Wife of 12 years had 6 month distance affair on Facebook meeting the guy once.

[SURPRISE]

Policing was in the beginning as a way to cope with everything. I made it clear she has to keep it where I can check it if I want to, but I don't feel the need because she has been open with everything. She knows I will leave if she does anything remotely like this again. She also tries hard to show me she will be forever sorry for her actions that have hurt me deeply. Only time will tell now.

[PaintWithLight]

I truly wish you the best of luck. If I was in your shoes, I do not know if I could move forward with the confidence that you are showing. I hope all stays good for you and your family.

[SURPRISE]

Thank you PaintWithLight, it really has a lot to do with her ability to communicate with me and express herself in a way that comforts me. From what I have read, many men are not so fortunate and their spouses continue to be selfish. There is no way we would be moving forward if she were selfish at all. She has been selfless and both myself and my children have benefited from it. Take care and may God bless your journey.

[RyanJ]

Substance abuse is a tricky one, sort of like infidelity. The most difficult part is trying to figure out if you're rationalizing and giving yourself false hope, or if there is a realistic chance of moving forward. Sometimes things work out, sometimes the substance abuse continues on and off indefinitely.

 

There will almost always be slips. Look up the stages of change by Dr. John Norcross or some behaviour stuff by Dr. James Prochaska (two pioneers of the field) for a method describing change-maintenance that's backed by 30+ years of research. It will provide you with ideas, strategies, and statistics about change at this phase (maintenance) and ways to move forward.

 

The best advice I can give you is this: trust your gut. The primal part of you that tells you what's up. Other people will give you anecdotal "evidence" of why addicts can/can't change, some will tell you to do X or Y, but the bottom line is you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you're being completely honest about the way you feel.

 

If you think she will change and you're able to accept the possibility that she won't, work on it and throw your all into it. If you want to think she will change but in your heart of hearts don't really believe it, move on. It can take a lot of time to figure out which you really believe, and (this sounds lame, I know..) I recommend getting a notebook of some kind and keeping a log of what you believe, why, and how you feel about your future odds. This helps form a more rational basis for identifying beliefs and where they come from.

 

Cheers brother... best of luck to you.

[the dude91]

While my significant other and I haven't been married nor are we as old as you guys are I think my situation was similar to a degree I kind of understand where you're coming from. My now fiance and I were together for almost 4 years and we started talking about marriage. Then one of my younger brothers passed away who was also the person I was the most close to above everybody else. We were step brothers but connections can be stronger than blood. Anyways I was pretty down for awhile and wasn't giving my partner as much attention as I used to so she started hanging out with other people. Soon she started getting close to this guy she went to high school with. The guy, her and their friends would all go out to movies and have parties where alcohol was involved. This was the time she first started drinking. I tried to be understanding of their friendship up until the point where she admitted to me that they admitted to each other that they started having strong feelings for each other. Some arguments later she leaves me claiming she just wants to see how things would go on her own and a week later she was with him. Needless to say losing my brother on top of losing her almost killed me but I somehow kept it together. After awhile of NC she contacted me through my father and she tried to confide to me her troubles, but I wasn't really having it and I told her that that would be her new boyfriends job. Fast forward a few months now I find out through her mother that my fiance was being abused both verbally and physically. Without really thinking I switched into my over-protective mode, things happened and she came back to me. At first she still wanted to be friends with that guy but I made it well known I would not tolerate it at all whatsoever and I still did not trust her yet. Eventually she totally cut the other guy out and and we've been working on us ever since. Almost a year later now and things are pretty amazing and she understands also that I will not tolerate anything remotely the same happening again and I will be gone for good no matter what. Our main problem was communication, both on my side and hers and we've made leaps and bounds since then. She understands what she did was unforgivable and has been doing everything she can to prove it would never happen again. So like in your case, so far so good, I haven't officially proposed to her yet until I get some things squared away first but it's coming.

 

So things can work out most definitely, my case isn't quite like yours but it's still similar at the same time. She never really drinks anymore, all it really takes is a Mikes hard to get her tipsy, unless it's with me or her mother. I haven't been really checking on her messages or anything, I trust that she'll continue to be upfront with me about things because she didn't have to tell me that she and that guy were having feelings for each other. Plus she's been doing everything she possibly can to make me happy.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[SURPRISE]

Hi the dude91. Sorry, I don't get on much since things are going great other then my issues that I am trying to sort out in my head. She drinks now with me socially and or cooking at times but she has been doing great and that makes it easier for me to try to move forward. My past tells me if a woman hesitates prior to marriage find another. Generally there is some other issue at hand that she looks for something because she is not 100% in to you. A lot depends on her age though too. Anything earlier then 25 and you could be in for a rude awakening since women go through a bunch of changes right about that time. I say don't take no guff and kick her out if she is not good to you. Other then that, just make sure you have it all right before kids. Anyway, a lot of my rant is my experience with my ex-wife which was a zoo with plenty of don't feed the animal signs! I wish you the best and hope that you make the right choices with a clear head (not all with your heart)!

[SURPRISE]

UPDATE - So all of this happened 10/2012 and were about a year and a half past everything. I still get sad sometimes. I never really realized how much our world is filled with reminders of infidelity and heartache. Seems like every TV show or Movie has something in it. I can say that we are doing really well at this point. She has not stopped being supported and sorry for what she has done even though over a year has passed. The sadness and rough days are a lot more infrequent now but they do happen on occasion. I am glad I made the decision to try to move past this. Our home is happy and we remain as close as ever. She remains an open book and has no problem with me having access to her email, texts, FB account and location should I feel concerned and need a little reassurance. Being able to track her phone when I can't get ahold of her has been a blessing although I rarely feel the need to anymore. In my situation, her openness, coming clean on everything even things I would have never known and being extremely remorseful are the only things that make it work. Each situation is different but the person has to have made a mistake and clearly acknowledged that. Furthermore they must be OK with the consequences of that mistake without conflict (not fighting over privacy). I think that is the only formula for success in this type of situation. To all who have followed my story and offered advice or different views, I say thank you. I have felt this was a safe place to vent and grow although you have to discern the messages from people who are only replying out of bitterness towards their own situation. God bless you and I wish you all well.

[mmnyc5052]

Hi Surprise (haha it's funny typing that)- Just saw this thread for the first time. So sorry you were hurt like this. That's terrible and I can't imagine the heartache, especially with children in the picture.

 

Kudos to you for working so hard because clearly you love this woman a lot. Many would not have stayed. Perhaps she had her 'mid life crisis' a bit early and just totally lacked judgement and went off the handle.

 

I'm sure its draining to be checking up on her like she's your 13 year old daughter, so I hope at some point soon you feel enough security and she has worked hard to prove her fidelity and honor to you so that you don't have to keep doing this. it must be subtracting years from your life because that is not an extremely healthy way to live. Perhaps couples counseling could help, too. I hope you both put this all to bed soon. Though I can imagine a small part of you will always wonder.

 

She has to keep working hard. Bless you!!! Best of luck.

[SURPRISE]

Thank you for your kind words. The need to checkup and watch has subsided for the most part but once in a while I just have one of those days that sets me back. It's all part of the healing process, 3 steps forward 1 step back but lucky for me the steps get farther apart You are right, I don't need another kid, I need a partner. Since all this, she has really stepped it up. She's a stay at home mom and she was getting pretty lazy. She is now on top of taking care of our home and managing the kids much better. I believe it was a midlife crisis thing and she was using alcohol as a crutch so between the two it was a bad road. Now, it's like she woke up or something. She cries sometimes every so often about how close she came to losing everything that matters to her without me bringing it up, I think she just realized how good she has it and how loved she is. Anyway, thanks again for your reply. Take care and bless you too!

[lerenard]

The part that she cheated is not as shocking as

-the fact that she was driving her kids while drunk

-you feel like you can dump her anytime and have a sexy 28 old in your bed in a second

 

Well, why not do it now, right now, without hesitating?

You don't trust your wife. She is broken and depressed now, because she feels like her whole life is under control and she needs to impress you every minute, just so you wont divorce her and take her kids. I think anytime she does something wrong you will play "you cheated on me!" card and use it over and over again.

 

You either divorce now or you both go to counselling and solve everything that is suppressed now.

[SURPRISE]

This is what I mean by discern what people offer in advice in my prior post. Reading through the posts on my thread there are stated feelings, observations and questions answered that would counter several of these statements but they have either not been read or not taken in to consideration. Both of those are necessary in offering helpful advice to anyone struggling through a tough situation. So, if one is to offer advice to anyone on this site, it should not be about their feelings but rather about the facts and what is the right thing to do based on ones experience and knowledge. Most people here are struggling because their emotions / feelings are clouding their judgment. They are seeking advice from those who have a clear head and are not projecting their own life difficulties upon them. My last posts were updates on how well we are doing a year and a half later and the choices we have made to get to where we are for others to think about that might be in a similar situation and this negative post does not reflect that.

 

1. the fact that she was driving her kids while drunk:

I know she had at least one drink and drove the kids, but I don't know if she was legally intoxicated. Either way not OK and she has acknowledged that and has been through rehab as well.

 

2. you feel like you can dump her anytime and have a sexy 28 old in your bed in a second:

If for whatever reason if she decided she did not want me, there are many women that would and she knows this.

You might take offense to that but it's just the plain truth. I am a faithful husband and that will always be.

 

3. Well, why not do it now, right now, without hesitating?:

When you love someone, you are willing to try whatever it takes to heal your relationship unless they are not willing and then where things go is up to you. She has chosen the right paths and so I continue to work at it.

 

4. You don't trust your wife:

I have been re learning to trust my wife. I have some trust for her but the rest has to be earned and time will tell.

Again if you read my prior posts you would know that I rarely check up on her anymore and I have given her space to be herself.

 

5. She is broken and depressed now, because she feels like her whole life is under control and she needs to impress you every minute, just so you wont divorce her and take her kids:

She is not broken and depressed, she has occasions of great remorse which I think anyone worth a damn on this earth would.

She also recognized she was not being a good wife and mother and has made changes to make things much better.

 

6. I think anytime she does something wrong you will play "you cheated on me!" card and use it over and over again:

You are just guessing on the interaction aspects since you don't know me and this is likely another projection. I don't play games and never have.

I am very straight forward and would not use something like that to get my way. It's not productive to our marriage.

 

7. You either divorce now or you both go to counselling and solve everything that is suppressed now

How to go about healing a relationship is not in black and white despite those who try to portray it that way. Some things work for some and not for others.

We did a little counseling in the beginning and agreed that if either of us is are not able to work out our issues together we would seek further counseling.

So far we are doing well. Likely the reason is because we talk every day, are not afraid to share our feelings and pray.

[lerenard]

I am glad you fixed it, I just don't think that this -- if for whatever reasons she decides she did not want me, there are many women that would and she knows this -- should be the main reason for you to stick together.

 

Are you in counselling? Both of you together and separately? Talking with each other and sharing feelings is great, but after an event like you had with your wife I think it can`t be enough to really fix things, cover them with hope - maybe, give her occasions of great remorse - ok, but full on recovery of love trust and attraction... takes more than that. A lot more.

 

I wish you all the best, don't feel offended please, my advice wasn't clouded by feelings, I never was cheated on, but I experienced some other pain in my life and just want you to be honest with yourself. To me - I don't get the feeling of deep love from your posts, that is worth saving, that's all. Sorry if I am wrong - clearly I don't know you or your wife.

[SURPRISE]

Thank you lerenard for your response. You must have missed the posts about us being best friends and inseparable. We have tremendous love for each other and an amazing love life which makes this all that much harder to understand. She states that at no point had she any less love or attraction for me but that she was having trouble about how she felt about herself and the alcohol was making everything out of control. I am the type husband who strives to make his spouse feel good about herself with compliments about how her looks, dress etc and telling her thank you for everything she does, but that was not enough as she seemed more concerned with how others were seeing her (as in midlife crisis). Anyway, we are sticking together because we love each other, she has done the right things moving forward and what we are doing is working. The part that I would not have trouble finding someone else has nothing to do with working things out. It is something I mentioned because I was upset and I deserve better then what she had been doing to me. I suppose part of the point I was trying to make is that I am not that guy who let himself go after getting married, became stagnant and boring and she has lost interest as what happens in many cases, I am quite the opposite. Anyway, counseling is there if we need it. As I mentioned, this is both of our 2nd marriages and we have a pretty good handle on what we need to move forward with honesty being the priority so we do see a bright future together at this point. Take care and God bless you.

[SURPRISE]

Update: This all begin in 10/2012. It has been a rough road but continues to get better almost 3 years later. I guess I am posting this for others to know it is possible to move forward as long as both people are willing and honest moving forward. I have had some rough times because of the fact that each time my wife does anything that seems like she is not behind me, I reflect upon where I have been with her and it makes it hard. I have recently figured out that loyalty which includes honesty is the biggest struggle in my mind. Realistically it's nothing major and in 3 years there have been a hand full of issues but each thing still feels major to me because of the collective feeling from all that has transpired. As far as alcohol goes, we still have drinks on weekends and at parties and she does well for the most part managing things. On occasion she drinks when she has agreed not to without letting me know and might lie about it which I am trying to figure out how to deal with. She has agreed to let me test her with a breathalyzer any time which helps to keep her honest but I hate playing drinking cop. That is the biggest problem we face right now. We have had a dry house and she was able to manage that for some time so we have been a little more lax now. It is hard to not have any drinks because all of our family and friends drink socially. Hopefully we can maintain a healthy middle ground. I have no idea what the future holds. I know for now, we have a very happy home and my boys are happy and healthy. She regular treats me very well and over time I will probably heal better, just wish there were no little new issues to remind me of the past. Stupid stuff where I feel she does not have my back so to speak. I just hope that after the kids are adults in about 9 years that she and I still have what it takes to keep our marriage moving in the right direction without any more major problems. If you are reading this you are probably struggling your self so I ask God to bless all who read this that they may find what they are looking for to heal and move forward no matter what the path or outcome is. Take care.

[Patrick974]

I only read first and last page of this old story and will congratulate you for having lived through all that and still moved on.

[SURPRISE]

Thank you Patrick. It has been a challenge but so far has been worth the struggle and gets better over time. The only way I could ever see this situation working out for anyone is if the spouse that is unfaithful is 100% remorseful and an open book moving forward with full disclosure and no secrecy on anything (email, whereabouts etc). If the relationship is important to them, they will not have a problem with these requirements.

[bethandthebear]

She will cheat, you can't watch her or help her on that. You either accept the hurt will go on or move on.

[SURPRISE]

There is always that possibility, but the excessive alcohol and Vegas with girlfriends did play a big part in that. It has been 3 years now and she has been remorseful ever since because she came close to losing her family. Sure I was skeptical at first, but if it were just an act, it would have stopped by now. I make sure she is not in situations involving alcohol and being away from me because that part of trust does not seem like it will ever come back. I know anyone can make a mistake one time and I try to think about how it would be had I messed up. I guess that and the fact that she brings a lot of happiness to my life keeps is what keeps me going.

[Lester]

While it's true we struggle(d) and no one marriage is alike, there are a lot of similarities.

 

I saved my marriage with the help of two books.

Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" and James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

 

Never let her see these books and forget what you think you know about TL.

 

Helpful hints:

- Stop all policing of your wife. She's a big girl and it will only help to drive her further away.

- Her past will dictate her life until she chooses to change it.

[SURPRISE]

Thanks Lester. Things are pretty good for the most part. She still has issues with drinking when I am not home at times and will lie about it so we have a deal that I can give her a breathalyzer test any time I want to keep her honest. I hate for it to have to be that way. I don't mind if she has a glass of wine in the evenings, drinking on the weekend or parties but during the day in the middle of the week it's just not OK. I don't do much policing other than that. If I can't find her or she does not respond to text, I might track her phone just for piece of mind but she has no problem with that. That is great about the books, I will take a look at them. Years ago I read Light Her Fire and it was good info even for just dating. After my first marriage I pretty much frequented the books stores a lot and I am not a reader. Lots of helpful stuff out there when you are struggling even if just to take your mind off the actual events that made you read in the first place!

[Hazyillusions]

Wow...What a way to live.

 

I wouldn't stand it. The lying she does is part of who she is. I'm sure feeling like you have to police her feels pretty crap.

 

I'd seriously choose the healthier better option, but to each their own.

[SURPRISE]

You know Hazy, in my life, the good has to by far out weigh the bad. In this case it does. During 6 months, I might have 3 issues that last an evening or two. The rest of the time my life with her is amazing. We are inseparable. I go home for lunch every day and even though it's only been 4 hours since I have seen her, we are both happy to see each other. She takes good care of me and I do her as well. So there is a lot in it for me. As long as she does not cheat in anyway or drink and drive, I can work with the smaller issues. I don't like to police her but honestly that has tapered off so much since the first problems came up it mostly happens if I am feeling insecure about the past just as a way of being at peace and she never knows. Anyway, it's only because of her dedication to all of this that I would even hang around. Some of the stories I have read really suck. The partner pretends to be changing things around but then 6 months or a year later are doing the wrong things again. I hope I don't ever look back at this and think I missed something, but so far my future looks good. I can only pray and hold on. Thank you for replying and God Bless you.

[lostandhurt]

Surprise,

Your story is refreshingly honest and open. What you did and are doing is not an easy thing so I commend you for it. I was cheated on after 20 years together so I have an idea what you have been through. She had changed into such a selfish person there was no chance of repairing the damage caused by her betrayal.

 

Rebuilding the trust always seems to be the hardest part and takes many years to get there. You both sound like you are willing to put the work in instead of just trying to forget it happened and pretend everything is okay.

 

Both my parents were alcoholics so please heed this warning: She is an alcoholic. Just because she doesn't have a physical craving doesn't exclude her from being an alcoholic. If anything is going to derail the progress you both have made it will be the drinking. By now you know she has to stop drinking because it is not a healthy thing for her. Hiding drinking, drinking in the middle of the day, drinking to cope or deal with life are all warning signs.

 

Social drinking is a slippery slope as you have found out. Once started it is easy to think you can manage it. It is a common mistake and I hope you both find a way to come to terms with her alcoholism.

 

You have done what many have attempted (me included) but failed. There are great lessons to be learned here and the most important is that every marriage is not the same and every solution to problems in a marriage will not be the same. You did what you thought was best at the time and it has worked so far so I say keep it up and enjoy the good times.

 

I wish all 4 of you the very best of luck

 

Lost

[SURPRISE]

Thank you Lost. I have gotten so much better at spotting the drinking which helps allot and she has agreed to a breathalyzer at any time which helps me confirm any suspicion and for now that is working. Life is still not perfect, as I still struggle worrying about her doing something wrong if she has too much to drink at a party or something since she blamed the cheating on being intoxicated although she says that would never happen again it's just hard to take her word for it. You are so right though, she often thinks she can manage it but it gets away from her. We have learned from that happening a couple of times and that is why we agreed on setting some ground rules and trying to stick to them. She asks when she wants something to drink so that I know she is having a glass of wine or something. I have never told her no, it's basically just to let me know so it's never done in secret. Anyway, I feel blessed that we are making things work. Sometimes I have emotional relapses with the past and she is pretty good at being there for me which helps me continue to get better. I am sorry to hear that it did not work for you. I hear that is more common then not and I was pretty sure my marriage was going to end too. It's my taking it day by day and her willingness to drop to humble herself and beg for forgiveness that has made all of this possible. I don't know what I would have done without that. God bless you and your journey.

[youareworthy]

Lalalollipops, you sound like you have been really raked over the coals by someone! I'm so sorry.