male friends before XD ), but I keep thinking back to what I know about her. She is sexual and loves video games, the only two things he wants, apparently. Plus she's ~blonde~, and probably ~sexually attractive~ to him. And then I think about how a couple weeks ago he was complaining he had nobody to talk to about "serious" things...but they probably got closer once I went NC for good.

 

God. I want the thoughts to leave! They'll probably cuddle and play video games all break. Will they sleep together? I can see him doing all the things he used to do for me...in fact, I had the terrible thought earlier that he might bring her flowers. And he probably will, because he's just that type of person. I keep remembering all the things he did to court me, and now he's probably doing all them with her...and it hurts, God, it hurts so much...

 

Why does it still have to hurt, even if I don't want him back? I know from past experience that it'll keep getting easier and soon enough I won't even give them a second thought; but that's scary. He was such a huge part of my life--as a guy I had a silly little crush on, then as a best friend, then finally a boyfriend--and now he's gone. nothing.

[Mistykitty]

Its been weird lately. Yesterday at this time, all I could do was think about the new guy. I even fell asleep thinking about us cuddling, which is something I haven't done since the honeymoon stage with my ex, pretty much.

 

But then today, I thought about my ex most of the time. Not the "bawww I want him back" sorta way, but just reminiscing and such. Do I still miss him? Yes, of course. I think after only a couple months, I'm allowed to still miss him.

 

I just wish the thoughts of him and that girl would stop creeping up. And I do not want to have to see him in class tomorrow.

[Mistykitty]

Sitting here in class and I feel so pathetic.

My ex and I have been talking in class a bit lately, so I thought things were good. Just friends, you know; I know there's no way we're getting back together.

 

Well today, I saw him driving his new car and texted him about it, and he completely blew me off. He saw me in class and started playing with his phone for about five minutes before putting it away again, I guess to make sure I knew he was ignoring me. And we're not doing anything in this class, so I made the mistake of going through my old tumblr messages...and found a bunch from him, from when we had first started dating; and on top of that, he had finally changed his profile picture from the one I made for him. I was trying so hard to keep it together, but I finally had to get up and go to the bathroom. And I sat there for ten minutes, just crying my eyes out.

 

I'm not sure if anyone knows what this feels like until they experience it. Having to see someone twice a week takes an emotional toll on you, regardless if you want to get back together or not. Its the simple fact that you spent years together, and now its just nothing. Like my mom said, "Even if you're on speaking terms, its the fact that its just not the same any more." And it hurts. Like hell.

 

Not to mention, I'm constantly left wondering if he feels the same way. Showing emotions was never his strong point, but how could he not show anything? How could he be so cold? I understand he has somebody new, but so do I. I never really believed that it hurts the dumpee so much more than the dumper, but I guess I'm starting to see just how true that is.

 

I hate this class. Its torture. I hate seeing his stupid face twice a week and I HATE having to work with him on projects. And I hate that nobody gives me credit for holding it together so well except myself.

[Mistykitty]

Why are these days so hard? I know healing goes in cycles, but its been several months now with minimal contact (I can't cut off all contact due to having to work together for projects and such). Things have been going really well, but the past couple of days have really hit me hard. I miss him. I fall asleep thinking about our times together and I usually wake up sad. Its almost as if I'm back in the "everything reminds me of him" phase. I can't seem to shake this and it sucks.

[Mistykitty]

Today went pretty smooth; just worked then came home a bit early to do homework. That's what I've been doing since then--just doing homework and listening to songs off my "chill" playlist, mainly Gotye.

I think its maybe my weird state of mind I'm in right now, but one song hit really close to home...

[video=youtube_share;CeFdIDZ9SxM] ]

 

I think its the way he says "baby". It reminds me of when my ex said it towards the end of our relationship, where I was crying and he told me we'd fix things. The last time I'd ever hear him say it, and so close to the end of our relationship, who knew...

[Mistykitty]

Geez, its crazy how much I've grown in the past couple of months...last month at this time, I probably would've been freaking out if my ex called. Today, though, I didn't even answer the phone, and wasn't even sure if I wanted to call him back.

 

It is disappointing that he didn't want to talk about our relationship or even apologize, but....it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It hardly hurts at all, actually. But I'm glad I did call back, so at least I know what it was about.

[Mistykitty]

Supposed to be doing homework right now (am I ever not?), but eh, what the heck. This thing is pretty good for getting my emotions out in a safe way...and some of the entries provide something to laugh at, or look back on and be proud of how far I've come =P

 

Since we've been talking semi-recently (who the heck WANTS their ex involved with their money? I will never understand him), I've admittedly fallen back on stalking his social media. I saw him flirting with his e-girlfriend, and felt a pang of emotion; but definetly not as intense as it used to be. Its getting better, just slowly. However, I can't stop thinking about why he ended up with her. If alcoholism runs in your family, why would you want to be with one? Why would you become one yourself? I mean, I'm sure he's not an alcoholic now, but I remember him not wanting to do anything social because he didn't want to feel pressured to drink. He hated alcohol. Then something changed, I guess. Maybe stress had gotten to him or maybe he gave in to the pressure. Is it the familiarity? I know things like alcoholism do tend to run in families, but why would you choose to be involved with someone who drinks, too? So you have something to do together, I guess.

 

It hurts that he's so different now. He wears completely different clothes and even goes by a different name now. Part of me feels like I was "holding him back" or whatever ****, but another part knows that's just him trying to move on. It hurts seeing him every week. He mentioned me "staring at him", and sometimes I do. I'm just trying to figure out who he is now. So many things happened "last year at this time", and now he doesn't even seem like the type to enjoy any of those things. I remember, it was last year at this time I started having really bad mood swings and getting suicidal, and he cried the first time I said I wanted to kill myself. He held me and told me how much I meant to him and how it hurt him that I would even think about doing such a thing.

 

But then he started caring less. He said I felt that way "too much" and started ignoring me. I would say I wanted to kill myself and he'd just turn his phone off, and then get mad when he woke up to text messages from me. See what I mean? How could he turn so cruel...

 

I'm crying now. It hurts to remember all of this. Why must people change? Why must they change so much? I wonder if he honestly stopped caring about me, or just got tired of showing it. I'm thankful for all of this, though. It's helped me realize that I deserve so much more. I deserve someone who will love me ALL the time, not just when its "easy" for them. I deserve someone who wants to see me happy. I deserve someone who appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.

[Mistykitty]

Its been weird...lately, he's been the first thing to cross my mind when I wake up. But not really sad or anything, just thinking about him. Mainly how we cuddled and the times before my parents had met him when we had to sneak around to see each other. Why, though? Why do I still think of him? Its been almost 5 months now

 

...holy crap. That means, at the end of next month, it'll be half a year. Time flies, you guys, especially once you really get going on the healing process. I was a complete wreck; I didn't think I'd ever be able to heal. But I am now, even if I have some down days. Never lose hope

[Mistykitty]

Holy. Crap.

I don't have too much to write today or the brainpower to do it, but I NEED to let this out and maybe ask for opinions

 

So that guy I've mentioned several times, whom I've been/was dating. He stopped talking to me, out of the blue?

He still likes/comments on my things on Facebook so I don't think he's mad, but as far as actual conversation goes? Nope. He recently got a new gaming computer so I understand him not talking during the day, but he flat-out stopped texting me "good morning" and "goodnight", and has been ignoring everything I've texted him. A couple weeks ago, he told me to make something specific for him (I'm a crafter) and I finished it yesterday; sent him a picture aaand nothing. seriously, he's ignoring something he blatantly asked for.

 

Its been going on for like 3 days now and I can't help feeling like it's the universe's way of testing me. A huge factor in my previous relationship ending was the fact that I was too clingy, and this is the EXACT scenario that would trigger my clinginess. Do you know how hard it is to not feel bad about myself because of him, or ask him why he's not talking to me? Its really hard. But I'm learning to let this stuff go, as difficult as it may be.

[Mistykitty]

As spring break looms closer, I'm getting more and more depressed. I know they're spending it together and now all I can think about is them doing everything we used to do together.

And it especially hurts knowing that they probably were planning it all along.

I just want this to end. I want this semester to be over so I never ever have to think about him again.

[Mistykitty]

Supposed to be getting ready for school, but I don't really care much today. Last night was rough. I had the type of panic attack that I haven't had for so long, and it kept me from sleeping. I'm not even sure what triggered it; just everything happens so fast and you can't do anything to stop it. Sobbing, gasping for air, wanting to pull your hair out and so many thoughts going through you head that the only one you can focus on is how you want it to stop.

 

God. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom and having a flashback to when we were dating and one happened. It was because he said he didn't appreciate the things I do for him or something. Its been so long, I'd really like to stop thinking about it. It sure would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't have to see and get along with him twice a week. I'm seriously debating to not go to class today. I'm not sure if I can handle seeing him. I don't think I'll be able to look at him and keep myself from breaking down because I know he's leaving tonight to go see her.

 

This feeling of being replaced. Seriously the worst feeling.

[Mistykitty]

My friend is texting me about her amazing night with this guy she met. Apparently there was lots of intimacy involved...her boyfriend dumped her like two months ago.

Not anything against her, but it makes ME feel bad. I'm going on 6 months post BU and I haven't shared my form of intimacy with anyone, nor have I really wanted to. I just feel so...broken

[Mistykitty]

Wow, haven't written here in a while. That's usually the way it goes now, though; I've healed so much, and the NEED to write things down has virtually disappeared. I'm still gonna try to keep up with this, though, because it does still help, plus its fun to look back on x)

 

Things have been kinda crazy on the guy front. The guy mentioned 4 posts up, who I really had a thing with, still isn't talking? Its been almost a month now. He texts me every so often, and when he does he's really flirty, but he's just NOT putting forth the effort anymore. I'm pretty sure he wants me to chase him..I know its mean of me to not, but no more of that, at least for now. If there's one thing I learned from my failed reconciliation attempts, its to not waste my time on someone who won't give ME the time of day. If I made more of an effort, then I'm sure he'd talk to me like he used to, but honestly I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm still enjoying the perks of being single (which are AWESOME, by the way), and I'm not gonna get tied up in something that leaves me emotionally exhausted.

 

And on the other end of things, I found out my coworker has a HUGE crush on me. Well, I kinda knew it all along cuz he was pretty obvious, but he finally told me the other night x) He's a HUGE sweetheart and I could definetly see us dating, but he has a girlfriend. That's a bit weird, but I know these feelings can't be helped, and we're not acting on it. Its just nice to enjoy the feeling of knowing someone likes you so much c:

[Mistykitty]

Saw my ex ranting about how "crazy" I am and how his "taste in girlfriends is bad" on his tumblr

Ouch

[Mistykitty]

I don't even want to know why he's asking questions about abortion

I NEED to cut him out of my life completely. I don't know why I do this to myself. At this point, I honestly think its a stupid "keeping myself in check" thing. Things have been going so well without him that I'm compelled to get him into my life again, knowing full well it will hurt me

 

I hate this

[Mistykitty]

I decided to be weird and compare my ex's exes, and...they all have huge boobs. All of them. Even the girl he's interested in now. I know its ~just a part of nature~ but I can't help but feel like that played a part in him not wanting me. I'm over him, its just that I'm already self-conscious about my breast size =/ I'm not flat-chested by any means, but even my friends always joke about how I have smaller than average boobs

 

sigh

[Mistykitty]

Well, here we are. Just finished my second year of college and I'm feeling great

 

One of my classes had an end-of-year bowling thing that I was excited to go to...ended up not wanting to because I wasn't feeling all that great. Seeing all the pictures on Facebook and hearing about what a good time everyone had makes me a bit sad, but a guy I've been seeing ended up visiting me at college and we had an amazing time

 

I can't get over how things like this happen. I never thought I'd be in another relationship, but here I am! With a respectful guy, at that. He honestly makes my ex look /so/ bad, and I'm pretty okay with that, haha. Cheers to the end of a school year, and new beginnings