Wife of 12 years had 6 month distance affair on Facebook meeting the guy once.

[lavenderdove]

i think because you have a long marriage and young children, you should go to marriage counseling to see that you make the right decision.

 

It really sounds like she has PERSONAL issues that need professional therapy to treat. I do know that when people are drinking vs. not drinking they can indeed be two different people, and people when drunk do do things they would never do when sober. And a week in Vegas is the WORST place for an alcoholic to go, so it was very unwise a choice to go there. But she must have been sober some of the time when communicating with these people afterwards, so there is some void in her life that she is trying to fill with attention from other men. So that alone speaks to needing therapy because she sounds self destructive in many ways and needs treatment.

 

No one can guess whether she'd do it again or not. Some people have a period of affairs, then 'sober up' so to speak and don't do it again. And others will do it whenever they have the chance.

 

I would get professional evaluation of the situation by both a marriage counselor and addiction specialists before you make a decision. People can and do change their lives for the positive, but they can also spiral downwards. So i think you need to attend marriage counseling and don't make a decision when angry or when your ego smarts from this blow, but when clearheaded and you've evaluated the situation over time to decide whether it is fixable or not. You can't evaluate that in an instant.

[SURPRISE]

You hit the nail on the head. That is exactly where I am at. Thank you for taking the time to write something constructive!

[lalalollipops]

So end of the day, you've decided to stay with a cheater? Good luck I guess. Just don't think she'll change; she won't. She has no respect for you, but hey, as long as you're willing to put up with an unfaithful dishonest wife, then that's sth you have to deal with right?

[SURPRISE]

I guess I look at it as she has not done anything wrong in 12 years but love and adore me and our children. She struggles with alcohol and now this. There is no option for her to do anything again or I won't be willing to do anything at all but divorce. I have to work through it and then decide. Worst case scenario I get help before it ends, best case scenario, we work it out and get better.

[lalalollipops]

See but you don't know that, the fact she did all this suggests she's most likely never been particularly loyal. And I can bet a thousand bucks she slept with the guy. Either way she was deceitful for so long and got physical too with some random, sigh... Good luck.

[deepsea]

I guess I look at it as she has not done anything wrong in 12 years but love and adore me and our children. She struggles with alcohol and now this. There is no option for her to do anything again or I won't be willing to do anything at all but divorce. I have to work through it and then decide. Worst case scenario I get help before it ends, best case scenario, we work it out and get better.

 

She had a 6 month affair, or possibly longer. God knows. She got sexual with a guy; she gave him oral, for god's sake. That doesn't bother you, at all? Where was your strong chemistry and good sex, here? And, how about the trust on which your 12 year marriage was founded?

 

So, you're just going to downplay the issue, because of a history of alcohol abuse. Cheating is a very conscious and deliberate act. It boils down to moral values / respect, or lack thereof. What is utterly disturbing and downright disrespectful with cheaters (alcoholic or not), is that they only 'come clean' and perceive there is a problem, when they get caught.

 

But hey, I admire your strength and willingness for still wanting to salvage your marriage. For your sake, hopefully, therapy can perform a miracle.

[nbr]

As someone who's been the cheater, and the one cheated on (albeit in both cases no sex) I completely understand hoping that this will work. I'm beginning to accept that in my case it very well may not, but I hope for you it does. Just remember that this is a long shot and protect yourself emotionally for the eventuality that it may not work.

-nbr

[Skeptic76]

It's obvious OP wants this to work. You can tell he loves her. My wife and I have both made all kinds of bad mistakes in our marriage, but we're still married and mostly happy too. Anybody that's telling you that leaving her will solve all of your problems is taking too simplistic a view on this....a friend of mine that went through a divorce and then never remarried told me a few months ago: "Loneliness is all it's cracked up to be."

 

My marriage was definitely changed by adultery (both parties) and to say it hurt is a powerful understatement. The only thing that hurt worse was "figuring it out" and the grind of insecurity and resentment (it all boils down to fear) as we struggled to get back together. On the other side of the coin, today I'm not worried about my wife's commitment and we share a deeper connection than ever.

 

Hope OP explores a few Alanon meetings where he can learn how to support his wife in a healthy way as she recovers from her drinking problem.

 

Good luck dude and don't let anyone put you down for giving somebody another chance and striving for forgiveness!

[SURPRISE]

Thanks NBR and Skeptic76. I don't know what the future holds, but from now on, I choose my own destination. No more putting up with anything that I feel is questionable, dis-respectful or inappropriate. It's my way or the highway (i'll still be fair but I now have specific requirements to be in this relationship that are not flexible).

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Hey man, I feel for you. I was married 13 years (awesome years) & found out my wife was having an affair too (Just a BJ, so she claims). I was irate, we argued, etc. She claimed she hadn't been happy in marriage for some time. Just like yours, mine was bored of being stayathome Mom & claimed I wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

 

Hit me like a ton of bricks! I was worth about a million dollars, we lived in a 7,000 sqft mansion & had two beautiful young girls. I begged her to try reconciliation, she wanted a divorce. We've been divorced 7 months. She got $700k in divorce & I am ruined financially (I even lost my job during this mess).

 

Sounds like we we're a lot alike. We loved our wives unconditionally. For better or for worse meant something to me. We have been divorced 7 months now. She doesn't work (she has plenty of $$) and she has had 3 BFs. The latest guy for 4 months now. She has our girls and is constantly dropping them off with her Mom, friends, etc. so she can go out. She's having a mid-life crisis!

 

I pined over here throughout the divorce and even after we were divorced. All that did was drive her away more. She treats me as if I've had a mental breakdown & I'm to be pitied. She's partially right. I'm getting better everyday but she is the one who lost it. Her new BF is out for one thing, imo & she NEEDS the attention. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder. She needs men to fuel her ego, which is HUGE. She's gorgeous and 40 (looks 30). I'm trying to focus on getting my life back together (just got a new job at 30% less $, man this US economy stinks).

 

My advice is for both of you to see a psychologist (maybe together). I know you'd like to think that it will be "your way or the highway" but your wife is sick (alcoholic & maybe mental issues). You will have continued (or worse problems) if you don't work on the root problem. As someone with probable NPD, my ex is doomed. I pray for her & I am working on getting my life back. My ex will need to hit rock bottom before she regrets what she did, if ever. Narcs justify their poor behavior on other people. They show no empathy for the damage they do & only care about getting fuel (attention) for their egos.

 

Like you, I'd love to get back what I lost. I had a storybook life. At 48 years old & with 2 small girls (8 & 11), I need to heal as fast as possible so I can be a strong parent. At this stage I cannot expect my ex to heal, because she does not even admit she has a problem.

 

Best of luck to you & God bless. I hope your situation improves.

[SURPRISE]

Wow StillWantHer, that's crazy. I am sorry to hear that you have been going through all that. You are very right about everything you mentioned. We have been going to couples counseling once a week and she has been going to rehab and AA constantly. I think a major factor is that she was likely suffering from depression and did not know what to do about it. She has been on Wellbutrin for a week or two and the difference is huge. I was fortunate that everything was long distance and that the guy was not very good looking. I came to realize that the online affair was a feeble attempt at trying to find something to make her happy when nothing else was working. She wasn't unhappy with me (she says and I believe) and I gave / give her constant attention. The Vegas stuff was definitely a mid life crisis and she was extremely drunk. Anyway, I believe she is on track to getting better although I caught her buying a bottle of wine a week and a half ago right after leaving rehab. Since then and on the meds, she has not had the desire to drink so far. I still watch everything. I do tell her that it's my way or the highway on some things, but part of that is because as much as I love her, I know there are many other women out there that would like a good man / provider / friend. I hope you know the same. I have been through a bad divorce when I was younger, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know this now and it has made me who I am today. The economy does suck, but you and I both know if you have been on top once before, you will do it again and be even stronger from the experience. So for now, things are really good between us since we are working on them. My biggest problem is the feeling in the pit of the stomach that comes up out of nowhere even when I'm not thinking about things. As long as she stays on track we will be good. But anything that is disrespectful or dishonest and I'm done with her. Life is too short to waste it on someone who does not deserve it. God bless you and thank you for taking the time to share your story.

[SolFeather]

It sounds like thigns are progressing with you and your wife. I know your situation was similar to mine. I would say it gives me hope...but my situation is definitely NOT progressing.

[SURPRISE]

Hi SolFeather, yes, so far so good. It really has to do with her though. She has shown that she is generally ashamed and regretful of her actions on a regular basis without me prompting. Without that, I would not have the desire to move forward with her. You have to remember, you are not at fault for her cheating, she made that choice. Now she has to own up to it and want to fix things. In my case, medications are helping my wife in addition to everything else, but only because she knew that something was wrong in the first place. I hope you have the strength and courage to give an ultimatum when you need to and not let her continue to hurt you. Here is a link I read recently that I found helpful too. link removed

[SolFeather]

Its funny...I looked up information on 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' that StillWanter mentioned...and it fits my wife to a tee....right down to the issues with shame and apologizing. My wife refuses to be ashamed of what she did...in fact, she claims that affairs are nothing to be ashamed of.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

SolFeather, I know what you mean. I barely knew what a narc was and I was married to one for 13 years. I wish I had found this forum before we were divorced. I'm certain I could have saved the relationship. Oh well, at least I know this stuff now. Best of luck!

[SolFeather]

StillWantHer, thanks for the wishes of luck...no need though as I am splitting with my wife. We are separated. I must ask though...how do you manage to deal with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder after separating? I could use any tips you might have...

[SURPRISE]

So for the guy that is trying to figure out what to do and how things end up with all of these stories on this website, here is an update as to where I am at. Although the past is hard to forget, I have chosen to forgive and try to move on. Since my wife stopped drinking, she is no longer the selfish person she had become. She completed rehab and has no alcohol issues at this time. It was never a physical alcohol craving for her, it was a mask of the stress she has trouble with handling. She does more for me now, the kids, around the house and to help out in general. She has gotten back in to fitness, lost a bunch of weight and feels better about herself. She seems to be mortified by her past choices and is constantly trying to make up for it in her own way. Our relationship has grown tremendously. That does not mean it is easy. I still break down some times with or without her and she tries to be there for whatever I need. It has gotten easier. The trust factor is not there yet for me. We have set new boundaries for hanging out with friends alone or together. No more Vegas girls weekends for sure. She is not the only one that got in trouble that weekend and she knows she has changed what her and her friends can do or where they can go for get togethers. I have not addressed guys trips yet, but I don't really feel like doing any of that right now anyway. Our guys trips were generally a trip to the river every April to work on my house after snowbirds left but there were still temptations there and we hit the bars at night. She is very aware that this is a one time thing for me to forgive. She knows there are no second chances and I think that helps her to gauge what is important in life. I would have no problem walking away if things ever even remotely happened again. I have a lot of self respect. Don't let people tell you that you don't if you decide to try to work things out. Just be sure that you don't allow or condone this type of behavior. No one is worth it. My concerns are of course that she does something again and also that she forgets down the road and I become unhappy in our relationship for any reason. I know that if I were not very happy in my marriage, I would leave, get myself to a healthy place and then move on to another marriage (yes I love being married). Anyway, that is all for now. God bless you and your journey and feel free to message me if you have any specific questions.

[Lester]

While I'm happy you're getting happy; I'm still rubbing my chin…

 

Did you have an emotional affair with that 28 year old?

 

You said, “She is not the only one that got in trouble that weekend…”

- What does that mean?

 

And “…there were still temptaions there.."

- What do you mean?

 

How old are your kids?

[SURPRISE]

Hi Lester,

 

Not really but sort of. I emailed with her a couple times over a couple days. We discussed that I was "Happily Married" and then that there was chemistry between her and I. On reflection, that was probably because I was being neglected for the most part. I had been telling my wife regularly that I was lonely. When I was upstairs she was downstairs and visa versa. If I came up to hang out with her, she went down to do the dishes or something. I did not know she was drinking then and that was why but I still felt lonely and like I never got to see her. We have always been close and spend every minute with each other that we can. That is why it was so hard to deal with. I have not spoken to her since.

 

My wife was with her girlfriends in Vegas that were all drinking to excess. Two other of her other married friends were doing inappropriate things with other men as well. Ironically 1 was the wife of one of the guys with me on the river trip he was also tempted and did not do anything wrong, she on the other hand did not pass.

 

During the last guys river trip last year we (me and my married friends) hit the water for the day and one of my friends started talking to an older couple and their two daughters on another boat. We ended up hanging out at the bars on the water for the afternoon and evening. The girls got on my boat with us and one of them was all over me. I think she was slightly younger but she was pretty and had a really nice body. Later in the evening she grabbed me and told me that wanted to be with me. We both had a lot to drink, but I still politely turned her down. In other words my marriage commitment was tested and I passed.

 

My boys are 6 and 9 years old.

[Lester]

While in the throws of my potentially failing marriage, I too became lonely. She was fifteen years younger than me and very pretty.

Like you, I’m happy I passed that test!

 

If you told me you’re kids were fifteen and seventeen I would have warned you of hidden “man”. (Regardless of what she says, your edicts and detective work.)

There young ages make me think she’s not just punching a clock till they reach pop cultures “adult” age of eighteen. (Very common green-grass advice.)

 

Sounds like preexisting issues.

What was she like before marriage? Were you both free to date? Did her parents drink a lot? What was there marriage like? Why did you/she divorce?

 

 

Not to be the bearer of bad news… but you have a very long road ahead of you lad.

There are many reasons why marriages fail. You must have a pretty good idea of what your unique reasons were before you can have any hope of saving it.

 

To make it to the other side will take time, understanding and prayer.

[SURPRISE]

Good to hear! I always thought I would be OK, I was just never put in the position where I knew I could get away to know for sure if I would be faithful.

 

Yes, I have thought of that wait till the kids are old enough thing. If we did not get along so good I would be leery of that too.

 

We dated for 2 months before I proposed and were married 4 months after that. We have been together 13 years now. She has always been pretty consistent, loving and my best friend every day. I met her through her cousin who is one of my best friends (so I had insight to who she was before I got myself in to anything). She had a boyfriend that was on the way out (he sat away from her during the race we met at and it was obvious there was not much there if anything). We talked a couple times but never got together until after they had split up.

 

Her father drank a lot. He had a DUI at one point. He still was a great man and supported his family well. He died a few years back in our front yard while playing with our son. Her parents had a good marriage for the most part. I know they were together for almost 50 years till he died. I also know at one point they had cheated on each other once.

 

I divorced because my ex had issues and it was her choice. She was a bad choice and I was 18 but I loved the sex so I got married. She was a terrible wife and a bad partner (I was doing most everything myself). There were signs up front that she was not right for me and later after 8 years together she wanted out. I think she married me because her mother pushed her that direction. I was as her mother put "The best guy she had ever gone out with."

 

My wife had divorced her previous husband because he was a drug addict. He did not have a job for 5 years and would disappear for a week at a time. She after trying for a very long time finally realized she might as well be alone.

 

I think we are getting back on track pretty good. I know there is always the possibility of something going wrong or her being dishonest about things. I suppose that is what everyone worries about when trying to work through this sort of stuff. It's not like we are not close though. We are best friends, always affectionate and closer then most healthy marriages. I really feel she is back on track but only time will tell. They say alcohol makes a person selfish, so that part is gone for now. So far so good, I can only pray that it stays that way!

[blackgnat]

You are fooling yourself if you thin her alcohol issues are gone. It's a constant struggle and rehab and even AA are not a magic wand that gets waved over everything and all of a sudden the problem is solved. Also, policing her won't work-it'll probably just make her come up with better ideas and ways of hiding her drinking, if she's determined to do it.

 

Quite frankly, you sound very arrogant and conceited. "She was a terrible wife and a bad mother" . "I was the best guy she had ever gone out with". There are many more statements lie this in your posts. Where is YOUR part in this? According to your posts, you did everything right and even though you emailed another woman and someone else was all over you, you passed the test.

 

And you would just move on to another marriage if this didn't work? Why do you love being married? Are you afraid to be alone?

[Lester]

Her symptoms are evidence of underlying unhappiness. Your current state is most likely nothing more than appeasement by her.

 

You must be the best husband you can be but you must also be prepared to set her free.

[SURPRISE]

Hey blackgnat, her alcohol issues are a bit different. She has never had a physical craving like a typical alcoholic, but a desire to mask emotional issues. I don't think it will entirely go away but at least we understand what is triggering it now and can work better with it. Haha, I may sound arrogant and conceited, but these are my inner thoughts in a place designed for constructive feedback. I don't go around saying these things I just know that God has bless me in who I am for some reason. Psychologists label me a right brain / left brain guy. Both artistic and analytical. I am very attentive and emotional but very strong as well and strong women like that. Believe it or not, many people will say that they did not have a part in the problems, but realistically I did not have much to do with them. I have worked tirelessly for 13 years to build her up (self confidence etc) and she still has issues from before I met her that just won't seem to get completely better. She has had issues such as anorexia before I was ever in the picture. As for being alone, I was with my 1st wife for 5 years dating and 3 years marriage. I was then on my own for 4 years. I love being alone and can do it no problem, but when two people are good by themselves, they bring a lot together to the table in a marriage and I really love it.

 

Hi Lester, Thank you, I am always aware of that possibility and have come to the conclusion that you can't make someone happy if they are not happy with themselves. If she choses to go, I can't do anything about it but move on, so I might as well just enjoy my life no matter where it takes me. I really don't think this is the case, but from reading many people have experience that so I am aware.

 

Best of luck to you both!

[PaintWithLight]

You have taken full control of her internet actions to safegaurd yourself and to prevent her from doing this again,

you can't live like that ..you will go mad ...she is an adult and with or without the internet, if she is going

to do it again ..she will ..regardless

 

^^^ I agree. This is not way to live. I think once trust is shattered than it cannot be reborn. You do not want to live the rest of your life in doubt....or being her policeman. What is done, is done.