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Sexually not compatible?


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Hello everyone,


I'm not going to explain how we got this far without dealing with this issue (it's a very long story), but bottom line is that I have been with my boyfriend whom I love very much for approx. 3.5 years and he's not very open to trying what I'd like to try when it comes to sex.


We have done what I'd consider the "basics" (ice cubes, vibrator, cool whip type of things). However, he's very hesitant to try things like handcuffs or blindfolds, never mind the other things I'd like to try (there's various things I've never had the opportunity to try, some of which I didn't even realise the existence of before 6 months ago, and I'm just kind of curious to see if I'd enjoy them or not!).


I've talked to him about this, but we don't seem to be doing much progress. In a sense, I guess I could just go on with my life, never try out stuff and never know whether or not I'd enjoy it... But at the same time, I feel like I wouldn't really be myself if I were to act like that (I'm someone who likes to try different things in all aspects of life, not just in the bedroom


Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice? Or has anyone been in my bf's shoes? Any advice from that perspective?


*I should add, our sex life is good, we enjoy it and all, but it's mostly like I'm searching for more... and variety!

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I agree that this is a question of compatibility... but this wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. Hear me out.


You are never, ever going to find someone who is 100% compatible with you. Never. 80% or 90% compatible? Sure. 100%? Never. This includes in the bedroom. So... let's say you break up with this person. You may find someone who is more compatible in bed... but there will be other, different areas of incompatibility to make up for it.


It sounds like your sex life is good, your relatoinship is good and your sex life is not completely boring. Just not as exciting as you would like.


I'd let it go... but... it's a question of priorities.


(And yeah - I've been with people more exciting than me, less exciting than me and about as exciting as me. No one is perfect)

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How strong is this sexual curiosity? So you've read Shades of Grey and want to try out the red room stuff. It couldn't hurt to talk about the things you read and express your interest.


As far as trying things... What if you try it, he really does dislike it but you love it?

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RedDress: You are never, ever going to find someone who is 100% compatible with you. Never. 80% or 90% compatible? Sure. 100%? Never. This includes in the bedroom.




But I think that given time, he might be more open minded about it. For example, he might not want to be submissive and wear a blind fold in that capacity, but wouldn't mind if you did. Or you might have to start with scarves because handcuffs and chains on the bed don't appeal to him, lol.


Every person is unique and I don't know details, but if he's open to vibrators and cool whip, he'd probably take things further if you concentrate on what he finds erotic, and build on that. Sometimes small elements of bondage, or D/s, added to a regular lovemaking routine can pique their interest.


If it doesn't, I guess it would depend on how important it was to me, but I wouldn't personally consider it an issue.

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Firstly, I am glad to hear that you are confident in your desire to explore your sexuality.


All hope is not lost, I promise


Everyone has fantasies. I am a strong believer that everyone, man or woman, has a desire to explore beyond "vanilla" sex with their lover. Therefore, there has to be something "different" that interests him, it's just a matter of discovering it.


My suggestion would be to do a little personal searching first. For example, why do you want to play with toys such as handcuffs? Do you enjoy being submissive in the bedroom? If so, would you like him to take greater control over you in the bedroom? If so, I'm sure this could be accomplished using actions and words - handcuffs aren't necessary right away.


He likes vibrators and other toys - this is excellent. He is not closed minded to the idea of introducing toys. As for the "accessories", I would wait until you've explored other sexual desires before just going out and buying some bondage toys.


I once dated someone where we had a great deal of attraction to one another. We talked about our desires and discovered we were BOTH submissives! I was worried that we would not be sexually compatible, but it turned out that he was one of the best, more fulfilling sexual partners I've ever had We were able to have fun by communicating our desires very openly and vividly. We explored each other's fantasies by taking turns picking role-play scenarios and acting them out. With this, just our "vanilla" sex became amazing and mind-blowing.


In all, I suggest looking into different desires and fantasies, taking it slow, and really discover your mental appreciation for the aspects of sex that turn you on most. Once you've slowly worked into this, you two can mutually decide on what toys you may like to introduce

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