Should I just let this go?

[Moonphase]

My fiance's sleeping schedule has been totally backwards since he's been here in Canada with me. He stays up all night, sometimes until 6am, and if I let him he'll sleep until 2 - 3 pm. That's been annoying me a lot, but whatever, I can get over it.

 

What's been bugging me more is that he recently joined a chatroom. I started thinking, who is he talking to from sundown to sun up while I'm asleep beside him? So last night I asked. He said 'I don't really know who they are, we stay anonymous.' I asked if there were girls. He said he doesn't know. He got really defensive when I asked if there was girls he was chatting with.

I said I didn't understand how he can talk to these people every night for hours and not know the first thing about them. And also that his defensiveness just made me even more uneasy about the situation. I explained that I wasn't suspicious in the first place and the reason I asked about girls is because if he was talking to females (friendly smalltalk or otherwise) I didn't think it was appropriate. I feel that there's no reason to be talking to women, whether she's your friend, a stranger, or anything else, for hours all night long while your fiancee sleeps beside you. He thought I was being unreasonable and irrational. I never told him to leave the chatroom or stop talking to certain members all together. Just asked him to tone it down and keep it reasonable.

 

So, in the end I felt 1. Lied to (how can he not know a single thing about these people?) and 2. Lack of trust that he will make the judgement call on who he talks to and for how long (because he got so defensive and saw me as being controlling)

 

I just wouldn't feel right about talking to a man every night until the sun came up while my fiance sleeps. So I expected the same from him.

Is he right in feeling controlled, even though I approached the situation as nicely as possible? Am I wrong to feel the way I do? Is this something I should even bring up again since I feel like he isn't going to do what I asked?

 

Thanks!

[camus154]

What kind of chat room is this? Specifically?

[Moonphase]

What kind of chat room is this? Specifically?

 

A 4chan chatroom.

[Blurry]

A 4chan chatroom.

 

Could be girls, but if I were a betting man I'd say no effing way. I've only been to one 4chan chatroom but if he's going to that one, there aren't any girls.

[becomingkate]

I agree with you - it would never, ever be appropriate or respectful to stay up chatting all night. It would be a red flag to me!

[camus154]

Hmm, I think he's guilty of bad taste more than dabbling outside the confines of your relationship. I wouldn't be so sure he's lying to you--chat rooms from what I've seen are anonymous, and you don't spend time "getting to know" people in them--just a lot of vapid banter back and forth.

 

Of course if he was logging into a chat room dedicated to a particular topic--such as Adult, sex, whatever--that would be different.

[Moonphase]

I agree with you - it would never, ever be appropriate or respectful to stay up chatting all night. It would be a red flag to me!

It would be to me if he was secretive about it. But he leaves the chatroom and conversations open on his computer, and when we're watching videos on YouTube together or something he'll open up the chat and talk to them right in front of me. I don't think he has anything to hide.

[Moonphase]

Of course if he was logging into a chat room dedicated to a particular topic--such as Adult, sex, whatever--that would be different.

Oh of course. Which is why I haven't said he can't chat in it anymore or anything like that.

[becomingkate]

It would be to me if he was secretive about it. But he leaves the chatroom and conversations open on his computer, and when we're watching videos on YouTube together or something he'll open up the chat and talk to them right in front of me. I don't think he has anything to hide.

 

I'm not saying he has anything to hide. I think it's a problem that he stays up all night, chatting with whomever, instead of coming to bed and trying to build a life with you outside the chatroom.

[Moonphase]

I'm not saying he has anything to hide. I think it's a problem that he stays up all night, chatting with whomever, instead of coming to bed and trying to build a life with you outside the chatroom.

Yeah, and it only started bothering me recently. The thought didn't even cross my mind until last night, and I thought "WHY did it take me so long to realize this is inappropriate??" Now that I've thought about it, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to stop and the sound of his typing while I'm going to sleep is going to start making me extremely angry. This might sound immature or something, but I'm kind of tired of going to bed alone.

[camus154]

Well, let's keep this straight.

 

You said he does this beside you, so I'm assuming this means he's on a laptop in bed. Which means he's not exactly not going to bed with you, he's just not falling asleep with you.

 

Not saying that minimizes your question here, but I think it's a fair distinction. A lot of people, including myself, like to read in bed. I sometimes watch Netflix in bed on my tablet while my girlfriend is asleep beside me. I don't necessarily see that as a problem, unless he's otherwise neglecting you or your...more intimate needs.

[Moonphase]

Well, let's keep this straight.

 

You said he does this beside you, so I'm assuming this means he's on a laptop in bed. Which means he's not exactly not going to bed with you, he's just not falling asleep with you.

 

Not saying that minimizes your question here, but I think it's a fair distinction. A lot of people, including myself, like to read in bed. I sometimes watch Netflix in bed on my tablet while my girlfriend is asleep beside me. I don't necessarily see that as a problem, unless he's otherwise neglecting you or your...more intimate needs.

You're right. I guess I'm just used to us cuddling and falling asleep together, and I'd like to do that once in awhile still.

[camus154]

And I don't think that's at all unreasonable to expect. I can understand staying up later than you occasionally, but if it's every single night, and especially if it means he's sleeping all day, that is a problem.

[TalkThatTalk9]

You're right. I guess I'm just used to us cuddling and falling asleep together, and I'd like to do that once in awhile still.

 

I understand the wanting your guy to come to bed with you. . . I used to get mad at my ex for staying up til late after midnight, and then falling asleep on the couch. I didn't mind falling asleep on my own at first, but it got more and more frequent. Now looking back, we had SERIOUS issues leading to him doing this. but at the time I kept trying to talk myself out of being upset.

 

I would say "well, we are just sleeping when in the bed. so what is the big deal if he does come to bed or not???"

 

in the end I realized, that it was just something I feel a couple needs to do to stick together and be strong. my parents slept in separate rooms forever before divorcing, and that is not something I wanted.

 

do you think that maybe he can just come to bed with you and not open the laptop right awy. just chill with you and cuddle. then when you fall asleep he can break out the laptop????

 

if you are willing to compromise he might be more understanding, although I think it is a bit ridiculous if he does not at least do something like this with you because he is not really being very understanding to your feelings.

 

and the sleeping til 2 or 3 in the afternoon... does he not have a job? I would be kinda disgusted and annoyed by that after awhile. I am one who can not sleep my days away, and if my significant other was doing it everyday I would get really annoyed really fast.

[becomingkate]

This might sound immature or something, but I'm kind of tired of going to bed alone.

 

It's not immature at all.

 

I totally get the online addiction - I spend hours a day surfing the net and reading ENA. I met my husband online eight years ago, we were in a LDR for a year, and if it weren't for the computer, my life would be different. BUT, after he moved in, and I continued my late night online perusing, he brought it up and asked me to start coming to bed with him. TBH, it's the first time I've ever done that in a relationship.

 

We go to bed together every night, and it has brought us much closer. I like the routine, and it gives us time to whisper and laugh together before going to sleep.

[bulletproof]

I think it's irrelevant whether he's talking to males or females. Why does that matter?

 

It's more relevant that he stays up all night and sleeps all day. How does he make a living? Does he go to school? It just seems that he is wasting a lot of his time in a chat room when he could be building a life.

[Moonphase]

and the sleeping til 2 or 3 in the afternoon... does he not have a job? I would be kinda disgusted and annoyed by that after awhile. I am one who can not sleep my days away, and if my significant other was doing it everyday I would get really annoyed really fast.

He is American and is here in Canada with me for 6 months, so it's illegal for him to work. The sleeping in has annoyed me a lot, but I try to be understanding and not snap at him everyday.. The reason I've been lenient with all of this is because without work he starts to feel kind of useless and depressed, which I can understand because I felt that way when I was in the states for 6 months. And all his friends are back home too, so of course I'm not going to ask him to cut out the chatroom, which is a big form of social interaction for him.

I just wish he would be more reasonable about it and come to bed earlier. But anytime I try to tell him his sleeping schedule is a problem, his response is "Why? What's the point in getting up early to do nothing?"

[Moonphase]

I think it's irrelevant whether he's talking to males or females. Why does that matter?

 

It's more relevant that he stays up all night and sleeps all day. How does he make a living? Does he go to school? It just seems that he is wasting a lot of his time in a chat room when he could be building a life.

It matters to me because I don't think it's appropriate. Same as I don't think talking to a drunk female in a bar would be appropriate. I don't think feeling that way is irrational.

Check my post above this one for an explanation of why he isn't working. Normally he's a very hard worker and takes a lot of pride in putting in 12-hour days.

[becomingkate]

Normally he's a very hard worker and takes a lot of pride in putting in 12-hour days.

 

I've known quite a few people that had to wait the six months before working (I'm in Alberta) and it is very difficult! After two or three months, they started networking their field or volunteering. One guy took classes to upgrade his skills, and he got a higher starting wage, another guy took cash jobs while he was waiting.

 

I'm sure you guys will adjust to each other if you're willing to compromise.

[vix8]

I think all you need to do is tell your husband why it's annoying. Tell him that it bothers you because you miss cuddling and that is all. As soon as you start telling him what to do, he sees it as irrational. So just tell him you miss being held and it's making you upset and you feel ignored.