The alternate NC?

[Canuck]

Hello all,

First off, I had been reading a ton of threads here to make sense of my own situation a few months back. Taking bits and pieces from all of your advice and posts had indeed helped me to see both sides of the male/female thought process. You all are a great bunch of well meaning people...if we ran the world...no war!

 

Anyway, I wanted to share a little bit of a different view on the whole breakup/NC/reconcile cycle.

I had met a great girl while we were both working in the same place. My mistake was that she had just broken up with her guy of 5 yrs. According to the both of them...it had been dead for the last of year of those 5.

Her and I hit if off right from the get go and didn't become intimate until a few months after we actually met.

There were signs that she was not ready and we addressed them. She did not want to leave me. However, making a long story short, a year later she decided that it was not for her. Yes I had the usual "its not you its me", "I love you but not in love with you" kinda thing. we dragged it out for a good 2 months before I let it go in my own mind.

Let me tell you, it was the hardest thing that I have ever done and you all know what I mean. I love this person dearly and it just destroyed my days and nights. Crawling all over this site looking for answers and particularily reading the womens posts for insight was the daily routine for me.

So, after all the reading was done (especially the posts by "Bigchief"...I feel for you man), I went conventional and unconventional. By mixing all of the views on NC and coming up with a solution.

The first thing is that I did go NC from my side, but let her contact me. No answering the phone; just listening to the messages and giving a very short reply by way of text. Replying was not instant. Only by what I felt was right.

The catalyst for me was that big meltdown that we all endure at some point of our grieving process.

A coulple of days after that, I got a bit of clarity:

"This woman did not purposely set out to hurt me".

"We broke up because she is not stable coming off a 5 year stint"

"I want her to get better"

Lets face it...we all are on here because we love someone. So instead of wallowing in our misery, how about we show that person just how much we love them by truly seeking to understand them and the motives that led them to leave us?

For some reason, looking for answers for her instead of looking for reasons for me; put me into a frame of mind that could start to move on. This can't be the method for everybody but...why not give it a shot?

Getting back to it....I was going through all of this while continuing the somewhat ambigiuos (sp?) NC. She had the usual pretexts for calling: "Just wanted to see how you are doing"...

Now here is where the whole concept of NC had differed for me. After about 6 weeks of this, I could tell that she was very curious as to why I never called and just replied. So I agreed to a meeting. Now at this point is where all the so-called "get your ex back in 5 easy steps" experts tell you to keep things light hearted and go back to what charmed her in the beginning blah blah gimme money... I threw that out. We met at my place. I made dinner, we talked about the things that went on in our lives while we did not see each other. And then...I got right down to it and told her all of the hardships that I faced with her gone and how I felt. I was not blubbering and sobbing into a tablecloth...just straight, calm and mature talking. She, in turn, revealed her thoughts on her side. We both agreed on a lot of points and so on. What we found out, most importantly, is that we both had miguided thoughts on what each other was thinking.

It was just this conversational event alone that provided closure to both of us. And by closure I also mean closer. We came to understand each other that little bit more and that was a good thing.

As it stood, I did that lopsided NC thing for weeks...so it was now not hard to have her in my life again but on a slow and casual rise. At any point in time she could find some other guy and be gone again. But the differnence was that I could find a girl and do the same. It not a test, its not a game, its an understanding that if we actually start to work on an emotional bond greater than that of the past, we will fall together on our own

To prove it...I can say that we became very close and with so much more meaning than before. We now have that unspoken committment to each other because we let it happen naturally and slowly with much communication from both sides.

The point is this:

Yes NC helps. But what helps more is that break you get when you go NC. Its just that I don't think that it should be stubbornly permanent (apart from those vindictive, vicious cases). If the ex calls to meet after a reasonable amount of time...go...do it. Get your closure to the past and perhaps a view into the future.

Once you both see where each other was coming from, you can proceed onto better things. And if you still feel you cannot be together....I think that you will walk away sad again; but also feeling a lot different and more coherent. Because you now have the answers for all the demons in your mind.

 

Im sorry if this is a rambling post. And I also want to make clear that this is my own opinion and would welcome healthy debate. The other thing is for all you dumpees out there: if you found this site, like I did, then you looked at all the scams (like I did) promising to have your girl/guy back in days...garbage I say. Start to spend your time (when you are ready) looking to understand. The conclusions that you reach can truly surprise you.

 

Great site, great people, please keep it up!