Mistykitty's Musing

[Mistykitty]

This section has been enticing me for awhile, and I figured I'd finally start this...even though I have about five journals now, hah. This one might be a bit different since I know that people can see, so it'll be interesting to see whether my writing style changes or anything.

 

Aaanyways. Today was pretty good; my five hour shift turned into an eight hour one so that helped keep me distracted. Then I went home and did a lot of math homework, which is a first for this semester, hah. Math homework is HARD for me to get motivated about, since it has nothing to do with my major and there are other, more fun assignments waiting for me. Actually, getting math homework done actually made me feel pretty good C: I hate falling behind in things, even if it IS math class.

 

I haven't even thought about the breakup much...usually Sunday nights are hardest since that's when it happened. The pain is getting less and less every day, and it feels great but its scary at the same time. Terrifying. What if he feels the same? What if he finally wants to get back together once I've moved on? And I'm so scared for tomorrow. Chances are he'll just be friendly like he usually is, but there's always the chance he's gonna be pissed at me for not talking to him all weekend. I hate that I'm so emotional that its so easy to cry in public. I was in tears during class a week after the breakup, which I'm sure didn't make me look too good.

 

And I keep thinking about his post. If he's supposedly ~so~ sad, why isn't he doing anything about it? I understand he doesn't want to talk because "it always ends badly", but surely he thinks it'd be different after 3 days of not talking? Maybe its a pride thing.

 

I like how I started this with "I don't think about the breakup much anymore" and here I am yammering about it =P I'm sure there's more I could write about but I can't think of anything right now. My shows are on soon! Long Island Medium and Breaking Amish

[Mistykitty]

Monday has come and passed, and so begins my first full week of NC.

Sigh. I REALLY wish I knew what to do, but don't we all? NC really helps, but then the words about him wanting to rebuild a relationship through friendship keep going through my head. I don't want to be stepped on or used, but I also don't want him to forget about me.

 

Things ARE changing, though. Last night I was asked on a casual date by one of my good friends and I agreed. We're not really attracted to each other, but he suggested we do some casual stuff c: Just cuz I can, you know? I'm actually really excited I'm starting to get desires to do single things, like flirt up a storm and go dancing. This is soo weird, but I like it.

 

I still miss my ex, but he knows where to find me.

[Mistykitty]

Life is actually super good right now?? I got a scholarship that covers this coming semester's tuition, and am getting a raise at work. I've worked like nonstop since Thursday and was DREADING coming in today, but I ended up being thankful that I had to The holidays are CRAZY at grocery stores, but that also means everyone's working at the same time. Today we all worked down the same aisles and just laughed and chatted the whole time. One of my coworkers was SO excited to see I was working today, because apparently he was "having a terrible day, but I'm his favorite there so that made his day better." x) I can honestly say that I LOVE my job.

 

Its so awesome feeling. I'm getting more and more distant from my ex and its starting to not even bug me anymore. Would I still like to give things another chance? Yes, but I'm learning more and more every day that I CAN be happy without him.

 

Also, there's a guy in my math class who openly has a crush on me, and its reminding me of high school again, hah. How he makes up reasons to touch me and insists on walking with me to my next class and everything. (And yes, he knows I'm not ready for another relationship right now) Its just plain fun, and its nice to feel wanted again

[Mistykitty]

School today, nothing exciting. Though I actually stayed after class was over working, hyped up on caffeine. I felt like a REAL web developer right then xD

 

Ew, I'm pretty sure my ex has "a thing" with this girl. I'm going off of very little information, but I do know they often get drunk together. And I know they're "very similar". And she's a gamer, and probably everything he wants. Probably has bigger boobs, too -_- I can't help but think that he's rebounding hard and out there having sex with everyone, but...-sigh- I suppose that's what happens when you date an asexual. I'm just starting to get mad at this point.

 

And for anyone wondering about NC, it REALLY works. Not ALWAYS for getting them back, but for yourself. I feel SO good not talking to him. I can just live my new life without constantly checking my phone, or wondering why he hasn't texted back.

[Mistykitty]

Wow, I'm kinda mad at myself for putting myself in this position. If I would have just said we couldn't be friends, then I wouldn't have felt so...used.

Also I'm mad that he made his final decision and didn't even bother to tell me when he made it. He's speaking as if he's been decided for awhile. "We have nothing in common" is THE most BS excuse I have EVER heard. I'm willing to bet any sum of money that it's this new girl who's ~perfect~ for him. And sex. People are really good at finding ways to get around saying flat-out that they need to have sex.

 

Ah well. I'm used to it. That's why my previous relationship ended and I guess that's ultimately why this one ended. I just hope he knows that we can't be friends. I'm not gonna be strung along by some guy who won't even tell me the truth. By next year I'll be gone from this place, anyways and he probably will be, too.

 

Work will be fun, though =/ No sleep last night and I can't even eat anything. Its like getting dumped all over again, except I guess I expected this.

[Mistykitty]

So tired. Physically tired from no sleep last night, but most of all, emotionally tired. Tired of trying. Tired of loving. Tired of existing.

I wish I was in a position where I could completely start over. Heck, I wish I could just go on a trip.

But I can't.

I'm stuck here.

I'm stuck here thinking about things, even at work I'm stuck with things. I go to school and I'm stuck thinking about it because we go to the same school and I pass his house on my way home.

Dreading work tomorrow. Dreading thinking about him. Dreading everything.

[Mistykitty]

Work was great It was slow, but hey, less work for me =P

But really though, everyone was so cheery. Someone who's apparently a frequent shopper there bought all the workers lunch! Fried chicken, potato salad, pasta, rolls and butter...oh my gosh it was so sweet I could cry

 

I am SO thankful I don't have to sit around on my Thanksgiving picturing what he's up to. I'm home now, but its homework time for the rest of the day

[Mistykitty]

Ohh, my ex is off that pedestal alright.

Had a dream last night about him and his new love toy, it was terrible. Basically we had class together, and they kept rubbing in my face that they were dating. Ugh. But I woke up angry at him, so that's good!

See, that's why I wish people would stop scolding me for creeping on him. It makes me angry at him and that's a good thing. I'm on the path to hating him, and obviously if I hate him, I won't want to get back together. Heck, it worked for my previous ex, too...if I wouldn't have creeped, I wouldn't have found out he had a new girlfriend, and I might be considering getting back together with him to this day.

 

Anyways, work today. Not super excited, but I guess its a distraction

[Mistykitty]

Woke up today feeling empty. I had a dream about us getting back together.

Not really much else to say.

[Mistykitty]

Ahh nevermind, I will have a good day

Listening to Happy Hardcore really helps me. I woke up so pissed that I decided to do angry things and listen to angry music, but that only lasted a couple minutes. Instead, I'm listening to Happy Hardcore mixes and they have me feeling GREAT c: I mean, that's the point, but still. Its amazing what music can do. Its like all the **** I've been thinking about is forgotten.

[Mistykitty]

Another sucky morning.

I had a good dream that wasn't about him, so I don't really understand it. Pretty much as soon as I woke up, thoughts of him flooded my mind. Its the little things I'm remembering now, and I think those are the things that hurt the most. his eyes, his smell, the way he held my hand...I keep replaying the last day we spent together. We were watching TV and I was trying not to be so clingy so we were cuddling or anything, but he ended up pulling me towards him.

 

Why can't I have that back? Why doesn't he want to fix things, or start over? I try to tell myself that this is hard for him, too, but I can't quite believe that. Surely if he missed me, he would be talking to me right now? He'd want things back? Its been a full week of NC and I don't think its helped much so far. Sure, I think about him less, but I still miss him.

 

I can't stop thinking about that other girl, either. Half of me says I'm just reading too much into things, but the other half says he dumped me for her. Even though he "would never be in an online relationship." I read here last night that very rarely do people break up just because of fighting, etc.--instead, there's usually another person involved. Is that what's keeping him away from me? Does he not want to get back together solely because that means he couldn't have a relationship with her? If that's the case, I can't help but feel he'll come back in a couple months' time, once the novelty of the new relationship wears off.

 

I wish I could ask him, and get HONEST answers. When I asked before if there was another person, he said no (of course). I also wonder how different my healing process would be if I didn't even know about her. Honestly, I'd still probably be begging him.

 

I just wish he missed me. And I surely don't want anyone else to have him.

[Mistykitty]

I wish these dreams would stop =/

[Mistykitty]

Hm. I was excited about being able to come home early from work, and now I wish I would have stayed.

Got screamed at literally as soon as I came home, for something as trivial as not making my bed. Do you know how much it hurts to be called a ***** by your own mother? For your life to be considered worthless by the very people who gave birth to you? And to have a dad who does nothing but say how much he hates having you here, and who has threatened to get a divorce JUST so he doesn't have to be around you?

 

I miss being able to go over his house to escape all this. I literally have no place else to go. All of my friends are away at college. I have a crapton of homework to do and I can't even concentrate on it.

 

And people wonder why I'm so "messed up"

[Mistykitty]

I'm not sure about today. I woke up feeling fine, but I'm starting to get sad.

I'm not really sure why. I guess I still don't understand. The way he treated me yesterday...its like we weren't even broken up. Hasn't it went through his head that if he can still be that open with me, then we could still be in a relationship? He's said I "scarred" him, but if that were true, why would he feel so comfortable talking to me?

 

Ah well. He has his new girl toy or whatever. He asked m again to play games with him, but he has her to do that with. Hm.

[Mistykitty]

WOW today was really, really good I don't think I thought about my ex once. Sure, that's because I was so busy...but it was a really great day

Class as normal, got to see my "high school crush" as I'm gonna start calling him, haha. He's soo stupid and flirty, its adorable x) Then I got invited to go to a dance our school was having by a friend, and ended up hanging out with a group of AWESOME people, just sitting around dancing, playing games, and generally being weird.

 

Then I ended up on an impromptu date, haha. He's one of my good friends, so nothing's going to come of it, but it was nice having doors opened and everything. I am literally EXHAUSTED; came home and curled up right in bed. I haven't been in bed this early in God knows how long =P

 

I dunno. I just was so happy today To anyone reading: there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to find it hard to believe that just a month ago, I was sitting around crying. I CAN be happy without my ex. I CAN be happy while I'm not in a relationship. I'm young, so why should I waste time moping over something that's finished?

[Mistykitty]

Blah. Woke up early this morning, went back to sleep, then found it EXTREMELY difficult to get out of bed. I'm soo tired and have a headache, and just feel crappy. Considered calling into work but didn't because 1) I always feel bad for doing that (even though I've only done it once before), and 2) I'm not sure if this is a legitimate sickness, or just because of my period. The latter would make me feel even WORSE; kinda like, why should I get special treatment for being a woman? Ugh.

 

I took a short nap, and all I could think about was the camping trip I went on with my ex and how he got sick during it. He said it was "real love" for anyone to stay even after they've seen the person puking their guts out. Sigh

[Mistykitty]

Well, today is The Last Day I'll ever see him, so I'm anxious to see how this goes. We're taking our exam, so we probably won't even get to talk...eh.

I mean, being in the same major and all, we'll probably have classes together next semester. But if NC keeps up, it'll probably be like we don't even know each other any more...It hurts saying that. Its really weird. This is a guy who I had a crush on all of high school, and in my second year of college, he just disappears. I suppose the good thing is, at least we dated, and KNOW it wouldn't work out, as opposed to always wondering "what could have been". That's what I'm telling myself, anyways.

 

Sex. Its always about sex. Actually, I guess its not always about sex, I just think it is, but I really can't help it. After one boyfriend completely lying to me for about 2 years about never wanting sex and ultimately dumping me because of that, I find it hard to trust people. I just can't help but feel that was a deciding factor in my current ex's decision, too. He did always say that he "wished he could pleasure me"...but then, I offered sexual things and he refused. I think its because I wasn't attractive enough; he did say something like that at one point. But that's off-topic. Anyways. I'm not stupid--I understand sex is a basic desire/need in life. I've had more than enough people tell me that I shouldn't be dating, that I'm "a tease", etc. etc. I'm not trying to take sex away from anyone, honestly. And I DO feel like complete **** when I get into a long-term relationship because of it. But its not like I hide it. I'm very open about my sexuality (probably too much ), so guys who date me KNOW what they're getting into.

 

But it still hurts, to love someone for so long, and then learn that sex was ultimately more important than you.

[Mistykitty]

Hm. Read someone's comment here about how all relationships HAVE to have sex, and its put me in a bad mood (I should know better than to go on the Sex board here, hah)

The person who I usually rant about this to is busy, so I'm stuck. Gonna be a crappy night now, I guess

[Mistykitty]

Ugh, I NEED to stop creeping on him. I'm doing it way less now, but I just saw a drawing he did of some girl. Its most likely just some random girl, but I can't help but think its his new love interest, of course.

Well, THAT'S gonna haunt me. At least the semester's almost over, and then I can drown myself in Netflix and video games

[Mistykitty]

Hmm. Starting to get really sad again. I did a bad thing and looked at his tumblr...pictures of female celebrities, and a picture of himself that I'm SURE his new love interest will be reblogging soon.

I NEED to stop doing that. But honestly, I know I do it because I hope he'll be posting about how sad he is, like he used to. Why hasn't he contacted me? Is it seriously that easy to forget about me?

 

I have that date tomorrow, but I'm starting to dread it. I'm thinking maybe its too soon...

[Mistykitty]

Omg I'm soo giggly right now x) Leaving for my date soon, and having one of the best conversations with my friend. Woww I really do feel like I'm in high school again, ehehe.

[Mistykitty]

Feeling kinda bad right now (seems like that's the only time I write in this thing, haha). I really like that guy I went on a date with yesterday...like, really like--thinking about him all the time, the physical attraction is there, he makes me so happy, etc. etc. But he keeps saying we're "dating" now, which is weird because we've only been on ONE date, but he's talking like we're doing it exclusively? Anyways, besides the point. I figured if he can be forward with that, then I can be forward too, and we had "the talk". About how I'm worried about us progressing because we're definetly not sexually compatible. He seems really upset, I feel bad...

 

Of course its the same old "well I won't pressure you, I like you enough to not have sex", but who REALLY feels that way? Nobody so far. Sex is a normal part of most relationships, and I'm not about to take that away from anyone. Even if it means that I don't get happiness..

[Mistykitty]

SO sad right now, my goodness. And it doesn't even have anything to do with Christmas. Just the danger of alone time, I guess.

I still miss him. And I think I can safely say that I miss him, not just "the concept of a relationship". Because if it was a relationship I wanted, I could get one. I'm casually dating right now and know for sure that two guys like me. And you know what? As soon as I started getting really close to one of them, it was like I shut down. I didn't even want to talk to him for a couple days. And on top of that, I feel bad, because he REALLY wants a relationship with me and I'm just not ready.

 

I just. Miss him, you know? The way we would talk and have tickle fights and me surprising him after work, and all those little couple things. I thought the good thoughts were supposed to start being replaced with the bad ones after you get dumped, but that doesn't seem to be happening. He dumped me in September and I still get to feel like this. I do admit that it has gotten a LOT better, though. I guess its just one of those periods where I need to just cry. And the stupidest things affect me...today my parents were talking about how my family is going out to Red Lobster for New Years, and I'm glad I have a party to go to because...I got dumped right when I got home from Red Lobster. I have a sinking feeling about that place now, even though I LOVE the food. Its funny how we remember every single detail from little events, isn't it?

 

I kinda just want to curl up and die. I know that's a selfish, terrible thing to say after spending Christmas with family and getting wonderful presents, but I can't help it. I wonder if he's having fun right now. Probably drunk, because he's with all his ~drinking friends~ that he always told me he didn't like because they drank so much. And no text from him, of course.

 

Why does this have to hurt so much again. why do people everywhere have to kick me when I'm down, too =/ At least I haven't cut, though. I suppose I'll go watch tv now and just wait for the fresh slate of tomorrow.

[Mistykitty]

I've been doing GREAT generally, definitely healing. I wrote something on New Year's Eve about how people who get dumped in this time frame are luckier, because you have a whole new year to look forward to. Sure, you have to deal with getting through the holidays alone, but after that...you can have a fully fresh start on literally EVERYTHING. Not that you can't any time else, but sometimes its a little more motivating to start completely fresh at the start of a new year, am I right?

 

So anyways. That's been my thought and motivation to keep up with NC since then. Actually, NC isn't really hard for me anymore...and its not even because I have things to distract me. I've been working a lot but that's finally slowed down, so today I just pretty much sat around. And I didn't even want to text him once.

 

However, a friend wanted a picture from awhile ago and in searching for it, I found a bunch of pictures of me and my ex. It was two summers ago, before we had even started "officially" dating...we went to a park and he put the timer on his webcam and we took tons of crazy pictures. We're both smiling so wide in all of them, and in most of them he's looking at me...we were so darn happy. How could he have let that go? I was looking forward to meeting new people, but this almost makes me feel as if I'll never find someone who I have /that/ kind of connection with again.

 

But I know its just a low night. sometimes its okay to just cry.

[Mistykitty]

Supposed to be seeing that guy today, but I really don't want to. Not because of HIM, but because I've just been depressed.

This happens a lot. Plenty of people claim to be introverted, but I'm not sure how many people actually know what it means. Its generally really hard for me to want to go to social events, even if its just me and a close friend hanging out. Not because I hate the person or don't think I'll have fun or anything, but because its just hard to get myself to do it. Its not an issue of depression, either, because when I do go I always end up having a really good time. I just prefer to be alone.

 

And that doesn't mean I'm lonely or miserable. In fact, the opposite. The happiness I feel when just sitting in my room creating all day is indescribable. That is truly me in my element.