He's not that great, so why do I miss him?

[clueless11]

He's really not that great of a guy all around. He was in the beginning, for about a year. Sweet, attentive, driven.

Then he got depressed and everything changed. Although he finally seeked help, he got off the meds and didn't try to heal himself anymore. We stayed together (with one breakup at a depressed peak) for another almost year.

I stayed because I was so madly in love with the man I met a year ago and wished he would come back. I'd see glimpses of the great guy every so often, but my bf wasn't driven enough to cure himself.

He's just not good for me! He dumped me 3 weeks ago and is now claiming he's cured his depression through spirituality. But he's still a loser. No real career and no plans on changing that, he's obviously not stable enough to handle a serious relationship. He would walk out if things got bad in like a second, I swear.

But I love him sooo much. He was my closest friend and I kinda want him back. The "kinda" because I feel like I shouldn't want him unless he really matured and I know I can't change him.

Why do I miss him so much even though he's not good for me?? Why do I feel this way? It's so frustrating!!

[markie6]

Heroin will kill you but you will still get withdrawal symptoms

[Natasha24]

When we lose someone (whether through breakup, death, or any other way), we tend to remember the best things about them and we put them on a pedestal. Even though you're able to recognize his faults, there's still part of you that's remembering him as much more amazing than he was. I don't think there's anything you can do to stop yourself from thinking this way, most of us do it. Time heals all wounds, just keep pushing through!

[Mb1212]

I know exactly how you feel. For some reason i'm here missing my ex like crazy but he treated me awful and showed he wasn't a great person. What's frustrating to me is that i feel like it's one sides, why am i sitting here missing him when he was so bad to me? Yet i treated him with the upmost respect and care and it seems like he's just fine.

[idkxxx]

I know exactly how you feel. For some reason i'm here missing my ex like crazy but he treated me awful and showed he wasn't a great person. What's frustrating to me is that i feel like it's one sides, why am i sitting here missing him when he was so bad to me? Yet i treated him with the upmost respect and care and it seems like he's just fine.

 

WOW you literally took the words out of my mouth. I feel exactly the same way as that! We gave them everything but yet why are we the ones upset while they are fine? Shouldn't WE be the ones happy to be out of it and they be miserable? It's really unfair but maybe it just shows that we are decent people? No matter what we still loved them and tried to see the best in them. But as for this thread, yeah I agree completely. I do the same thing and I think everyone does but with time we'll start heal and as we heal I think that's when we start to see them for who they really are. Soon we will look back and think wow, now I know what NOT to stand for in a relationship and ultimately will help us find a much more loving and suited partner

[LillyLooWho]

We miss them (a) out of habit and (b) at the loss of the potential for what we want (a meaningful fulfilling relationship). Every relationship has potential even if in the moment things are not going well. When we lose the relationship even if it was the best thing that could have happened to us, we lose the dream. The potential may be a ridiculous fantasy but that's just hope getting in the way of seeing things clearly. Also if they are in our lives long enough there is a hole there. Being with them has become a habit. Takes some time to get over a habit and nobody likes that uncomfortable weak feeling when breaking a bad habit. That's why NC is so hard. It's like quitting cigarettes or heroin as Markie said -- not easy even when you know it's not good for you.

[Mb1212]

It's soo hard, frustrating and completely unfair. I still loved him and tried to see the better in him besides all the awful things he did to me. I can't wait for this period to be over and to be moved on. Everyone keeps saying that at one point i'll look back and not be able to fathom how i spent so many days crying and upset over losing someone like that. It's so nice to hear someone going through the same feelings as me!

[clueless11]

Oh my gosh you guys, seriously. It's so nice to hear all these encouraging things even though you feel so low! I just ran my butt off, came home sobbing and then ended up laughing about it because I felt so ridiculous. And yes! I agree, I see all that potential we had and all those wonderful times, and he's not that person anymore, but its still impossible to not dwell. I really thought I was going to marry him and be perfectly happy for the rest of my life. I think I should be happy I'm rid of him and I can find a great guy to love me properly, but nooo. Too easy. I want the guy who just broke my heart.

I know he misses me too, he talks to me all the time and tells me he does, but I guess now is just not the time, for him. He's too immature and I think on some level he knows he can't handle a relationship right now.

But! I do believe we are all going to feel better. Even if it's damn near impossible to get out of bed, eventually, we will all heal.

Also, Mb1212, I don't think he's fine. Even if he posts thousands of "im so happy" things on facebook or has a new gf, I don't think he's fine. Deep down he's hurting and I'll bet you sometimes when he's sitting on the computer with no one who cares about him or laying in bed alone, he's not fine.

[bw92116]

Even though the relationship was very bad for you, it also fulfilled some kind of purpose. You did get some benefit in some way from it, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed in it so long. I don't know what that purpose was for you. But whatever it was, that's why you stayed. And that's why you're missing it. Now your goal is to find some other way to get that purpose fulfilled. And hopefully in a non-harmful way.

[idkxxx]

It's soo hard, frustrating and completely unfair. I still loved him and tried to see the better in him besides all the awful things he did to me. I can't wait for this period to be over and to be moved on. Everyone keeps saying that at one point i'll look back and not be able to fathom how i spent so many days crying and upset over losing someone like that. It's so nice to hear someone going through the same feelings as me!

 

I know I feel exactly the same! He says some horrible things about me to other people even though I gave him everything. I'm starting to KNOW that I'll look back in a few months and be able to go wow, I can't believe I cared so much. I'm definitely starting to feel like now I know he isn't the one for me. First loves are always the hardest people say, and at least we gave it everything!

[Sportster2005]

Despite our best efforts sometimes we don't choose who we fall in love with. We just do.

[cbzfmoc]

OP, I can totally relate to your story. It is EXACTLY my situation. So scary. Hope we both find something great in the future.

[Mesemene]

You're not just letting go of him - but your dream of him when he was the guy you saw he could be.

 

It hurts.

 

And it hurts to know you can't love someone enough to make them love themselves enough to be what you can see in them.

 

You lose the reality - which even bad, was YOUR reality and your life revolved around it.

 

And you lose the "what could have been" because for whatever reasons - the guy or girl you love doesn't see themselves the way you do, and doesn't care enough about themselves to reach that potential.

[cryingalways]

Mesemene: You are very right about these types of people not caring enough about themselves and people like us caring too much. I am on week three of NC now from being broken up with by my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend.

 

Thing is sometimes I think he is incredibly insecure and that's why he was so awful to me-other times I think he is just an abuser and doesn't care enough about anyone other than himself and that is why he lashed out at me. I for one would never lash out at him the way he did to me so it makes you wonder about how people control their own choices in life.

 

I gave him everything, a world of patience, love, understanding and sacrifices. And after us reaching the point of him considering counseling, I moved in a way he didn't like or said something he didn't approve of and he dumped me. I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't come crawling back in a month or more. Seeing as I have actually removed myself from him completely now instead of lavishing him in support, taking his abuse and asking him to re-think his decision (Yes...I rang him a few days after asking if he was sure about his choice-he dumped me once before and came back the next day so i had to know what was really going on. I even said I'd give up the things he didn't like in my life...but that's what happens to you when you've been emotionally abused, your confidence is smashed.)

 

But in relation to this situation, I would say that you have given him so much and his responding with ending the relationship is just a slap in the face. There are probably good reasons for it to end by the sounds of it. But it is ALL TO DO WITH HIM. So leave him alone to realize he needs to sort out his behaviour. He will probably come crawling back some day but you can't wait around for him. It's not fair on you. Start thinking about you now. That's what I've been doing. And even though I miss him so much it's unbearable I have moments of great joy when I actually do something for me. So can you.

[snappy5]

Don't take him back unless he is committed to the relationship and committed to treatment. How can you tell? Slowly over a long time period.

 

Grandiose professions of change are a feeble attempt at reconciliation. They often cannot produce the needed long term changes required to make it work this time around.

 

The bigger the assertions, the more lacking in reality they are. If he truly was confident about his new self, he will show you over time instead of trying to convince you in one sentence. e.g. "This car is truly fantastic. You have to buy it now. It will do everything." vs. "This car is great. Take a look for yourself and decide."

[brokendoll]

Hey girls I m so glad I found this thread forum. Literally spent the entire day crying my eyes out. I thought I was the only one thats going through such a miserable time even though he treated me like . stay strong girls time is the greatest healer thankyou for this thread.. I feel so much stronger