My ex has strong feelings for someone else and I'm so hurt :(

[idkxxx]

Okay so I need advice!

 

I was doing okay for the past two days, really well actually compared to before. I was even considering being friends in a few weeks or something! Until tonight.

 

Tonight I found out that my ex has 'strong feelings' for another girl already. We were together for almost a year, have been broken up for a month and he's only been talking to her for a few weeks. They are old friends, apparently had a little thing way before we got together but never actually DID anything. Who knows really. Anyway, I was devastated, cried my eyes out. I just feel so worthless. How can someone develop strong feelings so soon out of a long relationship!? We were each others first loves, and now I feel like I meant nothing. He even told me he didn't want another relationship for ages!!!

 

He treated me like crap at times and I put up with all of his crap, was always there for him, gave him so many chances, etc and even in the end I was still the one trying to be friends. He hasn't really ever seemed like he wanted to be friends. He would say he would want to be but he would never make conversation or anything.

 

I'm scared he will treat her right, or he will love her more or not even count me as a love. I don't know how he can fall for someone so fast. On a good note this has made me completely never want contact with him again. I literally do not want anything to do with him ever and this has made me sure as hell I'll never get back with him. There is no way I'd get back with someone who can just get over me and fall for someone else this quickly.

 

I just don't get it and it hurts like hell. I really need some advice...

[idkxxx]

Not that this has anything to do with it... but I should add that he was a occasional pot smoker before we dated, quit completely when we were together and would always say how happy he was he gave it up... and then after we broke up he's back on it either getting stoned or drunk almost every day. She's a massive pot smoker too and it's weird cause he used to say how gross it was when girls did it

[camus154]

This is all a normal stage of breaking up. The news that our ex has found someone else after us is a double whammy....it's both an insult to how they supposedly felt about us, and the blow that makes us realize it's really over.

 

Give yourself some time to absorb the news. In another few days or few weeks you will begin to accept this. You'll still hurt over it, but it won't be a shock anymore. And then you keep on keeping on. In the meantime, try not to let your mind go into overdrive comparing yourself to her or wondering about what it all means. It just means he's moving on, and you should to.

[FrenchFries]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It really sucks, I know! My advice - stop getting updates about what he's up to. As you now know it's painful to hear about them moving on and finding new love. I'd ask everyone around me not to talk about or give updates about what the ex is doing. It only serves to make you feel worse than you already do.

[Mb1212]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this so soon after a break up. My worst fear is that my ex will find someone and treat them with the love and respect he never gave me so i can understand how hard that is to find out. Try not to find anything else about what's going on with him because it will just hurt more. I'm lucky enough that me and my ex didn't share any of the same friend groups and already blocked him on facebook so i have no way of knowing what he's up to. If you guys don't share the same friends just try your best to block him out so you don't see any more updates on them together.

[becomingkate]

He treated me like crap at times and I put up with all of his crap, was always there for him, gave him so many chances, etc and even in the end I was still the one trying to be friends. He hasn't really ever seemed like he wanted to be friends. He would say he would want to be but he would never make conversation or anything.

 

I agree you should try to remove him from all contact.

 

Anytime I've gone through a break up, especially if I know he's going to find someone right away - I almost find it a relief. Not that I don't feel sorry for the new girl, because by then I know what he's like! But it allowed me time to figure everything out and move on to meeting nicer people.

[Lateralis]

I'm scared he will treat her right, or he will love her more or not even count me as a love. I don't know how he can fall for someone so fast. On a good note this has made me completely never want contact with him again. I literally do not want anything to do with him ever and this has made me sure as hell I'll never get back with him. There is no way I'd get back with someone who can just get over me and fall for someone else this quickly.

 

The above is why, even though it hurts like hell, finding out was a good thing in your case. Sounds like you needed for something like this to happen in order for you to really start moving on. I saw your other thread where you were considering being friends with him and the above is also why that was simply not a good idea. It's time to forget him and move on.

 

You see his true colors now. I'm probably just telling you stuff you already know, but sometimes it's good to just hear it (in this case, read it) from an outside source. I don't know the guy, and this is just my opinion from what I've seen from your posts, but he's probably just a liar. The pot thing you mentioned? A flat out lie. No male who smokes reefer thinks a female smoking it is gross. That doesn't even make sense, and this is coming from a male who occasionally smokes some reefer, himself.

 

The problem is NOT you, the problem is him. You KNOW this is true. Stop worrying about if he'll treat this new girl better than he treated you. If he lied to you, he'll lie to her. If he's capable of telling you he loves you while he breaks your heart, he's capable of doing it to her as well. Be THANKFUL you no longer have to worry about this from him. I know that's easier said than done, and I know that regardless of everything else this person means a lot to you. Trust me, I understand that completely.

 

It's going to be hard, but it's time to move on and REALLY start your journey to becoming the person you used to be. The amazing, beautiful person that your ex once fell in love with and that someone NEW will fall in love with one day as well. That person is still inside you and will resurface in time, I promise you.

 

Good luck and take care.

[lavenderdove]

>>I'm scared he will treat her right, or he will love her more or not even count me as a love.

 

That is a very common sentiment after people break up, but what it really tells you is that you are in love with the IDEA that he could be a better or different person than he actually was! He won't ultimately treat her any better than he treated you, because he is who he is. You were probably more in love with who you HOPED he would be, a person who treated you right, but the truth is he just didn't because he is not that person.

 

So please don't drive yourself crazy with the thought that he will magically be a perfect person with someone else... he just won't be. he may be extra special nice to her in the beginning because it is 'new love', but in the end, he will just be who he is which means he will treat her no better than you. People are not 'fixer upper' projects like a house, where you invest a certain amount in them and they turn into something better. He will only behave differently if HE feels like it, and usually people are pretty consistent in who they are in relationships, so he won't be 'better' or all that much different with her once the new love hormones wear off.

[idkxxx]

Thanks so much for everyones input. I guess he'll never change, considering right after we broke up he went back to who he was before we dated. He was always a liar, even about the most pointless things. Maybe it's just so hard because it's my first love. At least this has assured me that I never want to go back!

[sadbutrue]

How do feel you now, idkxxx?

[Pulkit Kohli]

Yeah how do you feel now?