Why can't I leave him?

[SoulSearching8]

Hey there, it's me again... I am trying to figure out why I can't get the courage and strength to leave my fiance. I can't trust him anymore and, frankly, with who I have become, there are certain ways he can no longer trust me. I don't cheat or flirt, nothing like that, but I have gotten into the nasty habit of checking his computer from time to time. Why? Because each time I do, I find something that hurts so deep it's beginning to seriously kill me. We've had plenty of past issues, which I've posted about in a past thread, but here is my newest, which also is embedded in our past...

 

He lies. He lies easily and well and with no sense of guilt. We have been planning to be married for over a year now, but he still won't tell others. Like this new chick friend he has and has been hanging out with more frequently lately. He tells her that we are not dating, because he doesn't date (that's how we were when we first met, and recently he told me we need to be just friends because we have lost our friendship and without that there is no relationship. I can understand that, but he still wants to have children and be married...) He told her that we are very good friends and that I've always had his back, which is very true. Through the lying to other women about me, being thrown in jail, the jealousy and trust issues, everything, I've been there by his side, loyal, faithful, and true. But he keeps lying to me. He told me he'd never suggested a place for this new chick and him to hang out. According to his message the "last time what he suggested was different from what she wanted to do, so rather than feel stupid they'd do what she chose tonight." Followed by "You know where I stand on these things." Nothing bad said, nothing crazy... But, it bothers me that he'd lie about it. Why lie? What's the point? Why would he not want me to know? If he doesn't want me to know, what does he have to hide? These questions bother me and I just wish they'd go away. I don't care who he hangs out with, I just want him to be honest with me and I want him to be honest with them about me. I don't want to share my man romantically. I've thought about leaving so many times, and even have a plan just in case the time comes where I finally walk out that door, but something keeps me here...

 

Idk if it's love or just attachment, but my feelings for him run deep and I do care about him and his life. I try to give him the freedom he asks for so that he can be happy in his life, I just wish he'd give me honesty so I could have more peace in mine... The other night I cried on his neck while he was in a deep sleep. My brain was saying goodbye, my heart was saying let's try one more time, just like it always does. I want to be better for him, but I don't know how much more of myself I have to give anymore. We are talking more, and even thinking about going out to dinner tonight, just to hang out, like old times. I am trying so hard to be close with him again. We love each other very much. When it's just the two of us, he can make me feel on top of the world. He tells me he loves me and that I am the only woman he'd ever want to be with but, frankly, talk is cheap. Not all his actions counter what he says, either. He comes home to me and holds me every night. He listens to me when I need to talk, as long as I don't become overly emotional. He hugs tight when I tell him that's what I need. He can be a really amazing guy. I just don't want to be lied to anymore. I don't want to constantly wonder what's going on behind the scenes.

 

I also found that he had put himself on an online dating site. That seriously hurt. But I also know that he believes one of the best ways to make friends is to allow a chick to think he's interested in her and then have it "not work out" so they can just be friends. I whole-heartedly disagree with this concept, because I believe a friendship is built on honesty and respect, but I have tried many times to "allow" (I don't tell him what to and not to do, but can't think of a better word) him this course of action without being an interference. I don't contact the female, I try not to be too emotional when he's on his way or just came home from hanging out with the female, I try to talk about it and understand his side, but it still really hurts, and I really don't want that in a marriage. I've told him this. There doesn't really seem to be a good middle ground that we can reach. I want there to be, though. I really do.

 

I've been with this guy since I was 18, just barely turning 19. I am 23 now, going on 24. No, he is not my first love, but he is the only man I've ever felt this deeply about. Everyone wants me to leave him. My parents, my sister, my grandparents, my best friend, his brother, his parents... But I don't think I can. I am so torn. His family loves me and I absolutely adore them. They are a rock for me through all of this, but he doesn't know that because it has to be kept from him... That's tough for me. I can't stand it. How can I want honesty from him when I, myself, am keeping things from him? Keeping the fact that his family thinks I deserve better than how he's treating me? At the same time, I don't want that information to crush him. He hasn't had the best of relationships with his family in a long time, and I truly believe family is important. I try to also show them the good in him, hoping they can resolve their issues and rekindle their close family ties one day. Don't get me wrong, they love him, he's just kind of tough to handle at times, to say the least.

 

Anyway, I don't even know what I expect from posting here again, but I felt I needed to get it all out. Any help and advice is always welcome and appreciated more than I can state in words. Again, I've posted a freaking book, and I apologize for that. If you read the whole thing, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you and God bless you. It's comforting to know there may be people out there who care, even without knowing me.

[Roxie84]

Well my friend, you know in your heart that he is no good for you, and that you do not want to marry him.

 

I can absolutely relate to the fear of leaving someone because you don't want to feel alone after having a companion. But you and I both know that you will be a better person without him.

 

You have support from everyone here. However, the only thing that can truly help is for you to find the inner strength to walk away. What makes it even more difficult is that you met him at a younger age, therefore you feel that you have grown with him.

 

It will not be easy, but you have to remember that you are young and you do not want to throw away your life to be with someone who makes you miserable. Do you want to leave you first true love now, or would you rather go through a messy, expensive, heartbreaking divorce when you are in your late 20's, in your 30's, or even later?

[lalalollipops]

It's all about taking the first step hun. This guy is seriously messed up in the head, and bc you love him, you're allowing him to wipe his feet all over you. I know the logical side of you knows what to do, the logical side knows it's the RIGHT thing to do, but right now your heart's taking over.

I do hope that one day soon (sooner rather later) it'll be the last straw and you'll break free.

You deserve respect. All this guy does is hurt you. When will the pain be enough for you to let him go?

Just remember being unhappy alone is better than feeling absolutely alone while having somebody there right next to you.

Be strong!

[Moneypenny]

Idk if it's love or just attachment..... I try to give him the freedom he asks for so that he can be happy in his life, I just wish he'd give me honesty so I could have more peace in mine...

 

This is attachment, sweetie, and letting go is extremely hard, but you can do it, and you have to tell yourself you can; rather than tell yourself, "why can't I leave?" Actually, you can, even though you might not want to through fear of taking that final step. Once you take that step, you'll have put an end to all this unhealthy drama, pain and anguish that has been part of your life for so long now.

 

It's time for you to be honest with yourself...he's incapable of being honest, as he's clearly shown. You're far better than that, and only your own honesty can bring you the peace you need in your life.

 

The longer you stay, the longer you're keeping yourself attached to a life of misery.

 

As someone else suggested in your previous post, set up a support network (not his family either!), and walk away from this awful situation for your own health and sanity. He wants his freedom - so let him have it, but not at your expense.

[SoulSearching8]

I have a plan, just in case that day comes where I finally walk out the door, but it's still difficult for me... My parents were going to let me move in with them, but they've now offered that to my sister and I just don't believe there'd be room for me. I have money for a plane ticket back to my home state and my best friend would pick me up and take me to her home, where I could live as long as I wanted. That's what I'd need to do. And I've talked to her a lot about it and am really considering, but there are other things that hold me back, too. I love this new state that I live in. It is so much warmer than anywhere else I have ever lived. It has so much more opportunity financially, too! And so many exciting things to do! But I do not have the money to live on my own here right now and I do not know anyone I can room with. I know my fiance's family and I know the people I work with, but I am not super close with any of them. It makes for a large dilemma... I could go home, I just don't know if I'd be as happy living there anymore. At the same time, I tell myself I may be able to work hard (if I can find a job that pays a half-decent wage with half-decent hours in that tiny town) and eventually move back down here, maybe not to this exact town, but to a semi-nearby area where I can be warm and still have so much opportunity.

 

I also feel guilty leaving my fiance, even after all he has done. Last night he told me that he can't promise that he'll never play stripping games with other females because he believes part of God's calling for him is to "go down into the darkness with others to help pull them out." I have tried doing these things with him in the past, and I learned that I lose myself in the process. I lose my light. I begin hating myself, hating him, and despising the rest of the world. I told him all of this. I told him that it literally feels as if it kills me on the inside when he does things like that. He says it makes him miserable and kills him when he is not able to do the things he feels he needs to do. He always throws scripture at me, but I believe God would find his going into darkness a sin... Idk... I think I need to stop typing this response... Looks like I have another book to write

[becomingkate]

I think that you somehow believe that you don't deserve better, but time is ticking away and you won't be young forever. Try being 36 or 37 and stuck in a relationship like this - scary!

 

You might also be addicted to the drama, and if this is so, you might end up going from one cheating d*ckhead to another. If you have children, they will repeat your mistakes because it's all they know.

 

Honestly, you should make the trip to Hawaii. It won't be easy, but you could start over and meet a hot guy there; one that won't treat you like dirt.

[blonde579]

I am in the same boat. My husband goes on line and talk to women and does sex videos and more...... he resently said basically I am not the one for him but in my case he doesn't want to braekup but be him and stay together... I am lost depressed and confused...I decided that my happiness means more that I am going to try to leave him... I am not going to lie I don't want to but I can't continue to let him mistreat me.. it is hard when you put your all into something and not to have it be returned....I will text the rest in a little something came up.....

[blonde579]

Try to focused on things and get a hobbie so you don't have a lot of idle time make friends or spend time with your family. Basically you need a distraction and time to think about you and what you want out of life before your time is up....give him time to miss and apreciate what he had and what he lost if he is meant to be with you he will come back if not try to move on........people are in our life for a reason to learn from the relationship for the next . season or forever..I.hope this helps....

[SoulSearching8]

Try to focused on things and get a hobbie so you don't have a lot of idle time make friends or spend time with your family. Basically you need a distraction and time to think about you and what you want out of life before your time is up....give him time to miss and apreciate what he had and what he lost if he is meant to be with you he will come back if not try to move on........people are in our life for a reason to learn from the relationship for the next . season or forever..I.hope this helps....

 

It does help to know there are others out there going through something similar. My fiance says I am the only woman for him, though. Many times, he makes me feel on top of the world. Then he takes it away and tells me I need to understand him and just appreciate what I have. Asking for more is selfish. I moved almost 1000 miles away from home with him, so other than his family, I have no family here. My sister is moving even further away from me and my parents moved to Hawaii. My family is scattered. I have a few "friends" from work, but no one close, and my fiance and I share a car, which I barely use. I am home all day working on photos (I am a photographer) while he is at work. I really have no way of going anywhere. I do at least have bible studies down at the pool on Wednesdays, which is always nice. Other than that, he takes me to work and picks me up. (He works his second job at night when I work my job, and he gets off work before me, so he takes the car.) There's no way for me to have a hobby outside my photography, which is my business. Thank the Lord I have that. I love it so much. I hope your life gets brighter. I'd die inside if I found out my fiance was doing some sort of video sex chat with other women. He watches porn, looks at naked photos of young girls, (teens) and talks with other women, allowing them to be led on, hoping for friendship, but I hope that's all there is to it. That's all I've found and known, and I believe its all there is to it anymore. I pray that's all...