I called her...

[Loveandlost]

After speaking to her brothers gf for a bit and trying to figure out what to do next (her whole family has been shocked by this and has been very supportive of me) she helped me come to the conclusion that I needed to attempt to reopen communication.

 

I called her.. and as expected she didn't answer and I left a voice mail.

 

The voice mail was the following:

 

Hey (ex), its me obviously (small laugh) wanted to you call and see how your doing. Figured its been about a month and half and we have had some time for individual healing The reason I called is I would like to transition out of this no contact phase and begin limited contact so that we can start the healing process between us. If thats something you would like as well please call or text me back. Look forward to talking to you soon.

 

I'm freaking out right now, the breakup was so ambiguous and every time we have talked its been friendly yet all about eventually reconnecting, and healing and separation.

 

I know NO CONTACT is pretty much the law, I hope I didn't do damage with my voicemail but I also would of regretted not doing anything at all.

 

could use some words of wisdom, some support, some advice for if she does or does not contact me back etc.. I'm so lost right now

[FrenchFries]

What, exactly, did the brother's gf say to you? Has your ex been saying things that led her to believe you should make contact? Nothing to do now, except wait and see. I do hope she returns your call.

[Loveandlost]

we talked about how confused she has been over the last two months about a lot of things going on in her life, how she's not rejecting communication when we have it, how she still loves me and has said that but doesn't know what she wants, and how since she has never said that she doesn't want me to contact her, I should give her space but also initiate contact so that when she's ready we can talk

[SoLost12]

I should give her space but also initiate contact so that when she's ready we can talk ??

 

Give her space but also initiate contact for her when she's ready...? That's sounds confusing, which is understandable since she's confused..

 

Makes more sense for her to initiate contact when SHE'S ready to talk, how would you ever be able to guess that? Moreover, it keeps you constantly wondering what stage she's at, and wanting to check in- that's not good for you.

 

Let me know if I misunderstood something?

[Loveandlost]

Thats about right.. Its confusing as hell, basically im extending NC everytime she keeps this ambiguity going, first was week and half, then was three weeks next will be a month and half. Im also not putting all my eggs in this basket. I love her, i still want a future with her... But it takes two and she has ground to make up. Im out meeting new people, gone on a few innocent dates to get back into being single again.

[abitbroken]

It is a confusing message. you sound like you are following a manual "We need to get out of this phase and start light contact to heal" When you need to NOT contact eachother to heal, especially if she is confused. the brother's girlfriend was interfering, btw. I would not contact her again and focus on your OWN healing, not working some sort of a system to get her back. If she broke up with you, she had a reason. Let her be. Its not even been 8 weeks.

 

btw, don't date yet. Its only been 8 weeks, just focus on you. You are not being fair to any woman you meet.

[SoLost12]

Hmmm- I think the best thing is the zero contact. As much as the idea of not at all having her in your life for a little while rips your heart into pieces, I think it will make all the difference in the long run. You clearly really love her, and when someone is that confused- you need to let them go. Being there to check up on her will not help her... she has a support system (so no guilt for letting her be) but she needs to realize for herself what she wants. If she can come out of this wanting you & your daughter as a full time part of her life, that's great. The on & off contact seems like it would be equally confusing & damaging for both of you right now, way too soon.

 

They innocent dating is good here and there, sure, but when you're fixing deadlines of NC breakage- you always have that date (and hope) in the back of your mind. Does she know that you're planning a 6 week break in between contacting her again? If so- this may add pressure on her to figure herself out faster, give you an answer faster, (because she does still love you, and it's def hurting her to hurt you too) this pressure/guilt is not good for Her either. There's no way to speed up a process or figure out a time constraint for unraveling the emotions that she is feeling inside... understanding what made her walk away after 5 years. I'm just afraid that if in this state of confusion, she feels like she needs to answer to you, she may start viewing you as a stressor? Damaging overall... and will take away from her working out her issues.

 

I dont know if this make sense, I may have gone off on a hypothetical tangent here.. trying to cover a diff angle..

 

Sorry if I overstepped..

[Loveandlost]

No you didnt overstep, i understand what you are saying. She doesnt know about my contact deadlines, thats something i set up for me so i know i tried everything i could but also gave myself time to heal and move on if she doesnt cone around.

 

I'm giving her a chance which honestly is more then she deserves. But you are right I cant be the only one trying. I need to be done initiating contact, the message i sent was kind loving and a genuine attempt at reconnecting. If she rejects that theres nothing more i can do

[Pleasedonot5]

Give it some time and figure out what you exactly want. Write down what your feelings are for her on paper and see if it changes in a week(or longer). Do you want her back as your girlfriend?

 

If yes,

 

I believe that you should text/call her and say that you've thought about this a lot, and you think the best course of action for the both of you is not to talk for an unknown amount of time unless she wants to reconcile. Say you're open to reconciliation/want to reconcile/want to make things work but you respect yourself too much to constantly be texting her and seeing where she's at in the healing process as it disrupts your healing.

 

If you are aware of problems with yourself that in part led to the break-up, feel free to discuss them in the message before bringing up the NC. Talk about how you recognized the problem, how you have fixed it/have been working on it, and will continue to work on yourself. Finish the message by wishing her well, and then leave it be and begin to focus on yourself. Basically, it should be a nice and friendly, but not mushy-gushy message. Do not abandon your dignity by begging or showing excess vunerability. You're a man.

 

That way you make your intentions clear, you abandon your pride and maintain your dignity, and you put the ball in her court while making it easier on yourself to move on. I believe it to be the best course of action -- I'm an advocate of fixing yourself, saying everything dignified that you want to say (being honest), and then going NC to heal and move on. Some people advocate cold turkey NC, and while that works in some cases, cases like these in which not making your intentions clear or not discussing how you have fixed some of the things that led to the break-up can keep someone from moving on. NC does work, but it's an antagonist if the dumpee knows the dumper is unaware of the dumpee's intentions. In that case, the dumpee would feel like they constantly could do something different (like tell the dumper what their intentions are) to change the dumper's mind, but instead of doing it, they internalize it, they writhe, and they feel like crap after the dumper moves on, unaware that the dumpee has been working on him/herself and unaware that they actually are open to reconciliation. This is a very confusing time to the both of you, and I understand your pain. The reasoning behind this method is that amidst a confused dumper and dumpee, the dumpee makes his/her intentions clear and then gives the confused dumper lots of space in which to come to a conclusion on his/her own time with knowledge of all the variables in play.

 

As a disclaimer, this is not a method to get your ex back. This is a method for you to let you know that you did everything in your power to save the relationship and in the end, it was just the dumper's unwillingness to pursue another relationship with you. In this case it would actually be them, not you, that caused the relationship to fall -- you can rest easy at night without guilt and have an easier time moving on. Don't expect a response, and don't expect them to ever want to contact you. Don't cave into communication unless you are able (I mean REALLY, HONESTLY able) to talk with her without getting upset. This wouldn't be for a loooong time.

 

Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you need any further advice, or a voice of reason from someone whom has gone through a similar situation. Here for you man!

[Loveandlost]

@pleasedont5 thanks for the advice, ive done that exercise for the last month and a half and the answer is yes. The problem is the reason she broke up with me has nothing to do with me.. she has even told this to people close to her.. she made the choice that she didnt want a future anymore with a guy with a kid even though she loves me and our relationship in every other way was "perfect", the added responsiblity of having a child sometimes living with her is not something she wants to accept in her life anymore.

 

I accepted this, have gone no contact for a while, and after hearing that she is confused and doesnt know what she wants I decided to try to reopen communication, to at least leave that door open to her if she wants to try. But I think you are right at this point I have done everything I can to save the relationship and if she doesnt contact me it is her unwillingness to pursue another relationship with me. I shouldnt forgive her for why she broke up with me, I know I shouldnt, but I am because I know she is worth it. But I am worth it as well and if she wants a future with me she needs to put some effort into it.

[SoLost12]

... Sadly not at this point in the road.

 

I hate to say it, as it is a painful realization, she's always known that you love her and want this to work out & hasn't jumped on that opportunity once. Her actions seem to be saying something that she's unable to (afraid to hurt you more) -> that she does not want to have contact with you right now.

 

If she is too lost to make this choice right now. don't wait for her to decide this, decide it for yourself, today. Let her know if you have to. I think you know somewhere inside it's necessary right now.

 

Either way, I think it's good that you broke NC this time, because it sounded like you really needed too- and that's ok. It's all leading somewhere. You never want to leave a situation with any regrets, just need to set your limitations in doing so. When the answer becomes clear, it's acceptance that we need to find within ourselves. (no matter how much we wish we could alter the answer!)

 

There is NO one method for these situations- you have to find what it is that propels you forward and what it is that pushes you back, then act accordingly... even if that means breaking contact again to find the answers that you are searching for to be able to move on...

[Loveandlost]

Thank you. I feel like I have done everything I can while saving face, treating the situation with love and understanding and giving her space and support. If its over its over.. I will not be a psycho or stalker ex.. She can look back one day and regret what she threw away during a quarter life crisis. Thats her problem now not mine.

 

Not going to pretend im not sad, hurt, angry... Etc

She threw away something amazing at a low point in her life... Thats her problem now

[SoLost12]

Love it. I'd be worried if you weren't sad, angry, hurt, a little bi-polar (or is that just me? haha. ) ... but now you're that much closer to not being so. The reality of it, grand scheme, is that it's much more sad for her. Really is a weird thing to realize after 5 years. Sorry. I would almost understand more if things were just starting to get serious and you having a child was an evaluating factor to move to the next step- but 5 years later?

Anyway! All the Best, You def have it coming to you!

[Pleasedonot5]

No problem for the advice.

 

It seems that you two have different expectations of a relationship. You're more focused on her, while she's still living in her "young" years and wanting to have fun for a while without the added responsibility of taking care of a kid. In this case, you really just have to let her be, man. If it's nothing wrong with you, then she just needs to get out there and experience the world because she feels the grass is greener on the other side. If it really is, she won't come back. If it isn't really greener, then she may or may not come back, but she'll regret her choice of breaking up with you. This choice of hers is clouded when you try to keep limited contact with her, because this 1) make her think of the desperate ex boyfriend instead of the awesome boyfriend you probably were when she thinks of you and 2) it clouds her emotions and causes her to want to push you away (push-pull theory). What's best for you, in the case that you've described, is to maintain NC, up your persona/physical appearance, and try your best to move on. Like I said, if she realizes the grass really isn't greener on the other side (away from you), then she may come back, but for now she's made her choice and you should respect that, give her space, and heal from what has happened. At least for now, you need to realize, your relationship with her is over. You won't gain much from trying to reopen contact at increasing intervals except more heartache and confusion. Just leave it be.

 

Best of luck to you though man, stay strong!