Got back with my ex girl, but now I'm extremely worried...

[Marcus2012]

Hi everyone, I registered here, because I really need some advice... hopefully someone can give me some. I'd appreciate that a lot...

 

Well, I got back with my ex girlfriend after a 7 month breakup. She was always a very difficult person to deal with... one day she was happy, the other she was sad, the other she was angry, and this led to lots of fights and then the break up. There was other reasons than that... but... that's not the issue...

I had already gotten over her and I was fine, but she came to talk to me, saying she regreted breaking up me, that she realized I was the man of her life, that she saw the mistakes she did and that she wanted to change her ways.

 

Well... I believed her. And we are back for a month now.

 

Everything is going great, we love each other very much and we are doing ok. But......... I just can't get this feeling that she will change her mind sooner or later. It's driving me crazy. Everything that she does (or doesn't) makes me panic (I don't show that to her). I keep thinking she will leave me again, that she will change her mind again, and knowing how she was, this wouldn't be difficult...

 

She looked so determined when she came to talk to me a month ago. She said she was going to listen to me, she wanted to change college, she even said she was going to se a psychologist to help her with these indecision issues that she had... but she hasn't done any of those things so far. She gave up the decision to change her college, she didn't look for a psychologist so far and she doesn't seem to be listening to my opinions that much.

None of those things affect us directly, but they show me that she is still a very doubtful person...

 

All I wan't is to relax, to feel good about myself, with no worries. I wan't to focus on my work, in my sports, in other things I do, but she affects everything!

What can I do? I can't leave her just for that and I can't keep talking to her about my insecurities... I fear this will only drive her further away and will make me look desperate...

 

Any advices?

 

Thank you very much.

[leogurl]

Once a break up happens, I try to stay away as far as possible from the ex. I'd been there, and done that. It usually is not a good idea to go back because old things you used to fight over about starts to come into surface. There's a reason why it didn't work out in the first place, and since it's evident she can't keep her words...well...

 

If being with her is making you this uncomfortable, you should take it as a sign that maybe you need to get out of it. No relationship is worth driving yourself mad on a daily basis like this...to the point you're the one fearing she'll leave you and will look desperate when you are the person who took her back.

 

She said all these things she would do, but hasn't. But here you are worrying over her actions, no time for yourself.

 

You can't leave her for that? Yes, you can. Don't forget yourself as an individual just because you're with someone. You were moving on.

 

Maybe someone can advice you to stick with it, but I won't be one of them.

[Marcus2012]

I understand that universal idea that going back with ex's never work, but. In some cases it does, doesn't it? Why can't mine be one of those?

 

What if she is trying to change and need more time? Shouldn't I try to help her? Shouldn't I say to her what I'm thinking? Give her a chance... I didn't expect her to be a totally different person all of a suden anyway.

Dumping her right now seems weird. We are very happy (well... I'm not completely happy because of what I said, but when we're together, everything is great).

 

But anyway, I think my biggest problem right now is my overthinking... I should be working right now, but I'm here refreshing this page and thinking about her...

[leogurl]

It can be, and it does. Hence I said "Usually" not "always".

 

So if someone voices a strong opinion against it, you would throw things that can make the relationship work. Yes, yes, yes.

Since you have these answers for yourself, I suggest you try it then.

[pl3asehelp]

I understand that universal idea that going back with ex's never work, but. In some cases it does, doesn't it? Why can't mine be one of those?

 

What if she is trying to change and need more time? Shouldn't I try to help her? Shouldn't I say to her what I'm thinking? Give her a chance... I didn't expect her to be a totally different person all of a suden anyway.

Dumping her right now seems weird. We are very happy (well... I'm not completely happy because of what I said, but when we're together, everything is great).

 

But anyway, I think my biggest problem right now is my overthinking... I should be working right now, but I'm here refreshing this page and thinking about her...

 

You could be one of those and it's up to you, but there's an enormous cost to you, which you are experiencing right now as she fails to make the changes she promised.

[marona]

I understand that universal idea that going back with ex's never work, but. In some cases it does, doesn't it? Why can't mine be one of those?

 

Well, you don't get far by letting in your feelings...

So I want to make an easy perspective for you:

 

- You tell her how you feel, because nothing else is fair to her or you, despite you feeling she will think of you as desperate (and you know this deep inside, because if you don't tell her, you will keep feeling this way, it will build up and eventually be the final straw in breaking you up again..)

 

Case 1: She thinks of you as desperate, and tries to blame you.

Your reaction: Leave her. This proves she is not worth your time.

 

Case 2: She sees where you are coming from, and will do her best to make some sacrifices.

Your reaction: Give her another chance.

 

Also gently, in a non-threating way, try to tell her that she have to follow up on her words if she wants it to work out with you. Don't be scared to set yourself up as something she should "fight for" - or you will be a doormat. The worst thing that can happen is that she won't do anything, and then you know how much of a flying fish she gives for you...

[Marcus2012]

So if someone voices a strong opinion against it, you would throw things that can make the relationship work. Yes, yes, yes.

Since you have these answers for yourself, I suggest you try it then.

 

I guess everyone wants to hear what they want to hear, huh? Well, I would feel bad if at least I didn't try.

 

You could be one of those and it's up to you, but there's an enormous cost to you, which you are experiencing right now as she fails to make the changes she promised.

 

Is it really such an enormous cost? I've been thinking about a scenario... if someone could offer you a 1 in 10 chance to be happy (with someone) forever, vs a 9 in 10 chance to be happy for a while then suffer for a few months then go back to normal... would't you take it?

I'm not one to suffer for years about a girl anyway. Before she came to talk to me about getting back, I was already over her. I think that if we break up again, it will be easier (still hard, but easier).

 

Case 1: She thinks of you as desperate, and tries to blame you.

Your reaction: Leave her. This proves she is not worth your time.

 

Case 2: She sees where you are coming from, and will do her best to make some sacrifices.

Your reaction: Give her another chance.

 

This seems like a win/win situation. Of course I would like to see the Case 2 hapenning, but... I think both of these situations are better than just coming up to her and breaking up.

 

 

 

Thank you all for you advices. I think I will talk to her (gently). Let's see how she will react.

Right now, my anxiety problems are what sucks the most. I wish I could just say to myself "**** it... enjoy it while you can... if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Think about somethin else.", but it's hard for me. I am an extremely overthinker person. Any tips on that, maybe?

 

Thanks.

[Marcus2012]

FYI... just had a fight with her about something really stupid. The subject is not important... the thing is, she didn't listen to me again. She put herself in defensive mode as always.

 

Well. She is going to travel now for a project, will be back in 2 days and we are not in good terms.

She decided to go without consulting me, which makes me pissed and I asked her to cancel after she told me (after the fight) and she said she couldn't now.

 

She left saying that she loves me and we will talk when she gets back. I really feel like an idiot...

I will talk to her when she gets back but I don't know if I will be able to keep cool this time. I'll probably spill everything out and if she doesn't agree I'll (try to) break up with her.

 

I don't wanna fight for her anymore... I wan't her to fight for me (maybe I'll tell her that... hum).

 

It's gonna a hell of a hard weekend though =/

[HeartGoesOn]

Can you explain what you mean by, "she decided to go without consulting me?"

[Marcus2012]

Can you explain what you mean by, "she decided to go without consulting me?"

 

She decided to go without even talking to me before. She didn't have to ask my permission, of course, but we just had a fight...

Couldn't she have stayed so we could sort this out?

 

I would hate to travel, knowing that last think I did was fight with her, and I would leaver her alone in the weekend thinking about this. I wouldn't go in the first place, but if I had already commited to, I would try to do everything in my power to cancel it...

 

That's what I would do anyway...